THANKS. Thread is now closed. Very long letter, would like some feedback please.

by gjabiz
10 replies
Tis is a long letter, it is going to take you some time. To thank you for taking that time I'll send you the Cliff Notes report, OK?

The Cliff Notes will be used to qualify and offer additional "tracks" on the subject. The final version, along with a couple of shorter ones to be tested, will be released around Thanksgiving.

My questions are: Where did you lose interest? Was the deck copy at all interesting? Where do you see places where it needs editing, OR

Should I scrap it and start over? The additional products are in development and everyone has a Nov. 1 deadline for their parts.

Thanks again, for your time and attention. The Cliff Notes version should be ready by Sept. 1, it is too long and detailed at this point, I just want to whet their appetites for more...and more. Probably be a 10 buck product (Cliff Notes Report) as a lead generator.

Your feedback, positive or negative is appreciated.


PS. Thanks to everyone, some very valuable feedback. The promotion is being revised.
#feedback #letter #long
  • Profile picture of the author perryny
    Hi Gordon,

    I'll leave the constructive criticisms to the more experienced copywriters here.

    But what I can tell you from my perspective... I have never seen a request for a critique of a 15 page letter that has held my interest all the way through... AND made me want to buy. Until now.

    Great stuff.


    PS. A couple typos I noticed on p. 15:
    • One Gary Halbert newsletter changed the way Virgie conducts busines
    • How she applies Cialdini's Law of Reciprocity to increase her income without increasing her work loads
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    Gordon, who do you think your market is? Be specific.

    PS: I'll critique the piece within the next two weeks for you in depth. I'm really busy this week. Maybe we'll get on skype and do it.
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    • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
      Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

      Gordon, who do you think your market is? Be specific.

      PS: I'll critique the piece within the next two weeks for you in depth. I'm really busy this week. Maybe we'll get on skype and do it.
      Very good.

      First off, Virgie is just ONE of the Masters, we draw from many fields and disciplines so her story and methods will be folded into and tweaked for the following segments.

      New Copywriters, along with other "masters of Persuasion", this market will be offered a low cost product then some back-end tracks, customized for them.

      New Salesman, who want to be UP to DATE with the latest selling, persuasion and influence techniques, have several in the Auto industry, some in services and others in Entertianment, Her story may be a lead story to the strongest Male Alpha group we can find.

      New Internet Marketers, who may or may not be interested in Copywriting but want to know about the foundations of Remote Influence.

      New Seduction Technique seekers, this is an evergreen market, and Virgie's story will be presented in a variety of ways to them. Mostly, from a you don't have to spend 12 grand to take me to is what you really have to do

      Now, there is different copy being written for each segment, but the first target may be New Warriors who want to know about the hidden tricks we use to get new customers and keep them for a long time, and will use Virgie's Story as ONE of the ways to use your understanding of what motivates and what makes people BUY and keep buying.

      So, from your critique standpoint, probably the last one and since you can't get to it, I'll send you additional information and some additional copy as it relates to the herd of new Warriors coming our way, OK?

      Thanks in advance for taking the time to read it, you are APPRECIATED!


      PS Nutshell answer: New Warriors seeking Copywriting/Sales Info but don't want to take a course.
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  • Profile picture of the author Taniwha
    The first 4 pages sound like a pimp trying to hire new "staff". A slight teaser at the start targeting each market may be useful to make sure they know it's relevant to them.

    I liked the Tim Ferriss part, too! haha
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  • Profile picture of the author Scott McKinstry
    First thoughts on the opening: I need a little more WIIFM in the deck and maybe the lead -- although it's a captivating story, it mostly reads like an expose on the success of escorts, with one in particular. I got the strange sense that I was gonna read about how to become a higher paid prostitute.

    If there was a little more drawing a parallel to benefits in selling etc., I would want to read more.

    Best part in opening: "but her million-dollar-a-year income is the result of the “magic words” she whispers in her clients' ears"

    I'd tease this more in the opening.
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    • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
      The copy doesn't make a good enough case explaining why the persuasion techniques Virgie uses during sex will work for others in everyday sales situations. That case has to be made strongly and clearly.

      Also, the copy doesn't explain why Virgie decided to reveal her secrets. That has a negative effect on believability.

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      • Profile picture of the author marciayudkin
        The copy doesn't make a strong enough case explaining why the persuasion techniques Virgie uses during sex will work for others in everyday sales situations. That case has to be made strongly and clearly
        I strongly agree with Alex on this.

        Also, I had a very difficult time believing the story. It's well told, but I don't think it is true. This is unlike the case of Dan Kennedy talking about Sydney Biddle Barrows, because I have every reason to be that she is real and spilling the beans on her former profession. I couldn't help wondering if you were copying the Kennedy/Barrows collaboration.

        Most of your audience won't know about Kennedy and Barrows, however.

        Marcia Yudkin
        Check out Marcia Yudkin's No-Hype Marketing Academy for courses on copywriting, publicity, infomarketing, marketing plans, naming, and branding - not to mention the popular "Marketing for Introverts" course.
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        • Profile picture of the author Alexa Smith

          It's certainly interesting and enjoyable.

          I was also wondering about exactly who the target customer is.

          The price was a big surprise to me. I was expecting at least twice as much (and instinctively wondered if that would be a better price-point).

          There were a couple of credibility-stretching points, I think. I thought the part about her not being willing to be with a guy who doesn't give at least a $10,000 tip was overdone and not-too-plausible.

          And I think very few redheads wear green shoes. Dark blue's far more likely.

          Overall, I think it's really very good. It will hold people's interest all the way through, I think, in spite of the length. But $15??? (Please tell me you're at least going to split-test prices?).

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  • Profile picture of the author Johnny12345

    Here's my take...

    Overall, the letter seems like a very good ROUGH DRAFT. However, it rambles on endlessly. By page 8, I just wanted the letter to GET TO THE POINT.

    Of course, that's not all bad. For a draft, it's far better to have too much copy to work with than not enough.

    If you cut out some of the "fat" -- and show how the story being told holds a big benefit for the reader -- it could be an exceedingly fine letter. (Through most of the letter, that benefit seems rather vague.)

    As you know, each sentence in your letter either helps the sale... or hurts it. There were times when I the two words every copywriter dreads most crossed my mind. (The two words? "So What.")

    So you'll need to go through this letter MANY more times to hammer it into shape.

    There are also many smaller issues. For example:

    * The headline and subhead are underwhelming.

    * The typography is rather poor (the font and size change in places that seem inappropriate).

    * There are tons of punctuation issues (which, for a rough draft, is to be expected).

    * A slightly narrower column width (and the use of Times New Roman instead of Courier) would probably make it easier to read.

    * You also need distinct subheads throughout the letter. They'll help break it up and make the long blocks of text seem less imposing. They'll also provide multiple "entry points" into the (very long) letter.

    Anyway, I could go on, but you get the idea.

    In a nutshell, all the "raw materials" you need seem to be there. You just need to repeatedly polish it to achieve a fine luster.

    I hope that helps.

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  • Profile picture of the author Cam Connor
    Your headline is certainly attention-grabbing & unique, but like what others have been saying, I think there's an opportunity to make it clearer who your target market is, and I'd suggest finding a way to do that in the headline. Perhaps a longer headline would be better here.
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