Critique Request: subheadline

by vaidab
10 replies
I'm preparing the squeeze page of my product and I have some problems choosing a good headline and subheadline.

My course is on video editing in 4 practical projects (person on screen presentation, keynote narration, etc). I want to promote it via a squeeze page to online instructors (basically instructors that use online platforms to target students).

For the headline I was thinking:
  1. Expert Screenflow skills in 29 days guaranteed!
  2. Become a Screenflow expert in 29 days guaranteed!
  3. 3 days to your first video, 29 days to becoming fluent in Screenflow
  4. Practical Screenflow skills through modern learning techniques
  5. days to your first video, 29 days to become a Screenflow expert
  6. days to your first video, 29 days to develop expert Screenflow skills
  7. Record and edit like a pro in 29 days using Screenflow

And for the subheadline:
  1. Experiential learning through 4 insanely practical projects
  2. Real world projects that teach you everything you need to know about Screenflow
  3. Hands-on projects that teach you the top 3 Screenflow skills even experts don't know
  4. Teach on video, present via Keynote and do a Skype interview - like a PRO

Which do you think it would work? (I know I can test them but I don't want 7x4 variants, I'd rather do it with the top 2)
#critique #headline #request #subheadline
  • Profile picture of the author IDoTheLegWork
    As a person actually seeking ScreenFlow training I have
    to say none of your options grabs me.

    This is what you have to beat for me - screenflow-hero — ScreenFlow Hero
    Signature

    ..and you WILL contribute a verse.
    Indifference is the enemy that must be conquered.
    Appeal to the crowd by addressing the person.

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9324364].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Tan Shengg
    None of the headline catch my attention :

    Maybe something like below :

    Discover how I make $XXX with screenflow in just 29 days...
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9353610].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
      Originally Posted by Tan Shengg View Post

      None of the headline catch my attention :

      Maybe something like below :

      Discover how I make with screenflow in just 29 days...
      No. Just... No.
      Signature

      Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9353735].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Benung
      Originally Posted by Tan Shengg View Post

      None of the headline catch my attention :

      Maybe something like below :

      Discover how I make with screenflow in just 29 days...
      This is good but your not teaching here how to make money using Screenflow.
      I could suggest:

      "KILLING 29 DAYS WITH SCREENFLOW"
      Screenflow's secret unveil!

      Just make it short, viral and intriguing in which a person who will see it will hypnotize to opt-in.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9353749].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author JohnRussell
        Originally Posted by Benung View Post

        "KILLING 29 DAYS WITH SCREENFLOW"
        My guess is nobody is trying to kill 29 days. You might kill an hour between appointments. The only way you are killing 29 days is in prison. And they're probably not buying.
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9358037].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Benung
    Originally Posted by vaidab View Post

    I'm preparing the squeeze page of my product and I have some problems choosing a good headline and subheadline.

    My course is on video editing in 4 practical projects (person on screen presentation, keynote narration, etc). I want to promote it via a squeeze page to online instructors (basically instructors that use online platforms to target students).

    For the headline I was thinking:
    1. Expert Screenflow skills in 29 days guaranteed!
    2. Become a Screenflow expert in 29 days guaranteed!
    3. 3 days to your first video, 29 days to becoming fluent in Screenflow
    4. Practical Screenflow skills through modern learning techniques
    5. days to your first video, 29 days to become a Screenflow expert
    6. days to your first video, 29 days to develop expert Screenflow skills
    7. Record and edit like a pro in 29 days using Screenflow

    And for the subheadline:
    1. Experiential learning through 4 insanely practical projects
    2. Real world projects that teach you everything you need to know about Screenflow
    3. Hands-on projects that teach you the top 3 Screenflow skills even experts don't know
    4. Teach on video, present via Keynote and do a Skype interview - like a PRO

    Which do you think it would work? (I know I can test them but I don't want 7x4 variants, I'd rather do it with the top 2)
    This is good, but i think you are not showing here to get a money but teaching how Screenflow works.
    I could suggest...

    "Killing 29 days with Screenflow"
    Screenflow secrets revealed!

    Just make it short, viral and intriguing and you can pull it off. I think you can create much better topic than us because your the owner of this product. I can suggest relax, release negative vibes and think for the perfect headlines for your product.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9353731].message }}
  • step back and ask yourself...

    why are you the guy to teach this screenflow thing?

    what makes you the expert?

    how is what you are offering different?

    then you can craft a headline with some proof/usp elements in it.

    ex

    screenflow wiz kid reveals his secret 29 day forumlae to editing mastery!!
    Signature
    "Peter Brennan is the real deal, In the first 12 hours we did $80k...and over $125k in the first week...if you want to be successful online, outsource your copywriting to Peter"
    Adam Linkenauger

    For 12 ways to sell more stuff to more people today...go to...www.peterbrennan.net
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9358018].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author JohnRussell
    I don't really know your audience but you could try something like:



    Teachers, here's how to amaze your students...

    Make Your Instructional Videos Pop!

    Discover How To Record And Edit Amazing Instructional Videos on Screenflow

    Your First Masterpiece By Monday.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9358069].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author jrigdon73
    I'm a big fan of the soft sell so I would say #7 - "Record and edit like a pro in 29 days using Screenflow." For a subhead, I'd go with "Teach on video, present via Keynote and do a Skype interview" without the second "like a PRO."

    This copy pushes the reader toward seeing themselves successfully doing those activities listed in the subhead.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9359517].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author IDoTheLegWork
    I stumbled across this again in my history and reading through it
    something struck me: you don't need to mention Screenflow in
    the headline at all.

    People don't want to learn Screenflow, they want to create great
    videos that captures and keeps the attention of their viewers. So
    how about this:

    Headline:
    "Creating amazing videos that suck your viewers in and mesmerize
    them 'til the end is easier, and cheaper, than you think"

    Subheadline:
    [product name] will walk you step-by-step through four easy to follow
    real world projects using Screenflow, teaching you how to record and
    edit powerful video that will seize people's attention and hold their
    interest the whole time.

    I would also back of the 29 days some, it's a long time. Maybe say
    29 step-by-step lessons?

    Hope this helps.
    Signature

    ..and you WILL contribute a verse.
    Indifference is the enemy that must be conquered.
    Appeal to the crowd by addressing the person.

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9370160].message }}

Trending Topics