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Website Copy Critique/Trouble with getting messages across

by ahakimi
2 replies
Hey all,

I think my issue a lot of times is getting a specific message across in the most effective and efficient way possible, or painting a picture in the best way possible. Selling a vision, idea.

Despite not being a copywriter like many of you are, I feel like I can tell when something just doesn't feel right.

I'm looking for suggestions and opinions on my website, not necessarily things like design/appearance which can be more easily changed, but more such as actual copy, placement, etc. I'm open to all criticism/suggestions however.

I want people to be able to see it and know immediately EXACTLY what it's all about, and be "on board" with it. I want it to be concrete and very clear what the "mission" statement so to speak, is.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not the best at communicating/getting across my visions and ideas. Primarily "selling" people on them, which is important.

Here is my site

Feedback?

Thanks all
Ahmad
#copy #critique #critique or trouble #messages #trouble #website
  • Profile picture of the author jjosephs
    My $0.03:

    "Conquer your mind, empower your body"

    Sounds like a $6 protein bar. I know the goal is to sound epic and godlike, but have you ever heard someone say either of those things? The mind is not a goal. A body doesn't get empowered. A person gets empowered. A goal gets conquered.

    "Intelligent Muscle"

    Is your name set in stone? "Intelligent muscle" is vague, overlong and paints a cartoonish image for me of a bicep with glasses.

    Even if you're targeting bookish bodybuilders, wouldn't you be better off with something snappier like BulkSmarter, Bulkology, etc?

    Neither your name or tagline give me a clear picture of your VALUES and TARGET MARKET. So your big fat banner is taking up lots of space without saying much at all.

    Established companies can slap a ripped 20 something model on a lightning storm background with a 3 word tagline calling it "generating awareness" or whatever BS... but you haven't got the awareness. So decide who you're talking to first, and what values your fitness advice represents. Your physique and Incredible Hulk themed website won't do the selling for you.

    As for the rest, paging Shawn Lebrun, ding ding ding
    Signature
    Marketing for ACTION & REACTION.
    Roll Out "The Cannon"
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  • Profile picture of the author KreativCopy
    The first thing that came up when I clicked on your site was 'Look in the mirror - that's your competition'. I liked that....and oh how true it is...and quite relevant to some of the 'guidance' you will get here no doubt

    I haven't read the content but some of the headlines I would click on, they were quite compelling...and I like the name 'intelligent muscle' and all the positive thinking posts. I know a professional body builder and he will be the first to admit that it is his mind not his body that is his most powerful tool. He is hungry for all this positive and empowering thinking stuff...which I think is great!

    However, I suppose what I don't get...is what are you selling? Where is your call to action? What do you want visitors to your site to do? If it is just to sign up to your newsletter, then I think its fine.

    No doubt others will be along to rip your efforts to shreds, but that aint gonna be me, 'cos I like it
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