18 {{ upvoteCount | shortNum }}
18 {{ upvoteCount | shortNum }}

[Critique Request] - Would appreciate your input regarding my sales page

by fulfilledlife
15 replies
Hi Copywriters,

I would appreciate if anyone could critique, opinions and input my sales page.
Depression Breakthrough-2 - Fulfilled Life

Please rip it a new hole

Few things from myself:
1.People with depression often try to hold on their little comfort they have and have a problem taking first step, so I have included step by step what happening when they contact me.
2. Price thing. Often they a very low on money since with depression some can barely work.

One final thing.

The current page I use right now pulls 11% conversion, the page is bad and I think the new one is better, but somehow it still does the job.
Depression Relief Breakthrough Coaching - Fulfilled Life (no need to review this one, it's just an example)

Thank you for your time and effort in advance.
#critique #input #page #request #sales
  • Profile picture of the author elmo033057
    For starters : If you can dedicate 1 hour over next 12 weeks, than you have all you need to turn your depression into distant memory

    Should be: If you can dedicate 1 hour over next 12 weeks, then you have all you need to turn your depression into distant memory.

    This page is loaded with grammatical errors. Is English your first or second language? If English is your second language, you are doing well, but you need mastery of the language before you tackle a complex writing task like advertising copy.

    You may want to consider hiring someone to write for you.

    I hope this helps, my friend.

    God Bless!

    Elmo
    Signature
    Mark "Elmo" Ellis
    "When It Comes To High Response Copy - I've Got Your Back!"
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9298328].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author fulfilledlife
      elmo033057,

      Thank for the input.

      Yes English is my second language, I do plan to take the text to fiverr afterwards to make it grammar proof.
      Signature

      Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value - Albert Einstein

      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9298353].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
    Originally Posted by fulfilledlife View Post

    The current page I use right now pulls 11% conversion, the page is bad and I think the new one is better, but somehow it still does the job.
    Sure it does.

    That poorly written page converts at 11%.

    ...and my dog has superhuman mind control powers too.

    Your first page is "better," but still awkward, boring and full of grammatical errors.

    There's no hook, no unique positioning and the whole page comes off as impersonal.

    I suggest reading some pages in this niche that REALLY ARE converting well and learning from them.
    Signature
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9298999].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author fulfilledlife
      Originally Posted by sethczerepak View Post

      Sure it does.

      That poorly written page converts at 11%.

      ...and my dog has superhuman mind control powers too.
      Must be an amazing dog. Is it for sale?

      You're right, I just had to come to public forum and lie to bunch of anonymous people whom I likely will never meet in real life.

      On a serious note.

      I don't know why it converts like that. Maybe because there not many in my field who have any kind of copy for their sales (at least I am yet see any in my area), maybe people whom come from my paid traffic already know they have big hole in their life and aware that they need to do something about it and I do not need to do much convincing.



      Your first page is "better," but still awkward, boring and full of grammatical errors.

      There's no hook, no unique positioning and the whole page comes off as impersonal.

      I suggest reading some pages in this niche that REALLY ARE converting well and learning from them.
      For the grammar I will take it to the fiverr as I mentioned before.

      I was worried about it being impersonal. Somebody also pointed to me yesterday that first paragraph is all about me and comes off as bragging.

      Thanks for your input I appreciate it.

      P.S: I wish I knew of any pages in my niche that I could take as example for my writing, unfortunately I don't know.
      Signature

      Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value - Albert Einstein

      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9299403].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    Questions:

    1. To confirm, you're saying 11% of the people who visit that page give you their information, right?

    2. Of the people who give you their information and you talk with, what percentage convert to a client?

    3. Besides people who are depressed, what else can you tell us about them? What qualities, attributes or characteristics do they have which you've noticed? I'm specifically asking who is your ideal customer you've had the best success with.

    4. Do you really mean to say they just need to spend just one single hour in three months to lift depression or is that an oversight?

    5. Of the people you do talk to, how many are already on medication?

    6. Specifically, how are you getting your traffic? Where are these people coming from?

    - Rick Duris
    Signature
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9299453].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      To add what Rick has asked, have they decided,
      "enough is enough"?

      That's important because you stop talking why they need to change
      and focus on how they can change.

      Best,
      Ewen
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9299688].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author fulfilledlife
        Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

        To add what Rick has asked, have they decided,
        "enough is enough"?

        That's important because you stop talking why they need to change
        and focus on how they can change.

        Best,
        Ewen
        ewenmack,

        Sorry, I do not think I understand the question.
        Signature

        Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value - Albert Einstein

        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9299753].message }}
        • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
          Originally Posted by fulfilledlife View Post

          ewenmack,

          Sorry, I do not think I understand the question.

          They have already decided to change, or do you have to
          persuade them to change their present state?

          Best,
          Ewen
          {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9299802].message }}
          • Profile picture of the author fulfilledlife
            Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

            They have already decided to change, or do you have to
            persuade them to change their present state?

            Best,
            Ewen
            ewenmack,

            I usually don't need to do any convincing, they know they need take care of the issue.

            However, I do need to convince them why me and not somebody else, or why solution I offer will actually work.

            A lot of my clients when they come to me they already tried to find a help. Some spent years with psychologist or psychiatrist and kind of doubt that anything can help them.

            Some already tried NLP and hypnosis, some don't believe that results will stick, some have doubts about hypnosis itself.

            Face to face it is easy to solve, small demonstration in removing something that bothers them in a moment (headache, chronic pain, bad mood or really anything else). Those of course temporary fixes but they show skills and probably the best proof of kind of help I offer.

            But, in copy how to bring it remains still unanswered question for me :/
            Signature

            Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value - Albert Einstein

            {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9300061].message }}
            • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
              Originally Posted by fulfilledlife View Post

              ewenmack,

              I usually don't need to do any convincing, they know they need take care of the issue.

              However, I do need to convince them why me and not somebody else, or why solution I offer will actually work.

              A lot of my clients when they come to me they already tried to find a help. Some spent years with psychologist or psychiatrist and kind of doubt that anything can help them.

              Some already tried NLP and hypnosis, some don't believe that results will stick, some have doubts about hypnosis itself.

              Face to face it is easy to solve, small demonstration in removing something that bothers them in a moment (headache, chronic pain, bad mood or really anything else). Those of course temporary fixes but they show skills and probably the best proof of kind of help I offer.

              But, in copy how to bring it remains still unanswered question for me :/
              Great answer.

              What you may have is not a conversion problem but a
              sequence problem.

              Instead of seeking a big commitment to believe what you say is true,
              give them a little demonstration on how they can solve a pressing problem.

              They must take a action to get that though..

              You create a series of short instructions on how to achieve a desired result
              and at the end of each one you offer the next step to advance their desired outcome.

              You can create a series for every specific problem.

              Now you have a much wider funnel
              of very targeted potential clients.

              Demonstration that you can actually help
              is also going increase their belief in themselves
              they can move forward to a brighter future.

              Much stronger than convincing when they come to realize you are the right choice,
              by themselves. Demonstrations do that.

              Best,
              Ewen
              {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9300085].message }}
              • Profile picture of the author fulfilledlife
                ewenmack,

                An interesting idea, I would look into it.

                Thanks for your time and help.

                Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

                Great answer.

                What you may have is not a conversion problem but a
                sequence problem.

                Instead of seeking a big commitment to believe what you say is true,
                give them a little demonstration on how they can solve a pressing problem.

                They must take a action to get that though..

                You create a series of short instructions on how to achieve a desired result
                and at the end of each one you offer the next step to advance their desired outcome.

                You can create a series for every specific problem.

                Now you have a much wider funnel
                of very targeted potential clients.

                Demonstration that you can actually help
                is also going increase their belief in themselves
                they can move forward to a brighter future.

                Much stronger than convincing when they come to realize you are the right choice,
                by themselves. Demonstrations do that.

                Best,
                Ewen
                Signature

                Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value - Albert Einstein

                {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9302111].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author fulfilledlife
    RickDuris,

    Thanks for taking an interest.

    Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

    Questions:

    1. To confirm, you're saying 11% of the people who visit that page give you their information, right?
    Yes. They send message trough form. Sometimes they call.



    2. Of the people who give you their information and you talk with, what percentage convert to a client?
    If I get them to meet face to face than 9 times out of 10 they become client. However meeting them face to face is a challenge, mostly due the price.

    So about only 40% of them actually become clients.


    3. Besides people who are depressed, what else can you tell us about them? What qualities, attributes or characteristics do they have which you've noticed? I'm specifically asking who is your ideal customer you've had the best success with.
    That's a massive question.

    They feel that their life spirals down, they feel in very dark place, they feel things will never improve and only get worse. They feel that nobody understands them, they feel unloved, they feel unworthy, helpless and they worried about future. They also feel lonely and awkward around people, and are very closed off.

    They all engage in negative self talk and negative self imagery. Over analyze things. They try to hold on a little comfort zone they have and scared to leave it, which unfortunately means sometimes they prefer to stay with pain (because they familiar with it and kind of learned to live with it) rather than leave it and try something else.

    Often depression accommodated by anxiety, insomnia and lack of appetite.

    Majority have issues with work, and problems in relationships (like wife left, kids do not talk, lot's of drama and arguments, etc...).



    4. Do you really mean to say they just need to spend just one single hour in three months to lift depression or is that an oversight?
    I ment one hour each week for the next 12 weeks.


    5. Of the people you do talk to, how many are already on medication?

    - Rick Duris
    Many, some take it some do not, but all of them hate it.

    If person has any prescribed meds, then I do not start working with them until they bring referral from medical professional (like family doctor). Which so far never been an issue
    Signature

    Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value - Albert Einstein

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9299749].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
      Originally Posted by fulfilledlife View Post

      RickDuris,

      If I get them to meet face to face than 9 times out of 10 they become client. However meeting them face to face is a challenge, mostly due the price.

      So about only 40% of them actually become clients.
      So if we do the math, that means for every 100 people that visit the page, roughly 4 of them become clients. Is that correct?

      -----

      Also, where are you getting your traffic from currently?

      -----

      Here would be the initial areas I would like to know more about:

      If I was depressed and I was on medication and I hated it, I'd be searching for a way to get off it. That's one main area of focus. Agitate the fact the meds are turning them into unfeeling, sub-human zombies where they can't feel anything. Not pain... nor pleasure.

      That would suck.

      ----

      Another area of focus is really demonstrating you understand their present state v. their desire state. Like you did above.

      Because people who are depressed often believe no one understands them. If you're to make it evident you do, it would give the reader hope.

      That really didn't come out in the letter.

      ----

      The third area I focus on is as you say getting them to take that first step. I think you might be better served with a different acquisition strategy.,,

      For instance, get as many emails you can and build an ever growing optin list. Then nurture that list via email over time, occasionally encouraging people to contact you if they need help.

      ----

      The other thing I'd do is survey visitors as they exit the page and find out why they didn't give you their information. Make it easy for them. Don't make it hard to tell you why.

      -----

      I'd also opt for a little more professional web design. At least test having a headshot picture for gosh sakes with your name and titles in caption. People want to know who they're dealing with.

      - Rick Duris
      Signature
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9299943].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author fulfilledlife
    RickDuris ,

    Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

    So if we do the math, that means for every 100 people that visit the page, roughly 4 of them become clients. Is that correct?
    That's correct. My current traffic all paid and directed. Currently it is around 150 visitors and it's brings me 6-7 clients a month.


    Also, where are you getting your traffic from currently?
    My current traffic comes solely from adwords, I have plans to include facebook into equazion once the sales page is done.

    I will also invest in SEO at some point, because if I lookup my website on google it's not on page 1 or 2, or even 3.

    Here would be the initial areas I would like to know more about:

    If I was depressed and I was on medication and I hated it, I'd be searching for a way to get off it. That's one main area of focus. Agitate the fact the meds are turning them into unfeeling, sub-human zombies where they can't feel anything. Not pain... nor pleasure.

    That would suck.
    That's a very good point. Not sure how I missed it.

    Many do report that medication kind of slows them down and they sometimes cannot do things they previous could prior to medication.


    Another area of focus is really demonstrating you understand their present state v. their desire state. Like you did above.

    Because people who are depressed often believe no one understands them. If you're to make it evident you do, it would give the reader hope.

    That really didn't come out in the letter.
    Thanks for the advise. That's exactly what I was looking for, some direction and points on how to improve.

    Now I can go back to the copy and make it better.



    The third area I focus on is as you say getting them to take that first step. I think you might be better served with a different acquisition strategy.,,

    For instance, get as many emails you can and build an ever growing optin list. Then nurture that list via email over time, occasionally encouraging people to contact you if they need help.
    I definitely have plans for building list, I also created meetup group and planning doing some 1-2 hours small workshops or lectures regularly. Been as well invited to be speaker in couple other groups.

    It's all in works.

    But for the moment, I would like to concentrate on my copy and improve it as much as I can.



    I'd also opt for a little more professional web design. At least test having a headshot picture for gosh sakes with your name and titles in caption. People want to know who they're dealing with.

    - Rick Duris
    I do have headshot on the website, it on a main page and in about me page. I just don't have it on sales page itself.

    Thanks a lot for the help and advice.
    Signature

    Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value - Albert Einstein

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9302099].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author fulfilledlife
    Thanks to everyone who came here to this thread and tried to help.

    For now, I will go back to drawing board and work on rewriting it.

    Thanks again.
    Signature

    Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value - Albert Einstein

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9302114].message }}

Trending Topics