My Story - If anybody cares about it
My Story - If anybody care about it
This is rather personal, so there`s not much to learn here. And this is a long post (4254 words). If you have the patience, read on. I`m not sure if this is the right forum for this. It`s not off-topic, because it`s about IM somehow. But the main forum doesn`t feel that right either. Move it or remove it if it`s unappropriate. The most important thing for me was to write this down. I feel more at ease now. I should`ve done this a long time ago.
6417.77$ in debt
That`s what I just found out.
I joined the Warriorforum last year in February or March. I don`t remember. I was at a threshold back then, I needed to do something to change my life, but I didn`t know what.
http://www.warriorforum.com/FORUM/to...OPIC_ID=139679
StrathClyde Introduction thread
13.03.2007
Welcome!
I'm another newcomer to IM. It's just been a day since I joined the Warrior Forum and I'm already thinking that I have what it takes to be succesful with IM. Just like you I feel very excited about the possibilities in this new world.
Good luck on your new path!
watashimo
I discovered Personal Development, I discovered Internet Marketing, and I discovered the WarriorForum. I thought that I`ve discovered a new world, the solution to all my problems. Yes, finally, now I know what I`e been looking for all my life.
Three years ago I dropped out of university because I didn`t know what I really wanted to do in life. Studying at university didn`t seem to be the answer. Not studying, hanging around with your friends playing slackers didn`t seem to be the answer either. I was living at home back then, so money has never been an issue for me. Whatever I earned, was used up in an instant. DVDs, a new computer, going out, I guess I never really learnt how use money. I later learnt the term financial illiteracy. That`s what I`ve been for my whole life. I had an savings account that my parents opened up for me. It was used up during and after highschool. Driver`s licence and such. And when I had the right to decide for myself, I decided against a savings account. I don`t need an emergency fund. For what? I`m a young student living at home, there are no worries.
And then, I had dreams of becoming a movie director. To be an artist and to be free, the ideals I hold highest in my life. My social circle was not that different from me. We all had artistic aspirations (be it music or film) and none of us wanted to be assimilated by society.
I failed to get into filmschool. So I had to study something else. Not studying was not an option. My parents had high hopes for my future. Just as my relatives and everybody else that knew me back since elementary school. I have to live up to their expectations, right? I felt that I owed them someting.
I`ve always been an outsider in school, respected by most, but not really accepted in any group. So I spent most of my highschool days studying, watching films, reading, writing (wanted to be a writer in highschool) while everybody was out partying, having fun, making out, whatever. Not me, I was different. I didn`t fit into this typical highschool setting. I always told people that I like the way things are, I don`t want to be like all these superficial guys, going out partying, getting drunk, doing stupid things. But deep inside, I admired them somehow. I wanted to go out and have fun like them. It`s just that the fear of rejection was overwhelming. If I just had the self-confidence to change. So I kept up my image and stayed on my own.
Then I met other people who were like me in the sense that they were outsiders. But they were proud of their status, which made them cool. This helped me develop some self-confidence. The model-student began to turn against society. I didn`t go out and became a rebel, but my attitude changed. I began to criticize society, school, and everything that was popular and common. The films I watched were different, my opinions were different, I would write texts where I criticize the school system, teachers or my class. Society in general was the enemy. I`ve spent most of life reading books, so words were a weapon that I knew how to use. And money was something superficial that people like me don`t really need. Actually, money is something to be ashamed of. By the time I graduated from highschool I had become one of the "cool" guys (well, some aspects of my personality at least). If only partially for some of the things I did , but fact was that some of the cool guys did show some respect. I didn`t become more social though.
Highschool hell was over. I was ready to conquer the world. Then reality kicked in. I couldn`t get into filmschool. My best friend with whom I wanted to conquer the filmworld moved to another city to do an internship at a filmstudio to gain some experience. And the old me came out again. I just didn`t have the courage to do the same. To go out and fight. Instead I decided to stay at home and live up to the expectations of my parents and relatives. I`d go to university and study something like computer science. And get a good job afterwards. Films are something that I could do on the side. I should have known better. I should have known that this was something that couldn`t work out.
I was studying something that I didn`t like, trying to ignore the things that I was passionate about. Being creative, writing, and shooting films. I don`t think that computer science was that difficult, I just didn`t have any real motivation to study. I suppressed the things I love and lead a life that wasn`t mine.
Then my parents got divorced. My whole world was breaking down. Who am I doing all this for? I don`t care about university, but you guys always told me to give my best, to go to university, to find a good job, get a family, buy a house and whatever. We`re family, we will always support each other. You told me to trust you, you know what you`re talking about. And now you`re getting a divorce?!? WTF? Are you kidding? What am I supposed to do now?
The old me returned. The wannabe-rebel. The anger following the divorce gave me the energy to shoot films and go out. I wanted to fight and destroy something. Standing still was not an option. And I met people that were like me (they had the same attituded, their parents were divorced and we all shared a hatred against society and social conventions). I began to hang out with them. We were dreaming of freedom. And therefore stopped going to university. When I realized that it was over (you can`t be absent from university and expect to graduate), I officially dropped out of university by my own choice (freedom of choice, something to be proud of). We all made this choice together. What a bunch of pathetic losers.
Life should`ve become better. But it didn`t. What am I supposed to be doing now with all the time and freedom that I have? I spent half a year wasting money and time doing nothing. The aspirations to become a movie director were still there, but the passion was lost. I was disappointed by life, my parents, by myself, Life has become a boring mess, nothing was interesting or excited anymore. I just couldn`t get myself to be passionate about anything. For awhile I felt anger, which was good. At least some emotions that I had. When the anger inside me died, there was nothing left to feel.
I never had a lot of self-confidence. I was picked on by other kids in kindergarten. I still remember the four year old me resisting going to kindergarten because I was beaten up the day before. I still remember being bullied in elementary school. I used to hide in a corner somewhere and read Spiderman comics. If some of the older kids found me, the would take my comics away. Spiderman was my hero. I could identify myself with Peter Parker but not once did I feel like Spiderman. Later on I became a fan of Batman. I lost the illusion of the nice world in Spiderman. A world where a a weak college student like Peter Parker could become a hero and ordinary people lead happy lives. The dark knight going to war in the streets of Gotham felt more like my world. This is a war and I`m a soldier fighting in this war. There ain`t a lot of people out there fighting along my side.
I never felt like a warrior.
Even though I never had a lot self-confidence, there were things that I could believe in, things that kept me moving forward. I believed that I was a good boy. A pathetic loser to every single person on the schoolyard, but my parents and all the other adults were giving me the praise to keep this image up. That`s all I had. So I worked hard, did my homework, went to school, went home, read books, watched TV, went to bed. I didn`t even try to open myself up. There`s probably a guy like me at every highschool. The one loser that nobody is talking to, who never had and never will have a girlfriend. I was pretty sure that I will never have a girlfrirend. I mean, girls wouldn`t even talk to me.
Isn`t it amazing that people in such a situation would continue and work harder to maintain this image instead of trying to change? I never tried to change. Even when a really shy girl (that spent most of her days reading books) asked me to go prom with her, I failed. I felt embarrassed. I`ve never been with a girl together, how am I supposed to spend that night with her? And dance with her? She must have felt the same way, and probably worse. In the end, it was her that asked me out. I left before she could even ask me to dance. How painful it must have been for her to stand there all alone, watching all the couples dancing. It broke my heart, when I saw her disappointed face afterwards. Prom night is something special to a girl, and especially to a girl like her. Painful memories. So many years have passed and I can`t get these memories out of my head. I bought her flowers on the following day to apologize, but I never really did apologize to her. She`s working at a bookstore, and I often go there. Out of guilt? I don`t know. Probably. On some days I feel as if I`ve ruined her life. Stupid thoughts. She might be the happiest person on earth by now. I`ve often thought about asking her out. But never did.
All this is going nowhere. There are so many unresolved issues inside of me. More than I thought. The adopted boy that was taken away from us and died because the mother was mentally ill and didn`t feed it. That year I worked extra-hard at school because I felt the responsibility to do something for my lost brother. If someone dies, you carry this burden around with you. And this can become a reason for you to live and work harder. I`ve totally forgotten about him. I haven`t thought about him in years.
The bullied me all the way through highschool had no confidence, but always something to hold on to. The me in university lost everything. His faith, his dreams, his family, the ability to feel real and intense emotions.
I went to Japan to change my life. It was time to leave my f****ng hometown and be on my own. Yeah, great. Nothing really changed. Japan was great, but even there I couldn`t find confidence or goals. Well, I did learn one thing: Wherever you go, your problems never change. You are who you are.
I returned back home to live with my mother. I had no job, no ambitions and credit card debts from my time in Japan.
I didn`t feel the motivation or energy to find a new job or do something else. Most of my friends have left. No revolutions left for us. We finally became "ordinary" people. Without dreams.
I gave university a second try. I gave filmmaking a second try. And I failed again. A few years have passed, but I haven`t changed. The old me is still there. The me without fire and passion in his heart. I don`t even dare to talk about my dream of becoming a filmmaker. I can`t take myself seriously anymore. How can other people take me serious?
The warriorforum seemed like paradise when I found it. Time for me to start a new life. I met a wonderful person that thought of me as someone special. She believes that I have the potential to be a great artist and a great person. We moved together and for the first time in years, there was something like a fire burning inside of me. I should believe in myself, I should work hard and move forward on my way. I have to pay the rent now, so working a few hours at a fast food joint restaurant won`t cut it anymore. I`m not a teenager anymore, I should try to make something out of my life. But how to find a decent job without a degree or work experience? Nobody cares about the English lessons I gave in Japan.
The answer: Internet Marketing. I sucked up all the information that I could find. Yes, that`s it. I can do this. I will make a lot of money, prove to all the people out there that I`m not a loser. I will have the time to shoot films, I will educate myself and learn new things everyday, I will become a confident person with pride and lead a perfect relationship with a wonderful woman. Finally I`ve made up my mind to become an adult.
Just like with everything else in my life, things just went downhill. Every mistake that one could make with IM, I made it. Spent hundreds of dollards on information products, bought into everything that looked like a magic pill (yes, there`s a lot of trash and scam out there in the IM world), made hundreds of plans and never got anything done. I started several blogs, wrote a few bum marketing articles, started a few ebooks/reports that were never finished, and so on.
All the happiness that I saw coming into my life just passed me by and left through the back door. Nothing was meant to stay.
My girlfriend lost faith in me, and I became afraid of taking the word dream into my mouth. How often can you dream a shattered dream?
After six months I gave up IM and found a decent part-time job that pays the rent and part of my debt. I earn around 1000$ with that job, another job at a fast food restaurant pays another 600$. Enough to survive and continue your life. Temporarily.
But things just didn`t stay like that. That`s why I`m finally back at the warriorforum.
I don`t have the fast food job anymore. Just 1000$ income per month. And my girlfriend has moved out. The apartment is 800$ a month. And things have been like this for half a year. I felt paralyzed. For the first time in my life, felt totally lost. I don`t even have enough money to live, how am I supposed to pay off my debt?
I`ve found a link to a John Reese video where he talked about the time where he was in debt. After a certain point you just don`t care about anything anymore. You just stop open the letters that arrive. Same here. I was afraid to open the letters, so many bills to pay. And there was no energy left to move on.
I just had a phone call with my girlfriend yesterday. She called me pathetic. Usually people would do something when they get into a situation like me. "Damn, time to get a job and work hard." But I just closed myself off from the outer world, buried my head in the sand.
The thing is that I do know that I`m doing something wrong. I do know that I should`ve been looking for a new and better job a long time ago. I know that other people are working two or three jobs to make a living. I just didn`t feel any energy to get up and change anything about my life. It`s as if this lies in my family. My mother has no money, my sister is in debt (but working, the only one with a proper job) and my father`s dream of his own business was smashed into pieces (60.000$ in debt). None of my friends has any money or a proper job. I`m surrounded by financial failures. Not a single role model around.
And the friends on the art side loathe money and business. Money is the root of all evil. And people coming from rich families can`t act as role models for me.
My girlfriend and my sister are the only two people I know with a proper job. And my sister`s not even doing that well (rent in London is pretty high). And for some reason I can`t see my girlfriend as a role model. She wants me to become a white-collar worker. I should grow up and forget about all the childish dreams of filmmaking and internet marketing. That`s all crap.
How can I do this? If I throw away my dreams, what`s there to be left of me?
I felt really sick last month and became paranoid. I felt caught in this little town that I`ve spent all my life in. The apartment that I can`t afford to pay anymore feels like a prison cell to me. So I booked a flight and went away for two weeks. Without clear destinations, I just travelled from one place to another. I was scared because I had no money. And I had never been the type to travel around (never really had money to do so). I didn`t expect the sense of freedom that I felt. Nobody knows me out there. I felt frustration and anger when I missed a train, couldn`t find a place to sleep, ran out of money. But I also felt happiness. About me being alive, and I felt grateful for all the people that I met. Travelling is like life. You set up on you journey and you never know how things will turn out. Even with a fixed destination. Places unknown to you become familiar places, people that didn`t like each other will have gotten close to each other within a day. Staying with the same people at the same hostel for two days and the place begins to feel like a new home to you, a few days travelling feel like a year in real-life. Life has so much to offer, I felt so many emotions during these two weeks, I felt alive. And I felt grateful that I was alive. And ashamed because I`ve wasted all these years without realizing the things that are out there.
I came back with more debt (add to the above figure another 600-700$, I`m not sure), but a clear head. And I have to use this to my advantage before I get caught up in the old routines and habits again. It helps that I don`t have internet at home, right now. Helps me to stay focussed.
I need a dream. Filmmaking. I buried it, but this dream has been inside of me for nearly ten years. And it`s still alive.
There is no life without a dream.
And I desperately need to get my finances handled. To live from day to day with peace of mind. In fact, I want to be wealthy. I`m not ashamed to say that anymore. I don`t want to live a life where I`m afraid of the letters in my mailbox. And I don`t want a life where I have to tell my girlfriend that I`m not interested in eating out with her (because I can`t afford to go to a restaurant). And I`d love to live a life where I can travel around every now and then without accumulating credit card debts.
I felt horrible when my sister couldn`t pay her university fees a few years back (complicated story). If I just had a 1000$ on my bank account, I could have helped her out. Instead she had to get help from someone else.
It hurts to think about the car accident that my father got into. His business is not doing well, and he didn`t have health insurance.
There`s nothing cool about not having money.
I want to give IM another try. I don`t know what I`m going to do, but I`m going to work hard.
There`s no magic pill. I know that by now.
I didn`t write this post to beg for help. I`m writing this for myself. I`ve always ignored the situation that I`m in. I would complain about my situation because it feels good to complain. You don`t need to do anything else.
I would complain, but I wouldn`t face the situation. This rather jumbled and mindless post was a way for me to let my thoughts out of my head for a moment. It doesn`t really make any sense, and I don`t know why any of you should read this. There is no value to this post for anyone but me.
But doing this makes me feel free. I feel as if a burden has been lifted off my shoulders now that I see several things written down.
I know that I`m not a loser. There are things that I can do. I`ve read a lot and I can absorb information very fast. I love writing, but I have to work on my writing skills. And I can put a lot of energy and time into the things that I`m passionate about. I can sit down and read dozens of books on films and movie directors that I love (Japanese films, Cassavetes, Bresson, Tsukamoto,etc.) over and over again until I have internalized the information in there. I`ve taught myself Japanese. Spoken and written Japanese.
And yet, I don`t have a proper job to pay my rent.
I don`t have any clear plans for IM yet. I need more time to think something out. I`ve been to the warriorforum a few times recently. I haven`t been in touch with the IM world for over a year. This might be a good thing. Information overload definitely was a problem last year. If there`s one thing that I can recommend to newcomers, it`s this: Action is the answer. Focussed action. There is no place for perfectionism in a beginner`s world. And you will never find certainty before you take action. I`ve spent hundreds of dollars on information products, ebooks, WSOs and whatever. I never found the certainty to act that I was looking for. Looking back I have to say that most of the knowledge in these ebooks could`ve been found on the warriorforum for free.
I did everything and nothing. Blogging, bum marketing (usfreeads, ezinearticles, goarticles), affiliate marketing, adsense, article writing and I had nothing in the end. I can tell people not to make the same mistake, but it will be of no help I guess. I`ve heard the same advice when I came here. Didn`t help me at all. Copywriting does work.
It`s a good thing that I`ve been absent from this world for a while. That has cleared my brain from all the noise I had accumulated with regards to IM.. A new chance. A new beginning.
For the time being, I`m planning to write articles that I will sell. This seems to be the easiest way to get started. Easier than bum marketing. Writing articles is not my strength. I will get a chance to practise writing, while I can improve my command of the English language and grammar. And punctuation (any books you can recommend for punctuation?) As I get into a routine I will see what possibilities there are in the IM world. Back at square one. I will learn everything anew. And hopefully find a good business model in a few months. I don`t want to make quick bucks. I want to find a sustainable business model. If this takes time, so be it.
I`ve called my banks to negotiate my monthly payments. 6000$-7000$ debt might not sound like a lot to people on this board, to a person like me that sounds like a debt for lifetime. People here talk about earning 1000$ a day! My income goals for IM are rather low. 1500$/month would be terrific. And I have yet to earn my 100$. That would be reason enough for me to celebrate.
If I work hard, the day will come where I have earned 1500$ in a single month.
What IM is selling to people like me is hope. Hope keeps one alive. The only way for me to pove that this hope is real is to become a succesful warrior.
I want to sincerely express my gratitude to the warriorforum. I feel grateful for the existence of this place on the internet. And I feel grateful that I have found this place.
The only way for me to express this gratitude is to work hard to make a living online. To see that this is not just a fantasy and to prove that I`ve learnt something here.
Yours,
Tom Vo,
a Warrior
This is rather personal, so there`s not much to learn here. And this is a long post (4254 words). If you have the patience, read on. I`m not sure if this is the right forum for this. It`s not off-topic, because it`s about IM somehow. But the main forum doesn`t feel that right either. Move it or remove it if it`s unappropriate. The most important thing for me was to write this down. I feel more at ease now. I should`ve done this a long time ago.
6417.77$ in debt
That`s what I just found out.
I joined the Warriorforum last year in February or March. I don`t remember. I was at a threshold back then, I needed to do something to change my life, but I didn`t know what.
http://www.warriorforum.com/FORUM/to...OPIC_ID=139679
StrathClyde Introduction thread
13.03.2007
Welcome!
I'm another newcomer to IM. It's just been a day since I joined the Warrior Forum and I'm already thinking that I have what it takes to be succesful with IM. Just like you I feel very excited about the possibilities in this new world.
Good luck on your new path!
watashimo
I discovered Personal Development, I discovered Internet Marketing, and I discovered the WarriorForum. I thought that I`ve discovered a new world, the solution to all my problems. Yes, finally, now I know what I`e been looking for all my life.
Three years ago I dropped out of university because I didn`t know what I really wanted to do in life. Studying at university didn`t seem to be the answer. Not studying, hanging around with your friends playing slackers didn`t seem to be the answer either. I was living at home back then, so money has never been an issue for me. Whatever I earned, was used up in an instant. DVDs, a new computer, going out, I guess I never really learnt how use money. I later learnt the term financial illiteracy. That`s what I`ve been for my whole life. I had an savings account that my parents opened up for me. It was used up during and after highschool. Driver`s licence and such. And when I had the right to decide for myself, I decided against a savings account. I don`t need an emergency fund. For what? I`m a young student living at home, there are no worries.
And then, I had dreams of becoming a movie director. To be an artist and to be free, the ideals I hold highest in my life. My social circle was not that different from me. We all had artistic aspirations (be it music or film) and none of us wanted to be assimilated by society.
I failed to get into filmschool. So I had to study something else. Not studying was not an option. My parents had high hopes for my future. Just as my relatives and everybody else that knew me back since elementary school. I have to live up to their expectations, right? I felt that I owed them someting.
I`ve always been an outsider in school, respected by most, but not really accepted in any group. So I spent most of my highschool days studying, watching films, reading, writing (wanted to be a writer in highschool) while everybody was out partying, having fun, making out, whatever. Not me, I was different. I didn`t fit into this typical highschool setting. I always told people that I like the way things are, I don`t want to be like all these superficial guys, going out partying, getting drunk, doing stupid things. But deep inside, I admired them somehow. I wanted to go out and have fun like them. It`s just that the fear of rejection was overwhelming. If I just had the self-confidence to change. So I kept up my image and stayed on my own.
Then I met other people who were like me in the sense that they were outsiders. But they were proud of their status, which made them cool. This helped me develop some self-confidence. The model-student began to turn against society. I didn`t go out and became a rebel, but my attitude changed. I began to criticize society, school, and everything that was popular and common. The films I watched were different, my opinions were different, I would write texts where I criticize the school system, teachers or my class. Society in general was the enemy. I`ve spent most of life reading books, so words were a weapon that I knew how to use. And money was something superficial that people like me don`t really need. Actually, money is something to be ashamed of. By the time I graduated from highschool I had become one of the "cool" guys (well, some aspects of my personality at least). If only partially for some of the things I did , but fact was that some of the cool guys did show some respect. I didn`t become more social though.
Highschool hell was over. I was ready to conquer the world. Then reality kicked in. I couldn`t get into filmschool. My best friend with whom I wanted to conquer the filmworld moved to another city to do an internship at a filmstudio to gain some experience. And the old me came out again. I just didn`t have the courage to do the same. To go out and fight. Instead I decided to stay at home and live up to the expectations of my parents and relatives. I`d go to university and study something like computer science. And get a good job afterwards. Films are something that I could do on the side. I should have known better. I should have known that this was something that couldn`t work out.
I was studying something that I didn`t like, trying to ignore the things that I was passionate about. Being creative, writing, and shooting films. I don`t think that computer science was that difficult, I just didn`t have any real motivation to study. I suppressed the things I love and lead a life that wasn`t mine.
Then my parents got divorced. My whole world was breaking down. Who am I doing all this for? I don`t care about university, but you guys always told me to give my best, to go to university, to find a good job, get a family, buy a house and whatever. We`re family, we will always support each other. You told me to trust you, you know what you`re talking about. And now you`re getting a divorce?!? WTF? Are you kidding? What am I supposed to do now?
The old me returned. The wannabe-rebel. The anger following the divorce gave me the energy to shoot films and go out. I wanted to fight and destroy something. Standing still was not an option. And I met people that were like me (they had the same attituded, their parents were divorced and we all shared a hatred against society and social conventions). I began to hang out with them. We were dreaming of freedom. And therefore stopped going to university. When I realized that it was over (you can`t be absent from university and expect to graduate), I officially dropped out of university by my own choice (freedom of choice, something to be proud of). We all made this choice together. What a bunch of pathetic losers.
Life should`ve become better. But it didn`t. What am I supposed to be doing now with all the time and freedom that I have? I spent half a year wasting money and time doing nothing. The aspirations to become a movie director were still there, but the passion was lost. I was disappointed by life, my parents, by myself, Life has become a boring mess, nothing was interesting or excited anymore. I just couldn`t get myself to be passionate about anything. For awhile I felt anger, which was good. At least some emotions that I had. When the anger inside me died, there was nothing left to feel.
I never had a lot of self-confidence. I was picked on by other kids in kindergarten. I still remember the four year old me resisting going to kindergarten because I was beaten up the day before. I still remember being bullied in elementary school. I used to hide in a corner somewhere and read Spiderman comics. If some of the older kids found me, the would take my comics away. Spiderman was my hero. I could identify myself with Peter Parker but not once did I feel like Spiderman. Later on I became a fan of Batman. I lost the illusion of the nice world in Spiderman. A world where a a weak college student like Peter Parker could become a hero and ordinary people lead happy lives. The dark knight going to war in the streets of Gotham felt more like my world. This is a war and I`m a soldier fighting in this war. There ain`t a lot of people out there fighting along my side.
I never felt like a warrior.
Even though I never had a lot self-confidence, there were things that I could believe in, things that kept me moving forward. I believed that I was a good boy. A pathetic loser to every single person on the schoolyard, but my parents and all the other adults were giving me the praise to keep this image up. That`s all I had. So I worked hard, did my homework, went to school, went home, read books, watched TV, went to bed. I didn`t even try to open myself up. There`s probably a guy like me at every highschool. The one loser that nobody is talking to, who never had and never will have a girlfriend. I was pretty sure that I will never have a girlfrirend. I mean, girls wouldn`t even talk to me.
Isn`t it amazing that people in such a situation would continue and work harder to maintain this image instead of trying to change? I never tried to change. Even when a really shy girl (that spent most of her days reading books) asked me to go prom with her, I failed. I felt embarrassed. I`ve never been with a girl together, how am I supposed to spend that night with her? And dance with her? She must have felt the same way, and probably worse. In the end, it was her that asked me out. I left before she could even ask me to dance. How painful it must have been for her to stand there all alone, watching all the couples dancing. It broke my heart, when I saw her disappointed face afterwards. Prom night is something special to a girl, and especially to a girl like her. Painful memories. So many years have passed and I can`t get these memories out of my head. I bought her flowers on the following day to apologize, but I never really did apologize to her. She`s working at a bookstore, and I often go there. Out of guilt? I don`t know. Probably. On some days I feel as if I`ve ruined her life. Stupid thoughts. She might be the happiest person on earth by now. I`ve often thought about asking her out. But never did.
All this is going nowhere. There are so many unresolved issues inside of me. More than I thought. The adopted boy that was taken away from us and died because the mother was mentally ill and didn`t feed it. That year I worked extra-hard at school because I felt the responsibility to do something for my lost brother. If someone dies, you carry this burden around with you. And this can become a reason for you to live and work harder. I`ve totally forgotten about him. I haven`t thought about him in years.
The bullied me all the way through highschool had no confidence, but always something to hold on to. The me in university lost everything. His faith, his dreams, his family, the ability to feel real and intense emotions.
I went to Japan to change my life. It was time to leave my f****ng hometown and be on my own. Yeah, great. Nothing really changed. Japan was great, but even there I couldn`t find confidence or goals. Well, I did learn one thing: Wherever you go, your problems never change. You are who you are.
I returned back home to live with my mother. I had no job, no ambitions and credit card debts from my time in Japan.
I didn`t feel the motivation or energy to find a new job or do something else. Most of my friends have left. No revolutions left for us. We finally became "ordinary" people. Without dreams.
I gave university a second try. I gave filmmaking a second try. And I failed again. A few years have passed, but I haven`t changed. The old me is still there. The me without fire and passion in his heart. I don`t even dare to talk about my dream of becoming a filmmaker. I can`t take myself seriously anymore. How can other people take me serious?
The warriorforum seemed like paradise when I found it. Time for me to start a new life. I met a wonderful person that thought of me as someone special. She believes that I have the potential to be a great artist and a great person. We moved together and for the first time in years, there was something like a fire burning inside of me. I should believe in myself, I should work hard and move forward on my way. I have to pay the rent now, so working a few hours at a fast food joint restaurant won`t cut it anymore. I`m not a teenager anymore, I should try to make something out of my life. But how to find a decent job without a degree or work experience? Nobody cares about the English lessons I gave in Japan.
The answer: Internet Marketing. I sucked up all the information that I could find. Yes, that`s it. I can do this. I will make a lot of money, prove to all the people out there that I`m not a loser. I will have the time to shoot films, I will educate myself and learn new things everyday, I will become a confident person with pride and lead a perfect relationship with a wonderful woman. Finally I`ve made up my mind to become an adult.
Just like with everything else in my life, things just went downhill. Every mistake that one could make with IM, I made it. Spent hundreds of dollards on information products, bought into everything that looked like a magic pill (yes, there`s a lot of trash and scam out there in the IM world), made hundreds of plans and never got anything done. I started several blogs, wrote a few bum marketing articles, started a few ebooks/reports that were never finished, and so on.
All the happiness that I saw coming into my life just passed me by and left through the back door. Nothing was meant to stay.
My girlfriend lost faith in me, and I became afraid of taking the word dream into my mouth. How often can you dream a shattered dream?
After six months I gave up IM and found a decent part-time job that pays the rent and part of my debt. I earn around 1000$ with that job, another job at a fast food restaurant pays another 600$. Enough to survive and continue your life. Temporarily.
But things just didn`t stay like that. That`s why I`m finally back at the warriorforum.
I don`t have the fast food job anymore. Just 1000$ income per month. And my girlfriend has moved out. The apartment is 800$ a month. And things have been like this for half a year. I felt paralyzed. For the first time in my life, felt totally lost. I don`t even have enough money to live, how am I supposed to pay off my debt?
I`ve found a link to a John Reese video where he talked about the time where he was in debt. After a certain point you just don`t care about anything anymore. You just stop open the letters that arrive. Same here. I was afraid to open the letters, so many bills to pay. And there was no energy left to move on.
I just had a phone call with my girlfriend yesterday. She called me pathetic. Usually people would do something when they get into a situation like me. "Damn, time to get a job and work hard." But I just closed myself off from the outer world, buried my head in the sand.
The thing is that I do know that I`m doing something wrong. I do know that I should`ve been looking for a new and better job a long time ago. I know that other people are working two or three jobs to make a living. I just didn`t feel any energy to get up and change anything about my life. It`s as if this lies in my family. My mother has no money, my sister is in debt (but working, the only one with a proper job) and my father`s dream of his own business was smashed into pieces (60.000$ in debt). None of my friends has any money or a proper job. I`m surrounded by financial failures. Not a single role model around.
And the friends on the art side loathe money and business. Money is the root of all evil. And people coming from rich families can`t act as role models for me.
My girlfriend and my sister are the only two people I know with a proper job. And my sister`s not even doing that well (rent in London is pretty high). And for some reason I can`t see my girlfriend as a role model. She wants me to become a white-collar worker. I should grow up and forget about all the childish dreams of filmmaking and internet marketing. That`s all crap.
How can I do this? If I throw away my dreams, what`s there to be left of me?
I felt really sick last month and became paranoid. I felt caught in this little town that I`ve spent all my life in. The apartment that I can`t afford to pay anymore feels like a prison cell to me. So I booked a flight and went away for two weeks. Without clear destinations, I just travelled from one place to another. I was scared because I had no money. And I had never been the type to travel around (never really had money to do so). I didn`t expect the sense of freedom that I felt. Nobody knows me out there. I felt frustration and anger when I missed a train, couldn`t find a place to sleep, ran out of money. But I also felt happiness. About me being alive, and I felt grateful for all the people that I met. Travelling is like life. You set up on you journey and you never know how things will turn out. Even with a fixed destination. Places unknown to you become familiar places, people that didn`t like each other will have gotten close to each other within a day. Staying with the same people at the same hostel for two days and the place begins to feel like a new home to you, a few days travelling feel like a year in real-life. Life has so much to offer, I felt so many emotions during these two weeks, I felt alive. And I felt grateful that I was alive. And ashamed because I`ve wasted all these years without realizing the things that are out there.
I came back with more debt (add to the above figure another 600-700$, I`m not sure), but a clear head. And I have to use this to my advantage before I get caught up in the old routines and habits again. It helps that I don`t have internet at home, right now. Helps me to stay focussed.
I need a dream. Filmmaking. I buried it, but this dream has been inside of me for nearly ten years. And it`s still alive.
There is no life without a dream.
And I desperately need to get my finances handled. To live from day to day with peace of mind. In fact, I want to be wealthy. I`m not ashamed to say that anymore. I don`t want to live a life where I`m afraid of the letters in my mailbox. And I don`t want a life where I have to tell my girlfriend that I`m not interested in eating out with her (because I can`t afford to go to a restaurant). And I`d love to live a life where I can travel around every now and then without accumulating credit card debts.
I felt horrible when my sister couldn`t pay her university fees a few years back (complicated story). If I just had a 1000$ on my bank account, I could have helped her out. Instead she had to get help from someone else.
It hurts to think about the car accident that my father got into. His business is not doing well, and he didn`t have health insurance.
There`s nothing cool about not having money.
I want to give IM another try. I don`t know what I`m going to do, but I`m going to work hard.
There`s no magic pill. I know that by now.
I didn`t write this post to beg for help. I`m writing this for myself. I`ve always ignored the situation that I`m in. I would complain about my situation because it feels good to complain. You don`t need to do anything else.
I would complain, but I wouldn`t face the situation. This rather jumbled and mindless post was a way for me to let my thoughts out of my head for a moment. It doesn`t really make any sense, and I don`t know why any of you should read this. There is no value to this post for anyone but me.
But doing this makes me feel free. I feel as if a burden has been lifted off my shoulders now that I see several things written down.
I know that I`m not a loser. There are things that I can do. I`ve read a lot and I can absorb information very fast. I love writing, but I have to work on my writing skills. And I can put a lot of energy and time into the things that I`m passionate about. I can sit down and read dozens of books on films and movie directors that I love (Japanese films, Cassavetes, Bresson, Tsukamoto,etc.) over and over again until I have internalized the information in there. I`ve taught myself Japanese. Spoken and written Japanese.
And yet, I don`t have a proper job to pay my rent.
I don`t have any clear plans for IM yet. I need more time to think something out. I`ve been to the warriorforum a few times recently. I haven`t been in touch with the IM world for over a year. This might be a good thing. Information overload definitely was a problem last year. If there`s one thing that I can recommend to newcomers, it`s this: Action is the answer. Focussed action. There is no place for perfectionism in a beginner`s world. And you will never find certainty before you take action. I`ve spent hundreds of dollars on information products, ebooks, WSOs and whatever. I never found the certainty to act that I was looking for. Looking back I have to say that most of the knowledge in these ebooks could`ve been found on the warriorforum for free.
I did everything and nothing. Blogging, bum marketing (usfreeads, ezinearticles, goarticles), affiliate marketing, adsense, article writing and I had nothing in the end. I can tell people not to make the same mistake, but it will be of no help I guess. I`ve heard the same advice when I came here. Didn`t help me at all. Copywriting does work.
It`s a good thing that I`ve been absent from this world for a while. That has cleared my brain from all the noise I had accumulated with regards to IM.. A new chance. A new beginning.
For the time being, I`m planning to write articles that I will sell. This seems to be the easiest way to get started. Easier than bum marketing. Writing articles is not my strength. I will get a chance to practise writing, while I can improve my command of the English language and grammar. And punctuation (any books you can recommend for punctuation?) As I get into a routine I will see what possibilities there are in the IM world. Back at square one. I will learn everything anew. And hopefully find a good business model in a few months. I don`t want to make quick bucks. I want to find a sustainable business model. If this takes time, so be it.
I`ve called my banks to negotiate my monthly payments. 6000$-7000$ debt might not sound like a lot to people on this board, to a person like me that sounds like a debt for lifetime. People here talk about earning 1000$ a day! My income goals for IM are rather low. 1500$/month would be terrific. And I have yet to earn my 100$. That would be reason enough for me to celebrate.
If I work hard, the day will come where I have earned 1500$ in a single month.
What IM is selling to people like me is hope. Hope keeps one alive. The only way for me to pove that this hope is real is to become a succesful warrior.
I want to sincerely express my gratitude to the warriorforum. I feel grateful for the existence of this place on the internet. And I feel grateful that I have found this place.
The only way for me to express this gratitude is to work hard to make a living online. To see that this is not just a fantasy and to prove that I`ve learnt something here.
Yours,
Tom Vo,
a Warrior
-Native English College Student
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