Critique please! Be as blunt as you can, desperately want to improve!

Your copy is not bad. Maybe too long winded. I have a suggestion, Eben Pagan has made multiple millions of dollars on this little ebook Double Your Dating
Take a look at what he did...

It falls flat. There's no curiosity, no emotion, no story. It's a rewrite.

Nope. Not gonna work.

Technically speaking, your tenses and punctuation are all over the board. Your layout and font choice make it difficult to skim, making it damn near impossible to read.

There's nothing exciting about the headline or what limited copy I did read.

And I'm your ANTI market.

Get a part-time job as a waiter at a bar where the TOPS club meets.

This advice, is about as good as what you have. I don't see a single sentence that can be salvaged from this train wreck. Start over. Write a headline, let us critique it before you continue. You have to catch the attention of the desperate to meet any port guy...and he's too busy watching porn to read this.

gjabiz

From your sales letter:

Whoop-de-doo. A "very insightful lady." Let me grab my wallet now.

This sentence is an example of one of the majorly wrong things with the copy: It's vague. There are no specifics. There is no proof the product works. Just a bunch of fluff. And a sentence about one "very insightful lady."

Also, where's the hook? What is it about this product that stands out from the millions of other dating-niche guides/systems/reports/whatevers?

As other have said, the whole thing really does need a rewrite. Badly. But find something that makes the product special before you rewrite one word.

-Nick

Believe me, I am not trying to be an asshole or make you cry.

But I do pretty well in this space. And trust me, guys won't remember your piece 30 seconds after they hit the back button.

It's just so like everything else that's out there. You cobbled a bunch of swipes together and it shows.

If you think that's gonna convert, I have news for you.

Again, it needs a rewrite. And this time, put some muscle into it.

- Rick Duris

You need to hit the pain in this market. This sales letter is ok but it does not trigger an emotional response. Really think about what these guys want. What are they desperate to have? Why haven't they gotten it yet.

Start with the pain. Tell them why it is not their fault. Then offer them that "golden answer" to their prayers.

What is your irresistible offer? What makes this product different? Why should they drop everything and go running for their wallet?

One more thing - use a better image. You are promising these guys that they can get multiple women any time that they want. This woman looks bored.

Something like this is better but not perfect: http://assets3.bigthink.com/system/i...jpg?1326913706

Do not use this image. I do not own the copyright. I just did a quick search online for examples.

Well, you have no hook.

And that's pretty much the end of it when you're in this niche.

You're saying nothing new at all in this page. Just sounds like you've read other pages out there and are trying to mimic them. Not good. You have to understand that talking to dudes who have heard it all...at least they think they have.

That's your first problem.

The second problem is bigger though: it sounds like you're making this stuff up.

Do you really know what you're talking about? Because, based on what I'm reading, I have my doubts. The writing does NOT convince me that I'm being talked to by someone who has any game with women. It's clunky, awkward and lacks confidence.

Guys who score big with women don't talk that way. Socially awkward young men who sit behind their computers on Saturday night playing World of Warcraft do.

Too blunt?

Well, you asked for it.

Sounds to me like you're in this for the money and just picked this niche because it's known for being packed with hungry buyers...but hungry doesn't mean dumb. Reader's can spot an impostor from a mile away.

I'd suggest picking a different niche and audience, one you're more familiar with and knowledgeable about.

The initial reaction with the image was good but as I continued reading, it was too long winded and lost interest. Fonts are too big. That wow factor is missing. Using a thesis theme with 3 sliders and proper page layout/ format would liven it up.

Thanks for the inputs guys will try and improve and re-post again or edit the post

Who in the world wants random panties being thrown at them? $100 bills and MAYBE.... but panties?

Jeepers McCreepers

It's all been said in multiple ways but the copy on this is not going to pique anybody's interest. It's very long winded and does nothing to alleviate the pain(s) of dating or rather, not dating as your target market is experiencing.

You need to tap into the reason(s) why these guys aren't dating and you need to tap into that right up front with the headline.

Add some emotion to it. Think about what a guy might be thinking about when he goes out. Ask him a question that he needs to answer right away in the headline. Something like:

"Do you wish you had the confidence to talk to women?"

That taps into a root problem for men without a lot of cruft and filler. These guys don't care about their charm. They care about getting a date.

This also poses the problem that you intend to solve. Either they answer yes and keep reading (they are your customer) or no and leave (they aren't your customer).

Follow that headline with a supporting headline to relate to and engage your reader. Something like this:

"I know how you feel. I was terrible at talking to women...at least until I learned a few tricks."

Now your reader knows that you know how they feel. Now they can give you a little trust. You also left them hanging by mentioning that you learned a few tricks but didn't share them up front.

That creates a little interest and gets the reader to want to continue down your conversion path (if you can keep with that tone).

Others have mentioned that the girl looks bored, which she does, but her expression also perfectly captures the "yeah, you can go f__ yourself now" look that no guy wants to see.

Set the tone with your headline. Be direct and straight to the point. Use images that illustrate the benefit of your offer. Keep your copy clear.