22 {{ upvoteCount | shortNum }}
22 {{ upvoteCount | shortNum }}

Rip This Up!! (or critique it whichever you choose)

by JamesDLayton
17 replies
Hi I am prospecting local cleaning companies for copywriting work, flyers, websites: the works. I have spent an hour putting a letter together that I intend to hand write and send out in batches of 5 per day. Very particular niche. Cleaning companies domestic and commercial. Within a 10 mile radius. A turnover of 100k+, registered as a Ltd so I can address the Director..... ummm directly. I am also trawling Facebook to see how they present themselves on there. This will give me a good idea of how they sell themselves. Then I will write to 5 of them per day. This is the letter. Rip it - James





The cleaning company down the road just put another 10 clients
on their books. You left money-on-the-table this week.
Are you going to do the same next week?


The cleaning industry can be pretty tough at times. High volume and low margin coupled with eye watering staff turnover rates, mean that getting the most out of your marketing is crucial. There are cleaning companies popping up all over town recently (I counted five this week alone within 5 miles of your address). So really is it any wonder you aren't growing as fast as you could be?


Your routine goes a little something like this. You have your flyers printed and delivered, and maybe.... MAYBE you get 2/3 calls per 500 delivered right? Or you cold call and email all day long with similar results. Yes you ARE getting clients... but not enough. Not as many as you deserve.


Social media is fine, cold calling is also pretty effective. But direct marketing through the use of flyers or letters is the proven way to expand your client list rapidly. The problem is that most businesses are doing it wrong.... VERY wrong.


In fact: having amazing sales copy on your marketing material is the difference between mediocre and amazing accounts. Do you want to be mediocre or amazing? Put it this way... that cleaning company down the road: yeah you know, THOSE guys. They're doing it the right way.


Having your flyers or even your letters that you send to businesses: written properly. Is just about the BEST way to make more money right now. Getting a good copywriter will be the best asset you purchase this year (those guys down the road turning over a small fortune are proving that last statement!!)


And right now you're wondering okay, how much does this cost? I mean that's important right? Well think of it this way. What is the cost of your business failing?
Your house? Your car? Your family?


What is the cost of you waking up one day; and seeing that boss down the road climb into a new Mercedes? What is the cost of failure?




The cost of getting your advertising copy written properly will ALWAYS........ let me repeat that ALWAYS be cheaper - - - than the cost of doing nothing.....


Spending a few hundred on your sales copy: to get thousands back, is just as smart is it gets.


You know how I know this? Because I see the companies I DO NOT work with going to the wall. The boss sees a carpet cleaning machine and sees profit. He sees words on paper and sees money down the drain. But that's the thing. Anyone can buy a carpet cleaning machine. Not everyone can sell a carpet cleaning service. That's why ebay is full of second hand carpet cleaning machines. Are the machines broken? Hell no. But the marketing model was!!


The fact is, if you only see an asset as something you can touch and sell on if it doesn't work out. Then you WILL fail. Well executed, customer focused sales letters, websites, flyers: is the ONLY thing between making money. Or selling your assets on ebay in 6 months.


It isn't about how many flyers: how many cold calls or how fast you can get them done. It's about response rates.


500 flyers and 3 new clients VS 500 flyers and 50 new clients
Which sounds better?
Oh and this holds true for website hits as well.


I will be frank: I am not dirt cheap. But you know what? You don't want dirt cheap. You've worked like hell to get to this point. Why ruin it with dirt?
You want dirt cheap? Hire dirt!!


I currently have 2 slots available in my schedule for new clients. I rarely open up my books since I'm busy all year round. But I have kindly offered my services to you and yours: because I really care about you. I want you to grow. I want you to flourish. You want you to flourish? Can you see the pattern here? We're on the same side.




I will be calling over the next few days once you have digested this and really understood how powerful: beautifully written sales copy can be. I know you will listen since you are a businesses owner and a smart cookie.


If you choose to throw this away and bury your head: then that's okay too. To be honest I don't really need the business. I just need to know I'm doing everything I can to help local people like yourself. The fact that you've read this far means one thing.
I am good at what I do.
Now imagine your potential customers reading this far into your marketing..... that's called money in the bank!


I will call you briefly in the week. Just a 5 minute chat.




All The Best
James




P.S -- If you're reading this at your desk or at your laptop take a quick look at your books. How much work do you have coming up? Wouldn't it be great having 9-12 months of solid bookings in your diary? Think about that.


P.P.S -- If you already have that then maybe I'm not what you need.





#choose #critique #rip #whichever
  • Profile picture of the author JamesDLayton
    P { margin-bottom: 0.21cm; } revised



    That cleaning company down the road just put another 10 clients
    on their books. But you left money-on-the-table this week.
    Are you going to do the same next week?


    The cleaning industry can be pretty tough at times. High volume and fairly low margin coupled with eye watering staff turnover rates. Mean that getting the most out of your marketing is crucial. There are cleaning companies popping up all over town recently (I counted five this week alone within 5 miles of your address). So really is it any wonder your marketing efforts aren't hitting the right spot?


    Your routine goes a little something like this. You have your flyers printed and delivered, and maybe.... MAYBE you get 2/3 calls per 500 delivered right? Or you cold call and email all day long with similar results. Yes you ARE getting clients... but not enough. Not as many as you deserve.


    Social media is fine, cold calling is fine. But direct marketing through the use of flyers or letters is the proven way to expand your client list rapidly. The problem is that most businesses are doing it wrong.... VERY wrong.


    In fact: having amazing sales copy on your marketing material is the simple difference between mediocre and amazing accounts. Do you want to be mediocre or amazing? Put it this way... that cleaning company down the road: yeah you know, THOSE guys. They're doing it the right way.


    A good copywriter will be the best asset you purchase this year.
    (those guys down the road turning over a small fortune are proving that last statement!!)


    And right now you're wondering okay, how much does this cost? I mean that's important right? Well think of it this way. What is the cost of your business failing?
    Your house? Your car? Your family?




    What is the cost of you waking up one day; and seeing that boss down the road climb into a new Mercedes? What is the cost of failure?


    The cost of getting your advertising copy written properly will ALWAYS........ let me repeat that ALWAYS be cheaper - - - than the cost of doing nothing.....


    Spending a few hundred on your sales copy: to get thousands back, is just as smart is it gets.


    How do I know this? Because I see the companies that refuse to work with me: going bust! The boss sees a carpet cleaning machine and sees profit. He sees words on paper and sees money down the drain. But that's the thing. Anyone can buy a carpet cleaning machine. But not everyone can sell a carpet cleaning service. That's why ebay is full of second hand carpet cleaning machines. Are the machines broken? Hell no. But the bosses attitude toward marketing was!!
    He was doomed to fail before he cleaned a single house or office.


    Well executed, well written; customer focused sales letters, websites, flyers: is the ONLY thing between making money. Or selling your assets on ebay in 6 months.


    It isn't about how many flyers: how many cold calls or how fast you can get them done. It's about response rates.


    500 flyers and 3 new clients VS 500 flyers and 50 new clients
    Which sounds better?
    Oh and this holds true for website hits as well.


    I will be frank: I am not dirt cheap. But you know what? You don't want dirt cheap. You've worked like hell to get to this point. Why ruin it ?
    You want dirt cheap? Hire dirt!!


    I currently have 2 slots available in my schedule for new clients. I rarely open up my books since I'm busy all year round. But I have kindly offered my services to you and yours: because I really care about you. I want you to grow. I want you to flourish. And YOU want you to flourish too. Can you see the pattern here? We're on the same side.




    I will be calling over the next few days once you have digested this and really understood how powerful: beautifully written sales copy can be. I know you will listen since you are a businesses owner and a smart cookie.


    If you choose to throw this away and bury your head: then that's okay too. To be honest I don't really need the business. I just need to know I'm doing everything I can to help local people like yourself. The fact that you've read this far means one thing.
    I am good at what I do.
    Now imagine your potential customers reading this far into YOUR marketing. And being so happy that finally a company knows what they need. That they just HAVE to call you and use your service.
    Hold that thought.....
    Feels good doesn't it.......?


    You know what feels even better? That new Mercedes....




    I will call you briefly in a couple of days. Just a 5 minute chat.




    All The Best
    James




    P.S -- If you're reading this at your desk or at your laptop take a quick look at your books. How much work do you have coming up? Wouldn't it be great having 9-12 months of solid bookings in your diary? Think about that.


    P.P.S -- If you already have that then maybe I'm not what you need.
    Signature
    "We are what we think about
    all day long." - Earl Nightingale
    One of the easiest transformations I ever undertook as a copywriter was reading that quote every day.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9342732].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    James, dead duck. ALL of it. It will go straight in the bin. You'd be better off doing a direct-mail piece. Like a plastic spray bottle with a bogus label and a note attached saying "This magic ingredient will add £100,000 to your bottom line this year". Then on the label you explain that you can do a similar campaign for them. Or something like that. But a letter like this addressed to the Director? Won't get past the gatekeeper... and even if it did, it won't work. For starters I find the headline rather insulting.

    Do I know what I'm talking about? Yes indeedy. I owned and ran a cleaning company years ago. We did domestic and commercial cleaning. We ran leaflet drops in mailboxes (a numbers game), classifieds ads and signage. But our best response came from word of mouth.

    And this, chap, is risible -
    To be honest I don't really need the business. I just need to know I'm doing everything I can to help local people like yourself.
    What did Halbert say?
    Remember how I am incessantly preaching the people of America sort through their mail while standing over a wastebasket?
    I do that 6 days a week. Except I do it over the rubbish bin outside next to the mailbox. Most of the advertising goes straight in the rubbish bin - doesn't even make it inside. I bet you do the same. Unless, of course, it looks interesting - like a lumpy mailer.

    For most people getting a surprise in the mail is a welcome diversion from an average stressful work day. A bulky envelope with a handwritten address is far more likely to get a person’s attention than a corporate looking printed envelope.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9342774].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author JamesDLayton
      None of that really helps me. And I think you missed the part where I DID actually state these will be HAND WRITTEN. So the idea that I am sending mass junk that will get bin fed is pointless. Hand written letter, hand written envelope. I also currently run a cleaning company. And almost all of the competition are doing what WE did wrong off the bat. Telling people what we did. Everyone KNOWS what a cleaning company does!! They clean.

      As soon as we directed our efforts toward the benefits and giving people more time (time was a key selling point) we saw a better response. If you have any useful guidance I'd love to hear it. But I'm afraid I've been around the block a few times and I don't get pushed off the track that quickly "chap"

      J
      Signature
      "We are what we think about
      all day long." - Earl Nightingale
      One of the easiest transformations I ever undertook as a copywriter was reading that quote every day.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9342831].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author JamesDLayton
      I've also heard off solid sources that lumpy mail is becoming old hat. In fact I threw away a perfectly good ballpoint from Aviva Insurance this morning because I couldn't be bothered to open what I KNEW was a ballpoint pen inside. And what felt like a cuddly toy?? Threw it. Besides I have enough pens being an author.


      J
      Signature
      "We are what we think about
      all day long." - Earl Nightingale
      One of the easiest transformations I ever undertook as a copywriter was reading that quote every day.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9342859].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author splitTest
      Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

      Like a plastic spray bottle with a bogus label and a note attached saying "This magic ingredient will add £100,000 to your bottom line this year".
      I think this is a great idea. I would send the message rolled up right in the (clear) spray bottle, with TCN's "magic ingredient" line on the bottle label.

      You can get little spray bottles for less than a buck (or a pound). The cleaning service will probably appreciate the bottle and definitely open it to get to your letter.

      You'd have to splurge on a box to send the bottle in, but the box would definitely get opened too. Five a week wouldn't be too expensive, and I'd imagine the calls you get from such a cute campaign would definitely make it worth it.

      The only problem I foresee is that the cleaning services might want you to use the same tactic in your campaign to get them customers ... which would probably be much less cost-effective for them, targeting a large list and all.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9343462].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author BudaBrit
    You should probably listen to Mal, though. He knows what he's talking about. I may not be the most experienced or best in the world, but shall we take a look at your first paragraph alone?

    The cleaning industry can be pretty tough at times. High volume and fairly low margin coupled with eye watering staff turnover rates. Mean that getting the most out of your marketing is crucial. There are cleaning companies popping up all over town recently (I counted five this week alone within 5 miles of your address). So really is it any wonder your marketing efforts aren't hitting the right spot?
    Where's the hook? Who would read past that when you're only telling them things they already know?

    If you're an author, you know the first rule - Show Don't Tell - well, it applies here, too.

    I'd suggest reading the stickies as a first port of call. They give advise I can only dream of giving and it'll provide relevance.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9342878].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author JamesDLayton
    I was listening. I simply stated that my efforts were hand written and he started speaking about corporate written envelopes. I agree about the hook.

    J
    Signature
    "We are what we think about
    all day long." - Earl Nightingale
    One of the easiest transformations I ever undertook as a copywriter was reading that quote every day.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9342900].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
      Banned
      Originally Posted by JamesDLayton View Post

      I was listening. I simply stated that my efforts were hand written and he started speaking about corporate written envelopes. I agree about the hook.

      J
      Oh yeah? WHERE do I talk about "corporate written envelopes"? Who cares if it's hand written. It won't work. It will still go in the bin where it belongs. It's rubbish. Amateurish badly-written rubbish.

      Lumpy mail "is becoming old hat". LOL. You heard it "off solid sources". Where was that? Down the pub?

      Why even come here and ask for help when you have this attitude guy?

      Talk about precious.

      And FYI I used "chap" to be friendly. Apparently you don't find it thus. Strange. I have lots of English friends and they use "chap" exactly like that - old chap.

      And this is straight out of the Mark Andrews School of Copywriting - http://www.longhandmarketing.com/

      I'm not going to waste any more time with you but this might help others writing direct mail pieces for cleaning companies. You say -
      And almost all of the competition are doing what WE did wrong off the bat. Telling people what we did. Everyone KNOWS what a cleaning company does!! They clean.
      That's a funny thing... everyone DOESN'T KNOW what a cleaning company does. All the little tricks and shortcuts that bad cleaners get up to. Like not moving furniture when vacuuming. Not getting right under the beds. Putting way too much sealer on kitchen floors so they can charge extra to strip it off in the future. Helping themselves to the food in your fridge. Going through your underwear drawers. And worse.

      We had a BIG response when we ran a campaign for domestic cleaning with the headline "What's your cleaner really up to?" Yeah - the old hit the pain points and then supply the remedy. We told them we were obsessive about cleaning. We loved what we were doing. We would never dream of sniffing their underwear or drinking from their orange juice bottles or hiding dirt under the carpets. And to back it up we supplied 6 solid references they could call. We kept the referees sweet with chocolates and flowers. But the funny thing is... hardly anybody bothered to check those references.

      Anyway...
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9342977].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author JamesDLayton
    Sorry if my response was harsh, "chap" is one of those words that makes my teeth itch.
    Signature
    "We are what we think about
    all day long." - Earl Nightingale
    One of the easiest transformations I ever undertook as a copywriter was reading that quote every day.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9342907].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author JamesDLayton
    Actually scratch it. I am starting again. I've seen more holes in this letter than a thai hookers leggings at a sandpaper manufacturers convention. I got to the best seller list on Amazon using talent. But I tried to apply sense to this complete pile of dog shit. Starting again. But thanks for your help guys. J
    Signature
    "We are what we think about
    all day long." - Earl Nightingale
    One of the easiest transformations I ever undertook as a copywriter was reading that quote every day.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9342923].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author JamesDLayton
    By attitude I assume you mean personality? I don't drink never have. I actually heard Dane Maxwell talking about lumpy mail. I did say above that it was dog shit and I am starting over. I said sorry and thankyou. What's wrong admitting I was wrong?
    Signature
    "We are what we think about
    all day long." - Earl Nightingale
    One of the easiest transformations I ever undertook as a copywriter was reading that quote every day.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9343041].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    Mal's advice is pretty dead on. If you don't at least test it, you'll be giving yourself carpal tunnel for nothing.

    P.S. When people say something isn't working anymore, beware possible ulterior motives. Classic tactics are classic for a reason. They work.
    Signature

    Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9343130].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author CPH007
    I know you have decided to start again but here are a few of my comments that may help with the next letter.

    1) Too much assumption throughout the letter. Lots of assumption about what they do and how they do it leading to assuming the results they get. If your wrong you have lost a reader.

    2) Far to confrontational. By this I mean statements like "You don't wan't cheap" Telling somebody what they want or what they must do will almost always wind somebody up or cause a rebellious reaction.

    3) Too much attitude in the Copy. This is where Mal picked up the attitude in the first place. Maybe you are trying to overcome a tendency to be too gentle when selling like most of us Brits. I know I have to write with insane hype then dial it all back to overcome my "stiff ass Brit" approach. I think you have cleared your throat as John Carlton would say but now need to get the real stuff down which it seems your doing
    Signature

    Double Or Even Triple Your Sales With Powerful Copy Writing …

    …PM For Details

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9343133].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author JamesDLayton
    I've messaged CopyNazi to ask if I can Skype him. To say sorry and apologise. I've been an ass. Sorry guys normal service will resume. Must be a bad hair day :/
    Signature
    "We are what we think about
    all day long." - Earl Nightingale
    One of the easiest transformations I ever undertook as a copywriter was reading that quote every day.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9343798].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author JamesDLayton
    Something I would like to ask though. The letter would get intercepted by the gatekeeper? Why would the parcel not get intercepted? Surely once the message itself is found inside the owner would be just as annoyed if not more so? Confused.

    J
    Signature
    "We are what we think about
    all day long." - Earl Nightingale
    One of the easiest transformations I ever undertook as a copywriter was reading that quote every day.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9343828].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author TracyBelshee
      Originally Posted by JamesDLayton View Post

      Something I would like to ask though. The letter would get intercepted by the gatekeeper? Why would the parcel not get intercepted? Surely once the message itself is found inside the owner would be just as annoyed if not more so? Confused.

      J
      Speaking as an average Joe working for a place that practically nothing gets past the gatekeeper, I think something like this could work.

      To get past the gatekeeper, you have to come across as not every day ordinary. This definitely is not every day ordinary.

      The gatekeeper is not the owner/manager and impressing them as interesting with your approach is the first step.

      Better then the letter on its own and possibly passed on as an interesting change in an otherwise ordinary day.

      But again, this is not my field, just an average Joe's (possible gatekeeper) opinion.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9344717].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author JamesDLayton
    Also since my "practical" hard sell attitude crap has fallen flat. Should I go with a more fiction based approach? Like the classic Two Young Men letter? Thinking along the lines of "message in a bottle"..... ummmm desert island......maybe something to do with copywriting being an oasis in the desert of marketing. I don't know. Just throwing ideas. James
    Signature
    "We are what we think about
    all day long." - Earl Nightingale
    One of the easiest transformations I ever undertook as a copywriter was reading that quote every day.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9343838].message }}

Trending Topics