Site Review Please

harrysidhu

15 years ago

pretty well done i don't see major flaws.

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vstar650 15 years ago

I'm convinced, when's my first in Flight lesson

Seriously though... Looks great!
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lotsofsnow

15 years ago

Looks fine to mee

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mr2monster

15 years ago

I don't like this verbiage... it's kind of misleading.

If for whatever reason you wish to stop your S&R package you can cancel at anytime. If you cancel after the initial 30 day trial period you'll be charged $37/month.

Seems to me it should say something along the lines of:
If, however, you see the value in your S&R package, and truly desire to be a navy pilot, simply do nothing and you will be billed only $37 monthly. Remember, you can cancel at any time.

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Kevin AKA Hubcap

15 years ago

Originally Posted by mr2monster

Seems to me it should say something along the lines of:
If, however, you see the value in your S&R package, and truly desire to be a navy pilot, simply do nothing and you will be billed only $37 monthly. Remember, you can cancel at any time.

I like that statement better also. What I was trying to convey is that it's free for thirty days. After that you'll be charged $37/month and you can cancel at anytime.

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tamilseo

15 years ago

what about making those red texts to bold?

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Bart Loos

15 years ago

Originally Posted by Kevin AKA Hubcap

Please review these two pages. The first is the page the customer goes to after the opt in.

The second is the upsell.

I'm really interested in making sure the offer is clearly stated and simply understood.

Thanks

Kevin

Hey Kevin,

A few things here on the first site.

The headline doesn't pull me in, it sends me off .. here's the answer and wait .. .. euh I want the answer I don't wanna wait, if you know what I mean. The headline has to be fluent. Now it breaks up.

Next why should I believe you? What I'm missing here is YOUR story.. how do you know? Have you been a navy pilot? There's no authority at all coming from the pages.

Hope that helps

Have fun

Bart

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rosetrees

15 years ago

If for whatever reason you wish to stop your S&R package you can cancel at anytime. If you cancel after the initial 30 day trial period you'll be charged $37/month

I would also question the above. I suspect you've worded it ambiguously. What it actually says is that, in effect, you CAN'T cancel after 30 days and will find yourself paying a continuing membership fee for an unstated length of time to a site you don't want to belong to.

I don't think that's what you mean. I suspect you mean something along the lines of - if you cancel after 30 days you will be charged one further month's membership. Better still - use what Mr2monster said - and don't charge an extra month's payment if it hasn't already been taken.

Oh - and I agree with Bart Loos. Who are you? How do I know you can help me become a Navy pilot? What's your experience?

You also say you are interested in making sure the offer is clearly understood. That's the bit I think is actually not clear. Towards the end you say something like "don't forget" the offer also includes the paid bit. Don't forget? Did you mention it before?

I think you should start by telling people that you are offering this great magazine and monthly CDs. The first month is free and includes this GREAT bonus - all the freebies. Tell them much more about what's in the mag and monthly CDs. Presell that - otherwise no-one will want it. You will just get a load of freeby seekers joining and cancelling immediately.

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Kevin AKA Hubcap

15 years ago

Originally Posted by rosetrees

I would also question the above. I suspect you've worded it ambiguously. What it actually says is that, in effect, you CAN'T cancel after 30 days and will find yourself paying a continuing membership fee for an unstated length of time to a site you don't want to belong to.

You are right is was worded ambiguously. Simply put it's free for 30 days after which you're charged $37 month. You can cancel at anytime.

Originally Posted by rosetrees

I don't think that's what you mean. I suspect you mean something along the lines of - if you cancel after 30 days you will be charged one further month's membership. Better still - use what Mr2monster said - and don't charge an extra month's payment if it hasn't already been taken.

Oh - and I agree with Bart Loos. Who are you? How do I know you can help me become a Navy pilot? What's your experience?

I'm a former Navy pilot and I'm going to work that into the copy but more importantly I've spoken to both current and former navy pilots, recruiters, and people who have sat in the selection boards.

Originally Posted by rosetrees

You also say you are interested in making sure the offer is clearly understood. That's the bit I think is actually not clear. Towards the end you say something like "don't forget" the offer also includes the paid bit. Don't forget? Did you mention it before?

I'm assuming you means towards the end of the "upsell" page. On the first page I discuss the Stick and Rudder package. I' don't go into in that much on the "upsell" page because I think it's already been discussed but I think you're telling me its not clear. I'll rework it.

Originally Posted by rosetrees

I think you should start by telling people that you are offering this great magazine and monthly CDs. The first month is free and includes this GREAT bonus - all the freebies. Tell them much more about what's in the mag and monthly CDs. Presell that - otherwise no-one will want it. You will just get a load of freeby seekers joining and cancelling immediately.

I think this is a wonderful piece of advice. But do you think I should do it before or after I tell them about the free CD. I should probably mention the Stick and Rudder package in the video also.

Thanks

Kevin

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Kevin AKA Hubcap

15 years ago

Originally Posted by Bart Loos

Hey Kevin,

A few things here on the first site.

The headline doesn't pull me in, it sends me off .. here's the answer and wait .. .. euh I want the answer I don't wanna wait, if you know what I mean. The headline has to be fluent. Now it breaks up.

Next why should I believe you? What I'm missing here is YOUR story.. how do you know? Have you been a navy pilot? There's no authority at all coming from the pages.

Hope that helps

Have fun

Bart

Hi Bart

Any suggestions for a new headline?

I am a former navy pilot and I'm in the process of working that into the copy. It's true my experience is helpful, but in my opinion it's more important that I've spoken with numerous current and former Navy pilots to get their prospective as well as recruiters and a few people that have sat on the selection boards.

I'm going to work that into the copy also.

Kevin

Thanks
1 reply

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Ross Bowring 15 years ago

Kevin, just wanted to agree with Bart about the importance of weaving in your own story into the copy. But also, to do it really early on so you put a stamp of authority on the entire letter.

Maybe you could work it into a sub-head, or even into the headline...

"Veteran Navy Pilot Reveals How To...

Something like that.

Hope this helps.
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jesi

Banned 15 years ago

[DELETED]

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JAIDEEP2959 15 years ago

It's fine but I think you must use white background color instead of grey.
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Floyd Fisher

15 years ago

Originally Posted by Kevin AKA Hubcap

Please review these two pages. The first is the page the customer goes to after the opt in.

The second is the upsell.

I'm really interested in making sure the offer is clearly stated and simply understood.

Thanks

Kevin

Some obvious typos, but that is about it.

Considering the clientele, I would take the time to proof read it (ossifers are a picky bunch about typos lol), fix those, and get it going asap.

Good luck.

Thanks
1 reply

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Kevin AKA Hubcap 15 years ago

Thanks for that Floyd.

I used Dreamweaver's spell checker but obviously some things slipped in.

Keivn
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- Killer Joe 15 years ago
  
  Hi Kevin,
  
  A lot of good advice in the responses so far...Coupla thoughts...
  
  I'm the son of a Navy Fighter pilot and my Dad has a million stories that can literally captivate an entire room. My guess is you should have that same ability. You definitely need to use that for your advantage. It's huge!
  
  As far as your website goes you are going to need a much better headline. And I would suggest you incorporate elements of your story into your headline. Make your visitor want to become like you.
  
  Additionally, you have too much 'white space' between and in some of the elements on your pages. It detracts from the overall appearance and adds unnecessary scrolling.
  
  This is just a personal opinion, but my first impression is that you intend to sell Public Domain (U.S. Government) information that I could probably get free just by going to the Navy site. Without a tie-in to your story as a former Tailhooker you could just be an opportunist for all I know.
  
  Obviously only young people are going to be your best prospects. (I'm WAY too old ) You need to put yourself in thier mindset, at thier educational level and speak to that. This is where at least a short bio will give you a lot of credibility. And you need that here first and foremost.
  
  Bottom line...although you have a good start, major design rework is needed for this project.
  
  Much success,
  
  KJ
  
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Site Review Please

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