Satirical sales letter critique please

I realize this is tongue-in cheek, but I see where you're going with this. I won't turn this post into a complete sales copywriting course, but here are a few things off the top of my head.

Kudos on starting out with the pain points (as farcical as they may be). If you were writing about a real product, you'd do well to carry over that practice (and expand on it - the more realistic the pain points, the better).

What your letter doesn't do is tie the benefits of your product to those pain points.

How exactly is your pen better than those "generic pens?" How does your pen solve the problem of losing an expensive pen? And what does your product do to solve the problem of finding out you've misplaced your pen at a critical moment?

It's not enough to raise pain points and then simply say that your pen is "the best." You need to specifically state how buying your product will eliminate those pain points so that the reader will never have to experience them again.

You could state that your pen:

• delivers a smooth, consistent flow of ink that makes your writing appear elegant and stylish
• eliminates skips and blots with its never-fail "sure flow" tip
• stays firmly in your briefcase/pocket/whatever thanks to its unbreakable "tight-lock" clip
• comes with a free downloadable iPhone locator app that lets you immediately locate your pen anywhere within a 1-mile radius

You can drive home those benefits even harder by comparing how great life will be with the pen to how much it sucks without it:

• You'll feel confident walking into a meeting, knowing that your pen's elegant teak barrel gives the impression of sophistication and luxury.
• You'll feel relieved, knowing that you'll never be without your pen when you need to take board meeting notes or jot down a girl's phone number.

Etc., etc.


Call to action: You need a direct command. Instead of saying, "You can buy at [URL], try something like, "Don't spend another day frustrated by cheap, unreliable pens... or lose yet another expensive one. Click the 'Buy Now' button below and get your hands on Mega Freaking Super Pen today!"

I recently did a video using a real radio ad script to explain how to use pain points and benefits in your copywriting. Full disclosure: There's an opt-in form to get to it... but I'm releasing a new video every week using a new ad.



The link is in my signature.

Not bad for 30 minutes. I'd like to see a serious sales letter that you gave 30 days to.

--- Ross

It's always good to have a strong headline.

Maybe…



Steve

Real men wear pocket protectors and carry at least 5 BIC pens.