Satirical sales letter critique please

5 replies
Hey everyone, I am new here but want to get into copy writing. I have read a little about copy writing but need to learn more. I decided to write a sales letter for a pen just as practice. Please if you have time let me know what you think, I know its probably not very good but I need to start somewhere! Also the letter is a joke but I did put effort into it, it took about 30min to write.

My own areas of weakness that I think I have are, the letter could flow better, and my use of words could be better. Thank you for taking your time to read this

Dear fellow businessman,

Are you sick and tired of your pen running out of ink and not gliding across the page like it was made to?

You buy those large bags of generic pens that hardly work and have to be thrown out of a few weeks of satisfactory ink to paper. Or you are spending hundreds of dollars on a pen that meets your expectations only to have that heart-wrenching feeling when you lose it a month later. That moment when you have notes to write for an important project only to realize you can not find your trustworthy pen. And that is before you even begin thinking about the financial blow to the stomach you feel after you remember what you paid for that bad boy!

Well.. what if I was to tell you that you wouldn’t have to go through that emotional turmoil ever again. No more withdrawal symptoms and never feel let down. You would not have to even lay eyes on one of those poorly designed dollar pens that gets you no where. What if I told you, you could own the best pen in the world right now for a shockingly low price?

I know you are thinking, (Don’t lead me on like that unless you really mean it!). Well I do mean it. You might be the guy that wants to own the best for the simple sake of having the best. Or you truly have been on that lifelong journey of finding that beautifully engineered tool that perfectly becomes an extension of your hand.

OK STOP MESSING AROUND AND GIVE ME THIS PEN

Alright alright, I am reluctantly sharing the greatest kept secret to the world now. You can buy the pen from the website “ “, and if you use the coupon code NUTJOB, you will get 20% off your first order.


#critique #letter #sales #satirical
  • Profile picture of the author lhrowley
    I realize this is tongue-in cheek, but I see where you're going with this. I won't turn this post into a complete sales copywriting course, but here are a few things off the top of my head.

    Kudos on starting out with the pain points (as farcical as they may be). If you were writing about a real product, you'd do well to carry over that practice (and expand on it - the more realistic the pain points, the better).

    What your letter doesn't do is tie the benefits of your product to those pain points.

    How exactly is your pen better than those "generic pens?" How does your pen solve the problem of losing an expensive pen? And what does your product do to solve the problem of finding out you've misplaced your pen at a critical moment?

    It's not enough to raise pain points and then simply say that your pen is "the best." You need to specifically state how buying your product will eliminate those pain points so that the reader will never have to experience them again.

    You could state that your pen:
    • delivers a smooth, consistent flow of ink that makes your writing appear elegant and stylish
    • eliminates skips and blots with its never-fail "sure flow" tip
    • stays firmly in your briefcase/pocket/whatever thanks to its unbreakable "tight-lock" clip
    • comes with a free downloadable iPhone locator app that lets you immediately locate your pen anywhere within a 1-mile radius
    You can drive home those benefits even harder by comparing how great life will be with the pen to how much it sucks without it:


    • You'll feel confident walking into a meeting, knowing that your pen's elegant teak barrel gives the impression of sophistication and luxury.
    • You'll feel relieved, knowing that you'll never be without your pen when you need to take board meeting notes or jot down a girl's phone number.
    Etc., etc.


    Call to action: You need a direct command. Instead of saying, "You can buy at [URL], try something like, "Don't spend another day frustrated by cheap, unreliable pens... or lose yet another expensive one. Click the 'Buy Now' button below and get your hands on Mega Freaking Super Pen today!"

    I recently did a video using a real radio ad script to explain how to use pain points and benefits in your copywriting. Full disclosure: There's an opt-in form to get to it... but I'm releasing a new video every week using a new ad.



    The link is in my signature.
    Signature

    Find out how to double (or triple) your conversions using easy copy tweaks. You'll see real ads transformed so you can see how to start applying these real-world techniques immediately! Ad Destruction

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  • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
    Not bad for 30 minutes. I'd like to see a serious sales letter that you gave 30 days to.

    --- Ross
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    • Profile picture of the author marciayudkin
      Dear fellow businessman,
      I'm not sure why you decided to exclude 50% of the business population right from your very first line.

      Are you selling a pen especially designed for men?

      Marcia Yudkin
      Signature
      Check out Marcia Yudkin's No-Hype Marketing Academy for courses on copywriting, publicity, infomarketing, marketing plans, naming, and branding - not to mention the popular "Marketing for Introverts" course.
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  • It's always good to have a strong headline.

    Maybe…

    "Just As You Were About To Get The Client To Sign That $1,000,000 Contract Your Pen Runs Out Of Ink.

    Shame The Deal Was For "We Guarantee To Make Your Company More Efficient - Or Your Money Back"


    Steve
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