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At first glance (that's all it'll get) it doesn't appear to address any particular problem that a visitor may be experiencing.

As travlinguy says...'there is no headline to speak of'

It certainly doesn't grab a visitor's attention...it is frankly....dull...dull...dull

It's a shame that if you have a great product (and I am happy to believe you) that most visitors will never get to see what it is. It doesn't sizzle at all.

I think you may need to engage the services of a pro copy writer.

She will bring out the compelling message in your product and display and demonstrate it to visitors.

If it's a great product then do yourself a big favour and hire someone to write a great headline and some copy. To be honest even a fairly mediocre copy writer will do a lot better than we can see here.

Ouch....well....you DID ask.

Good luck

yeah there seems to be a "movement" on auto play vids. I've noticed that a lot of the big name gurus use them on their squeeze page and that's ALL THEY HAVE. To me it's a little annoying and I click out immediately.

How much traffic have you driven to this page? Without traffic, the best sales page in the world will disappoint. Rather than scrapping the page why don't you create a couple other alternatives and split test to see what converts. But you need to drive enough traffic to those pages to get any meaningful results.

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Another thing you might want to look into would be ezines targeting people in their 40s and beyond. You can get solo ads relatively (everything is relative) cheap and get the word out that way. But be sure to get someone who knows specifically how to write ezine ads. It's a specialty.

Suellen, I don't mean to be harsh, but it doesn't look like there was much effort put into this sales page. And if I don't see a seller making much of an effort, there's no reason for me to believe I'm worth his/her time, so I'll click away.

The entire page needs to be redesigned to look 100 times more professional and serious. All these cookie cutter sales pages are just internet clutter, and like with Adsense ads, a growing number of people are developing ad page blindness (in some cases, even repulsion). Start with a new design - one that doesn't look like an IM sales page, and work your elements into that design in a way that appeals to you as a customer.

Can you honestly say you'd be compelled to buy from a web page that looked like the one you have?

Please note that the pages comes across as unimaginative. Basically, it is dull. Please do not take offence (offense, as you may spell it in the USA). Please avoid these types of generic, "cookie cutter" websites as there are a seemingly endless amount of these on the internet. Trust me when I tell you from personal, and professional, experience....you have ability to present something that is both professional and effective. Best wishes you.

The problem is the price. $97 is a lot of money. People are sss-stretched sss-so thin in this holiday season. If your price had been $17 I would probably ordered one right away. Still, you might think that your product is worth more money. That very well might be the case. However, many people are poor. Those very few that are rich will probably not order anything anyway.

Hi:

Shireen here :-)

My personal opinion: the headline doesn't catch my attention, I don't really understand what you're trying to tell me.

Perhaps a more direct & specific headline will help..

I'm going to be honest and just recommend a complete overhaul of the sales page. It's your product so you know the value of it, the problem is to get your customers to see the value.

You only have a few seconds to grab your viewer's attention, especially in this market. You have to immediately start to outline what the product will do for the customer. That's all they are really interested in.

The best place to start is your headline, I was on the page for about 10 seconds and didn't know what was being sold or even what market it was for.

Try getting to the 'meat' faster and provide some proof of income if possible.

I'm sure that the product is good, but the marketing is the real hard part.

As for affiliates not using the tools, its a Clickbank product so most affiliates know how to get their hoplink. Also a lot of affiliates don't use the tools anyway because they are generic and they don't want their customers to see the same promotions coming from another marketer and risk losing their credibility with their customers.

Hope that helps...

When I first went to the page on my laptop, I didn't notice the sales page below the video. So I missed it and only went back to it when others were talking about the copy.
This very much seems like the "old" style of copywriting. I find the editorial style of copywriting to work much better.

I would recommend a book called "Attracting Perfect Customers" to help you understand your customers better and Mario Veloso's "Web Copy That Sells" for a better understanding of the editorial approach to copy.

Here are some examples she uses of editorial style headlines:


I am currently rewriting all of my web sites to this style of copy.

Looks like a pretty standard "long sales letter" format to me. Maybe that is the problem? Your target audience is internet marketing people and they have seen these to the max. Maybe you should try something different? Shorter perhaps? Get to the point faster?

Suellen, something doesnt sit well with me here. What am I missing?

You claim "If you are interested in making money on the Internet, you are in the right place.."

But you've made no sales, and you're here, asking us for help?

What gives?

Hi

You've got some great advice on copy writing up there!

Here are some more thoughts.

You chose IM as the niche to target with your product. That is a highly competitive niche with lots of hype. The reason there is such hype is because it is required to sell.

Despite everyone's claims of hating the hype, the reality is that is what sells and in an ultra-competitive market like IM you need every tool in your arsenal.

I read a thread recently where someone was complaining that they needed "hype" to sell their WSO. He had created what he felt was an honest solid product that would sell on its merits. The WSO had informative but not "hypey" sales copy and the OP was active in the WSO thread backing the product.

It sold, but not well. So after a while he changed the subject of his WSO to something like "$10,000+ per month with a solid proven system!" and bumped it. Suddenly his WSO started selling very well.

You may not like the hype, but it is what the IM market responds to. Don't worry- they are used to it.

Mahlon

Hi

"hype" and "false claims" are not the same thing.

I'm just saying, don't be afraid to toot your own horn. I'm not saying make stuff up.

Make the course sound exciting, fun and rewarding.

Mahlon

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Despite the fact that (for me) this is only "another MM clickbank prroduct"...i dont think the 251 are a good number, AT ALL. Actually...it looks like the problem seems to be your promo/traffic/affiliate generation, not the product itself.

You should have MUCH more than a measly 251 hops in 3 weeks.

I dont know what your payout is and what your commission % is...maybe one reason to find there. (Naturally, affiliates go for everything which pays well, regardless of product quality)

Make a product with a $1997 price tag and put on CB, go to JVNotify and promote it, offer $1000 commission per sale...every affiliate, their mama and their pets will promote it simply because the $1000 payout. Sad..but true.

Edit: You are saying you had 66 affiliates signed up and you only got 251 hops in 3 weeks...from the 66 affiliates? This is...totally and way off....there is either a flaw in the tracking or those affiliates don't promote this at all.

Suellen,

Obviously a lot of hard work went into the site. The problem is when two or more minds get together, they form a third mind...a supermind...and the problem is you are all very smart people.

How can that be a problem? It comes across in your copy.

At 53 seconds into the video, I clicked off...had to force myself to watch it all the way...

The problem is the focus of the ad, and tooooo much WE/US...TEAM ClickClarity...and not enough...BENEFIT RIGHT UP FRONT FOR THE READER...

I, being a dumbdowned IMer searching CB for product to sell, would be attracted to a 75% commission...don't know what yours is...

OR a so-called killer ad that converts...TOO early in the game to get that...

You've heard about the headline and opening and video...and ask yourself...

What does the reader care about? YOUR reader isn't the consumer of the product...it is the affiliates at clickbank...

You've missed your target audience...But...it could be two-fold...

There ARE people who are seeking a mature viewpoint on making money online...and the copy as written appeals to a more intellectual crowd...YOU can't be dumbed down, nor can your team...

which creates the pardoxial dilemma for you...

decide who your TARGET market is going to be...do the demographic research and you can't have your cake and eat it too...

The video should start at the 7 minute mark, no disrespect intended to have to watch a talking head for 7 44 is excrutiating and painful...and a talking head who drones...is simply unbearable. The last 44 seconds tells me what I need to know...why not try an under 2 minute video and hit the highlights of what your product can do for me and lose all that babble about who you are .... us, me, us, us, team...blah blah blah...

It sounds as if you have a terrific product...tell us, the reader, what can it do...and you don't need hype or unsubstaniated claims...

you need a better TARGET, a well defined person who is either going to

A. Become an affiliate
B. Buy the product to use the information.

TWO very different animals. There should be Clarity, no ambiguity

And that, is, IN MY OPINION is the problem.

Choose who your customer is and it could be both...but you'll need (probably) different approaches.

Right now, it is an INTELLECTUAL master-mind copy...it needs to be a person to person. PERSONAL.

You need to talk to one READER, one prospect at a time. I disagree with the criticism of length...it is NOT too long...

But there is no reason to read it, for either type of customer you want.

OK, what can you do?

Identify the NICHES of your group so the reader can find one to relate with..

Try different headlines, shorten the video...

ALLOW THESE 8 INTERNET MARKETING SUCCESSES TO SHARE THEIR SECRETS WITH YOU...READ ON TO DISCOVER THEIR SECRETS

If you are looking for real guidance to find Internet Marketing Success, learn from real people who have done it, like Kristi Tornabene of
HEALTH SUCCESS.

Kristi was once seeking blah, blah blah...

or Bill Hildebrand, a retired blah blah blah...

See? It is more relatable to the reader.

I don't care about groups, but I do like to read about people and their successes.

OR, We all were newbies, struggling with our Internet Marketing...we've walked the path to success and now we light the way for your IM success.

It wasn't easy for us. We didn't have experienced people to follow.

But now it can be easy for you because we've joined forces to bring the very best of what we've learned to you.

OR...Faster Success in IM comes from following the steps of successful people...

so, you can "hype" up the headline, so to speak, without the hype and outrageous claims the grandfathered in CB IMers use.

BOTTOM LINE:

As a group, you are BORING.
As individuals, you are a neat group of people.

Let your PERSONAL stories touch the emotional hot buttons of either

your affiliates
your IM wannabee successes

gjabiz

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Hi Suellen, I thought I'd add my thoughts. I'm pretty much an IM newbie so I had a look at your sales page as someone who you'd probably be wanting to target. Rather than giving you expert opinions, here's what I thought.

As others have said, there's no clear heading. It seems there are 2 competing headings "Why excuses won't work anymore" and "Its time to stop dreaming..." but neither is very persuasive or strong. They don't really compel me to want to watch the video.

As for the video itself, I've got Flash disabled in my browser, because I've been doing a lot of reseach into IM lately and I'm sick of autoplay videos, so the best way to combat them is to disable Flash altogether (makes my browser run so much faster too)!!

Also your copy is far too long. There seems to be pages and pages of text there and without meaning to be rude, I don't have the time to read so much, and again there's nothing to compel me to read it all.

Your wording in the copy is also very soft and gentle. This is nice in a way as it gives a friendly feel, however your niche is very cut-throat and there's no room for warm and fuzzy sadly

I think you need to condense your main messages, cut out a lot of the text and really drive the message home with short, sharp sentences and use persuasive language.

Finally, I think your price is very high. You might have a brilliant course that you're selling, however I don't think many people will be willing to take a chance and pay nearly $100. Its up to you whether you want to sell 1@$100 or 10 @ $10. Obviously it'll be easier to get people to pay $10 then it will to get people to pay $100.

You'll probably think that its criminal to give away your course so dirt cheap, but hey its better to make many smaller sales than 1 big one. Look at the iPhone App Store, the biggest selling apps are the 99c apps! Angry Birds for example, only 99c, they've made millions!

I think when aiming at newbies you should make the price so low that they won't need to think twice about buying and then you should see sales starting to flow!

Hope this helps somewhat, feel free to ask me about any other thoughts if you're interested in the way I'm seeing it

I've seen several comments about the copy being too long. I don't necessarily agree. This is a $97 sale. And more often than not, the higher the price tag, the longer the copy must be.

But there is a way to make the copy appeal to both those who want it short and to those who need every last detail. And that's with formatting.

Make the copy as long as it needs to be to make the sale. But it needs to be broken into bite sized pieces. It needs very short paragraphs, two or three sentences. It needs a paragraph header for every two or three paragraphs. It needs a little cliff hanger at the end of each of the paragraphs to get the reader to want to read the next one.



It needs lots of visuals. It needs relevant, compelling bullet points. It needs tables and boxes displaying the high points of the offer. Most people read a sales page like this:

• Headline. If this catches their interest they go to...
• Price and/or Postscript... If you still have them they'll look at...
• Bullets and highlighted copy, including paragraph headers...

Some people will be sold on this stuff alone. Others will read everything, sometimes multiple times.

When a page is set up like this the length doesn't really matter because people in a hurry can get virtually everything they need by scanning the headers, bullets and stuff contained in the boxes and tables.

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Hi Suellen, sorry I didn't mean to devalue your course in my example when I said $100 vs $10. It was intended as an example, just saying about how its easier to sell higher volume at a lower price instead of fewer copies at a higher price.

I agree that $10 is definitely too low and the current price too high. Although with the guarantee in place, that might reassure some people that were sitting on the fence to give it a go.

Personally, when I've seen many sales pages in the past I've always doubted whether there is any chance of getting your money back with the guarantees that some marketers state! Hopefully people will have more confidence in the guarantee when they realise the payment is being processed by Clickbank.

You can insert the testimony into your video. It is a powerful tool to capture visitors' attention. I have seen other fantastic sale pages, and they have made a good job on that (on selling part).

To me it looked like a poorly formatted squeeze page...I didn't even realize there was any copy below. A header with your logo would help a lot.

Personally I would never have touched your product due to the video that you have on your site that auto starts - I find this very off putting.

You also need a catchy headline.

So you think pasting pictures of big bank accounts is unethical, and yet you are on a forum asking for marketing help, when you are selling an internet marketing "secrets" product for $97???

If you have so much marketing knowledge, why not use your super secrets??

No offence, but I wouldn't buy an internet marketing product from someone who is asking for help about the very thing they are trying to sell.

Hi Suellen,

I got the same squeeze page impression as Drew and wondered why
there was a payment button where a web form would normally be.

First impressions are extremely important, especially on the Internet
where people tend to be impatient. That's why you should use the
"above the fold" real estate of the sales page to grab the viewer's
attention and draw them into the copy.

You could begin with a compelling headline statement or question that
isolates a particular problem your ideal visitor would be struggling with.
Your secondary statement could suggest a solution the reader would
enjoy by using your product.

In the first few seconds of reading, the viewer must get a clear sense of
what the page is about, and be able to decide whether or not the subject
pertains to her; otherwise, there'll be no need to read further.

There are many useful and practical suggestions in this thread that could help
your page's performance. Hope things work out for you!

Hermas