There's nothing inherently wrong with this approach but I feel it leaves a lot of money on the table.
When you see a Billy Mays commercial you know a product is being offered to buy. You'll get the features, benefits, and a price.
Direct and to the point (which by the way is what I'm shooting for).
Mind you, I've gotten better, but I'm wondering if anybody else has experienced this and what you did to conquer it.