Destroy my Landing Page!!!

16 replies
Hey Guys, I have just finished putting up my sales letter for my online "College Planning" system. I have been doing it offline for years now, but saw a need to launch it online. Please critique my sales letter. Let me know what needs improving. The sales page is here:The College Blueprint Thanks
#destroy #landing #page
  • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
    Only got a minute but two things...

    One. This paragraph needs to be broken down into smaller paragraphs. It's way too intimidating.

    Than one day I had a friend ask me why his buddies son had received financial aid and his son hadn't. I asked a few questions and told him I would look into it. (I had just been in a pretty bad ATV accident, and was laid up with a Broken Hip, Tib/Fib, Collar Bone and Wrist so I had a bunch of time on my hands)...I had remembered hearing at a conference about a Nationally known College Planner who's goal in life was to help parents plan and pay for college. It really struck a cord with me so I began to study underneath him (this cost me TENS of THOUSANDS of dollars and HUNDREDS of hours of my time) and found with proper career planning, major selection, college choice along with some good ol tax and financial planning, you can really position you and your student to tap into the over $80 BILLION dollars worth of FREE FEDERAL FINANCIAL AID!!

    Two. At the start you could play up the college financial aid officers as "rule-touting" "policy-quoting" "by-the-book monsters"... but you're gonna show your reader how to easily put a sock in their rules 'n' regulations and force them to hand you all the financial aid you need... and maybe more!

    Setting up an enemy might add some useful sale-forwarding drama to your letter.

    Good luck.
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  • Profile picture of the author TyBrown
    There were a couple spelling and grammatical errors; stuff like simester, buddies (buddy's), Deserve (should be lower case), etc.
    There were a few other errors and missing commas. You may want to get someone to edit it.
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  • Profile picture of the author waken
    When people asking for review on their sales page, it's more than often that there are indeed a lot of rooms for improvement.. but yours...

    It could be the best candidates but nothing can be more accurate than some testing and analysis. Add Google Analytics to the page or any other tracking script etc. to see the conversion.

    1) There's some grammar mistake though but I'm not a qualified proof reader to comment further. Here's one that I found ..

    "If you've ever wondered why the Financial Aid process is so diffucult"

    2) The pricing of your product might not be very clear. I mistaken the whole thing to be the Free DVD with just the shipping fee at first glance. Try to reword it and make the main product outstand a little. Maybe you can put the ecover of the main ebook at the top instead of together with the bonus items.

    Good Luck..
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  • Profile picture of the author BigRedNotebook
    One other thing... Only 27 DVDs left?

    Based on a quick look at the page's source code, that's hard-coded into the text. So, either you're manually updating that number and re-uploading the page regularly or you're playing a little fast and loose with the truth.

    If you're playing it straight, you might want to consider a script. It would save you from updating the page every time someone takes advantage of your offer.

    If that number is a bit of "poetic license", you might want to look at how people have been reacting to that trick:

    Okay... That aside... I'd echo the above sentiments. I'd also note that most important thing on the page, your headline, has a major issue.

    "Here is the #1 Secret to Obtaining Thousands of Free Financial Aid, Regardless of your Income!"

    Thousands of Free Financial Aid?


    Maybe Thousands of Dollars in Financial Aid


    Thousands in Financial Aid

    Not a huge thing, but the headline "feels wrong" as is. We all know we're talking about $$$, but people generally talk about how much they receive IN aid, not OF.

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  • Profile picture of the author Doublejm
    Thanks alot. I'm going to the editing room now. I appreciate it. I was planning on updating the # of dvd's left manually.
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    • Profile picture of the author Floyd Fisher
      Originally Posted by Doublejm View Post

      Thanks alot. I'm going to the editing room now. I appreciate it. I was planning on updating the # of dvd's left manually.
      There is a script sold by John Delavera called 'special offer manager' that does that automatically for you. I'm using it, and it's great.
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        • Profile picture of the author Doublejm
          Thanks for killing it...Keep 'em coming. I have never gotten around to upgrading my shopping cart. I have paypal redirect to my upsells. I am doing mostly offline marketing ie:postcards and newspaper to drive traffic because I can target it. So most people don't know the difference.

          Heading to the copywriting forum now!!

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  • Profile picture of the author Chris Keith
    Just out of curiosity, whats your model?

    Are you charging the low initial fee + giving away the DVD in order to offer upsells or a continuity of some sort?

    Overall the design of the site is clean, and the header is relevant and engaging. Videos are always nice at the beginning. The one huge thing you may be able to add in is a robust testimonials section... even if you just pay a few college kids to do some video testimonials, that would be huge. You could give them a script to use that's based on the success that some of your customers have already had.

    Better yet, get testimonials from some actual customers. Social proof is so essential... then they are not just buying from you, but from a "cloud" of people that believe in something.
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  • Profile picture of the author Doublejm
    It's roughly based on Russell's Microcontinuity Model. Give away a free dvd and they get weekly video trainings. I also have a few upsells, where they get access to some awesome software that helps the students discover which career path they should take based on their likes and dislikes, lets them do research on different careers to see what the future outlook and pay looks like. Than pick majors based on that career and schools based on that major.
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  • Profile picture of the author Chris Thompson
    The site is really good looking. Beautiful header. Nice use of video. Definitely get a spelling and grammar whiz to go over it.

    What theme are you using in wordpress? Beautifully done.
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  • Profile picture of the author Chris Thompson
    I don't think you need to put the blog in its own folder, it's just one option. I like the static page. Well done.
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  • Profile picture of the author Amy Carczak
    I'm not really an expert but it always seems to me that when someone is portraying themselves as an "expert" and when the amount of money being discussed is in the thousands ...shouldn't that expert at least use a real shopping cart?

    Using a PayPal checkout always looks so amateurish to me, where's the up sell offer?

    If you're really in business, make it look like you're in business, not just a part timer.


    PS. Hope I wasn't too rude .. but you did ask for us to "destroy" it.

    PPS. I'll show you what I did if you would like to PM me .. I think you'll see an obvious upgrade in what you're doing as it's similar to mine.
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    • Profile picture of the author Matthew Iannotti
      Your P.S's are very weak.......

      Regardless of what others say about the amount you have left..Sneaky or not...... I'm all for it and like that idea.....
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