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Critique - Put all your brain on my copy for a while

by MilesSharma
10 replies
[link removed]
#brain #copy #critique #put
  • Profile picture of the author Raydal
    Why an image file instead of the HTML? It would be easier
    to read. When you are asking for help you want to make
    it as easy as possible for the person to help you.

    I read through the copy but it reads like from an ESL writer.
    There are lot of missing articles and awkward expressions.
    I know you said you were not interested in the grammar level
    critique but it just makes it hard to read your copy, so maybe
    you should get it edited first then ask for help later.

    -Ray Edwards
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    • Profile picture of the author MilesSharma
      Originally Posted by Raydal View Post

      Why an image file instead of the HTML? It would be easier
      to read. When you are asking for help you want to make
      it as easy as possible for the person to help you.

      I read through the copy but it reads like from an ESL writer.
      There are lot of missing articles and awkward expressions.
      I know you said you were not interested in the grammar level
      critique but it just makes it hard to read your copy, so maybe
      you should get it edited first then ask for help later.

      -Ray Edwards

      Its just, I work with PS so thought to improve the copy before I do PSD to html conversion.
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      STOP! STOP! STOP! Just Stop Wandering And Tell Me What Do You Want? Decide Now!!

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    • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
      Originally Posted by Raydal View Post

      Why an image file instead of the HTML? It would be easier
      to read. When you are asking for help you want to make
      it as easy as possible for the person to help you.

      I read through the copy but it reads like from an ESL writer.
      There are lot of missing articles and awkward expressions.
      I know you said you were not interested in the grammar level
      critique but it just makes it hard to read your copy, so maybe
      you should get it edited first then ask for help later.

      -Ray Edwards
      Second Ray. VERY obviously non-native English.
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      • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
        Banned
        Originally Posted by angiecolee View Post

        Second Ray. VERY obviously non-native English.
        "A sales copy". Advocating tactics that Google has in its crosshairs.
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  • Profile picture of the author JohnnyPlan
    I'm just assuming you are working on yoru sample copy on the Wordpress blog just to have a sandbox to try out new ideas. Please don't actually publish your sales page on that (especially not with that comment box below, very unprofessional). Also, I just skimmed. I know you are looking for feedback on the content, but without headlines, change in font, graphics, my brain didn't want to engage. At this point, it's just like a text file, hard to concentrate on.
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  • Profile picture of the author laurencewins
    Boring, poorly written, my proofreading eye screams loudly, you really need to put more work into learning instead of stumbling around in the dark and expecting everybody to "fix" it for you.
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    Cheers, Laurence.
    Writer/Editor/Proofreader.

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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Originally Posted by MilesSharma View Post


    UPDATE:

    Just did proofreading and converted it to a webpage with no graphics.

    I hope now its easy to read.

    Copy | RANK REVIEW DEMO

    Thanks
    It was WAY better reading it as a finished page. Don't listen to these guys. Throw the other one back up. And just so you know...for some reason you Asians say "a sales copy" and "sales copies". Copy is copy - whether its one page or a thousand. So its "sales copy" or "copy". NEVER "a copy"..."copies"..."sales copies".

    Throw that page back up and we'll give you some ideas. At the moment it's pretty awful.
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  • Profile picture of the author maximus242
    1. More proof
    2. Clearer explanation of how it makes money
    3. More concise and to the point
    4. Elaborate on your story better
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  • Profile picture of the author d3communications
    Get rid of the banner at top (the headline isn't bad at all)

    You could use a subheadline above the headline to help improve interest/attraction

    Are the quotes real? Because they don't look real. No attribution for one thing.

    ...and, sad to say but, you need to hire a copy writer. Too much to fix on your own.

    Either that, or get rid of that sales page, turn it into a simple squeeze page...give away a free license or some other bribe to build your list. Then work on creating a relationship of trust with the people in that list.

    Your sales page as it is won't create enough credibility or trust with the reader to do anything other than waste your money in driving traffic to it.
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    • Profile picture of the author MilesSharma
      Originally Posted by maximus242 View Post

      1. More proof
      2. Clearer explanation of how it makes money
      3. More concise and to the point
      4. Elaborate on your story better
      I'll pass these suggestions to the copywriter I hired.
      Originally Posted by d3communications View Post

      Get rid of the banner at top (the headline isn't bad at all)

      You could use a subheadline above the headline to help improve interest/attraction

      Are the quotes real? Because they don't look real. No attribution for one thing.

      ...and, sad to say but, you need to hire a copy writer. Too much to fix on your own.

      Either that, or get rid of that sales page, turn it into a simple squeeze page...give away a free license or some other bribe to build your list. Then work on creating a relationship of trust with the people in that list.

      Your sales page as it is won't create enough credibility or trust with the reader to do anything other than waste your money in driving traffic to it.
      Thanks for the post, I hired one yesterday.
      I agree, It needs a lot of fixing, Posts above are enough to understand.
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