Squeeze Page Copywriting Critique Needed!

by 20 replies
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Dear Master Copywriters,

I have recently made changes to my squeeze page at www.easy-ways-to-lose-weight.com

My conversion rate right now is at about 6%, which i feel is quite low and has much room for improvement. Do let me know what you guys think!!

Any feedback is highly welcomed.

Thanks
Jeremy
#copywriting #copywriting #critique #needed #page #squeeze
  • Hey Jeremy,

    There's a few problems with your landing page...

    1. Your page looks amateur. Without even reading a word it looks like something I was taught to make at school.

    2. I don't like the placement of the sign up button... I think it would be better in that gaping hole on the right.

    3. The weight loss industry won't believe that you have a "top secret diet plan"... it's been played out over and over... the market is indifferent to it.

    4. Your bullets look a bit thin and could do with some fattening up.

    Hope this helps,

    Chris



    EDIT: For some reason, the video didn't show up when I first looked at the page and wrote this post.
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    • Hi Chriswrighto,

      thanks for the informative feedback. What do you mean by fattening up the bullets? are you referring to the words or the bullets itself?
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  • Well, apart from the rather pleasant surprise on the video…

    The copy is about 7 years out of date.

    Everything you say has been said a billion times.

    You need a new "mechanism" -

    The reason why people can lose weight.

    Or why they haven't been able to.


    Steve
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  • Hi Jeremy,

    Here are just some of my thoughts:
    • I quite like 'What Industry Professionals Don't Want You To Know'....but it needs to be refined a bit more with a better hook. The 'top secret diet plan' just doesn't do it for me. It is a bit 'James Bond'.
    • 'watch the secret video'...oh no...I would prefer to watch a groundbreaking video which lets me into something which not many people know about...so I can lose a shed load of weight.
    • The bullet points need to be in better English. For example, you state 'This video will show you...' and then at bullet point 3 for example you go on to say '2-3 size drop in dress sizes'. This just doesn't make sense and completely trips me up. I know what you are trying to say, but the fact that the English is incorrect puts me off

    In short, I guess it is just not compelling enough. Although this area is saturated, and you are using relatively tired copy, when done correctly it still works a treat.

    Good luck!

    PS...video only worked on 3rd attempt. As for 25lb in such a short amount of time....where are the stretch marks? :-)
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  • thanks everyone for your feedback!
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  • Reading from idiot boards tells me right away to worry. Why would she need to "remember" how she lost weight. Also as someone who dropped 80lbs I can tell you that girls never been a pound overweight. No stretch marks and her body language is all wrong. She's never felt bad about how she looks.

    James
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    • My "knower" tells me the same thing.

      This is an actress who has probably never been overweight in her life and might have even led the High-School chearleading team in a "look at kathy, the fatty fat fatty" chant every time the resident overweight nerd walked into the girl's locker room.

      SHE needs to go. Then, here are some other things you'll want to change...

      Ultimate Diet Plan - What Industry Professionals Don't Want You To Know

      ...Ugh, like that's SOOOOO 2001.

      Take your "2-3 size drop in dress sizes in a month" bullet...add a "WITHOUT ____(usual hassle here)___.. and you've got a much better headline.

      Sign up to watch the groundbreaking video & receive a free 5-day weight loss crash course to your inbox - FOR FREE!

      Essential rule of copywriting: "it's not what you say that matters, it's what you get your reader to imagine." That said, don't use the word "groundbreaking," when talking to an overweight person. I'm sure you can imagine what emotions and hurtful memories that might bring up (kid's joking about the "earthquakes" when they walk, etc).

      Also, don't use the word "crash," in conjunction with your product or anything about it. Crash dieting has a severely negative neuro-association with it. I realize you're talking about the report and not the diet, but the subconscious mind doesn't know that. It just associates one thing with another and creates an emotional response. This means, many reader's WON'T want to see the video, even if they can't consciously articulate the reason why.

      (Check out Gestalt psychology, and "association principle" for more on that)

      The full video will show you
      How to obtain your dream body
      100% Natural Weight Loss Methods
      2-3 size drop in dress sizes in a month
      Step-by-step guide to permanent weight loss

      "obtain your dream body," paints no picture in the prospect's mind and sounds like a stuffy college professor who drives a 1989 Mercury tracer to work, wears tweed jackets with black elbow patches and bores his students to sleep in the lecture hall. You need a description of their dream body (tight abs, firm arms and shoulders etc...) which creates a REAL image in their mind.

      We hate spam just as much as you

      Change this to "Your privacy is 100% guaranteed. Your information will never be shared.

      Again, it's not what you say, it's the emotional response you create. The word "spam" just makes people think "spam..." so unless they're in Hawaii and really hungry (and unless you include the word "pineapples," in there somewhere), using the word spam isn't going to help conversions.

      MOST IMPORTANT, you need SOMETHING unique about your offer and it needs to be specifically stated enough to where they can say: "Hey, that sounds like something I can't read on a blog for free..." (BTW, saying "this is NOT something you'll read on a free blog", doesn't count.

      People are more easily persuaded by conclusions which you help them arrive at ON THEIR OWN). Right now, you have nothing unique or interesting. No hook. It's like throwing a piece of bait out on a string and hoping the fish gets himself tangled up in your line while going after it.
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  • You're getting into the weight loss niche for money. I get it. It can be a money maker. But here's the thing.

    For people who struggle with food addiction. It's like handing a bullshit ebook to a meth head and saying "Oh this will cure you." Only to find out it didn't and he's now dead under a bridge. You're killing people.

    There I said it.

    You're thrashing around in the dark trying to hit a pinata. You have 2 choices. Do a SHIT TON of research or live through the pain.

    There's no shortcut.

    Even living through it like I did isn't a shortcut. But I know one thing. Anyone who suffers food addiction and reads what you have to offer, will dismiss it before you've sold it.

    I'm not a master copywriter like these guys, and I know THEY can tap into the surface of what fat people need. But you're clutching at straws.

    Do some research.
    Or
    Partner with someone who has lost weight and knows what to say.

    (not me)

    James
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    • James, thank you for the really honest feedback. Exactly what I need to get ahead. Do you by any chance have any resources to help find JV opportunities?

      Hey Tim, thanks for taking some time out to comment on my squeeze page. I have thought about the feedback, but as someone who has no copywriting experience whatsoever I'm doing it on a trial and error basis. If you have more insights please do share with me! thanks again.
  • Is this your program? Or are you an affiliate?

    Either way...

    Get rid of the video. As Tim said, it's obviously a cheap Fivver video. You just shot any credibility you COULD create in the foot.

    If you're an affiliate, what's the product?

    If this is your product, what's the REAL story behind it? What makes it different?

    You're targeting women. Okay, great. As Steve mentioned above, is there a specific mechanism or angle you're going after? Leptin? A unique, easy way to trigger muscle activation? Health related?

    Without knowing what the product is, why you wrote it... or why you're an affiliate for it (other than just trying to make money,) I don't think anyone here can help.

    Mark
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    • Hey Mark, thanks for your feedback. I am currently selling an affiliate product called "The 3 Week Diet". I went through the sample copy and it's all really good stuff! All the content promotes healthy weight loss, which is the way I believe it should be. Crash diets that yield no permanent results leave a bad taste in my mouth.
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  • I don't have much of a clue when it comes to JV. Google will pull a few thing up no doubt. Problem is anyone on a JV site who knows this niche will already have it figured out.

    There's no room for you in the equation.

    Find someone local. Put an ad in the paper, Craigslist, Gumtree.

    Find someone who DIDN'T use a known diet or fitness regime (I didn't I created my own) and get their story.

    Warts n all.

    Write it.

    Create a "product". (Mine is an ebook and workshops/seminars soon)

    Then follow the "truth" of that until it creates wealth.

    If the person you choose to JV with has a compelling enough story. And YOU market and package it the right way. It's hard to fail.

    Since it's unique.

    Critical.

    Urgent and most of all......... true.

    James
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  • Slowly...patiently...testing...improving.

    Try different things. Dramatic changes produce dramatic results.

    These pages are quick and easy to produce. Just crank out some variations and test.

    Hmmm...seems like I've seen her before. Oh wait - She did a weight loss testimonial for us once
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  • The video didn't even load when I tried to visit the page. But after a few reloads, I got one (featuring a girl with dark hair) to show up. I think one of your A/B test videos isn't working.

    I don't have much to add that hasn't been explained above. However, regarding the design of your page, it looks like a module ripped from a different page – like I clicked a link accidentally and am seeing a portion of a bigger site. My first thought was, "Wait, is this what I'm supposed to be looking at?" I would have dropped off right then if I weren't reviewing your page.

    I know you're deliberately keeping it focused, but I'd recommend trying a different landing page template. Maybe find one that conveys more of a landing page instead of just a section of a page.
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