What is wrong with my sales letter!!!

18 years ago

Get Paid online I don't think that is specfic enough.

GPT Riches guide... lost me there. I don't know what that means.

HOW MUCH IS THIS GOING TO COST? Ouch.. I don't think I would use the word cost.

Shawn Tester signature.. too big and it should be a signature type font.

This GPT guide was developed with .... again.. if your niche knows what GPT is , that's fine. I have no clue if it is simply the title of your book or if it means something technical.

Just a few things from the top of my head.

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dvduval

18 years ago

It looks reasonable to me. My question would be about the visitors. It may be you are not getting the right audience.

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Scott Ames

18 years ago

Also: The testimonials are good:

"I bought a copy of your guide for my wife and she loves it. She worked a few hours on it and already made a few hundred dollars. Thanks"

Good one. It would be better if you had their photo, last name, and perhaps a non working link to their site. Audio testimonials will help too.

I would try testing a different color Johnson (testimonial) box. Yellow seems standard.

Thanks
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Francois du_Toit 18 years ago

Also: The testimonials are good:

I actually think the testimonials look very fake... no offense.

BTW, you talk about free bonus gifts for visiting your site but you do not
list any... I for one will not opt-in unless I know exactly what free bonus
gifts I am going to receive.

After reading your sales letter I have no idea what you selling.

Just my 2c

All the best,
Francois
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Loren Woirhaye

18 years ago

1) Lack of specificty

2) annoying coyness about what the product in NOT - makes
me think it's something insipid and a waste of money. If you
are going to play this sort of "it's not" game you should be studying
the MASTER - Joe Karbo.

3) you call it GPTriches and then explain that it is not a
get rich program

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Sami

18 years ago

Hi Shawn

I've done a bunch of rebiews this last 2 or 3 days. Sorry I have to run right now ... but I don't want to go without givcing you some pointers so take a look at the critiques here and you will learn a lot...

http://www.warriorforum.com/main-int...tml#post140110

http://www.warriorforum.com/main-int...tml#post135218

http://www.warriorforum.com/main-int...tml#post145592

There are more such critiques and you ought to study them carefully as lots of people offer very valid points.

Good luck
Sami

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jestershaw

18 years ago

Thanks for all of the feedback.

Shawn

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Shawn Tester
Site: www.zenzyn.com

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Alexa Smith

Banned 18 years ago

[DELETED]

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jestershaw

18 years ago

I understand. I think I need to explain what my product is...I was going for the suspense tactic but it obviously isn't working.

Originally Posted by alexa_s

Whereas I do agree with the above, especially Malibumentor's points, I'm not clear that "what is wrong with my sales letter?" is necessarily a question that arises just because 300-400 people per day are looking and not buying. It depends who the people are and where they're coming from, I'd say. If they're not people interested in that kind of thing, but were looking for a recipe for cherry cheesecake, you could have 3,000 to 4,000 per day without a sale. Stupid example, perhaps, but you see what I mean?

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Shawn Tester
Site: www.zenzyn.com

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MaskedMarketer 18 years ago

Just by quickly glancing at your page, it does not look believable.

Make it look more believable and you might get some sales provided you have a targeted audience...
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GrantFreeman 18 years ago

Originally Posted by jestershaw

I understand. I think I need to explain what my product is...I was going for the suspense tactic but it obviously isn't working.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. What's in it for your customer?
2. What do they care about the most?
3. Why do they care about those things the most?
4. What happens if they don't buy it and leave your page forever?
5 What happens if they do buy it?
6. Why would they buy from you in the future?
7. Why would they buy from YOU instead of a competitor?

Figure out the answers to these questions, and put it in the headline. Write about it in the language they understand. How?

Just like you and I were sitting across from one another, face to face. Don't yell or scream at me, or I'll walk away.

But you'd better get me interested & excited quick because I'm busy, and I've got one of your competitors on the phone, and I haven't eaten all day.

The rest of the copy is ok. The black testimonial tables should be a different color. I'd choose light blue or yellow.

Now, what are you going to say to me, in order for me to hang up the phone and pay attention to you?

Grant
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Matt D

18 years ago

I would agree about the believability factor. Add more clarity and specifics as to what the exact offer is.

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scotl47

18 years ago

Make it small report and make it free. Autorespond with snipits of real quality information and offer the full ball of wax at the end of the email for $7. A) Your building a list, and B) I tried this conversions were ended up better than any straight "sales" page I have had.

Thanks

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jestershaw

18 years ago

I implemented allot of the fixes suggested.

Can everyone please take another look at my site and let me provide feedback. I parked the new web page at www.viralexperiment.com for now. If the site looks good I will move it to www.gptriches.com.

Thanks to everyone.

Shawn

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Shawn Tester
Site: www.zenzyn.com

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Bruce NewMedia

18 years ago

Shawn, first comments on the graphics problems:

I would remove the writing on the background behind page. (words at angle).....Bad choice of color (dark green) for testimonials boxes. Colors in general are very 'down' - too dark.

The page is divided all the way to the top - doesn't look right. The HEADER area should run all across the top.

The freebee list they get for joining your email list is confusing.

It says 'sign up for the newsletter and get 2 free ebooks and newsletter' - by putting these freebees RIGHT UNDER THE ORDER BUTTON, i would ask why should I buy when I get all these prominent items for free - whether i buy or not????

Half the sales text is normal then it changes to BOLD??? what's that about?
Lots of typos. "Virtually" not virtualy as an example.

you write: "This work will not die down. There is always a need in the market I am going to introduce you to in my get paid to guide. You will not be dissapointed." (spelling)

That kind of copy needs lots of improvement. You really would benefit from having a copywriter review this whole letter and make significant changes, or better still start over from scratch, imo.

No offense meant by any of this- just being honest.
______
Bruce

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jestershaw

18 years ago

Thank you very much. This is exactly what I was looking for in a critique.

Thanks
Shawn

Originally Posted by brucerby

Shawn, first comments on the graphics problems:

I would remove the writing on the background behind page. (words at angle).....Bad choice of color (dark green) for testimonials boxes. Colors in general are very 'down' - too dark.

The page is divided all the way to the top - doesn't look right. The HEADER area should run all across the top.

The freebee list they get for joining your email list is confusing.

It says 'sign up for the newsletter and get 2 free ebooks and newsletter' - by putting these freebees RIGHT UNDER THE ORDER BUTTON, i would ask why should I buy when I get all these prominent items for free - whether i buy or not????

Half the sales text is normal then it changes to BOLD??? what's that about?
Lots of typos. "Virtually" not virtualy as an example.

you write: "This work will not die down. There is always a need in the market I am going to introduce you to in my get paid to guide. You will not be dissapointed." (spelling)

That kind of copy needs lots of improvement. You really would benefit from having a copywriter review this whole letter and make significant changes, or better still start over from scratch, imo.

No offense meant by any of this- just being honest.
______
Bruce

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Shawn Tester
Site: www.zenzyn.com

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halille

18 years ago

Test it with a blank background, it look like we landed in a game website

Check your stats on cpanel and see how much time people stay on your page, if more than 90percent don't stay on your page more than 30seconds, you have a problem with headline or the source of traffic.

Anyway your headline is too weak, work first on the headline.

conduct a test with some paid traffic for one day, and you'll be fixed
when you register at yahoo, you get 25$ free, that's enough to test it with targeted traffic

also your proof, could be January 1999 or 2002, if you have proof it must be recent. And you say, "Have a Look to the payments received last month"

All the best
Halille

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1 reply

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KEY

18 years ago

you already have a lot to think over with the prior comments, and some of what I am about to say may duplicate some...but a little more can not hurt!

the second is an improvement, but also brings on more problems. why not stick with what is working so well for so many? white background, red or blue headline, johnson boxes that are a 'passive' color - light gray, light tan/brown?

1) you need to get a better understanding of <div/> and some other html/css commands. you need some padding around the left column.

2) the black background is just...dreary? and get rid of the horizontal text! it is cut off, and that just looks lame. if you insist on the 3d-ish background...lighten it up or best to leave the gray 3d and make the rest white.

3) as in the first sales letter (so many of you missed this) - are you trying to sell me a book, or get me on your list? think about it...as soon as I subscribe you take the 'visitor' AWAY from your sales letter! consider having the sign-up this way...

3a) as an exit pop if the surfer leaves "sorry to see you go, let me give you this PDF for your time"- give 1 PDF, and inside the PDF have a link BACK to your product sales page. also have something like "did you like this PDF? click here to sign up for my newsletter/list and get 3 more in this series"

3b) on the download page...have again - one 'no strings' PDF and the option to get all of them when they join your list.

now...you can have the page less cramped as the left sidebar can be deleted.

4) good to use San-Serif family, but consider trying Tahoma instead of Arial/Helvetica

5) johnson box - much lighter, and try to have a web address...otherwise what is the point? you may just as well make them up. and even if made up? an address makes the testimonial 'look' valid

also, one of your testimonials says they paid $29???

6) the 'payment' box, a more recent time frame was covered, but for me? they are overused lately

7) too much to cover on the copy in general...it does come over as one of 'those' sites that give IMarketing a bad name (sorry). think about starting over and telling the visitor what your 'system' will do for THEM, nothing about you (other than it works for you) less hype, more substance

8) a bit of a dichotomy at the end - tell you why: you state that this product is easy and for beginners, but your bonus is about PLR? PLR is not for beginners, AND PLR would imply getting into other aspects of IMarketing, something you get a bit down on at the top of your sales letter?

9) you try to give the impression that you are making a full time income doing just this 'system'...THAT is unlikely, as if otherwise you would not need to be selling the book. best to remove this.

I don't have to leave my house I just relax, run the system and make a steady, GUARANTEED INCOME each and everyday.

maybe change this to: "I can relax and work on my other projects, knowing that the system is working in the background helping to make me a steady income"

got to go...hope my 2...12 cents was of some benefit

KEY

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1 reply

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jestershaw

18 years ago

Awesome feedback. I have re-written the site a bit. I took a ton of what you and the others had to say and put them into my new site.

Please take a look and let me know what you think.

www.gptriches.com

I hope it still doesn't look like "one of those sites"

Shawn

Originally Posted by KEY

you already have a lot to think over with the prior comments, and some of what I am about to say may duplicate some...but a little more can not hurt!

the second is an improvement, but also brings on more problems. why not stick with what is working so well for so many? white background, red or blue headline, johnson boxes that are a 'passive' color - light gray, light tan/brown?

1) you need to get a better understanding of <div/> and some other html/css commands. you need some padding around the left column.

2) the black background is just...dreary? and get rid of the horizontal text! it is cut off, and that just looks lame. if you insist on the 3d-ish background...lighten it up or best to leave the gray 3d and make the rest white.

3) as in the first sales letter (so many of you missed this) - are you trying to sell me a book, or get me on your list? think about it...as soon as I subscribe you take the 'visitor' AWAY from your sales letter! consider having the sign-up this way...

3a) as an exit pop if the surfer leaves "sorry to see you go, let me give you this PDF for your time"- give 1 PDF, and inside the PDF have a link BACK to your product sales page. also have something like "did you like this PDF? click here to sign up for my newsletter/list and get 3 more in this series"

3b) on the download page...have again - one 'no strings' PDF and the option to get all of them when they join your list.

now...you can have the page less cramped as the left sidebar can be deleted.

4) good to use San-Serif family, but consider trying Tahoma instead of Arial/Helvetica

5) johnson box - much lighter, and try to have a web address...otherwise what is the point? you may just as well make them up. and even if made up? an address makes the testimonial 'look' valid

also, one of your testimonials says they paid $29???

6) the 'payment' box, a more recent time frame was covered, but for me? they are overused lately

7) too much to cover on the copy in general...it does come over as one of 'those' sites that give IMarketing a bad name (sorry). think about starting over and telling the visitor what your 'system' will do for THEM, nothing about you (other than it works for you) less hype, more substance

8) a bit of a dichotomy at the end - tell you why: you state that this product is easy and for beginners, but your bonus is about PLR? PLR is not for beginners, AND PLR would imply getting into other aspects of IMarketing, something you get a bit down on at the top of your sales letter?

9) you try to give the impression that you are making a full time income doing just this 'system'...THAT is unlikely, as if otherwise you would not need to be selling the book. best to remove this.

maybe change this to: "I can relax and work on my other projects, knowing that the system is working in the background helping to make me a steady income"

got to go...hope my 2...12 cents was of some benefit

KEY

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Shawn Tester
Site: www.zenzyn.com

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Andrew Stevens 18 years ago

I still think it could stand a bit of work. Some of the images are not showing up. The highlighting at the top is off. I think you need margins between the copy and the edges of your page. Try putting the copy in tables. Some polished graphics would help. The headline still isn't perfect in my opinion but heading in the right direction. The order button is definitely not positioned in a way that is begging to be pressed.
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genuineseller

18 years ago

Here's what I see above the "fold." "Spend $7" and "Give me 5 minutes." And that's before you've engaged me.

The first four paragraphs still don't tell me where you're ultimately going with this, and I bail out. I don't even scroll to the end to see how much it costs me, since you've already told me twice.

$7 for all of this makes me think it's not worth much.

The formula for a sales letter in an ebook called "Desperate Buyers Only" would really help you. It works like magic.

No offense, just trying to help. Keep it up.

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Lance K

18 years ago

Originally Posted by jestershaw

My sales letter is just not converting like I want it to (www.gptriches.com). I get about 300 - 400 hits a day with no luck.

Care to elaborate? Does "no luck" = zero sales? Have you been averaging 300 - 400 unique hists per day for very long?

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Mark Hendricks

18 years ago

Hi Shawn,

Here's a free gift for you and others on a salesletter template that follows a 17-step psychological sales track, it's really helped a lot of people increase their conversions:

Mark Hendricks - Salesletter Template

Best,
Mark Hendricks

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1 reply

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Lance K 18 years ago

First word of the headline is "spend"?

How about "invest".

Also, the testimonials are weak. Get more specific testis with quantifiable results as soon as you can.

The "How Much Is This Going To Cost?" section isn't needed. You mention the cost of $7 immediately in your headline.

Finally, I'd test some sort of conditional guarantee. Try one where if they don't get x results in y days they get double their money back. Of course it will be up to them to prove that they followed your system to the letter. Even a conditional guarantee should work better than no guarantee. There needs to be some element of risk reversal even if it's only $7.
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What is wrong with my sales letter!!!

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