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Ok, I need some Serious Help

by zendolphin
5 replies
I am a new copywriter, or would like to think of myself as one, but I know I'm more of the ostrich trying to fly rather than the eagle I would like to become one day.

I have 3 pages, optin page, Sales page, and the blog page. I would like review on. I promise I'm not hitting you over the head with super bad copy, but would like some pointers. I'm reading allot of copy, and I'm actually dedicated myself to becoming a great copy writer within a reasonable time. (should be less than 100 years at this point)

I am a very good sales person, IN PERSON, but I'm trying to translate that into copy. holy cow it that a different monster.

I have thick skin, please be direct, open, and helpful in your comments. I'm sure people laugh at the "your copy sucks" posts, but I would prefer better responses at this point.

Thank you

The Optin Page raisingcapitalsecrets.com/Landing
the sale page raisingcapitalsecrets.com/sales
the blog front raisingcapitalsecrets.com
#copy review #serious
  • Profile picture of the author Treborrevo
    Right off the bat - on you landing page - there is a big error.

    Reading the headline, one thinks they are going to get a pitch on buying a DVD - But you are offering it free. Further, it's not a wimpy DVD - you've got 45 minutes of content.

    We need to get those tid-bits into your headline right off the bat - before they assume they need to buy.

    Try something like...

    FREE 45 minute DVD reveals how are just months away from raising all the money you want to start or grow your business...

    Okay, I'll let my fellow warriors work for the harder corrections

    Oh, on Firefox for Mac, your html is all jumbled the last 1/3 of the page. the text is over-lapping your testimonial and call out boxes.
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    • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
      You sell too hard right out of the gate, like a carnival
      barker.

      It may be a tonal issue that makes your aggressive selling
      sounds awkward to me - because tone is the big issue here
      - and credibility - because if you really are such a big shot
      at making money you would have highly polished copy,
      wouldn't you? You'd just bring in the talent to turn your
      salesmanship into writing.

      A lot of the sentences in your letter have construction
      (grammar, verbs, predicates and things like that) that
      feels... sort of upside-down - like the concept you end
      the sentence with should be the thing you start it with.
      This is hard to pin-down. It's like a bassist turning the
      beat around and not realizing he's out of synch with the
      drummer. English teachers can diagram it out and tell
      you what parts of speech should go where and why -
      and I'm not arguing for being formal or stuffy or "correct"
      - I'm arguing for language that communicates clearly.

      It's not so easy to do if you don't write a lot. The solution
      is to read a lot more, and write lots more - and read
      fiction sometimes too, because good fiction writers are
      skilled at engaging readers with clear, visceral writing.

      If you haven't read Stephen King's book "On Writing"
      lately you should go back and read it again.
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  • Profile picture of the author Bill Jeffels
    Originally Posted by zendolphin View Post

    I am a new copywriter, or would like to think of myself as one, but I know I'm more of the ostrich trying to fly rather than the eagle I would like to become one day.

    I have 3 pages, optin page, Sales page, and the blog page. I would like review on. I promise I'm not hitting you over the head with super bad copy, but would like some pointers. I'm reading allot of copy, and I'm actually dedicated myself to becoming a great copy writer within a reasonable time. (should be less than 100 years at this point)

    I am a very good sales person, IN PERSON, but I'm trying to translate that into copy. holy cow it that a different monster.

    I have thick skin, please be direct, open, and helpful in your comments. I'm sure people laugh at the "your copy sucks" posts, but I would prefer better responses at this point.

    Thank you

    The Optin Page raisingcapitalsecrets.com/Landing
    the sale page raisingcapitalsecrets.com/sales
    the blog front raisingcapitalsecrets.com
    Hi Zendolphin

    You say that you are a very good sales person, in person. The next time you are doing your sales presentation in front of your customer. Have a recorder. Let it record your whole sales pitch all the benefits call to action, the whole deal.

    That recording is your sales letter. Have a service convert your recording to words. Write your sales letter from that. This idea has worked many times before.

    Hope that helps you out.

    Bill Jeffels
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  • Profile picture of the author David Raybould
    Zendolphin-

    First up, I think the video at the start
    of your sales page is too long. I didn't
    watch it, so I can't comment on the
    content, but anything over about 45
    seconds to a minute is too long this
    high up in the page.

    The above the fold portion of the page
    is the most valuable real estate in the
    whole thing. You want to engage the
    reader, call out to your ideal prospect,
    and give them a reason to read further
    into the letter.

    The video is too long to do that.

    For the body copy, I'd second Loren's
    suggestion - write more, and read more.

    You may be the greatest in-person seller
    in the world, but right now the written
    skill doesn't match up to that. It will in
    time, but it takes practice buddy.

    To give some specifics, a lot of your
    sentences are very long... way too long
    for a reader to read without stumbling
    or losing interest. Also, as Loren said
    again, they seem kind of jumbled, a
    little confusing.

    A good tip here is going to be reading
    the letter aloud. If you read out loud
    you can get an idea of the rhythms
    and pacing. You want the letter to
    read like speech, which it currently
    doesn't.

    Even better, get someone else to
    read it aloud so you can make notes.

    Good luck with it.

    -David Raybould
    Signature
    Killer Emails. Cash-spewing VSLs. Turbocharged Landing Pages.

    Whatever you need, my high converting copy puts more money in your pocket. PM for details. 10 years experience and 9 figure revenues.
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  • Profile picture of the author snowtigress
    On the sales page, you pushed the free DVD immediately. That should be way down on the bottom as a "bonus" enticer. The video should be in the middle or bottom of the letter too.

    So what's the product? I'll have to scroll down more to find out...

    Instead of talking about the product -- NOW you're talking about what someone taught YOU about raising money. The client doesn't care about you. Write to them and what this product can do for them. What is it, how will it change their life, is it easy to learn?, etc. The YOU, YOU, and NOT, NOT outline bores me.

    AND you didn't tell me what the product was until the very bottom. Also, too many exclamation points. Don't yell at your customers!

    You also need more emotional triggers in the middle of your letter. Think of how you would convince your best friend to do something you want. How would you encourage, needle, convince, or entice them to do it? Now write exactly the way you would talk to your best friend into buying your product.

    Keep practicing. I'm sure you'll get it right in, ohh... 50 years, not 100, like you said
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