Critiques for Landing Page

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Hi everyone! I am a new face to this forum - currently heading the marketing department for a startup in the vending industry. I have previous experience with marketing however I have a education background in entrepreneurship. I am working to get my company to use landing pages more & here is our first attempt at a landing page. I would love some constructive feedback on the layout and content

http://info.parlevelsystems.com/take_control/

Let me know your thoughts!!
#email marketing #critiques #landing #page
  • Hi, I did a quick critique for you in the following privately listed video:

    2015-05-15 08h03_07 - YouTube
    • [1] reply
    • Thank you so much for the critiques! Those were some wonderful points that you made - I am fixing to send out another blast with those changes to test the results!! I'm very excited to be apart of this community!!
  • Here's a few things I noticed:

    - Your intro text is too wordy. It doesn't flow and it's borderline pretentious.

    - Focus on the benefits. There's too much focus on features.

    - Make the reader feel like the product solves their problem and improves their life. Right now it sounds like they have to put in too much effort. Why would they want to find out more about a product that makes them work?

    - You have three links at the bottom leading to incomplete pages.
    • [1] reply
    • Thank you for the input! I am very excited to adjust the landing page and see the results!
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    Critiques for Landing Page

    Hi everyone! I am a new face to this forum - currently heading the marketing department for a startup in the vending industry. I have previous experience with marketing however I have a education background in entrepreneurship. I am working to get my company to use landing pages more & here is our first attempt at a landing page. I would love some constructive feedback on the layout and content http://info.parlevelsystems.com/take_control/