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Bone-chilling, brutal and frank critique needed.

by jamesthomasrush
4 replies
Hi:

I am Jim and I am trying my second bum marketing program. Last weekend I was encouraged to rewrite my resource box. I will put the old one up and then the new one. Please tell me what you think and don't spare the feelings. I am using some niche in alternate energy which gives me from 750 to about 1450 when in quotes.

Here is the old:

Jimmy Cosmos is a freelance writer who has an abiding interest in alternate energy methods. He is concerned with what works and why it works. He believes that we shall soon have to take matters into our own hands and produce our own fuel and power or go without. Go to Jimmy's site and read information you need to take care of yourself and your family. The site is thesolarlife.net

Preserve Your Family Through Information! You Can Do It!
Produce Your Own Fuel And Power While Others Go Without!
Read And Generate, or Hide And Watch. Check Out
thesolarlife.net YOU CAN DO IT! thesolarlife.net

I have yet to make a sale.

Thanks

Jim
#bonechilling #brutal #critique #frank #needed
  • Profile picture of the author KenJ
    I would forget your ego and not even mention who you are.

    Your visitors are looking for information so just tell them that there is more great info here. Dress it up and use your keyword as the link text.

    They do not want to know about you - even though I am sure you are an excellent human being
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  • Profile picture of the author TimGross
    Neither your "before" or "after" are very effective, try this:

    "To learn how to save money by producing your own fuel and power, Click Here Now"

    ...But your second problem is that your landing page Thesolarlife.net - Home isn't very effective either. The font you're using is too big to read easily, and doesn't make a good impression.

    Don't say "thank you for coming", and don't say "I wanted to tell you all about..." etc,

    Just start with, "Here's how to start saving money by producing your own fuel and power... And get into telling the reader how they can benefit ASAP. Get to the affiliate links quicker, and instead of just giving the title of each link, have a sentence/short paragraph for each.

    If you don't know what to say, just rewrite each headline for the products you're promoting and link to it, like:

    "Click Here to Discover the 'SECRET' to building your own renewable energy system at home for only a fraction of the cost of a new one"

    "Here's how To UNPLUG Your House From Your Electrical Company by being "100% Powered By Nature" With Renewable Energy"

    etc, etc. Get out of the way of making the sale, use the product's own sales letters to get the clickthrough, saying more than you need to just hurts response.

    Good luck.
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  • Profile picture of the author joe.marsh
    Jim..

    I just looked at your site and I have to agree w/ Tim. Change the font... something like tohoma/verdana. Reformat the table size to 700-750 (you want it to be viewed on the screen without haveing to scroll to the right).

    I would look at some salespages for popular items and see how they have them laid out, to get a better idea.

    Also I would mask your affiliate links, so they are not so easy to recognize.

    Go with resource box like Tim suggests. Make it easy and to the point for them to click. And... test your different resource boxes.

    Joe
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    • Profile picture of the author jamesthomasrush
      Hi:

      I can do most, but I am unsure how to change the table size. What do you do to change that. I never wanted to have top scroll across but was not sure how to do that.

      thanks

      Jim
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