Can someone tell me what I'm doing wrong?

24 replies
Hi there.

I set up my own little sales page with some PLR but am having trouble getting it to convert. Any ideas?

Zero To Fifty - Let Me Show You How To Make $50 A Day - Within 30 Days! My apologies in advance for the exit popups.
#wrong
  • Profile picture of the author Mike Tyler
    While the sales letter is great and all, the sales page could need some improvement. It looks like a blue space-cowboy virgin party or something like that (no offense bro, we are still in the same business).

    Buy yourself a professionally designed sales page (you can get it for as low as $40-60 from warriors).

    So now for the sixty-one million question, how many hopes do your site get daily in average?

    Mike Tyler.
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    • Profile picture of the author RonnyRaygun
      How many hopes? Hops? Visits?

      Site's been up a couple days and I drove 200 visitors once bots were filtered out.

      As for the blue space-cowboy thing, I'm guessing you just mean change the background?

      Everything is written in raw HTML to try and thwart hackers and prevent them from running executable code.
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  • Profile picture of the author Jake Dennert
    Originally Posted by RonnyRaygun View Post

    having trouble getting it to convert. Any ideas?
    Hey Ronny,

    I'll have a look at what you've got...

    ...be back in a few minutes with my thoughts.

    Jake
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    • Profile picture of the author Jake Dennert
      Alright, Ronny...

      The 2 biggest issues I see right off the bat are:

      1) Price confusion

      2) No P.S. at the bottom


      --------------------

      Putting myself in the visitor's shoes, I'm hit with numerous numbers right away: $297, $497, $997... and then you say you'll show me how to do it for as little as $17.

      Personally, I think it's clever what you're doing... but it might also turn prospects off.

      You're giving them a price right away, and then when they come down and see the big $27 staring them in the face... I can visualize a lot of them not wanting to read any further.

      Some will, sure... but I've got a feeling that many will think you lied. (i.e. say $17, and then hit 'em with $27)

      Your prospects might also feel 'tricked' into getting the low price that you promised... because you require them to basically become an affiliate that doesn't get paid to get in at the $17 level.

      If your product is good, people will spread the word and share it with others... IMO it looks a little shady to have that as a requirement (meaning I wouldn't do it myself, to be honest).

      OK, onto the P.S.

      Ironically, this is the 2nd most widely read portion of any sales message.

      Why?

      People scroll... and scroll, and scroll some more.

      They read the headline, maybe a little of your introduction... and when their curiosity is piqued, they start hunting for the price.

      So they shoot down to the bottom... and here's what I recommend Ronny:

      Make your price hard to find.

      There's no need for huge, bold numbers.

      Let 'em scroll... and put a powerful P.S. (hammering home the biggest benefits of what you're offering and recapping the valuable information you've just shared with them) down at the bottom.

      Seeing no price there, either... they'll scroll back up... and BAM, they're back into your sales message.

      ----------------------------

      Here's what I liked about your letter:

      - check marks for bullet points

      Love it.

      Everybody should use check marks... but many don't.

      They're SO much better than the little black dots that you might see in MS Word... because they've got a "Yes" implication tied to them.

      Think about a "to do" list.

      What do you do when you say "Yes, I've got that done"?

      Right, you put a check mark next to it.

      - headline

      While it could be a bit better, I still like it.

      It's got a "conditional headline" feel to it...

      ...or in other words, it's in the format of:

      "Give Me X [something easy and doable], And You'll Get Y [something they want]"


      Those are my initial impressions Ronny.

      Thought I'd take a few minutes and share.


      Any questions, let me know.


      Jake

      (I've honestly seen a lot worse when it comes to sales letters... so please, don't take my thoughts and comments as an attack.)

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      • Profile picture of the author Lambert Klein
        What I don't like is so many popups that tried to hijack me.

        Thought I was going to have to call the FBI to get out of there. LOL
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      • Profile picture of the author WillR
        Originally Posted by Jake Dennert View Post

        Make your price hard to find.

        Seeing no price there, either... they'll scroll back up... and BAM, they're back
        C'mon man, you're not serious? If people can't find the price and want know it there is only one thing they will do. They will click on the order button and be taken away from your sales message. Copywriting rule 101. Never take people away from your sales copy. Chances are you will never get them back.
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        • Profile picture of the author Jake Dennert
          Originally Posted by WillR View Post

          C'mon man, you're not serious? If people can't find the price and want know it there is only one thing they will do. They will click on the order button and be taken away from your sales message. Copywriting rule 101. Never take people away from your sales copy. Chances are you will never get them back.
          Yes Will, I am serious.

          It seems you've neglected to proof-read your attempt to educate me on Copywriting.

          You said:

          "They will click on the order button and be taken away from your sales message."

          Last I checked, that was the idea Will - to get visitors to click the order button.

          Would you agree?

          Maybe you meant to say the "back button"...

          ...either way, I'd appreciate a little more thought before you jumped at the chance to correct something that didn't need correcting in the first place.

          You're absolutely right - taking visitors away from the copy is the last thing you want to do, and no... you probably won't get them back once they do leave.

          The OP didn't have a P.S. at first, and that was my main recommendation. I imagine you're aware of how important the P.S. really is... and if you check again, you'll see that I wasn't advising anything about taking visitors "away from the sales copy."

          If you know what you're doing, you can use the P.S. as a way to suck the skimmers back IN to the sales copy.

          (And by not advertising the price tag like a road-side billboard, the price can be something that they actually scroll back up to find)

          But hey, no hard feelings Will.

          I've got gator skin.


          Jake
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          • Profile picture of the author WillR
            Originally Posted by Jake Dennert View Post

            ...either way, I'd appreciate a little more thought before you jumped at the chance to correct something that didn't need correcting in the first place.
            Jake,

            Sorry, maybe I read things incorrectly and if I did I apologize. But I thought you said... and I quote:

            Make your price hard to find.

            There's no need for huge, bold numbers.

            Let 'em scroll... and put a powerful P.S. (hammering home the biggest benefits of what you're offering and recapping the valuable information you've just shared with them) down at the bottom.

            Seeing no price there, either... they'll scroll back up... and BAM, they're back into your sales message.
            No one is going to invest their time in the sales message if they know they can't afford what is being sold. I don't go looking around Porsche shops every weekend because I know I can't afford one. It's the reason we all go straight down to the bottom to look at the price after reading the headline, as you correctly stated. If people are taken in by the headline and opening copy, the next thing they are going to do is scroll through and look for the price. If the price is right then, and only then, will they commit some more time to reading the sales message.

            But... they will NOT scroll back up if they cannot find the price, they will do exactly what I do. They will click on the order button to go and find out the price. I did this exact same thing yesterday with a product and once I saw the price I closed the window. Yes, we want them to click on the order button but NOT until they have read the sales message otherwise they are unqualified and not going to purchase.

            Hiding the price is only going to send people AWAY from your sales message. Good copywriting will not send people away from the page. You only have ONE chance to deliver that message and if people click through to the order form it's very likely they will not return.

            I'm not trying to give you a copywriting lesson... but I AM trying to help this guy sell more stuff and I don't believe hiding the price is going to do that.

            P.S. I also find it a little ironic that someone who critiques other people's work for a living can't take a little criticism of their own work. I wrote that as a P.S. because as you correctly stated it's one of the most important parts of the message
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  • Profile picture of the author lkpub
    I agree pretty much with everything Jake said... however, I would like to add those pop ups are the most annoying thing, for me anyway...

    Just my thoughts...

    Linda =}
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  • Profile picture of the author RonnyRaygun
    Thank you all for your comments.

    I made the following changes:

    1) I removed the price confusion at the top showing instead vague values compared with the 'pittance' I am offering.

    2) I added a bunch of "P.S." es to the bottom of the original $27 offer.

    3) I set up a 'secret discount' slightly obscure link at the bottom of the page which reveals the $17 refer-a-friend discount.

    4) I set up the page in such a way that you can disable the popups through this link. Zero To Fifty - Let Me Show You How To Make $50 A Day - Within 30 Days! this link has the popups: Zero To Fifty - Let Me Show You How To Make $50 A Day - Within 30 Days!
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    • Profile picture of the author Jake Dennert
      Originally Posted by RonnyRaygun View Post

      Thank you all for your comments.
      No problem at all, Ronny.

      It's lookin' a lot better.

      I like how you ask "How can you pass on that?" in your P.S.

      One more thing, though:

      Didn't realize the first time I looked it over that you were offering MRR on the report... meaning your customers can turn around and resell it.

      I checked it over again real quick, and I didn't see anything about reselling it until "Part 2" of your P.S. section.

      That's a heck of a benefit for customers, wouldn't you say? To be able to turn around and resell your report, making their investment back immediately?

      Why not mention that earlier on as well? (If you can weave it in there somewhere)

      Just a thought...


      Nice work, Ronny.


      Jake
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      • Profile picture of the author RonnyRaygun
        Originally Posted by Jake Dennert View Post

        No problem at all, Ronny.

        It's lookin' a lot better.

        I like how you ask "How can you pass on that?" in your P.S.

        One more thing, though:

        Didn't realize the first time I looked it over that you were offering MRR on the report... meaning your customers can turn around and resell it.

        I checked it over again real quick, and I didn't see anything about reselling it until "Part 2" of your P.S. section.

        That's a heck of a benefit for customers, wouldn't you say? To be able to turn around and resell your report, making their investment back immediately?

        Why not mention that earlier on as well? (If you can weave it in there somewhere)

        Just a thought...


        Nice work, Ronny.


        Jake
        I'm targeting casual youtube browsers who are watching videos on making money online. We are more familiar with industry terms such as 'MRR', 'PLR' WSO, SEO, SEM, PPC, PPV, CTR, CPC, CPA, etc etc. I'm not sure if they're familiar with such content, and more importantly if I should teach them in the salespage.

        I'm currently working on spreading out my youtube campaign so that I get the recommended 1000-2000 visitors to this first page to get a reasonable sample as recommended by WillR (Thanks!!) then I'll start adding these recommended tweaks using google's website optimizer. I'm also looking for tools to let me 'watch' my visitors as they read through the salespage.

        Any recommendations?
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        • Profile picture of the author Azarna
          A very quick google shows that there are loads of other people selling this wiht the exact same claims. In other words all that stuff about how you discovered this secret, and how you are earning thousands is all lies, isn't it?

          I am not the only person who googles things that sound suspect - and bang goes your initegrity.
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        • Profile picture of the author Ralph Moore
          You might want to think about adding an earnings disclaimer and privacy policy link to appropriate pages at the very bottom of the page so you don't get shut down before you really get started.

          Also, you need a guarantee / refund statement.
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        • Profile picture of the author WillR
          Originally Posted by RonnyRaygun View Post

          I'm currently working on spreading out my youtube campaign so that I get the recommended 1000-2000 visitors to this first page to get a reasonable sample as recommended by WillR (Thanks!!) then I'll start adding these recommended tweaks using google's website optimizer.
          You should ALWAYS be testing at least one thing if you are sending ANY traffic to your page. I would immediately implement Google Website Optimizer and test an exact replica of the page with the only difference being a new headline.

          The headline is the first AND most important thing to test. It will make the biggest difference. Just be sure to only ever change one thing at a time so you know exactly what is and is not working.
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  • Profile picture of the author WillR
    First of all 200 visitors is a VERY small sample group and you should not be drawing any conclusions until you've had about 5 to 10 times that amount of traffic.

    Second problem is your headline. No one is going to read your salespage if the headline does not speak to them. I am guessing a product like this would be targeting the type of person who wants to start making money online right away with as little work as possible. The words "in 30 days" make this feel like it's going to take a lot of work and a lot of time before I start seeing any results. This headline is probably scaring most people away.

    If the headline is not good it doesn't matter what else you have on the page or how your page looks... no one is going to read it.
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  • Profile picture of the author TopKat22
    If I had come to this site I would have bounced off immediately, it just seemed like every other sales page with an ebook on how to make money which there are tons of available for free.

    I think you need a better headline and somehow come up with something that makes you stand out, something extra or copy that somehow explains how this is special.

    Or target just the newbie market who maybe haven't already been saturated by pages like this.
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  • Profile picture of the author RonnyRaygun
    Okay, linked to my privacy policy and earnings disclaimer.

    Set up an experiment testing a variation of the original page. Do I have to manually split traffic between the two pages? Or will Google take care of that?
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    • Profile picture of the author jbandy98
      I think your page is looking very good. It has a lot of catchy phrases and thinks that make people interested in the product. I think a few more details never hurt on what your program will provide, maybe even some more sample teaser content. Overall, good job and hope you start seeing some success!
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      • Profile picture of the author Azarna
        Zero To Fifty - Let Me Show You How To Make $50 A Day - Within 30 Days!

        This is another reason why it is not converting. There are loads of this out there. All identical to yours too. But, in this case, cheaper.

        Something original is going to sell better - at least write some new copy and don't just lie that you discovered this when it is so easy to find you didn't.
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        • Profile picture of the author RonnyRaygun
          Originally Posted by Azarna View Post

          Zero To Fifty - Let Me Show You How To Make $50 A Day - Within 30 Days!

          This is another reason why it is not converting. There are loads of this out there. All identical to yours too. But, in this case, cheaper.

          Something original is going to sell better - at least write some new copy and don't just lie that you discovered this when it is so easy to find you didn't.
          I am not denying that this isn't my original sales copy. I am taking advantage of the master resale rights that I got when I myself purchased this course, for what I realize now is more than it's probably worth.

          This is me implementing some of the steps outlined in a WSO--which I think I will get a refund on. I will not identify the WSO until I hear back from the creator. I like to think I'm reasonable enough to give them a chance to help me implement their system.

          I am quite aware of some of the ethical issues surrounding this sales page, and will have other disclaimers added once they're done being drafted. I appreciate your considerable moral compass it's one of my many shortcomings.

          [Edit]

          A thought had occurred to me, and I have a feeling MRR isn't as valuable as giving buyers a chance to become the seller and acquire 100% commissions for themselves without the risk/expense/trouble of setting up their own independent website. Not to mention the potential lost sales by people who conduct the same due diligence that Azarna does.

          So I'm off to look for things of value that I can sell and better follow the advice I give on that website's homepage.
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          • Profile picture of the author Azarna
            Sorry, I wasn't trying to be all 'holier than thou'. I know I am not the only person who does check like this.

            So many adverts have pretty impressive claims, and lots of people like to be sure that they can trust the claims, and the claimant, before parting with their money.

            Also people are canny are want to be sure they are getting the best price. So when selling PLR and MMR products, it does rather end up becoming a race to the bottom on price.

            Finally, I am not sure what the law is regarding using the sales letter that comes with MMR or PLR stuff, when it is giving a story of how someone made a fortune. If you are using that copy, and therefore making it appear that you are the one who earnt that money etc, then I would worry that it was something that could have legal ramifications. This has probably been discussed here already as clearly it is something that must happen a lot. Anyone have links to discussions of this topic?

            Anyway, sorry if I sound like an old school teacher. I never intend to be mean to anyone. I do wish you the best of luck in your ventures, its a cut-throat world out there, and I admire everyone who is taking the initiative to try to cleave their way through it. (hmm, suspect mixed metaphors there, hehe)
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          • Profile picture of the author Azarna
            Duplicate post *slaps her wrist*
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  • Profile picture of the author Jayson Masters
    Originally Posted by RonnyRaygun View Post

    Hi there.

    I set up my own little sales page with some PLR but am having trouble getting it to convert. Any ideas?

    Zero To Fifty - Let Me Show You How To Make $50 A Day - Within 30 Days! My apologies in advance for the exit popups.
    I took a look at it and bounced off almost immediately

    Like the rest said, it's really very sales page-y that gets people to switch off immediately
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