Please Critique My New Site

11 replies
Hello Everyone

I am launching a new website on Sept 11th and wanted to get your guys opinion on the squeeze page. Please critique and give me your advice on the copy and what i might need to change. Family Networker (Where We Help Build Your Business Absolutely Free!

Thanks
Craig
#critique #site
  • Profile picture of the author JennSpencerIM
    One thing I noticed right away is that there is quite a lot of blank space at the beginning of the video before he starts talking...you might lose people who dont spend the time to wait for the video to start talking to them about the page.
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  • Profile picture of the author dannyadams
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    • Profile picture of the author craigc1980
      Originally Posted by JennSpencerIM View Post

      One thing I noticed right away is that there is quite a lot of blank space at the beginning of the video before he starts talking...you might lose people who dont spend the time to wait for the video to start talking to them about the page.
      Thanks Jenn. I was thinking this same thing.

      Originally Posted by dannyadams View Post

      Jenn's right about that.

      Another thing...When you are asking for the opt in, I always think it's better to put the box above the fold. I know it seems like a small thing but that scroll could loose people.

      I'd also get rid of all the security badges on the bottom. Smells scammy to me. I'm not saying your product isn't legit, I'm just saying it comes off that way. Kind of like the "as seen on Google, Aol, Yahoo" thing some people put on their sites.

      I'd also get rid of the stock photo family at the bottom.

      Go search out Sean Mize. He is a squeeze page MASTER. I'm not affiliated with him at all, he's just helped me a lot developing some of my stuff.

      Good luck.

      EDIT - I also always felt that regular "from the heart" videos work better than the professionally produced stuff. Just my opinion though.
      Thanks. Are you seeing something im not. The optin form is visible without having to scroll unless your seeing something im not.

      Thanks for the advice. I will definitely get rid of the stock image and i also have 3 other videos that are personally made. Maybe i will try one of those.

      Thanks
      Craig
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      • Profile picture of the author dannyadams
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        • Profile picture of the author craigc1980
          Originally Posted by dannyadams View Post

          Umm...don't know to be honest. I'm on a 13" macbook and I didn't see the opt in form at all. Could be screen size. I tried my 21" inch imac and saw some of it. Maybe it's the browser? If you can see it on a PC that has a normal screen rez I'd leave it.

          As far as the videos go..I usually go with something simple and to the point.

          "Hey this is Oliver Klozoff...thanks for stopping by. Here's what I got, Here's why you need it, Here's how you get it."

          that's basically it. if you are going to use a pen name, there's none better than Oliver Klozoff.


          A great example is Russell Brunson Potato gun site. NOT AFFILIATED AT ALL.
          "How To Make A Potato Gun" with Russell Brunson and Nathan Ploehn
          Thanks Danny. Very good stuff. Here is a video from one of the members i train. Would this be ok. zSHARE - main FN.wmv
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          • Profile picture of the author dannyadams
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            • Profile picture of the author kswr123
              ONe small niggling issue (from a web designers point of view)

              The site name should be more prominent in the header -at the moment it looks small and shriveled.

              Mubarak
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            • Profile picture of the author craigc1980
              Originally Posted by dannyadams View Post

              Yes. First off, I was signed up the second it started. Just sayin.

              The problem I see is that you have to make her say "Put your name and email address HERE (point) to access the members area."

              Get rid of the "take a look around" stuff and just have her say "Put your name and email here"

              I think that would work great. Plus when I went to the site that the video was on I was the "thousandth visitor" so I won a "free Iphone". Sweet!
              Thanks Danny! Congrats on the win. Lol. Thanks for the advice. Appreciate everyones advice.

              Thanks
              Craig
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  • Well,

    It was *different* from what I have seen. I will give you that it is unique.
    I can tell that it seems you put a fair amount of work into it, which is good,
    however...

    Comments:

    1. It is a bit incongruent. It looks like you are trying to be politically correctly
    with the two different races.
    2. With everyone in white shirts, it looks like they just came from Church or
    something along those lines.
    3. The video (when the guy started speaking) reminded me of a 70's video,
    and the poor audio didn't match. The quality of the 'newscast' looked quite good
    -- but the audio sounded like it was done in someone's basement.
    4. The buttons at the buttom, initially I thought they were some kind of legit
    organization (i.e., looks like the McAfee 100% virus free symbols, or thawte
    certificates), but then I realized it looked like they were designed. Also -- the
    lock in the middle of the icons almost looks like a phallic symbol.

    I hope you don't mind me telling you... but overall it was really incongruent.
    It is not a site that I would trust. If I did sign up, I would be curious about it,
    but probably take things with a good dose of salt.

    - J
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  • Profile picture of the author Vincenzo Oliva
    To make it short and concise, you're not speaking to the readers problem. First big mistake is your headline doesn't say "Discover how YOU", but says "Discover how a team of Internet Marketers". Like Carlton says, "So what". "What's in it for me?" No real benefits, not focused on the reader, no specifics about what this is about.
    You're going to help me? How? Why should I believe you? No testimonials.

    What's the benefit? A family that care about me? I already got a family, I want proven successful teachers to show me exactly what to do.
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    • Originally Posted by Vincenzo Oliva View Post

      To make it short and concise, you're not speaking to the readers problem. First big mistake is your headline doesn't say "Discover how YOU", but says "Discover how a team of Internet Marketers". Like Carlton says, "So what". "What's in it for me?" No real benefits, not focused on the reader, no specifics about what this is about.
      You're going to help me? How? Why should I believe you? No testimonials.

      What's the benefit? A family that care about me? I already got a family, I want proven successful teachers to show me exactly what to do.
      Yes, by the 'family' -- it almost sounds like a scene out of the GodFather...
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      • Profile picture of the author JoshuaG
        Note: I'm a complete dick when it comes to this kind of thing and I'll say in advance that I'm sorry.

        I just don't think people realize that in order to be successful you have to be genuinely talented and/or very experienced at what you do. Making money online generally requires a vast skill set involving everything from solid language skills to a feel for the nuances of human psychology.

        Despite what's going around, IM isn't easy and not everyone.

        IMO your landing page needs alot of improvement.

        The headline: Stresses you do this by working together as a team. What if I don't have a team? Does that mean I can't do this?

        The video:

        The video is super vague. You're only claim is that you can "grow" my business. There is nothing specific in the video at all.

        The intro to the video is way too long and arguably unnecessary considering you are about to go into a news cast.

        Why would a person in a news room welcome me to an IM system?

        The point of using a news style broadcast is to create credibility by leveraging the existing credibility of newscasts in general. The idea is to make it look like a story is being reported about your IM system. Instead you have this guy giving a vague sales pitch.

        The green screen or whatever you used to make the background is creating ripples on the side of the guys head. This is unprofessional and discrediting.

        You can tell he is reading from cards or a telepromper or something. It sounds unnatural and again is unprofessional and discrediting.

        Whatever he is reading is poorly written....unprofessional and discrediting.

        Over all, its not hard to tell you're video is trying to create credibility where there clearly isn't any to be had. It's obvious you have very little experience so why would anyone with even a small amount of experience believe you can help them?

        Your Form headline:

        All it says is "Claim Your Free access now"

        Free access to what?

        I don't even know what this is about at this point. Is it a consulting service? A step by step system? A business model I do with my family?

        The whole family theme doesn't make any sense to me. I'm confused about how you are using the word "Family" because the site has pictures of real families, and you call it family networking. I would assume this was a way to make money and involve my real life family in the process...but then in the video you say how your business consulting team is like a family. CONFUSING.

        This mini headline before the bullets:

        "Enter your name and email
        above to be on your way to profits and to see more about the new Family Networker System. "

        More vagueness and general unprofessionalism. You are promising nothing specific. Also, its poorly worded. I dont want to "see more about" but I may want to "LEARN more about".

        Your bullet points:

        "Discover how to use a free training program that will literally explode your business like you have never seen before!"

        I dont want to discover how to use a program, I want to discover the program itself. And what if I don't have a business, how can it explode it?
        Again, just very vague...and not compelling.

        "Stop paying thousands on coaching programs and products when there's a deceptively simple system that can help you build your business with ease!"

        The suggestion that I stop paying thousands leads me to believe this isn't for newbies. If that's the case, why in the world would I join this? Anyone with 1/2 a brain in internet marketing would know this a poorly designed landing page and would not want to learn anything from the person who made it because its clearly done by an amature.

        "Learn how to drive traffic,build your list,work as a team and much more!"

        Someone with experience would already know how to do these things. Someone without experience wouldn't even know what a list is or why its important. Finally no one cares about learning how to work as a team.

        Over all, the landing page looks like an uneducated amateurs attempt to provide a professional service in an area in which they lack any real competence.
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  • Profile picture of the author Rich Struck
    Looks like every other IM page I've seen. *shrugs*
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  • Profile picture of the author standfast999
    I could not figure out what it was about in 3 seconds nor what's in it for me.
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