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Need a Critique on the sales page. Bash me up if you want.

by freelikehell
8 replies
Hi,
I am about to launch my dear product, and I would definitely need some suggestions on my sales page.
I've created two versions of the sales page.

1) Dumb Affiliate - Affiliate Marketing Tools and Resources. Home of the Dumbest Affiliates Globally.

2) Dumb Affiliate - Affiliate Marketing Tools and Resources. Home of the Dumbest Affiliates Globally.

The first follows slightly on the rich jerk psychology.
The second is a bit more decent, with a different headline.

I need honest reviews as I need good conversions...

Thanks...
#bash #critique #page #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Corwinnx
    Well, my sense of humor borders on cynical and sarcastic most of the time, but I truly have never cottoned to 'insult marketing.'

    In my opinion, it's only effective because of it's 'shock value' and I 'perceive' it as a clever disguise for a lack of skill in copywriting.

    That being said, your copy basically didn't reach me on emotional level. I didn't feel that you had 'empathy for my pain' which is typically the most important message to convey in persuasive writing.

    Parts of the sales letter were cloudy and unclear to me. Often times, it seemed as though a 'thought' or a 'point' was left unfinished.

    It just didn't come across as a 'clean' read to me.

    I like your graphics, but I found them to be too distracting. This was partly because of the layout of the page and the text, and partly because of fonts.

    Copywriting is an art and a science. The art is in the 'visualized story, the empathy, the reaching in and touching RIGHT THERE where you KNOW the 'FRUSTRATION, PAIN, etc' hit the CORE of the reader.

    The science is in knowing things like the size, colors, fonts, where the bullet points need to start, how many there should be for each set of them, where the "Buy Now" call to action goes.

    Personally, I would start this all over from scratch and scrap the whole 'insult marketing' approach. But, that's me. I don't cotton to being insulted, especially by someone who wants to sell me something. It makes me feel like if you already think I'm dumb, then you only want to sell to me because you think your product is only good enough to sell to dumb people and not savvy people.

    Unless you can deliver this kind of message with the comical likeness of Dennis Leary, I'm not buying.

    -Marcus
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    • Profile picture of the author Eric Lorence
      I would have to say #2 as well, I suppose the "jerk" style of in-your-face marketing works for some, but not for me.

      Nice looking design!
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    • Profile picture of the author freelikehell
      Thank you Marcus for your thoughts. I shall definitely keep them in mind while creating the next version of the sales page.
      Basically, the current two versions, are contrasting with respect to 'insulting' the reader, and you might find the second one a bit easy to read.
      I totally agree that the 'rich-jerk' attitude won't work for some.
      But, that only means that it WILL WORK for the 'rest'.

      Could you provide me suggestions for changes in 'headline', 'call-to-action', 'graphics', and 'fonts'.
      I have implemented the most common fonts used in sales pages nowadays. Do let me know which graphics and fonts need to be changed to let it be easy on the eyes?

      Thanks
      Signature

      Most of my time is well spent on curating my online marketing resource for entrepreneurs: Flying Start Online

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      • Profile picture of the author Corwinnx
        Free,

        *phew, tall order there, so I'll take it one at a time to the best of my abilities and for as long as I can stay awake, I was just about to call it a night due to a miserable cold, LOL.

        Headline: What is an affiliate marketer's BIGGEST HEADACHE/HEARTACHE? State it, empathize with it, offer the SOLUTION FOR IT. (I dont' do affiliate marketing, I really have no idea what their biggest headache/heartache is. I can't even tell you my own, cause for me, it's not something I've 'tried' so I've never experienced the frustration.)

        Call To Action: FIRST, I would mention MUCH EARLIER in the sales letter that you are limiting your memberships to only 100 members. I would probably put it directly under the headline, but that would also depend on any other changes you yourself decide to make to the layout of the copy itself.

        Second, I would put a "Buy Here" Command above the bonuses in addition to where you have it now.

        Graphics: I can't really advise on that except with regards to WHERE I would put them. I think they're too 'bunched together' and it makes the copy between them seem like it should be 'overlooked.' The graphics 'dwarf' the copy between them.

        Fonts: Too hard to tell you each and every place I would 'bold, italicize, etc, for the entire letter, but if you send me a PM, I'll give you my email address and if you send the letter itself to me, I'll just do it for you.

        I dont think you necessarily need to 'change' your graphics or fonts, just reorganize them a bit. Like I said, I thinik some of the copy is 'dwarfed' by the graphics.

        The final two things: One, the letter doesn't seem to have a 'conversational flow' to it, which is one of the things that really makes sales copy extremely effective.

        Two, I see quite a few spelling and grammatical errors that I would correct. We all make them, God knows I make a heck of a lot of em and spellcheck is not my friend, LOL, but seeing ( Ill) instead of (I'll) is pretty hard on the eyes. *wink.

        If you send me that PM, I'll try to to do a little tweaking to it and proof it for you. No one can or should ever try to proof their own work. Your brain knows what it's supposed to look like, so your brain just automatically sees it that way.

        -Marcus
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  • Profile picture of the author allb450
    Being I wasn't crazy about the name of the product I was hesitant to even read the sales letter. I do however like the header graphic.
    While neither one kept my attention long enough to read through the entire sales letter, #1 was definitely NOT what I would spend my time reading - too insulting. #2 has a slightly softer approach but I still wasn't feeling it.
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  • Profile picture of the author masteronlineprofits
    Hi

    Cannot say that I am a fan actually. How are you building cusomter loyalty and an ongoing relationship if you start out insulting them? Good layout though
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  • Profile picture of the author cscott5288
    how the frick do you do all those graphics...
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    10 GB Reseller Package for Webmasters <--Become a CB Affiliate and Earn 60% Commission! [CB ID=cscott5288]
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  • Profile picture of the author freelikehell
    I'm really fond of designing and coding. I usually code all the product's backend and members area on my own. (Saves me lots of money .. )
    Although, my friends say that my choice of colors is really pathetic (But, somehow I think its swell)

    Marcus has been really kind to me and he'll proof read the letter (BTW, he has a bad cold. So, please pray he gets well soon .. )

    Anyways, I'm almost on the verge of launching, and shall be creating a WSO, and looking for some email promoters... So, any final words on improving the headline/text etc are appreciable..

    I know its dumb of me to be using such language for prospect clients. But, I definitely KNOW that there ARE people who are actually dumb/lazy/amateur enough, and the product is for them.. Is it justified?
    Although, I would appreciate if someone told me HOW to accomplish all these tasks altogether:
    a) The theme of the site remains intact
    b) The Dumb people DO realize that they ARE dumb and they NEED the product
    c) I don't hurt the prospects' ego/insult them.

    Quite a brainy one there, right?
    Signature

    Most of my time is well spent on curating my online marketing resource for entrepreneurs: Flying Start Online

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