Squeeze Page Copywriting Critique Needed!

20 replies
Dear Master Copywriters,

I have recently made changes to my squeeze page at www.easy-ways-to-lose-weight.com

My conversion rate right now is at about 6%, which i feel is quite low and has much room for improvement. Do let me know what you guys think!!

Any feedback is highly welcomed.

Thanks
Jeremy
#copywriting #critique #needed #page #squeeze
  • Profile picture of the author Chriswrighto
    Hey Jeremy,

    There's a few problems with your landing page...

    1. Your page looks amateur. Without even reading a word it looks like something I was taught to make at school.

    2. I don't like the placement of the sign up button... I think it would be better in that gaping hole on the right.

    3. The weight loss industry won't believe that you have a "top secret diet plan"... it's been played out over and over... the market is indifferent to it.

    4. Your bullets look a bit thin and could do with some fattening up.

    Hope this helps,

    Chris



    EDIT: For some reason, the video didn't show up when I first looked at the page and wrote this post.
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    • Profile picture of the author jeremyong
      Originally Posted by Chriswrighto View Post

      Hey Jeremy,

      There's a few problems with your landing page...

      1. Your page looks amateur. Without even reading a word it looks like something I was taught to make at school.

      2. I don't like the placement of the sign up button... I think it would be better in that gaping hole on the right.

      3. The weight loss industry won't believe that you have a "top secret diet plan"... it's been played out over and over... the market is indifferent to it.

      4. Your bullets look a bit thin and could do with some fattening up.

      Hope this helps,

      Chris



      EDIT: For some reason, the video didn't show up when I first looked at the page and wrote this post.
      Hi Chriswrighto,

      thanks for the informative feedback. What do you mean by fattening up the bullets? are you referring to the words or the bullets itself?
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  • Well, apart from the rather pleasant surprise on the video…

    The copy is about 7 years out of date.

    Everything you say has been said a billion times.

    You need a new "mechanism" -

    The reason why people can lose weight.

    Or why they haven't been able to.


    Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author KreativCopy
    Hi Jeremy,

    Here are just some of my thoughts:
    • I quite like 'What Industry Professionals Don't Want You To Know'....but it needs to be refined a bit more with a better hook. The 'top secret diet plan' just doesn't do it for me. It is a bit 'James Bond'.
    • 'watch the secret video'...oh no...I would prefer to watch a groundbreaking video which lets me into something which not many people know about...so I can lose a shed load of weight.
    • The bullet points need to be in better English. For example, you state 'This video will show you...' and then at bullet point 3 for example you go on to say '2-3 size drop in dress sizes'. This just doesn't make sense and completely trips me up. I know what you are trying to say, but the fact that the English is incorrect puts me off

    In short, I guess it is just not compelling enough. Although this area is saturated, and you are using relatively tired copy, when done correctly it still works a treat.

    Good luck!

    PS...video only worked on 3rd attempt. As for 25lb in such a short amount of time....where are the stretch marks? :-)
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  • Profile picture of the author jeremyong
    thanks everyone for your feedback!
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  • Profile picture of the author JamesDLayton
    Reading from idiot boards tells me right away to worry. Why would she need to "remember" how she lost weight. Also as someone who dropped 80lbs I can tell you that girls never been a pound overweight. No stretch marks and her body language is all wrong. She's never felt bad about how she looks.

    James
    Signature
    "We are what we think about
    all day long." - Earl Nightingale
    One of the easiest transformations I ever undertook as a copywriter was reading that quote every day.
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    • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
      Originally Posted by JamesDLayton View Post

      Reading from idiot boards tells me right away to worry. Why would she need to "remember" how she lost weight. Also as someone who dropped 80lbs I can tell you that girls never been a pound overweight. No stretch marks and her body language is all wrong. She's never felt bad about how she looks.

      James
      My "knower" tells me the same thing.

      This is an actress who has probably never been overweight in her life and might have even led the High-School chearleading team in a "look at kathy, the fatty fat fatty" chant every time the resident overweight nerd walked into the girl's locker room.

      SHE needs to go. Then, here are some other things you'll want to change...

      Ultimate Diet Plan - What Industry Professionals Don't Want You To Know

      ...Ugh, like that's SOOOOO 2001.

      Take your "2-3 size drop in dress sizes in a month" bullet...add a "WITHOUT ____(usual hassle here)___.. and you've got a much better headline.

      Sign up to watch the groundbreaking video & receive a free 5-day weight loss crash course to your inbox - FOR FREE!

      Essential rule of copywriting: "it's not what you say that matters, it's what you get your reader to imagine." That said, don't use the word "groundbreaking," when talking to an overweight person. I'm sure you can imagine what emotions and hurtful memories that might bring up (kid's joking about the "earthquakes" when they walk, etc).

      Also, don't use the word "crash," in conjunction with your product or anything about it. Crash dieting has a severely negative neuro-association with it. I realize you're talking about the report and not the diet, but the subconscious mind doesn't know that. It just associates one thing with another and creates an emotional response. This means, many reader's WON'T want to see the video, even if they can't consciously articulate the reason why.

      (Check out Gestalt psychology, and "association principle" for more on that)

      The full video will show you
      How to obtain your dream body
      100% Natural Weight Loss Methods
      2-3 size drop in dress sizes in a month
      Step-by-step guide to permanent weight loss


      "obtain your dream body," paints no picture in the prospect's mind and sounds like a stuffy college professor who drives a 1989 Mercury tracer to work, wears tweed jackets with black elbow patches and bores his students to sleep in the lecture hall. You need a description of their dream body (tight abs, firm arms and shoulders etc...) which creates a REAL image in their mind.

      We hate spam just as much as you

      Change this to "Your privacy is 100% guaranteed. Your information will never be shared.

      Again, it's not what you say, it's the emotional response you create. The word "spam" just makes people think "spam..." so unless they're in Hawaii and really hungry (and unless you include the word "pineapples," in there somewhere), using the word spam isn't going to help conversions.

      MOST IMPORTANT, you need SOMETHING unique about your offer and it needs to be specifically stated enough to where they can say: "Hey, that sounds like something I can't read on a blog for free..." (BTW, saying "this is NOT something you'll read on a free blog", doesn't count.

      People are more easily persuaded by conclusions which you help them arrive at ON THEIR OWN). Right now, you have nothing unique or interesting. No hook. It's like throwing a piece of bait out on a string and hoping the fish gets himself tangled up in your line while going after it.
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      • Profile picture of the author jeremyong
        Originally Posted by sethczerepak View Post

        My "knower" tells me the same thing.

        This is an actress who has probably never been overweight in her life and might have even led the High-School chearleading team in a "look at kathy, the fatty fat fatty" chant every time the resident overweight nerd walked into the girl's locker room.

        SHE needs to go. Then, here are some other things you'll want to change...

        Ultimate Diet Plan - What Industry Professionals Don't Want You To Know

        ...Ugh, like that's SOOOOO 2001.

        Take your "2-3 size drop in dress sizes in a month" bullet...add a "WITHOUT ____(usual hassle here)___.. and you've got a much better headline.

        Sign up to watch the groundbreaking video & receive a free 5-day weight loss crash course to your inbox - FOR FREE!

        Essential rule of copywriting: "it's not what you say that matters, it's what you get your reader to imagine." That said, don't use the word "groundbreaking," when talking to an overweight person. I'm sure you can imagine what emotions and hurtful memories that might bring up (kid's joking about the "earthquakes" when they walk, etc).

        Also, don't use the word "crash," in conjunction with your product or anything about it. Crash dieting has a severely negative neuro-association with it. I realize you're talking about the report and not the diet, but the subconscious mind doesn't know that. It just associates one thing with another and creates an emotional response. This means, many reader's WON'T want to see the video, even if they can't consciously articulate the reason why.

        (Check out Gestalt psychology, and "association principle" for more on that)

        The full video will show you
        How to obtain your dream body
        100% Natural Weight Loss Methods
        2-3 size drop in dress sizes in a month
        Step-by-step guide to permanent weight loss


        "obtain your dream body," paints no picture in the prospect's mind and sounds like a stuffy college professor who drives a 1989 Mercury tracer to work, wears tweed jackets with black elbow patches and bores his students to sleep in the lecture hall. You need a description of their dream body (tight abs, firm arms and shoulders etc...) which creates a REAL image in their mind.

        We hate spam just as much as you

        Change this to "Your privacy is 100% guaranteed. Your information will never be shared.

        Again, it's not what you say, it's the emotional response you create. The word "spam" just makes people think "spam..." so unless they're in Hawaii and really hungry (and unless you include the word "pineapples," in there somewhere), using the word spam isn't going to help conversions.

        MOST IMPORTANT, you need SOMETHING unique about your offer and it needs to be specifically stated enough to where they can say: "Hey, that sounds like something I can't read on a blog for free..." (BTW, saying "this is NOT something you'll read on a free blog", doesn't count.

        People are more easily persuaded by conclusions which you help them arrive at ON THEIR OWN). Right now, you have nothing unique or interesting. No hook. It's like throwing a piece of bait out on a string and hoping the fish gets himself tangled up in your line while going after it.
        This is very insightful feedback. Will be implementing those changes ASAP!
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      • Profile picture of the author jeremyong
        I've made the suggested changed & i'm currently running an A/B Test on two different videos.

        Thanks again for your feedback. I'd love to hear more from you.
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        • Profile picture of the author Enfusia
          Hi,

          Well, that background wrinkled paper is IMHO not good at all, It's distracting.

          Your headline is flat as a pancake. I wouldn't get past the headline if it were me.

          I agree, that girl has likely never been ridiculed for being a hog.

          Your bullet points don't tell me what's in it for me with enough power to make me want it.

          Here's the deal. The copy is not creating enough desire. There is no big promise (needs to be a real promise). There is nothing in the headline that would make me go "whoa, what is this?".

          I also think your colors are to soft for your bullets, they don't pop.

          Thanks, Patrick
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          • Profile picture of the author jeremyong
            Hey!

            Thanks for the feedback. I've made some changes and I hope it looks better now.
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            • Profile picture of the author Tim R
              Originally Posted by jeremyong View Post

              Hey!

              Thanks for the feedback. I've made some changes and I hope it looks better now.
              Looks like you paid someone on Fiverr to read a (badly written) script that you wrote. The video is horrendous.

              The headline reads awkwardly so you need to fix that.

              You've received some great feedback so far but your new page still contains all the same mistakes. Actually take the time to try and wrap your head around what people are telling you.

              The whole thing is generic and forgettable. This is the big hurdle you need to overcome.
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  • Profile picture of the author JamesDLayton
    You're getting into the weight loss niche for money. I get it. It can be a money maker. But here's the thing.

    For people who struggle with food addiction. It's like handing a bullshit ebook to a meth head and saying "Oh this will cure you." Only to find out it didn't and he's now dead under a bridge. You're killing people.

    There I said it.

    You're thrashing around in the dark trying to hit a pinata. You have 2 choices. Do a SHIT TON of research or live through the pain.

    There's no shortcut.

    Even living through it like I did isn't a shortcut. But I know one thing. Anyone who suffers food addiction and reads what you have to offer, will dismiss it before you've sold it.

    I'm not a master copywriter like these guys, and I know THEY can tap into the surface of what fat people need. But you're clutching at straws.

    Do some research.
    Or
    Partner with someone who has lost weight and knows what to say.

    (not me)

    James
    Signature
    "We are what we think about
    all day long." - Earl Nightingale
    One of the easiest transformations I ever undertook as a copywriter was reading that quote every day.
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    • Profile picture of the author jeremyong
      Originally Posted by JamesDLayton View Post

      You're getting into the weight loss niche for money. I get it. It can be a money maker. But here's the thing.

      For people who struggle with food addiction. It's like handing a bullshit ebook to a meth head and saying "Oh this will cure you." Only to find out it didn't and he's now dead under a bridge. You're killing people.

      There I said it.

      You're thrashing around in the dark trying to hit a pinata. You have 2 choices. Do a SHIT TON of research or live through the pain.

      There's no shortcut.

      Even living through it like I did isn't a shortcut. But I know one thing. Anyone who suffers food addiction and reads what you have to offer, will dismiss it before you've sold it.

      I'm not a master copywriter like these guys, and I know THEY can tap into the surface of what fat people need. But you're clutching at straws.

      Do some research.
      Or
      Partner with someone who has lost weight and knows what to say.

      (not me)

      James
      James, thank you for the really honest feedback. Exactly what I need to get ahead. Do you by any chance have any resources to help find JV opportunities?

      Originally Posted by Tim R View Post

      Looks like you paid someone on Fiverr to read a (badly written) script that you wrote. The video is horrendous.

      The headline reads awkwardly so you need to fix that.

      You've received some great feedback so far but your new page still contains all the same mistakes. Actually take the time to try and wrap your head around what people are telling you.

      The whole thing is generic and forgettable. This is the big hurdle you need to overcome.
      Hey Tim, thanks for taking some time out to comment on my squeeze page. I have thought about the feedback, but as someone who has no copywriting experience whatsoever I'm doing it on a trial and error basis. If you have more insights please do share with me! thanks again.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    Is this your program? Or are you an affiliate?

    Either way...

    Get rid of the video. As Tim said, it's obviously a cheap Fivver video. You just shot any credibility you COULD create in the foot.

    If you're an affiliate, what's the product?

    If this is your product, what's the REAL story behind it? What makes it different?

    You're targeting women. Okay, great. As Steve mentioned above, is there a specific mechanism or angle you're going after? Leptin? A unique, easy way to trigger muscle activation? Health related?

    Without knowing what the product is, why you wrote it... or why you're an affiliate for it (other than just trying to make money,) I don't think anyone here can help.

    Mark
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    • Profile picture of the author jeremyong
      Originally Posted by Mark Pescetti View Post

      Is this your program? Or are you an affiliate?

      Either way...

      Get rid of the video. As Tim said, it's obviously a cheap Fivver video. You just shot any credibility you COULD create in the foot.

      If you're an affiliate, what's the product?

      If this is your product, what's the REAL story behind it? What makes it different?

      You're targeting women. Okay, great. As Steve mentioned above, is there a specific mechanism or angle you're going after? Leptin? A unique, easy way to trigger muscle activation? Health related?

      Without knowing what the product is, why you wrote it... or why you're an affiliate for it (other than just trying to make money,) I don't think anyone here can help.

      Mark
      Hey Mark, thanks for your feedback. I am currently selling an affiliate product called "The 3 Week Diet". I went through the sample copy and it's all really good stuff! All the content promotes healthy weight loss, which is the way I believe it should be. Crash diets that yield no permanent results leave a bad taste in my mouth.
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      • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
        Originally Posted by jeremyong View Post

        Hey Mark, thanks for your feedback. I am currently selling an affiliate product called "The 3 Week Diet". I went through the sample copy and it's all really good stuff! All the content promotes healthy weight loss, which is the way I believe it should be. Crash diets that yield no permanent results leave a bad taste in my mouth.
        I know and have written copy for Brian.

        Before I say anything else...

        Do you feel like you captured the hook 3 Week Diet uses in your squeeze page?

        Is there the same level of curiosity in your copy?

        Mark
        Signature

        Do you want a 9 figure copywriter and biz owner to Write With You? I'll work with you, on zoom, to help write your copy or client copy... while you learn from one of the few copywriters to legit hit 9 figures in gross sales! Discover More

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  • Profile picture of the author JamesDLayton
    I don't have much of a clue when it comes to JV. Google will pull a few thing up no doubt. Problem is anyone on a JV site who knows this niche will already have it figured out.

    There's no room for you in the equation.

    Find someone local. Put an ad in the paper, Craigslist, Gumtree.

    Find someone who DIDN'T use a known diet or fitness regime (I didn't I created my own) and get their story.

    Warts n all.

    Write it.

    Create a "product". (Mine is an ebook and workshops/seminars soon)

    Then follow the "truth" of that until it creates wealth.

    If the person you choose to JV with has a compelling enough story. And YOU market and package it the right way. It's hard to fail.

    Since it's unique.

    Critical.

    Urgent and most of all......... true.

    James
    Signature
    "We are what we think about
    all day long." - Earl Nightingale
    One of the easiest transformations I ever undertook as a copywriter was reading that quote every day.
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  • Profile picture of the author DougHughes
    Slowly...patiently...testing...improving.

    Try different things. Dramatic changes produce dramatic results.

    These pages are quick and easy to produce. Just crank out some variations and test.

    Hmmm...seems like I've seen her before. Oh wait - She did a weight loss testimonial for us once
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    I write copy. Learn More.>>

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  • Profile picture of the author MatthewRHallEsq
    The video didn't even load when I tried to visit the page. But after a few reloads, I got one (featuring a girl with dark hair) to show up. I think one of your A/B test videos isn't working.

    I don't have much to add that hasn't been explained above. However, regarding the design of your page, it looks like a module ripped from a different page – like I clicked a link accidentally and am seeing a portion of a bigger site. My first thought was, "Wait, is this what I'm supposed to be looking at?" I would have dropped off right then if I weren't reviewing your page.

    I know you're deliberately keeping it focused, but I'd recommend trying a different landing page template. Maybe find one that conveys more of a landing page instead of just a section of a page.
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