Warriors! I am using what I am learning! Please Critique...

26 replies
Warriors! I am using what I have been learning from this amazing forum! Please critique my first landing page ever. Please remember that I am new. Any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated. Please let me know if there is anything wrong with it. I am sure there is being that I am just starting.

You can find it here.
#critique #learning #warriors
  • Profile picture of the author CurtisN
    Here are some points to help you out:

    -get rid of the giant cartoon image
    -hire a professional graphic designer to redo your entire page (and your ecover as well)
    -unless Mark Thomas is your real name, it sounds too fake
    -how are you qualified to teach "me", the visitor, how to make money online if you don't know how to?
    -get your own domain name (I'm assuming you're using a free webhost)
    -I doubt that testimonial is real: get some real ones and all the person's full name (add a website URL and/or geographical location as well)
    -you have a 100% satisfaction guarantee, but don't offer refunds; you should offer refunds

    There are actually many more things which are weak, especially your sales copy.

    I think the main concern of mine is that you're new, but trying to teach others how to make money online.

    Curtis
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    • Profile picture of the author thebitbotdotcom
      @CurtisN

      Can you direct me to a good example?

      Mark
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  • Profile picture of the author waltermulder
    If this is your first product and you're creating it to learn, why not use it as a tool to build your list (first) and give it away for free to your subscribers. Then you only need to set up a squeeze page and we can focus our comments on the product instead of on the sales page.
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  • Profile picture of the author Rajan Cajan
    Your first sentence has a grammar error. (Are you tired of you day job). Should be your day job.
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  • Profile picture of the author CurtisN
    Mark,

    Here's an example of a pretty good sales page from a recent launch:
    Confidential Conversions

    Note the professional graphics, the professional (and expensive) sales copy, the powerful social proof, and the proof that the methods actually work. In my opinion, you'll need at least two of the above to have a good sales page.

    Cheers,
    Curtis
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  • Profile picture of the author sambavammi
    not bad for a start
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  • Profile picture of the author Andy1750
    Hey Mark,

    The most helpful piece of advice that I can give you is stay away from the make money online niche if you don't know how to make money online. There's no way that you can create a convincing landing page if you don't know what you're doing. Become a "proper" marketer first and learn how to promote range of non-IM related products and services. Once you get there you can teach people how to do it if you so choose.

    Cheers,

    Andy
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    Not trying to sell you anything :-)

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  • Profile picture of the author JustinDupre
    Yeah, not too bad for your first website. You should change some of your font and change you to your though. There are many samples out there in this forum with the niches that you are doing. Good luck!
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  • Profile picture of the author BCJason
    looks good. I'd fix the "are you tired of you day job"
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  • Profile picture of the author Toby Lewis
    Its a shame the first few comments were so negative because you've done a pretty awesome job. All good advice, especially the cartoon. It's the first thing you see and it takes up the whole page, but doesnt add anything.

    If you're strapped for cash then dont worry about graphics just yet. Is it a PLR sales letter? Regardless, a video would really help if you're confident in front of a camera.

    Watch the big launches closely and mimic the sales letters
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  • Profile picture of the author RentItNow
    Delete huge header, delete cartoon. You cant even see the headline without scrolling. Headline is problem based instead of benefits based. People don't want to be reminding of their problems they want to know there is a solution and how fast they can get it.
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  • Profile picture of the author revenue27
    Well just keep improving your sales letter, if you are at tight budget, then learn how to write good checkout other sales letters that related with your products, and see what's need to improve with your sales pages, anyway congratulation for your first launch and good luck.
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  • Profile picture of the author RGallowitz
    The cartoon might create a negative impact with the reader psychologically...
    I'd split test it.
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  • Profile picture of the author helisell
    I didn't think the first few comments were negative, I thought they were really constructive. If someone asks for a critique and someone else takes the trouble to answer then it is usually worth taking notice.

    I thought CurtisN did a real good job with his reply.

    The only thing I would add is.....why assume that someone's day job is sitting in front of a computer. What about truck drivers, gardeners etc etc.

    I also believe that it isn't on to sell into the make money online niche...if you you don't know how to make money online.
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  • For your first attempt, I'm impressed! I conur with the comments about getting rid of the big cartoon/banner at the top! I'm thinking a lot of people will instantly be put off.

    There are further spelling/grammar mistakes too...

    Under your paragraph of big red text below the top image, your "We'll guess what!" should read "Well guess what!"


    Near the top under the "Dear Fellow Soon-To-Be Business Owner"....your "Millions of people across the globe are in the same position that your are in." should read "Millions of people across the globe are in the same position that you are in."

    Also in the same section...your "the company owner or it's shareholders." should read "the company owner or its shareholders."

    Just under the testimonial in the "You Can Make Money Online!" section, right at the end of it...your 'where the worlds commerce takes place' should be 'where the world's commerce takes place'

    That's all I've spotted just by having a quick scan mate..after Wednesday I can have a look further needed after you've made some tweaks? Let me know! I'd be happy to help!

    Cheers,

    Chris
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  • It looks like you are a graphics designer by trade? Personally - I do like the overall look of the website.

    However -- I actually think the cartoon is interesting -- an my first question was 'why was he upset'?

    One thing though -- on your e-book cover -- I would suggest changing the picture of the girl. She looks like she is bored out of her mind -- and if your goal is to say (here is the cartoon character that is upset) -- you should be contrasting it with a girl that is excited/happy (i.e., because now she has her own online business).

    I do like the overall design of the site, nice & clean.

    As for the content, it came across a bit 'angry' & 'resentful'. (It actually sounds like you personally have worked quite hard, but very annoyed because you still aren't seeing the results you want, and are a bit frustrated).

    I would be wondering though what qualifies you as an expert? No where did I see that in the copy, and what makes this a 'good' business plan?

    But as for the graphic design, do like that. It is a bit refreshing as opposed to the standard yellow highlighted everywhere types of sales pages I have seen.
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  • Profile picture of the author waltermulder
    I didn't mean my comment to be negative, just to be constructive and tried to offer some advice.
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  • Profile picture of the author jbode
    Start with getting rid of the graphics all together you don't even need them.

    you don't need this: ATTENTION: This message is for everyone who is sick of their CRUMMY day job...

    if you're going to include this in your headline: Are You Tired Of Your Day Job!?

    start with that, of course there is a lot more you can do
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  • Profile picture of the author Mokai
    FOr your first attempt you did a good job, but i honestly dont like the idea of you selling a make money online book when your just starting out, you should apply what you have learned to another niche which you are passionate about. Make money online niche in my opinion should be entered once you have been successfull in one way or another online.
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    • Profile picture of the author butters
      For you first attempt it quite good... If I repeat any of the points others have mentioned, sorry, I didn't go down and read all their points.

      - Graident in the white block looks bad (IMO).

      - Picture looks depressing

      - Grammar issues

      - Your header text (In between the arrows) is hard to read, font is hard to read.

      - ""It's time for you to start your own online business. You're probably thinking: "I don't know anything about starting an online business". We'll guess what! Millions of people 'know how to do it'...""" From a newbie perspective, if millions know how to do it then whats the point in doing it? Also you don't answer the question, what is an online business. Is it my own website, amazon, ebay, cheese factory site etc...

      - Another question you don't answer, whats an online business plan.

      I stopped after this point because you need to seriously begin fixing this... Here is what I suggest, I doubt your do it but no skin off my back. Go to clickbank, look at ALL the products above 100 gravity and see how all these people write their sales pages. Look for the structure, how they write their stories etc... Then use what you see and then implement.
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  • Profile picture of the author Russell Turner
    The girl on the ebook cover could do with cheering up!
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    • Profile picture of the author Toby Lewis
      Originally Posted by Russell Turner View Post

      The girl on the ebook cover could do with cheering up!
      You're right I didn't notice that! Maybe some flying money would perk her up a bit. Flying cash is an essential part of any IM ecover
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  • Profile picture of the author thebitbotdotcom
    To all,

    Thanks for the excellent suggestions! I am new at Internet Marketing, not at taking criticism, so all suggestions are welcome, even the ones that are tough to swallow. I realize that honesty is sometimes brutal.

    I would just like to mention that this is a book that I obtained the master resale rights to and that I think has some good basic information. I just wanted to point that I didn't write it so it is not like I am some newbie that took his rudimentary IM knowledge and tried to write a book. It is simply a book I am experimenting with to try and sell and it just happens to be an MMO book.

    The way I see it, if I can make a sale in MMO, I can make a sale in anything. I know this is where the experts are, so I posted this thread knowing full well that the feedback was going to be a bit painful and that the feedback would be of extremely high quality and I was right.

    Therefore, I have begun slowly making changes. The first thing I did was remove that cartoon graphic everyone was screaming about.

    What is the next worst thing I need to change?

    Also, is it OK to exchange links on a page like this to boost it's SERP and traffic?

    Thanks!
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  • Profile picture of the author justcrowd2010
    You can also visit forums that consists of SEO workers or people that would certainly answer you questions.
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  • Profile picture of the author Terry Crim
    before you start making too many changes let me ask you this. Are you currently making any sales from this site?

    Do you have traffic coming to the site and if so how much per day?


    - T
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    • Profile picture of the author thebitbotdotcom
      Originally Posted by Terry Crim View Post

      before you start making too many changes let me ask you this. Are you currently making any sales from this site?

      Do you have traffic coming to the site and if so how much per day?


      - T
      I just uploaded it 48 hours ago. No sales yet. I haven't even driven any traffic to it yet. It is my first attempt at a landing page so I am starting from ground zero.
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