Criticize my squeeze page!

by Eric Johnson

Posted: 14 years ago 24 replies

INTERNET MARKETING

Hey guys, I just finished a new squeeze page for my MMA niche. Can you guys take a gander at it and tell me what you think?

Don't worry about hurting my feelings as long as the criticizm is constructive. No "OMG that suxor... FAIL!" posts please as that doesn't help me too much.

Thanks a ton for the help.

MMA Training Camp

#criticize #page #squeeze

Alexa Smith Banned 14 years ago

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- KA 14 years ago
  
  That's quite good! Very compelling. Makes me want to sign up!
  
  What's the thinking on two opt in boxes? Do they increase sign ups?
  
  The only thing I'd question is that photo. But just my opinion.
  
  Like Alexa said, after reading the page, I'm just not entirely sure what you are offering, but because it's free and you've hit a lot of hot buttons, my curiosity makes me want to sign up and see anyway.
  
  (Don't listen to anyone who tells you that your first opt-in box needs to be "above the fold": they may not know what they're talking about).
  
  Funnily enough, I spent a few hours the other day trying to get my opt in box over the fold because I was told it was the "right thing to do".
  Although it does seem to be getting more conversions.
  
  Thanks
  
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Barry Unruh 14 years ago

Who are "WE"?

Why do I want to buy from "WE"?

I want to know who "YOU" are. I want to know why "YOU" are qualified to teach me...

Because quite honestly, I have no intention of giving my name and email address to someone who is not identifying themselves.
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mainstreetcm 14 years ago

I agree with NY1 that "increases sex life" just doesn't sound right. Try "increases sexual activity" or "improves and increases your sexual activity"
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- Eric Johnson 14 years ago
  
  Thanks for the help guys.
  
  You are right my offer wasn't clear at all. I changed the page a bit and hopefully it is a little more clear now. Let me know what you think.
  
  Thanks again.
  
  MMA Training Camp
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  ab420 14 years ago
  
  HA HA! That first line is GREAT! The one about your wife calling... that is classic, nice work on that. That breaks the ice really well and makes the user feel "more comfortable" viewing the page (if that makes sense).
  
  Thanks
  
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- BillyBee 14 years ago
  
  I like the look of the page very much. Nice job on that.
  
  The copywriting is only so-so, however. I'm not saying it won't work, but it will convert a LOT better if you make some improvements.
  
  The biggest improvement I can suggest is changing this:
  
  Do yourself a favor and
  sign up for these free emails
  
  "Do yourself a favor" is an empty cliche that just slides by the eye.
  
  "Sign up for these free emails" tells me nothing. What am I getting specifically?
  
  I'm already getting emails for free everywhere!
  
  Other missteps that I see:
  
  - You're suggesting to me that I have a crappy body. That sounds harsh and feels like a rebuke. Now I'm not feeling so generous about opting in.
  
  - A body designed like a kindergartner? That doesn't even make sense. You compound that non sequitur by highlighting it in yellow.
  
  - The offer itself is vague and weak. Look at what you're really offering --- best I can tell, you're offering "free emails" that basically amount to a "workout." There are a MILLION free workouts on YouTube right now -- why should I care about yours? Because it's a "life changing offer"? That's pure hype.
  
  You need to punch up that workout with a specific magical quality that will make someone go, "Wow -- I NEED that!" A workout that is simply not boring is not good enough. I mean, your workout MIGHT be, but your page does not convince me.
  
  Best example of what I'm talking about is a golf site that promises a video showing golfers how to drive a golf ball through a piece of plywood as a way to teach them how to drive the ball farther. Now THAT'S a great offer!
  
  -I like the "your wife called" headline but you're eliminating a ton of single guys.
  
  Anyway, enough from me right now. Keep going and let us know how this progresses for you.
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  butters 14 years ago
  
  Why is the font size so small? I don't know what size you are using but it seems really small. I would also test an optin box above the fold to.
  
  Thanks
  
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Sheila Atwood 14 years ago

I liked the casual approach to your disclaimer.

Do not see any reason for two optin boxes. Almost seemed desperate.

Agree on wonder what MMA meant and on what qualifies you to teach me.

You must have a compelling offer. The top of the page your compelling offer is free emails. Sorry that does not do it! Use something like - The Muscle Mans Work Out Plan - 30 Day Work Out Coach - (not my niche, but I hope that gives you some ideas).

You can explain that it is right in the in box later.

You highlighted "designed by a kindergartner" If I am skimming the page I would not want something that is designed by a kindergartner.

Your headline - is about a persons wife... the next line...your solution is about the person. I would connect both "Give Your Wife What She Has Been Dreaming Of With Muscle Mans Action Training Camp"

Put each word in you headlines in caps.

Didn't get the picture, especially compared to the bullet points. Your bullet points are under a headline that suggests benefits. Most of your bullet points give the features of your product.

You have professional workouts right in your in box.
You be eager to do your daily workouts.
Increased sex life...yeah!
Your wife will be happy.
You will be showing off your buff body.

Hope that helps.
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Rezbi 14 years ago

Originally Posted by Eric Johnson

Criticize my squeeze page!

Yo, squeeze page, you lazy good for nothing. When are you gonna make something of your self?

Oh yea, you also smell weird... and your momma dresses you funny.
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Raydal 14 years ago

You may get more responses if you posted this request in the
copywriting section of the forum. That's where most critiques
are done.

-Ray Edwards
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Kris Turner 14 years ago

The only thing I don't really like is the headline. I'd make it stand out more, and unless you know for sure that a large majority of your traffic is married I'd leave the wife thing out. Aren't a lot of guys into MMA gonna be young and single? Either way, everyone who gets to your site who isn't married is immediately out of place.
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Raja Kamil 14 years ago

First, checkout this copywriting checklist, 89 Copywriting Checklist | Raja Kamil dot com

It was written for salespage, but I guess both squeeze page and sale page have similar objective, which is, to PERSUADE !.

Ok, from my view,

Small Font
If it is mine, I will change the size to 12.

Opt-in Box
I dont think having 2 optin boxes is a problem. But, what I see is, there is no need for both boxes be as big as they are now. Maybe you can change the first one, into smaller box design and keep the second one.

Tired of doing the SAME THING over and over again?
Sure all the workout "gurus" tell you they work well.
It's because they're probably selling you the book ! Hello!?!

I guess, you can elobarate this into story. Make the reader says "aha..aha....yeah, it seems like me..."

Here's the legal stuff on the MMA Training Camp program.

From my oppinion, keep this part "lowprofile". I mean, don't make this stuff make your reader thinks "..well, since the webmaster highlight this part, this might be risky even though it is free."

Other
-More explanation will make your squeeze page convert more.
-perhaps one or two more pictures, will help readers find your site attractive (maybe you can take a shot of real training camp)

I love your bullet point. It looks professional.
The headline also, seem pretty good. But, seem it 'filter out' the non married guy, I guess you will lose a big number of potential prospects.

You really need some 'workout' to that squeeze page. I bet, it will worth your effort.

Some quote;
""Be hardworking, and you'll find what you want""
It is in arabic, but I dont know the right translation.
The original, sounds "Man Jadda, Wajada"

All the best mike !
Regards;
Raja Kamil
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- Eric Johnson 14 years ago
  
  Thanks a ton for the criticism and suggestions. They have helped a ton.
  
  One thing I noticed I was doing was strattling the fence on hitting people wanting to lose weight and Mixed Martial Arts fighters and wasn't hitting either one.
  
  I changed the copy up almost completely. Can you guys take another look and tell me if you think I'm on the right track now?
  
  Thanks a ton...
  
  Eric
  
  MMA Training Camp
  
  Thanks
  
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Paleochora 14 years ago

Alexa beat me to it...MMA? and spelling mistake (Guarantee).

Also, I found the American-English rather impenetrable. Maybe that is geared to your particular market but I couldn't understand most of what was said.

Apart from that it looked nice. I think the first opt-in could be a tad less deep so there would be less scrolling, but it was fine apart from needing a bit of a tidy up on language.
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- Intrepreneur 14 years ago
  
  Optin above the fold.
  
  All the sub headlines are unecessary.
  
  No evidence.
  
  No benefits.
  
  Thanks
  
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  edlewis 14 years ago
  
  Don't take this the wrong way...but the header sucks. Either lose it, or get something sleeker and more professional. That said, you don't HAVE to use a header....My testing with header VS no header favors no header slightly.
  
  The headlines need to LOOK better. Maybe use a graphic for the main headline? Also making everything BOLD kind of takes away from the effectiveness of using BOLD, no?
  
  The opt-in needs to be above the fold....pointing arrows or drawing attention to it somehow always increases conversions in my experiences.
  
  I'll trust you on the language and audience....I'm guessing it's geared toward your market and you know that better than I do.
  
  Thanks
  
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  Oprah Banned 14 years ago
  
  wtf the only pic you have now is 2 guys doing the 69..
  
  maybe get a hot chick with sweater bombs in the header above the 'your girl called..' to grab the guys' attention.
  
  i know if i was a guy thats what would make me read the rest of the page..
  
  Thanks
  
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Kezz 14 years ago

The key question for you is do you want to target people who are actually training MMA, or do you want to target MMA fans that want to get fit and strong?

If I were you, I would aim at the latter because it is a much larger group.

I've done some MMA training myself, and it is very very tough. The people that actually train to it have their own strength and conditioning coaches so I think they're probably not the best group to target.

If they're doing BJJ, Muay Thai, Boxing or if they have an amalgamated gym, odds are low they will take advice from anyone but their coach or a recognized name in the sport.

Now, armchair warriors on the other hand, who love MMA and would like to tie their appreciation of the sport in with some fitness training - that's a good group to target.

No offence to those that suggested expanding the abbreviation, but don't do it. Actual MMA fans, i.e. the people you are targeting, will think it's lame if you type out Mixed Martial Arts. If people don't know what MMA is the promotion will miss the mark entirely so it won't matter.

By the way, the "69" image is a guy about to get stuck in a very nice armbar. Although granted, it is probably a good idea to use a picture that lets you see more of the typical physique of a fighter. The perfect pic would actually be of a fighter with a ring girl.

Feel free to PM me if you want some more feedback from someone who is both a writer and an MMA devotee.
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Christian York 14 years ago

Hey Eric,

As an MMA fan and a gym rat myself this post is of special interest.

There are too many headlines at the top. Make one large headline and then possibly a sub header and thats it.

Then explain exactly what you are offering them. (8 weeks worth of mma workouts.)

Then explain the benefits of the 8 weeks worth of mma workouts. This should be done in the form of bullets. Aim for 4-8.

Then add your opt in box.

The goal is to make the opt in page as short as possible. I would also change the picture.

If you do all those changes I guarantee you will get a higher opt in rate.

Good luck

P.S. If you have a video camera, just do a quick video of you explaining to people what they would be getting. Then all you would need is a headline, the video, then opt-in box. Done.

The key is just to test, test, test.
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Totoy Mola Banned 14 years ago

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- Eric Johnson 14 years ago
  
  Thanks again guys... I can't begin to express my thanks for how helpful you have all been.
  
  Kezz, you are right, I was targeting the wrong group. The group of people who are just looking to get fit is much larger and I have changed the page to reflect that.
  
  I got rid of the ugly header and some of the headlines.
  
  Hopefully it's better now.
  
  Sorry to keep bringing this thing here but this is my first squeeze page and it's been quite a learning process.
  
  Thanks again.
  
  MMA Training Camp
  
  Thanks
  
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Kezz 14 years ago

That's a HEAP better Eric. Much improved.

I'd still keep it centered though if I were you.

The picture is also much better, although how about if you use a picture of a fighter so you connect with your target market. Something like one of these:

Martial Arts Fighter MMA | Royalty Free Stock Photo Image | iStockphoto.com

Ultimate fighter portrait | Royalty Free Stock Photo Image | iStockphoto.com

Boxer with dramatic lighting | Royalty Free Stock Photo Image | iStockphoto.com

Those aren't quite perfect as they aren't typical MMA physiques, but you get the idea.

Also, perhaps you can use "MMA" somewhere clearly, above the fold, again so you connect with the target market right away. Otherwise you don't realize until your read on that it's an MMA training routine.

Overall stacks better though.
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Ross Dalangin 14 years ago

Will this work for you? You'll never know! Not until you give it a try!

Many would be sceptical because you don't have a guarantee that your method will work.
I will not waste my time doing your tips for 8 weeks and not even subscribe.

Then just sit back and Watch your body transform!

Is it magic?
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