First sales page - needs a critique from the experienced

7 replies
Hi Warriors,
I'm trying to write sales page to sell a clients book - this page is at Magic Tools For Life

I just need some experienced sales page writers to critique it and help me out - this is my first one and thus there will be many errors. I tried to base the layout on some clickbank products of a similar nature.

Thanks,
Matt
#critique #experienced #page #sales
  • Profile picture of the author mplatts
    oh and the pricing part is not complete yet (hence the lack of pricing) - still not sure what we are selling it at. I was going to do like a strikethrough of a much higher price, and then the real price underneath - so people can see how much value they are saving. Is this the correct way to go about it? Other sales pages seem to do that anyway.
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    • Profile picture of the author perryny
      Hey Matt,

      You may want to list this in the Copywriter's Forum. Those are the guys who will point you in the right direction with writing a sales letter.

      Good luck,
      -Rob
      Signature
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  • Profile picture of the author mplatts
    oh right...should have checked that. Will repost there
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  • Profile picture of the author Kevin AKA Hubcap
    I'm not much of a copywriter but I'll throw my hat in the ring.

    Let's start with the page design/formatting. Try putting everything in a container no more than 800px wide and centering that container on the page.

    Use images to reinforce your words. For instance for the top set of bullets pictures of sad, angry teens would be appropriate and in the second set images of happy, well adjusted teens.

    Use video-- This topic is screaming out for a video. It needn't be fancy but it should connect with what you're talking about. For instance start telling how a lack of confidence and the inability to deal with pressures could lead to an increased risk of depression, teen pregnancy, and other problems.

    Most parents want their kids to be able to cope with the pressures of their lives so really rub this in and once you've ground it really good present your solution which results in clear thinking, well adjusted, strong kids who go off to become doctors, scientists, and business owners etc.

    You're using a lot of features in the copy. I think you need to drill down deeper to relate a benefit with that feature.

    For instance, when you say:

    is narrated by two young teenagers, and therefore connects directly with the young audiences
    dig deeper and give the reader what benefit their child will get by connecting with the narrators.

    The PDF printouts look interesting. I think you should give more information on what they are and how they'll help.

    Just my .02

    Kevin
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  • Profile picture of the author reynoldscorb
    I like what you have going here. Color scheme looks good. I would recommend centering everything. I just like to see everything clean cut in the middle of the page, but that's just my opinion.
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  • Profile picture of the author DrewG
    Looks good man, not bad for a first sales page.

    Few things that I would personally change:

    1.) Put the text into a center container (what Kevin said above) Look at this site and this site's structure.

    2.) You might want to hire a minisite designer to create the page...the design you have isn't horrible, but it could use some touching up. They could help you with the structure as well.

    3.) Make your headline big, bold, and stand out. Catch the attention of every single person who lands on that page.

    4.) Needs more sales copy...stories work very well. If you have any true stories about someone being bullied and then overcoming the bully and being empowered would help.

    5.) Your pricing idea sounds good.

    It all looks pretty good, just need to work on the site structure a bit. Also, add all the normal pages - disclaimers, terms and conditions, affiliate page (if you have an affiliate program), contact page, privacy policy, etc. If you're feeling really ambitious...add a blog on the backend with a bunch of articles, add a favicon, and create some videos and distribute them.
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  • Profile picture of the author mplatts
    Thanks for the replies...so we have:
    - 800px container centered
    - complimentary images
    - turn features into benefits
    - video
    - stories

    Drew Castle I did have all the other pages on there but I read somewhere that you should get rid of them to avoid distractions (eg they might just click off the page without reading through it).
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