Please Review My (Updated) Sales Page

Hi, Ted,

This looks like a lot of the sites that are given out with plr products.

You are trying to deliver a life saving message and it seems to me like you might use the same type of sales page for selling chewing gum.

You have an excellent graphic comparing healthy and diseased lungs but it is tiny, right at the top of the page and forgotten by the time you get to the buy now button.

Your message is diluted - almost as though you are afraid that you might offend someone if you used strong words.

"Do you want your kids to graduate - wishing that you were there to see them?"
"Do you want your grand children to be denied the chance to meet you?"
"If suicide is a crime - will you be liable for prosecution?!"
"Do you blush when someone says 'What's that smell?' because it is your clothes?
"Do you really want to give your kids passive smoke every day?
"Do you really want them to suffer the health problems that you are inflicting upon yourself?"

People reading adverts for quit smoking products are looking for a wake up call - you are not even trying.

And why is your pie chart so out of date?

Hi,

You make some good arguments on your site, but it seems to lack the
punch that would really make a smoker think.

I'm an ex-smoker and like so many others I'm sure, I would just look at
those images and fully believe it just wouldn't happen to me. In fact,
that's exactly how I DID think back then.

Perhaps a more effective approach would be to focus on the pain and
suffering their families would go through -

You lying in a hospital bed, a mere skeleton beneath the flimsy sheet,
barely able to breathe. (When I saw this for real - a man with his sunken
eye sockets, drawn cheeks, yellowed skin - and his family sitting around
his bed sobbing as they waited for him to die, believe me it struck home.)

Talk about that. Talk about how you will be missed by your children at
their graduation (not what the smoker will miss by not being there).
Talk about grandchildren and how they will miss all your affections and
knowledge. And the grandchildren, talk about what they'll miss by your
absence.

Talk about a spouse having to take care of the funeral and all the legal
matters when you're gone. Talk about the pain of grief that they will
suffer for the next few years.

Talk about that, and you will have a compelling message that any
smoker would be downright stupid not to hear.

Sylvia

Hi All,

Thank you very much for the reviews.

artwebster= you have given me several great things to work on. Several other people have said as much on my other page that was much tamer. I will rectify that tonight.

sylviad= You are right. I do have a couple of stories like that with my brother-in-law and my sister, his wife. The story about my sister is still painful, but that might help get the message across.


I will make the changes and put it up for review again.

No...he should focus more on the end result that his guide will ultimately deliver them...not the benefits of the product itself. People don't wanna buy products...they wanna buy RESULTS

Ted-

This is a decent looking page, especially for
a first shot. But the copy definitely needs
work to make serious money.

First of all, you may want to try for a new
headline. I don't think the one you have pulls
anyone in. You need to speak to them directly
and make them want to read on. You can
also use a prehead and a subhead to do this.

I'd get rid of the lung photo at the top too.
It breaks the flow immediately, just when
you want to start establishing things...A
snap like that could work well, but use it later
on, put it to the side of the copy, and
caption it. Captions almost always get read,
and this picture could be good for shock factor.

I'd also remove the block of questions below it.
I don't think this is going to help you in any
way. The questions can be used to qualify
people, but you really need to qualify people
ahead of that point.

There are a lot of issues with your lead
paragraphs. Those pics make it very difficult
to work out where a reader should go next. A
confused reader is a reader who won't be reading
for much longer, so I'd remove them.

Instead, go for some super hard hitting copy
to bring the reader into the main body of the
letter. At this stage of the copy, you want
short, punchy sentences that are easy to
read and don't make the page look too full
of text.

I'd also remove the block of stats just above
the pie chart. Stats can be brilliantly useful
in copy, but a block of them before you've
established any connection or relationship
with the reader will kill the whole thing
before it starts.

Instead of having stats there, speak to the
reader about the effects of smoking in their
lives. Draw them pictures, make it visual.
Smoking's a pretty filthy habit when you look
at it, so it won't be hard to paint a gritty,
realistic picture that resonates with them.

That's about all I have time for now Ted...I've
just realised the clocks have gone forward
here in the UK, so I need my beauty sleep
more than ever lol.

Good luck.

-David Raybould

testimonials are a great idea, maybe also embed a youtube video

Wow ... looking at some of those pictures would do for me though.

I think you need to get to the point.
Focus on YOUR guide a little more.
Tell the reader what to do.
Add testimonials.

Just My Thoughts
Fran

Yeah I think it's a reasonably good sales letter. You'll definitely convert some prospects. I would go with a completely different approach though.

I'm a smoker who is thinking about giving up and I don't think your sales letter is compelling at all. Actually I think it's patronizing. Why? Because like many people who smoke - I already know about all the bad health problems. I'm told about them all the time. And of course I don't want to blooming die young from smoking. (Duh.) And I definitely don't want to play games with my life.

I would go with a headline something along the lines of:

"If You Haven't Managed To Quit Smoking Yet It's Not
Your Fault. There's Something You Need To Know -
Right Now - That Will Help You Quit Today."

(Then you could go into the psychological addiction of smoking or something like that and how you product can help people quit.)

I wouldn't necessarily recommend that you use that headline because it's something I've made up off the top of my head. The point that I want to illustrate is that you're focusing on why it's not smokers' fault. We're the "victims." Understand? I think that would be a much better approach.

Few things I would change and focus on just my input however
1. You currently have no opt in form a visitors has to look at your site and want to buy right off the bat. Offer something of value for free perhaps one of your best ways to quit smoking in exchange for their name and email then sell them the full product build yourself a list

2. Header image is the first thing people see I would spend the money for a better designer to spice it up a bit most visitors come to your site for 3 seconds your header image is whats going to make them stay or leave

3. Your main header text of "Do You Want To Die Young From Smoking Cigarettes, Or Do You Want To Live And Enjoy Your Children And Grandchildren? I would change to something that has these key things *Identifies the issue at hand *what it is your offering * Why do they need it

hope this helps

Hi, Ted.

The green background reminds me of happy green fields... inappropriate for your health warnings approach.

The series title and "vol. 2" adds no value to this offer, and introduces confusion about what is vol. 1 and does it have to be purchased first.

I think many smokers are already aware of the health risks. What you don't mention is what techniques many smokers try to quit, that don't work; how to deal with the physiological withdrawal from the physical aspects of nicotine addiction; the list of techniques that your approach is not, so that people who've tried something before and don't want to use it again will be aware they are getting something now; any hint of science, medicine or proven validity of what you do offer.

And then, selling medical information, you have a disclaimer page about mysterious terms of use but nothing with an actual medical disclaimer.

Why in the world would anyone buy this instead of a $17 book about smoking cessation on Amazon, written by M.D.'s and PhD's and proven effective by thousands of clients and patients worldwide?

Who is the author of the letter and the author of the product, and why should that person be believed and trusted?

You have a definite market with a real problem, but no reason for them to buy your solution.

What could you learn from Gary Halbert's water letter, at The Gary Halbert Letter?

Regards,
Allen

Im reveiwing this as a potential buyer (even though I have never smoked in my life)

Move the header text a bit to the left.

Increase the distance between the lines... add more <br> .. atleast thats how I like it.. easier to read and looks less cramped up

the images of rotten lungs are an amazing idea....

Change the background color... its ugly.

Hi, Ted,

That's a great improvement.

You need to correct the line under the 'lungs picture and the general English could be improved but I think this is getting there.

I think I would use less 'Get started today' buttons.

Hi Ted,

I was taking another look at your site and see a few things.

1) You will have uncontrollable eating or have weight gain

I think you meant "will not have"?

2) Rather than the price and buy button near the top, replace this with a simple text "Order Now" with a link to your buy button down near the bottom. Putting the price so close to the top won't work. People will see the price before they've even read your pitch and had a chance to evaluate it.

3) Your writing needs more punch. It's drab and pedantic. Use shorter, punchier sentences alternated with longer sentences. All yours are quite long.

4) Put your credentials closer to the top, ie: a heavy ex-smoker, expert at Behavioral Change Modification. The sooner the reader sees these, the quicker you will get their trust to keep reading. It tells them that you just might know what you're talking about.

5) Set your date. It says 2008.

6) Punctuation in your head: Close " and ? after question. I liked what another poster said. He actually wrote a very good headline. Try adding "It's not your fault" into yours. That takes the pressure off and empathizes with the reader right away.

7) I wouldn't open with the stats about deaths from smoking. You can be sure the reader has already seen that before. Lead in with a few benefits to the reader:

- # people who struggle to quit every year, # fail, but you won't - not any more.
- Your girlfriend will love being near you when there isn't a stench of stale cigarettes hanging around you.
- Your worries of developing lung disease will vanish - because you will reduce your risk significantly by quitting smoking.

8) Shorten the width of your lines. Reset your text so that it is easier for the eye to follow. (shorter width, spacing between paragraphs, etc.)

9) Dump this line, or change it:
Now is the time to learn this step-by-step method and stop smoking for ever

It's not very effective as it sits. Try:

Discover this highly-successful step-by-step method to stop smoking now and forever

10) In the intro with all those questions, make them more active:

Open with:

If you've tried to quit smoking, you are among millions who have tried and failed. Speaking from my own personal experience I can tell you, you probably:

- wake up with an ugly taste like you sucked on an ashtray
- you constantly feel sluggish, weak and lacking energy
- every breath leaves you gasping for oxygen
- physical exercise zaps pain through your chest
- your heart pounds at the slightest exertion

And if that isn't enough, you probably regret missing out on all the great things you could buy with the thousands of dollars you squander on cigarettes every year.

11) I'd get rid of those red Xs and use simple black bullets. They're too distracting and really unnecessary.

12) I'd lose the graphic of the good/bad lungs. To me the picture looks fake - like they're plastic reproductions rather than real lungs. It will be more effective if you can find a picture of a real pair of lungs. Underneath, you ask a question - How do your lungs compare? It's a pointless question because no one knows how their lungs look. Instead, say something like, "If you've been smoking for 5 years, your lungs already look like this" You'll need to find some images that depict smoker's lungs after 5 - 10 - 30 years of smoking. This will give them something to think about.

Then, add a clean lung (which should be pink, by the way, not white as in your image) with a caption - Quit today and your lung will be as good as new in 2-10 years, depending on how long you've smoked. It's not too late!

I could go on, but I think this gives you a lot to work with.

Hope it helps.

Sylvia