Do you think this presell story can sell

23 replies
Hey warriors, Here is a story presell I have written for a product,but I just can't judge it. SO I need your opinion,

what do you think?

is it good enough to get me some sales.

I know most people will say the only way to determine is to test.

But let me ask you a different question, would you hire me as an article writer for you for 5$ per article (500 words) after reading this page.

(Mods, I am not trying to get any fake publicity, there are no affiliate links on the page yet)

Here is the link
How does a flat chested 29 year old woman, enlarged her breast size 2 cups within just 4 months using all natural dirt cheap methods and How you can do it too! | Exercise for breast enlargement
#presell #sell #story
  • Profile picture of the author Anoopchawla
    Hey warriors are you there...
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    • Profile picture of the author rosetrees
      Maybe folk are too polite to reply?

      I'm sure many realise by now that I am a cynic. Did you have a sex change?
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  • Profile picture of the author powerslave
    Originally Posted by Anoopchawla View Post


    is it good enough to get me some sales.

    I know most people will say the only way to determine is to test.

    But let me ask you a different question, would you hire me as an article writer for you for 5$ per article (500 words) after reading this page.
    I have to be honest and say that I think there are too many grammatical errors, both for me to hire you as a writer and for me to confidently say that this pre-sell will convert into sales.

    Now obviously I am not a 29 year old woman with breast size issues. I am a bloke who, I must admit, has been told his breasts should probably be a lot smaller :confused:

    Joking aside, I am afraid I was desperate to hit the back button after the first paragraph. You have done right by using short paragraphs, but the whole thing sounded too phoney. Will it convert? Only testing will give you that answer. My guess would be: no. I hate to be so blunt, but maybe you should look to hire a copy-writer rather than expect to be hired.

    Just my honest opinions, which you asked for.

    Hope it helps.
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  • Profile picture of the author Anoopchawla
    Warriors, I want your feedback here.
    Keep them coming,its the question of my career.

    I think this is the greatest thing that's holding me back (I am not a native english speaker)

    Do you think I must continue trying or go into ecommerce as there customers are probably lot easier to close because if they want a particular headphone they know they want it.

    It has been 2 years and I am still unable to make consistent money online. I am just confused what to do.

    Do you think I can improve English to a level I can make it (I am not in a position to outsource).
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    • Profile picture of the author rosetrees
      Is this a radical suggestion? If you aren't a native English speaker - and many people here aren't - have you thought of selling in your native language?

      Ok, the overall global market might be smaller, but so is the number of people competing to sell. Better still, your customers will understand you and might appreciate a site in their own language rather than having to struggle through a site in English that they don't understand.
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      • Profile picture of the author Anoopchawla
        Originally Posted by rosetrees View Post

        Is this a radical suggestion? If you aren't a native English speaker - and many people here aren't - have you thought of selling in your native language?

        Ok, the overall global market might be smaller, but so is the number of people competing to sell. Better still, your customers will understand you and might appreciate a site in their own language rather than having to struggle through a site in English that they don't understand.
        The thing is my native language is hindi, and most of the people in India prefer to read in english. I don't know the reason.

        Anyway, I think the market is too small, India is a developing country most people here can't even thinking of buying an ebook for 37$ its just too much in rupees.
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        • Profile picture of the author webfighter
          Originally Posted by Anoopchawla View Post

          The thing is my native language is hindi, and most of the people in India prefer to read in english. I don't know the reason.

          Anyway, I think the market is too small, India is a developing country most people here can't even thinking of buying an ebook for 37$ its just too much in rupees.
          People in India do buy digital products ranging from hundreds to even thousands of dollars but only in certain markets. The thing is, writing in hindi is not an option right now.

          I seldom (if ever) stumble on to a page written in Hindi online and there are no real keyboards for writing in Hindi.
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          • Profile picture of the author rosetrees
            Originally Posted by webfighter View Post

            I seldom (if ever) stumble on to a page written in Hindi online and there are no real keyboards for writing in Hindi.
            I didn't realise that - I know (at least I think I do?) that there are Chinese keyboards. I know there are a lot of very poor people in India, but I also think of it is a country that has lots of richer, technologically savvy people.

            Like Fun to Write says, don't give up. All we've done so far, is identify what you can't do! Which is negative.

            Move on and identify what you CAN do.

            For example - many online people are looking to outsource work such as social bookmarking, website set up etc. Maybe you could offer these services?

            Jump on Fiverr and offer services such as setting up a Wordpress blog, hand-bookmarking etc that don't require you to write.

            You won't get rich, but you will earn something and you will be learning all the time.

            Maybe go to some English classes if you are determined to improve your writing.

            The problem with English (or any other language) as a second language is the differing grammatical structure. This always makes it harder for a non-native speaker of any language to be convincing as you not only have to learn the language but you have to "unlearn" your own grammatical structure and learn a different one.
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            • Profile picture of the author webfighter
              Originally Posted by rosetrees View Post

              I didn't realise that - I know (at least I think I do?) that there are Chinese keyboards. I know there are a lot of very poor people in India, but I also think of it is a country that has lots of richer, technologically savvy people.
              The lack of popularity of Hindi can be attributed to the fact that its not even our national language. Though the official language can either be hindi or english, we have around 120 recognized languages with over 1500 different "mother tongues" (Languages of India - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia). And yes, the 120 are different languages and not regional variations of Hindi.
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  • Profile picture of the author Dean Jackson
    If you want complete honesty, then I have to say that was HORRIBLE!

    Here are a few things you can do to IMMEDIATELY improve your letter.

    1. Use a capital letter for the first letter of every headline
    2. Make a few good headlines in between the chunks of text
    3. Use Word to spellcheck and correct your sentence structures

    Read some sales letters and find common themes in them. Your call to action is weak also..

    Sorry if its harsh but you have a long way to go if you want to get paid for writing quality content
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  • Profile picture of the author powerslave
    I think you have actually chosen the wrong product to promote. Not only do you have to overcome the hurdle of not being a native English speaker, you also have the problem of being a man trying to come across as a woman. This is not easy for most native English speaking men to accomplish.

    I think I am right in thinking that the West's perception of India is that of a country with a growing I.T. industry. I think you would do better promoting something in this category. People would be more likely to dismiss any grammar errors if they felt your technical expertise and product advise was sound.
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  • Profile picture of the author Anoopchawla
    Warriors,I may sound a bit disturbed and demotivated, but I don't think IM is an option for me anymore.
    I have tried various products, and I know some of them were really v.good, but still I just can't make it...

    I think only 2 things can save me now
    1.Get a mentor ( I know nobody will do that for free,I have tried it countless times)

    2.Move on...
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    • Profile picture of the author Fun to Write
      Don't give up...just re-evaluate your situation.

      You've probably been jumping on various bandwagons without thinking about what you're really good at.

      We all learn from our mistakes.

      Look at this as a growing experience.
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    • Profile picture of the author webfighter
      Originally Posted by Anoopchawla View Post

      Warriors,I may sound a bit disturbed and demotivated, but I don't think IM is an option for me anymore.
      I have tried various products, and I know some of them were really v.good, but still I just can't make it...
      Hey Anoop,

      Just don't give up man.

      Look, you don't need a mentor or something. Just another set of eyes to give you a different perspective than yours. Making friends online can be crucial for your success and you should be glad that you got all us warriors.

      When it comes to Internet Marketing, their can be different business models. I know there are "methods" to earn money, but any money earned from "methods" should widely be invested into long term business models.

      You'll only learn if you try to make it yourself (that's just my opinion anyways). Stick to something, know where you're struggling in applying it, ask specific questions in the forum and report back with a success thread.
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  • Profile picture of the author Oce@n
    Originally Posted by Anoopchawla View Post

    Hey warriors, Here is a story presell I have written for a product,but I just can't judge it. SO I need your opinion,

    what do you think?

    is it good enough to get me some sales.

    I know most people will say the only way to determine is to test.

    But let me ask you a different question, would you hire me as an article writer for you for 5$ per article (500 words) after reading this page.

    (Mods, I am not trying to get any fake publicity, there are no affiliate links on the page yet)

    Here is the link
    How does a flat chested 29 year old woman, enlarged her breast size 2 cups within just 4 months using all natural dirt cheap methods and How you can do it too! | Exercise for breast enlargement
    Lol the large breast woman on your avatar is pretty for sure

    Okay, to be more serious, short answer yes it can sell. I think you should include pictures or it will be harder to believe.

    I wouldn't personally write something like this, cause it doesn't enter in my ethics either, but I don't think you should feel ashamed from doing it, at least not here. I don't doubt that most people here would never do that, but common... Let's be honnest. Who has never written a presell story that they invented? Especially when most IM products emphasize a lot on this and alot of people selling cpa related product tell you to have your own "Mary, 30 year old mum, tells you the truth about whitening teeth/losing weight" fake news website? Oh common...
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    • Profile picture of the author David Jackson
      Originally Posted by Oce@n View Post

      short answer yes it can sell. I think you should include pictures or it will be harder to believe.
      Actually, the short answer is there isn't anyway to know if anything will sell, until you actually test it. That being said, your offer as currently presented doesn't stand a snowball's chance in hell of succeeding, in my opinion, for reasons already stated by others.

      Do yourself a favor, start over, and join Ken Evoy's 5 Pillar Affiliate Program. You'll learn what affiliate marketing is all about, and you'll get plenty of top notch support. But, definitely, don't give up!

      David Jackson
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  • Profile picture of the author Will Edwards
    Sorry, I don't want to discourage you, but that piece is full of ...

    1. Grammatical errors
    2. Spelling errors
    3. formatting errors

    Add to that, the story itself sounds as if you made it up. I don't know if you did but that's how it comes across.

    And one more thing, if I were that girl, hypothetically speaking of course, I would dump the boyfreind and find someone who appreciates small-breasted women

    Will
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  • Profile picture of the author Anoopchawla
    Well, Ok I took the criticism and tried to improve myself.So here is another post from me, can you please go through it and tell whether this is better than the last one or is it equally worse?

    Cystic Acne Treatment – This Secret Can & Will Help You to Get Rid of Cystic Acne Within 7 Days Flat
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    • Profile picture of the author rosetrees
      Ok - this is just a personal opinion. I realise long sales letters with personal stories must sell, because there are zillions of them.

      For me, especially on medical issues, I'm not interested. I don't want to read about how "you" suffered etc, etc.

      What I personally want to know is:

      What exactly does it treat? (ie, is it right for MY symptoms?) - so in this case, tell me what cystic acne is, and how to know if I have it
      What does the product do? (ie, do I feel it is right for me) - so in this case tell me is it a pill, a liquid, a cream, a change of diet, a combination?
      How does it do it? How quickly will it work? How often will I need to take it, do it, apply it, or whatever?
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  • Profile picture of the author Newton360
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    • Profile picture of the author ExRat
      Hi Anoopchawla,

      I think powerslave summed it up -

      I think you have actually chosen the wrong product to promote. Not only do you have to overcome the hurdle of not being a native English speaker, you also have the problem of being a man trying to come across as a woman. This is not easy for most native English speaking men to accomplish.
      You can't underestimate the problem you are facing there.

      Let's take it a step further - as well as the language barrier PLUS the not being a woman barrier, you are ALSO trying a type of marketing where you are trying to establish credibility and trust in order to sell something that in truth you are not an expert in.

      Example (from the acne site) -

      Having clear skin is the single most effective thing you can do to improve your chances of attracting the opposite sex and increase your confidence.
      Think about this for a while. This is the opening sentence of the article on that site. As soon as I read that, you lost me because I already know that it is simply not true.

      To be more positive -

      You DO have a very good grasp of the English language.

      Many of us native English speakers totally avoid writing in niches where we are not an expert, because it is simply too much of a mountain to climb.

      So to try and do this when you are not a native speaker of the language is very difficult.

      So here's a thought for you - what do you think that people do who aren't outsourcing all of their writing and aren't an 'expert' in a niche, but do have something of value to offer?

      They tell the truth and focus their energy on connecting with their audience by ALWAYS being honest. It's actually possible to sell by being honest you know, although 90% of people seem to forget this for some reason.

      But in order to overcome the fact that you can't embellish your marketing with dishonesty, you need to do other things - empathise, connect, deliver, establish trust etc.

      It's virtually impossible to do those things effectively if you are pretending to be a woman and pretending to have experienced things that you haven't (small breasts or acne).

      BECAUSE the majority of marketers lie through their teeth, it works in the favour of those who are honest. But they have to be consistent, determined and deliver.

      But it would be unwise to give up because you're not an effective liar in a foreign language, wouldn't it? You're going into very competitive markets with a load of barriers in your way.

      Would it make sense for me to build Hindi web sites, pretending that I know all about Indian foods and find the most competitive Indian markets in order to try and tell Indians how to do what they are already experts at?

      Personally, I'm useless at lying, not too good at languages and probably hopeless at pretending to be a woman. So you have got a lot further than me already. BUT - perhaps you are simply going down the wrong path and need to take a different approach? There is more than one way to sell and the one you have chosen isn't working. So open your mind a little and take a different approach.

      You should be commended for your bravery in taking on such an insurmountable task and getting so far with it. But what you need to realise is that with the right approach, you can find success in a way that will be a lot easier.
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  • Profile picture of the author theultimate1
    Anoop, here's what I can suggest, considering your present situation.

    Focus on one thing, and one thing only right now - improving your English skills (both written, and spoken). You can start with Learn English Online: Free English Courses To Improve Your English. I think it's a decent site for people who know English, but need to improve their skills.

    Once you've to come to a certain level. Practise writing content on different niches. Write as many articles as you feel like. You can either monetise them, or setup a blog/site with those articles as your sample articles. Offering content writing services may not be your goal, but I think it's a pretty decent way to start and branch out into whatever you want to do in the long-run, online.

    You might want to start pricing your work at $3 per 500 words while offering very good quality. That will bring you a large mass of clienetele and for all you know, you won't run out of work until 'Doom's Day for Web-Content Writers' strikes. I don't know when that's likely to happen - No one is even thinking about it! LOL

    I've been writing for the past 4+ years (both full-time and part-time) and while I don't live the dream lifestyle, it pays pretty well. I'm from India so your view on this might be similar. I charge well over $3 per 500 words though - that's something you can do over time too.

    These days, I'm socialising a lot on the internet and it's proving to be a big productivity killer, so that might happen to you too. Beware of that... maybe you can set work schedules and stick to them to get work done on time.

    Feel free to PM me if you need further help.

    Oh, and yes, DON'T GIVE UP!!!
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