Please critique my copy for a band's page.

Hi,
If you want ideas on copy for the music scene try Googling Alligator Records and read some of their reviews.
Regards, JB

Story, story and story. Tattoo that on your wrist.

Steer clear of laying out her resume, and being too linear. If you do, your copy will resemble the brain-damaged twin brother of corporate speak.

Also, talk to the reader as one person. What's it like to see xxx play live? Give them a 4 dimensional experience.

Doesn't grab my curiosity. And sounds to me like another failed musician who gave up the dream and settled for playing open mics every other Tuesday at Jim's.

Try starting with a curiosity element. A great quote from her. A vivid picture. This isn't an argument as in sales copy, so you don't have to put everything in order. In fact, the sooner you can tell the reader "this ain't your grandaddy's musician bio" the better.

"With a coyote howl, she plunges heart-first into the chorus... A desperate tirade to a lover she barely remembers anymore, as she punishes her cigarette butt stained acoustic to appease the drunken mob... the kind of folks you would walk on the other side of the street to avoid"

Was this meeting fated to happen, and why? What makes the two of them bond? Where's the romance here?

This is a good thing to communicate. But show, don't tell. It's the difference between "we're rebellious" vs. "We see our band as a 5-piece middle finger to the industry pinheads who thought Elvis, Tracy Chapman and Lynyrd Skynyrd couldn't play in the same sandbox."

My favorite part. I start to feel the pulse. But you're mixing hot and cold descriptions. Powerful, but also intricate and smooth? Huh? Powerful guitar styles go great with SOARING backup vocals.

"Laced with raw emotion" is a great line. I would make it raw "gut-wrenching" emotion.

Also, SHOW, don't just tell. Shit gets real? How does it get real? Don't leave me hanging here.

This is a rock band, so "renegade" is great, "evolving" is too new-age, "original" is beaten to death.

I wrote a reply but didn't like it.

(Cheers Steve that's not very helpful is it?)

But don't worry - I hope Miss Colee will put everything on the right track.


Steve

Do you want blunt or hand-holding?

I'll try to soften the blow a bit. And my background is as a rock/blues singer AND a copywriter, just as a heads up.

It's the rock equivalent of corporate speak.

Think about exciting rock performances.

They're explosions and color-coordinated lights that are timed perfectly. They're the excitement of your favorite song or that drum/bass line that just resonates with your whole body in a way that makes listening to the music online a bit of a let down when compared to the live performance.

They're the reasons that people will buy concert DVDs - to relive or live that experience vicariously.

It's excitement and passion.

Your About section? It's not.

So you need to rethink this. History is just proof of experience, as is the quality of the music/showmanship itself. If they're good, you're not going to see that in their history unless it includes some serious pedigrees. I've been honored to play with a few pedigreed guys in my experience. That is exciting, but so is their sheer talent.

What KIND of music do they play?

Real, not digitally manipulated is a good hook. So touch (don't hammer) on real, raw sound instead of autotuned bullshit.

Agreed with jjosephs that almost all good rock bands consider themselves rebels and/or renegades. What are they doing that's really different? What's their story? How did they decide they just HAD to be in a band together and change people's lives with music? What's been said about their performances? What do they do that's special?

I once fell in love with a band in Houston that had a killer song called, "I Got Dumped Twice (By the Same ******* Girl)". That's a pretty intriguing song title, man. And the song was even better. They got something like that? They have rabid fans?

It may sound rambly, but there's a point to all the off-the-cuff stuff.

There's SO MUCH MORE you could be tapping into than influences and history.

Snoozefest.

Influences and history's what you talk about in your Craigslist ad trying to find the last member of your band.

It's not what you tell the world.

Dude you're just boring the crap out of your reader. As Ms Colee says Go drop some acid or something...listen to the band...then re-write it. Everything you've written here is a puke-fest. And what "profanity"? The word "shit"? You cannot be serious. Know how many times the "f" word is used in "The Big Lebowski"? One every 2.32 seconds. Or if you really want to go hard-core there are 429 swear words in "Pulp Fiction". And you're worried about one "shit"?

Ever hear Copywriter/Marketer Frank Kern in full-flight at a seminar? His words would strip paint.

## BE WARNED. SWEARFEST FOLLOWS##

"F*** this!!" I yelled at the crowd as they jumped and swayed to the music one night at Coastal Rocks in Port Arthur.

I threw down my guitar and stomped off stage. "I quit!"

I'd had it. I was done with the rock star life. Sure, it was fun when I played with Mogosun, Prison Reform and Black Nights back in the 90s -- at least, what I can remember.

We played a joint once in Port Elizabeth when the cops came in and started busting people on the head. We just played louder!

One night at Beaufort West, the stage caught fire and all I could think of was my guitars -- my babies, my bloody f****** livelihood -- going up in smoke.

It wasn't the lifestyle I was so tired of. I wanted to do my own thing -- more acoustic, organic and natural.

So I quit the band, got a new place on the water at Mossel Bay and started on a new venture. A new approach. A new sound.

I found what I really liked was writing and performing my own songs. Every Tuesday they had an open stage at Jailbreak Jenny's. A lot of the locals, and some leftovers from Cape Town, would go up and sing a few songs. One night near closing this guy walks in. Braided hair halfway down his back. Green beret. And a discount store full of wooden necklaces cascading down his shirt.

"F*** if that guy isn't Bob Bigstar," I thought. And when he started singing, I knew I was right. Later that night, a friend.....

You can write anything you want... my experience is if the songs have hooks they speak for themselves. I went to school for music and music production and you can put lipstick on a pig in writing, but if the music doesn't resonate what's the point.

I don't write or care about press releases anymore because it's glorified banter. Give me the track let me listen and thats all I need. Make it count in the first 10 seconds, cause that and the chorus is all I listen to. Find the right people to give your demos to, hype it verbally and pray.