Some Copywriting Issues on my squeeze page

11 years ago

I actually think you've done a good job there, considering English is not your first language.

But...that's what's killing you.

Your lack of proper English is obvious and it is scaring people away.

You could probably hire somebody inexpensive here that could take what you've done and fix it fairly quickly.

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GarrettLST

11 years ago

Hi David,

As a copywriter myself who's written many squeeze pages I would say it looks a little busy. First, you should always try to keep your headlines 8 words or less if possible. It's much easier to read.

Also, try asking a question in the pre headline. Instead of "80% Of All Men Tend To Stuck In The Friend Zone Even Though They Don't Want It..." Say "Why Are 80% Of Men Stuck In The Friend Zone?"

For the headline I would try this: "How To Stop Being Friends And Start Having Sex!" Or "3 Proven Tricks To Get Her Into Bed Today!"

I would try removing the subheadline, and the headline below the box.

For the call to action text I would say "
Simply Enter Your Email To Get Instant Access To

My FREE Report "Crush The Friend Zone" And Get Her Into Bed Tonight!

Thanks

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NickN

11 years ago

Maybe I'm wrong, but if a guy and a girl are best friends (and have been for awhile), wouldn't the guy be more inclined to want to have the girl as his girlfriend?

Best friends develop a deep caring for one another. I'm not sure how many male best friends see their female best friend as a mere sexual object.

I could be wrong, though. Take this post with a grain of salt.

-Nick

Thanks
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Mark Pescetti

11 years ago

Originally Posted by NickN

Maybe I'm wrong, but if a guy and a girl are best friends (and have been for awhile), wouldn't the guy be more inclined to want to have the girl as his girlfriend?

Best friends develop a deep caring for one another. I'm not sure how many male best friends see their female best friend as a mere sexual object.

I could be wrong, though. Take this post with a grain of salt.

-Nick

It goes back to When Harry Met Sally.

Men and women can't be friends - without sex entering the equation... at some point.

There's usually a huge crush on one side - if not both.

When friends finally bump uglies, it's usually very lust-driven. Sure, it could become a Married With Children kinda situation, but it's usually just the need to see her naked and do everything you've been fantasizing about for god knows how long. (From his perspective, of course.)

Mark

P.S. Go after infatuation and raw sex drive in one squeeze page... and test it against something more relationship oriented. See which one wins. Let us know.

P.P.S. If you're going after infatuation, REALLY do it. "Oh my God, I can't believe I'm finally gonna be inside her. Read how he did it."

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davidg93

11 years ago

Thanks for all the replies. I went over to fiverr and hired someone for a review.

The niche:
I totally understand all of your ideas and thoughts about it. Friendship between men and women is definitly not possible. One of them want more (whether just sex or love and a relationship). At first I wanted to write "Learn How To Turn Any Of Your Friends Into Your Ultimate Sex-Companion", but after some thoughts I realized that it might be better to specifiy it to the best friend. If I was the customer and I want to pick up a regular female friend of mine, I would think "Wow, if these technics are for the BEST friend, getting a regular friend should be easy with them. Let's check it out."

The only question was, whether it is better to go into relationships or into friends with benefits. I will make 2 websites with different copies and need to try. At the moment this website does not convert at all (! 4% Opt-In Ratio !)

Thanks
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ewenmack

11 years ago

The men who are "trapped" in the friend zone who have
the strongest in-built desire to resolve it, aren't those you are going after.

Therefore you are risking failure.

Going after men who have been dating and the relationship
has now slipped into the "friend" zone, are the ones wanting help.

They are feeling the loss, don't want to lose what they had
and are already heavily invested in the relationship.

See how they are ripe for a resolution?

Best,
Ewen

Thanks
1 reply

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davidg93

11 years ago

So basiclly I should go into the following problem. Did I understand this the right way?

Let's say we got a person named Ryan. Ryan had multiple dates with a woman, treated her as good as he could, but finally received the magic words "Let's just be friends".

Instead of:
Ryan, who put himself into the friend zone, because he was too scared of losing the girl.

Originally Posted by ewenmack

The men who are "trapped" in the friend zone who have
the strongest in-built desire to resolve it, aren't those you are going after.

Therefore you are risking failure.

Going after men who have been dating and the relationship
has now slipped into the "friend" zone, are the ones wanting help.

They are feeling the loss, don't want to lose what they had
and are already heavily invested in the relationship.

See how they are ripe for a resolution?

Best,
Ewen

Thanks

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davemiz

11 years ago

copy sucks.

no one wants to crush the friend zone.

no one

no one wants to turn a girl who has you in the friend zone into a sex thing... they want a girlfriend.

you should really work on studying and surveying your market.

you will make a small fraction of what you're able to, unless you know your market and their desires better than they do.

just sayin'

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davidg93

11 years ago

That is simply not true.

Originally Posted by davemiz

copy sucks.

no one wants to crush the friend zone.

no one

no one wants to turn a girl who has you in the friend zone into a sex thing... they want a girlfriend.

you should really work on studying and surveying your market.

you will make a small fraction of what you're able to, unless you know your market and their desires better than they do.

just sayin'

Thanks
2 replies

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BrianMcLeod 11 years ago

Originally Posted by davidg93

I am a beginner in IM and I am looking for feedback in every area (layout, copy, traffic etc), so it might work out someday.

Originally Posted by davidg93

That is simply not true.

Suggestion: Let go of your opinions, assumptions and hopeful expectations when people with a decade of experience in your market share advice with you.
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Brian McLeod

Direct Response Copywriting
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Tim R 11 years ago

Originally Posted by davidg93

That is simply not true.

I told you the same thing in the other thread you started on this. You need to have a better understanding of this market and what they actually want.

Also spend some time learning the language they use so you can talk to them as an insider. Your copy is really off the mark. Guys don't talk about wanting to 'crush the friend zone' or get an 'ultimate sex companion'.

You also haven't addressed the grammar mistakes. But really the copy needs a total rewrite so perhaps there's no point.

EDIT: Just took a look at you report. Do you have permission from Tao of Badass to use their intellectual property after you've altered it to remove their links?

If you do get any subscribers, I'd be surprised if they don't unsubscribe very soon after.
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- Chriswrighto 11 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Tim R
  
  EDIT: Just took a look at you report. Do you have permission from Tao of Badass to use their intellectual property after you've altered it to remove their links?
  
  David, I think you need to address this...
  
  I've taken a look as well and you've taken their book and removed their link. Not cool.
  
  And you've posted this on a public forum too?
  
  Michael Jackson Smooth Criminal - YouTube
  
  Aside from that, your emails are already registering as spam with me.
  
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  Signature
  
  Wealthcopywriter.com :)
  
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Mark Pescetti

11 years ago

Originally Posted by davemiz

copy sucks.

no one wants to crush the friend zone.

no one

no one wants to turn a girl who has you in the friend zone into a sex thing... they want a girlfriend.

you should really work on studying and surveying your market.

you will make a small fraction of what you're able to, unless you know your market and their desires better than they do.

just sayin'

I agree. There are interested in a relationship. In their imagination, it's a perfect relationship too.

And...

They are definitely hoping to realize their sexual fantasies. "What does she taste like when I kiss her? What will it feel like to have our naked bodies against each other? What does her face look like when she orgasms?"

He's thinking about it. A lot. And IMHO, if copy doesn't at least mention that, money's being left on the table.

Of course...

Let's not forget...

The fantasy is always better. So the reality of what happens after... Happily Ever After... needs to be kept under wraps.

Just hit them up after about 6 months - once the honeymoon period is over - with your latest product about saving your relationship with your best friend. "If you lose her, you've also lost your best friend. Here's how to make sure that never happens."

Mark

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angiecolee

11 years ago

WTF is with the sudden influx of dating and seduction gurus?

Seriously... did some dude sell every other dude on making money as a sex and dating expert?

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2 replies

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KreativCopy 11 years ago

"LEARN HOW TO TURN YOUR BEST FRIEND INTO YOUR ULTIMATE SEX-COMPANION!"

I am sorry but I find the whole concept a little creepy - but that might be because I am female.

I would like to think that if a friendship was going to evolve into something deeper, it would be more than just a bit of rumpy pumpy....especially with a 'friend'.
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NickN 11 years ago

Originally Posted by angiecolee

WTF is with the sudden influx of dating and seduction gurus?

Seriously... did some dude sell every other dude on making money as a sex and dating expert?

I thought this too. But this is an enticing niche for guys. If you're successful, you'll not only make a lot of money but could become a "mini-celebrity" in the process (think that Pickup Artist guy who had a show on VH1).

So the niche promises lots of money AND respect from fellow dudes -- something that should not be underestimated. Unfortunately (I think), most fail because they don't stand out in a sea of "players" hocking their crappy products.
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angiecolee

11 years ago

I understand the allure, but man. There are SO MANY. I can't guarantee I won't punch someone when I recognize the negging in person.

Thanks

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HelpingYouBeAnExpert

11 years ago

It looks good so I think it's the headline, to me it's creepy but I'm 1 split test it try a different approach.

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davidg93

11 years ago

Hey guys,

okay, you might be right. I will angle this whole subject different to reach more people. I thought about Germany. I work as a live dating coach myself to make some extra cash for university, that's why I know that there are definitly people out there who want to turn a female friend from their social circle into friends with benefits. (Think about your own social circle. I think you all have some girls in there, who are damn hot, but no girlfriend material).

The pain I need to adress lies probably more in the guys, who want to have the girl as a girlfriend, you are right.

I will rewrite the copy and let's see, whether it will be better.

You also haven't addressed the grammar mistakes. But really the copy needs a total rewrite so perhaps there's no point.

Already got someone on fiverr. They take their "24hrs to complete" very serious I found.

I understand the allure, but man. There are SO MANY. I can't guarantee I won't punch someone when I recognize the negging in person.

Go for it. I might like it, who knows.

_______________________________________________
Thanks and I will post my results as soon as I am ready.

Thanks

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davidg93

11 years ago

4.30am and finally ready! Here is the new version of my squeeze-page! I hope I did better this time. I tried to get into the group Ewen mentioned, but I brainstormed around 2hours without a solution how I can make it work. So I just went into the overall "I am her good friend and want to get a relationship" - thing.

I look forward reading your feedback!

Thanks

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Tim R

11 years ago

Ignoring the copy for a moment, you've got massive overall problems here. I would suggest getting a better understanding of IM before you continue with this.

You're showing the picture of a book that doesn't exist. People who sign up are expecting to download what they see on your squeeze page, not something else entirely. You could also be getting yourself into legal trouble by altering the report the way you have.

The email that you send to people after they sign up is abysmal. You should be trying to build a relationship with your audience and establish trust and credibility.

Everything about your entire process is spammy and nobody is going to stick around.

Instead of looking for easy solutions, spend some time creating your own content and work towards building up your own brand and establishing your own voice.

Thanks

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RogozRazvan

11 years ago

1. It is not about dating, it is about not seeing you as only a friend.

2. Most people know that it is hard to get out of LJBF. I'd bring some proof. 500 kg of it.

3. That photo is only distracting me. Go for something that is not a stock photo.

4. I'd go for "But we are just friends" got of objection.

From a copywriting POV, you haven't sold me on the idea. From a product creator in this niche, you haven't sold me on the idea because what you are trying to sell is the philosopher's stone. Getting your ex back is one thing. Losing 50 pounds with a 15 min. diet is another. Making $50.000/month by working only four hours a week is a possibility.

But ask anyone who tried to get out of the LJBF zone if it is possible and he'll say no. I'm not saying that it is not possible but it is like saying to a shy person that he can become a great public speaker. You are going against beliefs.

Speaking of which, shouldn't you center the page?

Thanks

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davemiz

11 years ago

lol... @ davidg93

when you're new.... and come asking for reviews... it's time for you to put your little ego away... and put your "learning and humble" cap on...

cool?

cool.

I have a DECADE of selling to this niche.

Thats 10 years... selling the same products including a #1 clickbank offer... and well into 7 figures in sales.

think I might kinda sorta know the niche a bit.

maybe a wee bit more than you do. :-)

Thanks

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â€œJudge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.â€
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pietjeplukt

11 years ago

a couple of things...
- use less text, to much text confuses people, be short and to the core of the point, focus on the problem your audience has and offer a strong to the point solution

- under your headline, let's call it your sub-headline it says "enter your email" REMOVE that sentence, you only want them to read that after they read the rest or it will scare them away, if they read the rest first and you grabbed their attention, they don't mind that anymore, even better they will WANT to fill in their email adress

- create different versions of this same page and do some split testing

- it could also be due to your source of traffic, maybe the place you are getting your traffic from is not targeted enough, this is a very specific topic

- squeezepages need to be short, attention grabbing, and most important, seem like they will solve your audiences problems... really speak to their emotions, the CORE of their problems

- make it so that they really want to enter their email because they CRAVE a solution, play with their emotions, thats what marketing is mostly about

- check the squeezepages of top marketers in your niche for inspiration
- check my sig for inspiration, eventhough it is a completely different niche, it might give you an idea

hope this helps... cheers!

Thanks

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Some Copywriting Issues on my squeeze page

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