Critique my sales page please.

9 replies
Hey all, First of all this is a sales page for my solo ad business. The goal is to pay for my clicks when i purchase solo ads. a sales page that converts at 30% here on the WF or JVzoo wont convert at ALL with solo traffic, So with that in mind, if you know anything about converting solo ad traffic, would oyu mind looking my page over and giving me some suggestions? Thanks you

Thomas

Money Dream Machine — Epic Cash Machines
#critique #page #sales
  • Profile picture of the author JohnRussell
    I can see that you've included basics like the offer, call to action and guarantee - but it reads choppy and lacks proof accompanying the promise in the headline.

    Your whole 'warning' thing in the eyebrow is an abstraction. It makes no sense and serves no purpose - it doesn't qualify or disqualify anybody.

    You need to use different testimonials after your headline - ones that prove your income claim. The testimonial there now is pretty fluffy. Move the one from 'Richard' up. At least get his last name.

    The headline is choppy. Tighten it up and include a time-based promise as well.

    Most of all...

    The sales page is really full of crap. It's all airy promises and lacks specifics.

    Like the story about spiderman - nobody cares.

    All in all - it's big talk, no whiskey.

    It's unbelievable.

    And so it will flop.

    Presumably you make "More In 3 Months Than A Neurosurgeon Earns In a Year!" so you can afford to hire a copywriter. Which would be a lot faster than learning how to fix this.

    That's a credibility issue, isn't it. You're getting rich (on only '30 minutes a day') but you lack credible testimonials and you - seemingly - can't afford a professional copywriter.

    If you're just doing this for sport and you want to fix it yourself, remember these 2 words...

    Specificity and Proof.

    Both are paramount and both are lacking hugely here.
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    • Profile picture of the author splitTest
      Originally Posted by JohnRussell View Post

      Presumably you make "More In 3 Months Than A Neurosurgeon Earns In a Year!" so you can afford to hire a copywriter. Which would be a lot faster than learning how to fix this.
      I could be wrong, but I bet he's already hired a copywriter and we're looking at his work.

      The copy isn't horrible IMHO, especially for the market he's targeting. The people who will go for that product might be moved by copy like that.

      Question is, will people go for that product? Have you really converted at 30% in the past with that product? Same copy?
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      • Profile picture of the author JohnRussell
        Originally Posted by splitTest View Post

        I could be wrong, but I bet he's already hired a copywriter and we're looking at his work.
        If you're right, he should get his money back.

        All fluff. No proof. The sales page could be about anything - and so it is about nothing.
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        • Profile picture of the author splitTest
          Originally Posted by JohnRussell View Post

          All fluff. No proof. The sales page could be about anything - and so it is about nothing.
          True, but maybe it's more of a problem with the product than the copy. Maybe the writer didn't have a lot to work with. Maybe putting up a page like that is basically the product.

          I like the way he uses psychology and emotion though, and the way he paints pictures.

          Nice terse sentences too.

          I would never want to write for that niche, or to that market, but this impresses me as a pretty good effort.

          Also, I'm sure he intended the testimonials and paypal screenshots to be the proof elements. People use them for a reason, I guess.

          I'm curious -- what other proof elements would you include? I guess that's a little hard to answer without knowing much about the product, but off the top of your head?
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          • Profile picture of the author JohnRussell
            Originally Posted by splitTest View Post

            Maybe the writer didn't have a lot to work with. Maybe putting up a page like that is basically the product.
            There's definitely more to work with here - but it comes hard-won - from research.

            I like the way he uses psychology and emotion though, and the way he paints pictures.

            Nice terse sentences too.
            Fair enough - doesn't mean it will sell though.

            Also, I'm sure he intended the testimonials and paypal screenshots to be the proof elements. People use them for a reason, I guess.
            Yes - but they are weak testimonials. Screenshots? Nobody believes them anymore.

            I'm curious -- what other proof elements would you include? I guess that's a little hard to answer without knowing much about the product, but off the top of your head?
            First he has to come up with a Big Idea - there isn't one here. And I certainly can't spew one off the top of my head - it takes real research.

            Then..

            The argument to purchase has to be built up logically.

            If there is enough logic and proof then the promo will stand on its own - no hype necessary. And no fluffy abstractions either.

            ie.
            BIG IDEA

            Build emotional case - you suck, you always fail, I understand, I used to always fail too. But now I can help you - now it will be different.

            Which means...benefit

            Here's proof.

            It also means...benefit

            Here's proof for that.

            etc.

            Buy now.
            The copy just looks like the writer was trying to cross it off a to-do list.

            To find what's unique and important to the customer takes real research that just hasn't been done here.

            It also takes time. Time that he either hasn't put in or perhaps he hired a cheap copywriter who can't afford the time needed.
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  • Profile picture of the author thomas1984
    Split test, You are correct, this is the work of a copy writer. The product (under a different name) was recently a JVZOO launch and sold about 3,000 copies.. The sales page converted at 20-30 % depending on the affiliates that day. That same sales page would not conver AT ALL with solo ad traffic and I was advised by some big players in the solo ad market to have my page rewritten in this style, They say is simply out performs your normal sales page. And I agree because at least now its bringing sales, Just not near as many as i need it to to break even when i buy..
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    • Profile picture of the author JohnRussell
      Originally Posted by thomas1984 View Post

      and I was advised by some big players in the solo ad market to have my page rewritten in this style, They say is simply out performs your normal sales page. And I agree because at least now its bringing sales, Just not near as many as i need it to to break even when i buy..
      What do you mean by 'this style'?

      Long form? The image behind the page?
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  • Profile picture of the author JohnRussell
    Here's some examples from the copy:

    "You’re just minutes away from earning a full-time income, starting TODAY."

    What's full-time? For some people it's $2,000 a month, for some it's $20,000. Is that really going to happen minutes from now - starting today?

    Where's the proof? Or at least credibility.

    Then...

    "What you’re about to discover is so easy, a 10 year-old could do it BLINDFOLDED!"

    It's an abstraction. The line means nothing. It's not true first of all but mostly it's just irrelevant.

    Now - if a blindfolded 10 year old actually did it - that'd be something. Kind of like Carlton's one-legged golfer. But since it's a lie, it hurts rather than help.

    "But to CONGRATULATE you for even finding this life-changing opportunity."

    Really? Would anyone believe that line?

    "“YOU Can Earn More In 3 Months Than A Neurosurgeon Earns In a Year!”"

    Proof? Certainly not on those screenshots.

    "Hell, it’s even easier than SENDING an email… But…"

    Come on now...

    “The Easiest System to $100 Per Day Ever!”

    I thought you just said I'd make more than a Neurosurgeon. Which is it?

    It goes on...

    All fluff. No substance. No big idea, so no proof.
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  • Main Headline: Pretty good, I don't have any real criticism of it.

    Income Shots: Good.

    Testimonials. Pretty good but I'd include some video testimonials as well.

    “YOU Can Earn More In 3 Months Than A Neurosurgeon Earns In a Year!”

    Not sure about this... The claim seems a bit too far fetched. I could see even pretty gullible people saying "yeah, right."

    The section that starts with the headline, “You Have an Opportunity to SKIP The ‘Struggle‘ Right Now!“

    This is all really vague, it's not doing anything for you... Copy thrives on specifics.

    The part where you reveal the product.

    This is good... I like the design of the box, it looks very slick and that helps build value.

    The section under the headline “Here is The Strategy YOU Can Use to Earn $1,000 In a Single Weekend… Name Your Price.”

    This is very good, very convincing and lots of specifics. I'd keep this.

    Call to action.

    Pretty good, I like the pricing and everything.

    Overall I'd say this is decent copy. Above average, not amazing. You'll get some sales.
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