Please Critique My First Attempt At Copy.

10 years ago

Alberto,

Congratulations! You took the first step. Bravo!

I got caught up in the story so I shifted a block for you. The story has to be under your headline.

Can that copy be tweaked possibly. But let's do this one step at a time. I did edit 1 line and rearranged the copy of your structure.

Discover the art of love from nature's very own Mata Hari

As a living, breathing entity, the flower knows a thing or two about the art of love.

An arch seducer, the flower is nature's very own Mata Hari whose sole purpose is to procreate.

She may not speak your language but she knows that in order to receive she must first give.

Through her eye-dazzling beauty, sweet fragrance and delicious nectar she seduces the passing mark who is powerless against her charms and between the two the act of love is sealed and the continuation of life guaranteed.

At Vigor flowers we don't just sell flowers. We guarantee:

Experiences

Feelings

Emotions

Life itself

Whatever your occasion, be it romantic, corporate, sympathy or just to treat yourself, bring your special moment to life with Vigor flowers.

Free delivery.

Call now for a free quote and friendly advice or order online.

[ 2 ] Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9485117].message }}

Alberto Eisenstein 10 years ago

I've tweaked the copy to simplify it. Here goes:

Discover the art of love from nature’s very own Mata Hari

The flower knows a thing or two about the art of love.

An arch seducer, she is nature’s very own Mata Hari whose sole purpose is to procreate.

She may not speak your language but, like you, she understands that in order to receive she must first give.

With her delicate beauty, scented fragrance and tempting nectar she seduces her passing mark who is powerless against her charm.

United, the two perform the act of love through giving and receiving out of which new life is brought to bear.

At Vigor flowers we don’t just sell flowers. We promise:

Experience

Feeling

Emotion

and Life itself

Whatever your occasion, be it romantic, corporate, sympathy or just to treat yourself, bring your special moment to life with Vigor flowers.

Free delivery.

Call now for a free quote and friendly advice or order online.

I wonder if I should consider writing erotica.
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9485315].message }}

angiecolee

10 years ago

Keep in mind who you're talking to.

Is it educated people who actually get the Mata Hari reference?

Is it some clueless guy just trying to make things right with his lady?

Is it the office administrator picking up a bouquet to wish a coworker well after a protracted illness?

People buy flowers for many reasons. They're not all suave, sophisticated paramours. Keep that in mind if you're writing an about page for a website (not technically sales copy, FYI). You always have to think of the audience and HOW they're consuming your message. You demonstrated that skill by keeping it short and interesting.

In short, good first stab. If you want to sell, get out of about pages and into emails/flyers/direct mail. Keep trying. Your story telling skills will definitely come in handy as you learn.

[ 1 ] Thanks

Signature

Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9485303].message }}

JohnRussell

10 years ago

You appear to be trying to be clever in your copy. You should abandon that.

Does your reader really want to 'discover the art of love?'

Does that speak to somebody who's looking for a funeral arrangement?

It's a flowery (no pun intend) first stab..and good on you for trying.

But you need to stop being clever and dig for the real benefits and uniqueness of this shop and then present it in a way that's clear, direct and compelling.

[ 6 ] Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9485333].message }}

Alberto Eisenstein

10 years ago

Originally Posted by JohnRussell

You appear to be trying to be clever in your copy. You should abandon that.

Does your reader really want to 'discover the art of love?'

Does that speak to somebody who's looking for a funeral arrangement?

It's a flowery (no pun intend) first stab..and good on you for trying.

But you need to stop being clever and dig for the real benefits and uniqueness of this shop and then present it in a way that's clear, direct and compelling.

lol. i was going for the highest market bracket. according to research men were the biggest purchasers of flowers. but yes. i totally see how i miss other markets.

thanks.

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9485380].message }}

JohnRussell

10 years ago

Originally Posted by Alberto Eisenstein

lol. i was going for the highest market bracket. according to research men were the biggest purchasers of flowers. but yes. i totally see how i miss other markets.

thanks.

In fact, a good web page can segregate the readers...you can put links on the page that direct the reader to a page that's more specific to their needs

So you might write 4 pages (or whatever) - one to each demographic - that way you can hit the right emotion.

[ 1 ] Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9485390].message }}

Alberto Eisenstein

10 years ago

Originally Posted by JohnRussell

In fact, a good web page can segregate the readers...you can put links on the page that direct the reader to a page that's more specific to their needs

So you might write 4 pages (or whatever) - one to each demographic - that way you can hit the right emotion.

I like this idea.

I could use my above copy for the Romance page then suggest:

Mothers Day page

Sympathy page

Corporate page

writing a separate and specific copy for each. Each one linking a detail/character of the flower that reflects the page in question.

What do you think?

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9490588].message }}

JohnRussell

10 years ago

Originally Posted by Alberto Eisenstein

I like this idea.

I could write my above copy for the Romance page then suggest:

Mothers Day page

Sympathy page

Corporate page

writing a separate and specific copy for each. What do you think?

Close...I'd still scrap what you wrote above.

You need specifics about the shop.

Things like (I am just making these up)...

- the only florist in XXX with 51 different varieties of roses
- 19 beautiful sympathy and funeral arrangements under $100
- the only shop offering a personal 'florista' -think barista but for the flower industry
- The Thoughtful Men's Club: once a month you get a beautiful flower arrangement for the special woman in your life for only $49. It's a unique, automatic way to tell her you love her every month with a new high quality flower bouquet.

You get the idea.

There's something cool and unique about every business. You have to find it and translate the uniqueness to a benefit to the reader.

Done right, it can become the branding that Mark is on about....

Joe's Flowers - Home of the Thoughtful Men's Club
Joe's Flowers - 51 Varieties of Roses
Joe's Flowers - 19 Arrangements Under $100 - Delivered.

You can't do this in a vacuum - you need to learn about the client you are writing for.

It's all about research my man.

[ 1 ] Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9490619].message }}

Alberto Eisenstein

10 years ago

Originally Posted by JohnRussell

Close...I'd still scrap what you wrote above.

You need specifics about the shop.

Things like (I am just making these up)...

- the only florist in XXX with 51 different varieties of roses
- 19 beautiful sympathy and funeral arrangements under $100
- the only shop offering a personal 'florista' -think barista but for the flower industry
- The Thoughtful Men's Club: once a month you get a beautiful flower arrangement for the special woman in your life for only $49. It's a unique, automatic way to tell her you love her every month with a new high quality flower bouquet.

You get the idea.

There's something cool and unique about every business. You have to find it and translate the uniqueness to a benefit to the reader.

Done right, it can become the branding that Mark is on about....

Joe's Flowers - Home of the Thoughtful Men's Club
Joe's Flowers - 51 Varieties of Roses
Joe's Flowers - 19 Arrangements Under $100 - Delivered.

You can't do this in a vacuum - you need to learn about the client you are writing for.

It's all about research my man.

I'd got the idea from reading Ogilvy's 'On Advertising' where he wrote that ad for Roll's Royce's 1959 Silver Cloud. But like you said he had researched that specific car and how it was made by Rolls not cars in general. I researched a little on flowers in general but not on the shop.

But as I haven't been commissioned by them how would I get to research that particular shop in general and how they operate?

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9490632].message }}

JohnRussell

10 years ago

Originally Posted by Alberto Eisenstein

I'd got the idea from reading Ogilvy's 'On Advertising' where he wrote that ad for Roll's Royce's 1959 Silver Cloud. But like you said he had researched that specific car and how it was made by Rolls not cars in general. I researched a little on flowers in general but not on the shop.

But as I haven't been commissioned by them how would I get to research that particular shop in general and how they operate?

Call them and tell them that you have some ideas to improve sales/profits. And that you want to interview them to see if your ideas make sense.

Tell them that if you do work together, they can pay you on results - that you only get paid if they make money from your advice.

Just ask them questions - and dig deep.

You'll find what's unique about them if you keep at it.

It kind of sucks to work that way - on spec - but you'll get experience and maybe some cash.

But if you're not stuck on florists, I'd pick something more lucrative.

[ 1 ] Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9490652].message }}

angiecolee

10 years ago

John said it perfectly.

Use your story telling skills, but no going for the Pulitzer.

This is not the place to show off your writing skills or how evocative you can be. Evocative copy means nothing if it's not driving them to buy.

And did you read my statement? Why would you keep talking to Mata Hari and seduction? You're missing out on an entire segment that buys for funerals, for condolences, for well wishes, to brighten their own offices (there are at least 3 women at my office who buy their own flowers just to have that fresh cut fragrance/color on their desks).

This basically shows a fundamental misunderstanding of the market. Time to do more research before you attempt again.

[ 3 ] Thanks
1 reply

Signature

Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9485343].message }}

Alberto Eisenstein 10 years ago

Originally Posted by angiecolee

And did you read my statement? Why would you keep talking to Mata Hari and seduction? .

sorry, i posted that before i read your post.
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9485373].message }}

Raydal

10 years ago

I did a quick video critique.

Critique of short flower shop copy - YouTube

-Ray Edwards

[ 5 ] Thanks
1 reply

Signature

The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9485347].message }}

Alberto Eisenstein 10 years ago

Originally Posted by Raydal

I did a quick video critique.

Critique of short flower shop copy - YouTube

-Ray Edwards

Awesome. And slightly bizarre to see that on Youtube.

I shall be studying that over and over.

Nice one.
- Thanks
- 1 reply
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9485400].message }}
- ewenmack 10 years ago
  
  Alberto, always keep in mind at what point somone is at in their buying cycle...
  
  ranging from...
  
  1 totally unaware of the product or service and
  have no need for it
  
  2 have a vague idea what it is
  
  3 believes what it's about,
  but some things aren't true
  
  4 has thought about buying it, but not quite ready
  
  5 actively looking to buy, but not quite sure from who
  
  6 ready to buy from you, just needs to work out how to buy,
  how soon will get it and other finer details of the transaction.
  
  Bringing back to your flower shop,
  where will they be in the 1 to 6?
  
  If you say 6, then the benefits of flowers are known
  because they had made that connection or they wouldn't
  be at the flower shop with credit card in hand...right?
  
  So what do these people want standing at the flower shop?
  
  That's where you enter the conversation.
  
  Best,
  Ewen
  
  [ 2 ] Thanks
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9485487].message }}

Cam Connor

10 years ago

Alberto, in your other thread I indicated that you'd be at a disadvantage from your previous writing career, because you have a good bit which you have to unlearn. This is what I was talking about.

You're trying to sound all flowery like Shakespeare, but that's not how good Copy is written. I'd pick up one or two of the books in the "Top Copywriting books of all time" sticky first, so you at least have a baseline to work from.

Best,
-Cam

[ 1 ] Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9485397].message }}

elmo033057

10 years ago

"She may not talk our language but she is not stupid. She knows that in order to receive she must first give."

Redundant.

God Bless,

ELMO

[ 1 ] Thanks
1 reply

Signature

Mark "Elmo" Ellis
"When It Comes To High Response Copy - I've Got Your Back!"

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9485669].message }}

Raydal

10 years ago

Originally Posted by elmo033057

"She may not talk our language but she is not stupid. She knows that in order to receive she must first give."

Redundant.

God Bless,

ELMO

It's poetically written so this charge wouldn't apply. Consider the "I have a dream"
speech. I wouldn't say the repeated "I have a dream" is redundant because it's
purpose is to create rhythm. Poetry and speech has to break the redundancy
rule to create the needed pattern.

-Ray Edwards

[ 2 ] Thanks
1 reply

Signature

The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9485724].message }}

elmo033057

10 years ago

Originally Posted by Raydal

It's poetically written so this charge wouldn't apply. Consider the "I have a dream"
speech. I wouldn't say the repeated "I have a dream" is redundant because it's
purpose is to create rhythm. Poetry and speech has to break the redundancy
rule to create the needed pattern.

-Ray Edwards

Ray,

Oh, Snap! I missed it. Very clever. I get it!

Thanks

Signature

Mark "Elmo" Ellis
"When It Comes To High Response Copy - I've Got Your Back!"

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9488404].message }}

max5ty

10 years ago

Couple things...

Just got back from speaking at a business conference in Arizona.

As my Citation X was effortlessly cruising at high altitude bringing me back to Ohio...I had a few thoughts about some of the questions I'd been asked and was wondering if I'd given the best response. I'm not the type that can always come up with stuff right off the top of my head. Usually, after I think about things in my mind, I come up with some killer answers.

Those in attendance were CEO's of some big companies. Some were doing good, some so so, others were falling behind the 8 ball.

They're running multi million dollar corporations...you're trying to sell flowers...same basic rules still apply.

Is this ad effective?

How effective do you want it to be? Your ad would be more effective if you gave the stuff away for free. Free stuff. The response rate would go through the roof. Problem solved, you're a hero, right? You did your job as a copywriter. Great response rate.

Wow, copywriter Mr. XXX had a 15% response rate. Woopy doopy do. Seems low for the amount he actually made for the product.

$1500.00 for this widget.. Kinda high don't you think? Would it matter how good the copy was? No. Sure someone would post a link to the best sales letter they've ever seen, and there'd be lots of responses on how super duper it was...

Start a movement.

Big money comes when movements come.

You as a copywriter are a business. You do business with other businesses to bring in more business to their business.

You need to not only start a movement for yourself, but for the companies you represent.

You spend all your time and energy...days and hours...on a sales letter. WTF? You've now got a static piece of art out there. Way to go.

A movement is something that starts small and continues to twirl until it sweeps up everything in its path.

Big storms...you're still stuck on mardi shalacky.

Grow some big ones, or go home.

[ 1 ] Thanks
2 replies

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9485882].message }}

StarkContrast

10 years ago

Originally Posted by max5ty

Couple things...

Start a movement.

Big money comes when movements come.

You as a copywriter are a business. You do business with other businesses to bring in more business to their business.

You need to not only start a movement for yourself, but for the companies you represent.

You spend all your time and energy...days and hours...on a sales letter. WTF? You've now got a static piece of art out there. Way to go.

A movement is something that starts small and continues to twirl until it sweeps up everything in its path.

Grow some big ones, or go home.

A movement. What are you referring to here, Max? With the "static piece of art", what is that about? I know it wasn't addressed to me but I"m trying to learn all I can on these threads.

What threw me off was "You spend all your time and energy...days and hours...on a sales letter. WTF? You've now got a static piece of art out there. Way to go." Seems like it's sarcasm but not sure.

[ 1 ] Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9486306].message }}

max5ty

10 years ago

Originally Posted by StarkContrast

A movement. What are you referring to here, Max? With the "static piece of art", what is that about? I know it wasn't addressed to me but I"m trying to learn all I can on these threads.

What threw me off was "You spend all your time and energy...days and hours...on a sales letter. WTF? You've now got a static piece of art out there. Way to go." Seems like it's sarcasm but not sure.

Sarcasm? Me? Never. I love listening to "copywriters" that can tell us all about making a ton of money when they've never had a real business of their own.

That's my rant.

Would take a lot of space to explain exactly what I meant so I'll try and be quick.

If you took a blank piece of paper and put a black dot in the middle...then drew arrows all around it pointing to the dot...that would represent the concept of most. It's all about come on in, stop by, buy this, look at us. It's all about getting buyers to the dot.

What I call a movement does the exact opposite. It's more an idea of giving than asking to get. Movements gain momentum because they attract people, and people attract more people. If I get some time I'll give my point of view and some of my methods. It's not a new concept in marketing.

Oh well, it's Labor Day. Cook-outs and beer. Happy Labor Day to everyone that lives where it's a holiday.

[ 1 ] Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9487993].message }}

ThePromotionalGuy

10 years ago

max5ty,

Sounds like you're eating from the tree of "Movement Marketing" or "Cultural Marketing".

Originally Posted by max5ty

Sarcasm? Me? Never. I love listening to "copywriters" that can tell us all about making a ton of money when they've never had a real business of their own.

That's my rant.

Would take a lot of space to explain exactly what I meant so I'll try and be quick.

If you took a blank piece of paper and put a black dot in the middle...then drew arrows all around it pointing to the dot...that would represent the concept of most. It's all about come on in, stop by, buy this, look at us. It's all about getting buyers to the dot.

What I call a movement does the exact opposite. It's more an idea of giving than asking to get. Movements gain momentum because they attract people, and people attract more people. If I get some time I'll give my point of view and some of my methods. It's not a new concept in marketing.

Oh well, it's Labor Day. Cook-outs and beer. Happy Labor Day to everyone that lives where it's a holiday.

[ 1 ] Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9488055].message }}

max5ty 10 years ago

Originally Posted by ThePromotionalGuy

max5ty,

Sounds like you're eating from the tree of "Movement Marketing" or "Cultural Marketing".

Wouldn't say I've been eating from the tree. I'm familiar with it. There's some good in it...also some hype.

With the rise of social media, a lot of new things have been tried. Some worked, some didn't. Always good to be open minded. Social media is a fast changing market.

Some big companies into it...Proctor and Gamble being one. They've had some success, also had some real bombs.

Overall, like most things, guess I'd say there's good and bad about it.

There's some good links on google. Lots of new stuff that's not mentioned, but it's still interesting.
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9488643].message }}

JamesDLayton 10 years ago

Originally Posted by max5ty

Start a movement.

Big money comes when movements come.

It's better to be the guy who started Zumba and knew how to write copy than write a sales letter for a local gym?

James
- [ 1 ] Thanks
- 1 reply
Signature

"We are what we think about
all day long." - Earl Nightingale

One of the easiest transformations I ever undertook as a copywriter was reading that quote every day.
James
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9486549].message }}
- Mark Pescetti 10 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by JamesDLayton
  
  It's better to be the guy who started Zumba and knew how to write copy than write a sales letter for a local gym?
  
  James
  
  Zumba? You mean a brand name James?
  
  I'm in a "weird" mood. I apologize.
  
  Mark
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  Signature
  
  Do you want a 9 figure copywriter and biz owner to Write With You? I'll work with you, on zoom, to help write your copy or client copy... while you learn from one of the few copywriters to legit hit 9 figures in gross sales! Discover More
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9487559].message }}
  
  JamesDLayton 10 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Mark Pescetti
  
  Zumba? You mean a brand name James?
  
  I'm in a "weird" mood. I apologize.
  
  Mark
  
  WTF? I'm confused now. Max was lighting the fire I just fanned the flames.
  
  James
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  Signature
  
  "We are what we think about
  all day long." - Earl Nightingale
  
  One of the easiest transformations I ever undertook as a copywriter was reading that quote every day.
  James
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9489038].message }}
  
  Mark Pescetti 10 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by JamesDLayton
  
  WTF? I'm confused now. Max was lighting the fire I just fanned the flames.
  
  James
  
  Before you go liking posts, make sure you know what you're liking.
  
  Go through your own homepage James. Is there branding? Is the avatar you're selling to clear? A couple no's.
  
  At this stage of your career, be careful which bandwagons you choose to hop onto.
  
  Mark
  
  [ 2 ] Thanks
  
  2 replies
  
  Signature
  
  Do you want a 9 figure copywriter and biz owner to Write With You? I'll work with you, on zoom, to help write your copy or client copy... while you learn from one of the few copywriters to legit hit 9 figures in gross sales! Discover More
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9489844].message }}
  
  JohnRussell 10 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Mark Pescetti
  
  At this stage of your career, be careful which bandwagons you choose to hop onto.
  
  Mark
  
  Maybe he is.
  
  Are you saying he should be jumping onto your bandwagon?
  
  I think you're inferring a lot into his liking a post.
  
  [ 2 ] Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9490066].message }}
  
  Mark Pescetti 10 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by JohnRussell
  
  Maybe he is.
  
  Are you saying he should be jumping onto your bandwagon?
  
  I think you're inferring a lot into his liking a post.
  
  Lol. You're probably right.
  
  [ 1 ] Thanks
  
  Signature
  
  Do you want a 9 figure copywriter and biz owner to Write With You? I'll work with you, on zoom, to help write your copy or client copy... while you learn from one of the few copywriters to legit hit 9 figures in gross sales! Discover More
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9490112].message }}
  
  JamesDLayton 10 years ago
  
  Well.....
  
  As a GENERAL copywriter then you got me. Hands up-pants down.
  
  But for my OWN product.
  
  A weight loss product I had to go through hell to write. Drop 80lbs and damn near kill myself to achieve. Drag my ass out of bed at 4:30 to run for 2hrs before I looked after my kids. Come home drenched and frozen to the bone. Then lift weights despite dying inside because I thought I had liver cancer and was probably going to leave a 5 and 3 year old fatherless?
  
  I got that sh*t dialled......
  
  James
  
  P.S - Love more.
  
  [ 1 ] Thanks
  
  Signature
  
  "We are what we think about
  all day long." - Earl Nightingale
  
  One of the easiest transformations I ever undertook as a copywriter was reading that quote every day.
  James
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9490224].message }}

Mark Pescetti

10 years ago

Alberto!

A couple questions...

Who's the avatar?

What's the positioning?

What kind of branding did you come up with?

Is there a hook? What is it?

What emotions are you targeting?

Are there specific circumstances where flowers make all the difference in the world? If so, what are they?

The fact that I have so many questions means the ad is likely ineffective.

How about creating an ad directed to men - who want to tell their lovers, "I love you?"

Or...

How about creating "just the right flower arrangement at your wedding?"

Get specific.

Get clear on your positioning, hook and avatar - before you try writing a word.

Mark

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

Do you want a 9 figure copywriter and biz owner to Write With You? I'll work with you, on zoom, to help write your copy or client copy... while you learn from one of the few copywriters to legit hit 9 figures in gross sales! Discover More

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9485906].message }}

max5ty

10 years ago

Originally Posted by Mark Pescetti

Alberto!

A couple questions...

Who's the avatar?

What's the positioning?

What kind of branding did you come up with?

Is there a hook? What is it?

What emotions are you targeting?

Are there specific circumstances where flowers make all the difference in the world? If so, what are they?

The fact that I have so many questions means the ad is likely ineffective.

How about creating an ad directed to men - who want to tell their lovers, "I love you?"

Or...

How about creating "just the right flower arrangement at your wedding?"

Get specific.

Get clear on your positioning, hook and avatar - before you try writing a word.

Mark

Mark, I wish you'd get off your avatar, branding, and positioning thing...it's nonsense.

Is this something you read in a thing you bought, or is this just mumba jumba stuff that sounds important?

[ 1 ] Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9485913].message }}

Mark Pescetti

10 years ago

Originally Posted by max5ty

Mark, I wish you'd get off your avatar, branding, and positioning thing...it's nonsense.

Is this something you read in a thing you bought, or is this just mumba jumba stuff that sounds important?

It's just mumbo jumbo stuff for sure.

[ 1 ] Thanks
2 replies

Signature

Do you want a 9 figure copywriter and biz owner to Write With You? I'll work with you, on zoom, to help write your copy or client copy... while you learn from one of the few copywriters to legit hit 9 figures in gross sales! Discover More

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9486092].message }}

sethczerepak

10 years ago

Originally Posted by Alberto Eisenstein

This is for a flower shop. At the moment their web Home/About page is a few lines of who they are and what they do but not much about what they offer the customer and how to solve the customer's problems. The actual name of the shop and it's owner (which I have changed) is a synonym of Life which I tried to incorporate in the text.

I've gone through the guidelines before drafting this short copy and this is what I came up with. Your opinions would be appreciated to see if I am on the right lines and how best to improve. Thanking you in advance.

Discover the art of love from nature’s very own Mata Hari

At Vigor flowers we don’t just sell flowers. We produce:

Experiences

Feelings

Emotions

Life itself
.

Great to see you took the feedback on that other post and kept coming Alberto.

Here's the problem with the copy, you're not doing what you SAY that Vigo flowers does.

You're not creating an experience, a feeling, or an emotion.

Your copy is in no way connected to "life itself..." there's no relevance to anything that the buyer wants....and that means, no desire. Off the cuff, here's what I'm talking about...
**********

When Was the Last Time You REALLY Made Her Smile?

Imagine the look on your lady's face when you walk in the door with a fresh, colorful bouquet of her FAVORITE roses.
**************

...and the rest is your job.

You have to understand that the man buying flowers could probably care less if every last flower on earth withered away into peat moss.

More than anything, a man wants to make his woman smile.

He wants her to brag to all her friends about what an amazing and romantic lover he his for bringing her flowers. Most important, he secretly wants to see his male friends hang their heads in shame when they realize that he just outstaged them in the romance department and that HE will be going home to a woman who is burning to tear off his clothes like she's ripping open a present on Christmas morning....

...while his buddies go home to a romantically frustrated woman who is poised at the door ready to nag them about not taking out the trash, when all she REALLY wants is for him to do something special, magical and spontaneous, like bring her flowers.

See the difference?

One is about life, the other is about another company trying to sell a product.

Mediocre copywriting tries to promote a product, good copywriting talks about features and benefits. But great copywriting, paints a specific picture of the very thing which the buyer wants to experience because of the product or service.

You're a screen play writer aren't you?

Write the screenplay THEY want to live in. If you're unclear on what I mean, try this...

...the next time a kid's superhero movie comes out, stand outside the theater after the movie releases (don't wear a rain coat and sunglasses, might look suspicious)...and watch how the kids are acting after they've left the theater. They want to BE the superhero...and for a moment, they believe that they can be. In their heart EVERY adult wants that. They want a story that's big enough to live in and believable enough to pursue with total abandon.

Find that story, write that story, and watch the dollars roll in.

Originally Posted by Alberto Eisenstein

I've tweaked the copy to simplify it. Here goes:

Discover the art of love from nature’s very own Mata Hari

The flower knows a thing or two about the art of love.

An arch seducer, she is nature’s very own Mata Hari whose sole purpose is to procreate.

She may not speak your language but, like you, she understands that in order to receive she must first give.

With her delicate beauty, scented fragrance and tempting nectar she seduces her passing mark who is powerless against her charm.

United, the two perform the act of love through giving and receiving out of which new life is brought to bear.

At Vigor flowers we don’t just sell flowers. We promise:

Experience

Feeling

Emotion

and Life itself

Whatever your occasion, be it romantic, corporate, sympathy or just to treat yourself, bring your special moment to life with Vigor flowers.

Free delivery.

Call now for a free quote and friendly advice or order online.

I wonder if I should consider writing erotica.

See above, you're still not selling the dream.

Originally Posted by Mark Pescetti

It's just mumbo jumbo stuff for sure.

Agreed. Mumbo Jumbo stuff for sure.

That is, if Mumbo Jumbo means more sales and more profits and enough money to buy a Jumbo yet and fly it to Mumbo (that's got to be some uncharted island in the Pacific). But maybe I misunderstood the question.

On that note, and this is for Alberto, you have to know who you're talking to (that's your Avatar in Mumbo Jumbo language BTW) in order to identify their desire.

That's the first step. If you try to sell flowers to people planning a funeral using the SAME AD and same positioning which you'd use to sell flowers to a man who wants to make his woman smile and get a hot sloppy ***job that night, you'll end up appealing to no one...well, except maybe a necrophiliac.

That might be an interesting project.

If this were my client, I'd choose their most profitable customer Avatar and write the PERFECT ad for them. Then, I'd create separate ads for their funeral and wedding people. Believe me, if you try to make everyone your customer NO ONE will be.

PS: Title of my next book "Mumbo Jumbo for Jumbo Money Bro." Just sayin' could work.

[ 3 ] Thanks
1 reply

Signature

See My Copywriting Portfolio and Testimonials

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9487303].message }}

Mark Pescetti

10 years ago

Originally Posted by sethczerepak

Agreed. Mumbo Jumbo stuff for sure.

That is, if Mumbo Jumbo means more sales and more profits and enough money to buy a Jumbo yet and fly it to Mumbo (that's got to be some uncharted island in the Pacific). But maybe I misunderstood the question.

You could brand a company, a person, a "movement" as a Max puts it, but apparently, I'm passe.

All good.

Let me ask y'all this...

What's the point of creating memorable advertising - if nobody remembers the brand name that put it out?

How do you build... a brand... if you're always just selling a hook or positioning?

You see...

It's snide remarks, like the one Max5ty dropped, that makes me wonder how many people REALLY get what branding is...

...whether it's Coke, Pepsi or Venus Factor.

...whether it's pure direct response or image advertising.

...whether you're selling an ebook about growing a 4x4 foot garden or a truck.

Ask yourselves...

Why do people trust brands... and pay more for them?

Again... all good.

Mark

Thanks
2 replies

Signature

Do you want a 9 figure copywriter and biz owner to Write With You? I'll work with you, on zoom, to help write your copy or client copy... while you learn from one of the few copywriters to legit hit 9 figures in gross sales! Discover More

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9487544].message }}

sethczerepak 10 years ago

Originally Posted by Mark Pescetti

It's snide remarks, like the one Max5ty dropped, that makes me wonder how many people REALLY get what branding is...

Now Mark, let's not get nuts.

Of course they know...

Duh
- [ 1 ] Thanks
- 1 reply
Signature

See My Copywriting Portfolio and Testimonials
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9487555].message }}
- Mark Pescetti 10 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by sethczerepak
  
  Now Mark, let's not get nuts.
  
  Of course they know...
  
  Duh
  
  Seth...
  
  Someone needs to hold me back.
  
  "Hold me back! Hold me back!"
  
  Thanks
  
  Signature
  
  Do you want a 9 figure copywriter and biz owner to Write With You? I'll work with you, on zoom, to help write your copy or client copy... while you learn from one of the few copywriters to legit hit 9 figures in gross sales! Discover More
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9487561].message }}
max5ty 10 years ago

Originally Posted by Mark Pescetti

It's snide remarks, like the one Max5ty dropped, that makes me wonder how many people REALLY get what branding is...

Mark

You're entitled to your opinions, but hopefully you realize your opinions aren't always universal. Nor are they always right or wrong.

I did a post before where my final conclusion was that branding was the feeling you got about a person or product. How you feel when you hear the word Coke, etc.

Personal branding is first inherited. I read James site and felt a certain way about him. Good I might add. So, yes I'd say there's branding...in my definition.

Anyways, back to your comment wondering how many people really get branding...

reminded me of an article I had read, so I dug it up.

Apparently (as I already knew), there's a whole lot of successful people with a whole lot of different ideas.

School of Visual Arts - MPS in Branding | What is Branding
- [ 1 ] Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9490553].message }}

splitTest 10 years ago

Originally Posted by Mark Pescetti

It's just mumbo jumbo stuff for sure.

haha cool comeback
- [ 1 ] Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9487846].message }}

Alberto Eisenstein

10 years ago

When I used to write the adverts for the estate agencies they went something like this:

Kilburn NW6, £300pw

Large 2 bed flat to rent. 5 min walk to tube. 2 double bedrooms. 1st floor. Fully furnished. Available now.

Dealt only in facts and what would be of interest to the renter. Where it was, what it was, how much etc. so the same principle applies for all outlets? Whether it's a flower shop or whatever? Facts, facts, facts?

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9486468].message }}

Steve The Copywriter

10 years ago

There is one thing you could do with the copy.

It's risky, you shouldn't and it may not work.

Keep your copy.

And underneath write.

"Oh For Goodness Sake Just Buy Her Some Flowers!"

Steve

[ 2 ] Thanks

Signature

http://www.warriorforum.com/warriors...right-now.html

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9486476].message }}

Steve The Copywriter

10 years ago

Nooo...

I was still chuckling and mentioning to friends Marks joke about a "past wife experience"

(you'll need to see the thread).

And now he's back harping on about branding.

So, Steve don't you believe in the big "B" word? (most do).

Yes I do.

Because every Ad you write creates it.

It happens automatically.

Steve

[ 1 ] Thanks

Signature

http://www.warriorforum.com/warriors...right-now.html

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9487631].message }}

ahakimi

10 years ago

Without getting into any mechanics of writing copy - all I can say is this. As I was reading it myself, just as a reader and nothing more (non-critiquing mindset), I felt a charge that made me see flowers in a new way and made me want to freaking buy some flowers!

Perhaps because the style, appreciation and beauty of them, and the way it was written, was aligned with how I feel about them and connected with me? Not sure.

[ 2 ] Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9489674].message }}

ThePromotionalGuy

10 years ago

ahakimi,

You nailed it. That was my first reaction. The story made me want to buy flowers.

It reminded me of Clyde Bedell's teachings in, "HOW TO CONVERT WHITE SPACE INTO ADVERTISING THAT SELLS"

Originally Posted by ahakimi

Without getting into any mechanics of writing copy - all I can say is this. As I was reading it myself, just as a reader and nothing more (non-critiquing mindset), I felt a charge that made me see flowers in a new way and made me want to freaking buy some flowers!

Perhaps because the style, appreciation and beauty of them, and the way it was written, was aligned with how I feel about them and connected with me? Not sure.

[ 2 ] Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9489770].message }}

angiecolee

10 years ago

We discussed a lot of this in private, but I'll echo what was said above.

Definitely a good foundation in getting to the core demo of male flower buyers. Remember to get to other segments too.

Great knowledge for guys interested in this business: there is such a thing as the busiest time of year for flower sellers/arrangers. It coincides with engagement season, which runs from Thanksgiving to Valentine's Day. Mother's Day is another big spike.

So always know which strategy is best for your biz - niche-ing down (in this case only going for guys), or remembering that there's a larger market out there you're missing out on.

[ 3 ] Thanks

Signature

Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9490296].message }}

Please Critique My First Attempt At Copy.

Trending Topics

Newbie

How did you turn it all around?

A healthy fascination for Hollywood...

Any thoughts on golf's latest phenom...Scottie Scheffler??

best high quality crypto traffic.