My new sales page -- does it suck?

Here are some new pointers...

1. Your paragraphs are too long. Try shortening them to no longer than 4 lines.
2. I agree, use "Dear Friend,".
3. The header needs re-worked.
4. The flow from sentence to sentence seems a bit choppy to me.
5. Good job on keeping the focus on the reader.
6. Add medical studies that show proof your techniques work.
7. Edit the formatting of your bullets. In this area, also remember to keep the focus on the reader and review sentence structure.
8. I would use natural people in your graphics instead of a cartoon character. This change will make your sales letter seem more professional, hence more believable.

I hope this helps!

Christie, what needs to be re-worked about the header? And what cartoon character are you referring to?

Hi,

From taking a quick look, I see 2 things immediately...

1. The copy looks a little too short, try lengthening it a bit.
2. Everything is bolded... try less bold text.

HTH

Jamie

Anything else?

You could add some attention grabbing headings after you shorten the paragraphs like.

Life Changing Revelation

Do You Suffer From This Common Problem? (maybe could detail more problems to make the readers feel the pain and want the cure - bit longer copy)

Save Extreme Amounts Of Money

Add Years To Your Life

Then ......

Remove the blue boxes from around your ebook cover pic and the buy button. I think adding a border="0" after the image source will do it.

Then center the buy button below the cover. The one in the center of the page I mean.

Space the bullets.

I agree about the pic of the doctor too. Would be better with a photo instead of the clip art.

After reading the entire page I began to truly wonder if the book could help me. It made me want to look see what the price was. Thats a good thing.

Love the testimonials. Excellent.

Best wishes with your project.

Sincere regards,
Vince

Looks overall good.

Only thing I would do is use several different fonts for emphasis on the "story lines" of your copy. The main story line should be easy for a scanning reader to pick out.

other than that - the only other thing is the cartoon doctor - I would buy a stock photo and put in a real life doctor looking person.

Just my 2 cents.
Mike

Honestly. you need to go back an re-read the advice in your first thread (not sure you needed to start a second). There is some solid direction in there that is a missed opportunity for you (in my opinion). You will get there though!

The paragraphs are definitely too long. Make them shorter and make use of some bolded headlines to break up the page.

I am no expert, but looking at it through a consumers eye the first thing I noticed was the cartoon in the header...i think if you made the header with a real picture it would come off as much more professional.

Also, I don't know if its just me, but I don't like when sales pages have the...ps,pps,ppps,....I think it just comes off as begging to buy the product instead of showing how the consumer "needs" your product.

Just my two cents, I hope you have a lot of success with it!

J

My new sales page -- does it suck? YES!

hi,

it kinda is alight but looks like it needs lot of work! Nothing really grabs my attention, copy needs to be longer and are you following the different emotions of how the customer goes though the sales process?

Paragraphs are too long, try to keep to 4-5 sentences max! Find one of the recent launches from a respected IM and read through his copy, see if you can pin point the different emotions he is trying to touch on and also look at his layout, scan the page and see what text jumps out at you. follow along as a guide.

Then test and track with ppc etc...

all the best
LP

Matthew,

My product is definitely NOT an 'extension' to modern medicine, because modern medicine is deeply flawed on not only technical but philosophical grounds. Last year was the first year in human history that a parent had a longer life expectancy than their children -- and 90% of that decrease in life expectancy is a result of the way that modern medicine defines and pursues 'health'.

I have a disclaimer that details exactly the fact that I am not encouraging anyone to literally fire their doctor -- because doctors really are good for setting broken bones and giving antibiotics for life-threatening infections...and that's about it. 99% of the diagnoses given out by doctors in the USA are more profit-oriented than health-oriented, and 99% of "syndromes" can be prevented and in most cases cured by proper diet.

I am not kidding when I tell you that, between my wife and I, we went from spending $450/month on medications for asthma, sleeping disorders, obesity, and more (not to mention copays for our doctor visits)...to NOTHING. The only doctor bills we've paid for in the past few years have been for our baby's checkups -- and those, the doctor only gives because they're required by the government. She says our baby is the healthiest she knows. She doesn't understand how two people with such sordid medical histories have such a healthy child -- but we do. My wife ate right the entire time my baby was developing, and as such, unlike almost every other child in the US, my child had complete nutrition during every stage of development, and it shows.


OK, enough of the side rant. I don't understand why everyone is talking about paragraph length; the longest paragraph on the page is 4 sentences. The text isn't bold, it's a larger font size because I want it to be easy to read because my target audience doesn't necessarily have great eyesight.

The cartoon doctor was precisly because we couldn't find a royalty-free image of a real doctor that suited our needs. If it's as critical as everyone seems to think, I'll buy rights to an image.

ponty, I guess I don't really have an understanding of the emotions of the buying process. Do you have a resource you can point me towards?

Vince, I'm reluctant to add headers to what is really a fairly short sales letter. It's visually space-consuming, but there's just not that many words in there. Is it really a good idea to do so?


Thank you all for your help!


Essence

I agree with winebuddy that, in the body of papargraphs, you should use different fonts, font sizes, and mix in some ALL CAPS and a few colored lines, to break up the monotony of those opening 3 paragraphs...currently it reads too much like reading a book, not inviting or attention-holding.

Michael,

I am new here and probably unqualified to give accurate advice as to what's considered 'correct' and what is not.

For that reason, I looked at the ad as if I were actually considering your product for purchase and my comments are from that perspective.

What I liked:

The testimonials come off nicely. The 'typewriter' font give it an unbiased feel.

The 60 day guarantee. I think the way it's presented it demonstrates your confidence in the product, and it gives the client a chance to really give it a shot. 90 days might even be a little better.

What could use improvement:

Your 'buy' link at the top says: "I've already made up my mind! I want it!". I would change the end to say "I want to change my life," or, "I want to learn how to change my life."

At the top you refer to yourself as a "Nutrition Researcher". Is this what you actually do for a living? The phrase comes off as an empty (I scrutinize everything I buy, so don't be offended) attempt to establish credibility. I think your credibility comes from your pitch - you've researched homeostatic imbalance and it's causes and you're living proof that correcting this has improved your life and it will improve your clients' lives too.

The overall layout comes off as generic. There are millions of sales pitches out there that are laid out in tables like this - what can you do to set it apart?

In the blue box it says "Homeostatic imbalance is the root cause of:". I generally try to avoid absolutes when making certain sales pitches. I would reword this to "Homeostatic imbalance is a contributing factor of", or something to that effect.

All of your testimonials are from women, yet you're a man. Are women your target market? I don't get that from the copy.

On the copy itself:

I am not one to sugarcoat things, so I am sorry if this comes off snide, but the text itself is bad. The whole thing screams amateur. The entire sales pitch lacks emotion, which is your only real selling point. Your target audience is overweight people with one or more serious health conditions right? At times it comes off as conversational and informal, then you try to position yourself as an authority on the subject, and it doesn't work.

Looking at your chapter list, it doesn't look as if you're offering any LIFE CHANGING INFORMATION. I see no reason to spend $50 when I can almost certainly find the same information at amazon.com for $15 or less... or possible even free from some online resource like webmd.

Get rid of the PS's at the bottom.

I don't want to insult you, so I am going to stop now. But the entire copy needs to be rewritten to convey what you're actually selling - and written to your target audience. If you want some help with this, let me know.

Good Luck

Mike

hey.. by clicking on the header, the visitor is automatically directed to the payment page. So wats the big deal? Newaz I also appreciate some work here.!

Even with your 2nd-page disclaimer, it really does come off very strongly as dispensing medical advice, and you definitly are opening yourself up for liability. The FTC & FDA can get pretty harsh with you, so maybe toning down your copy is in order.

For example: "Homeostatic imbalance is the root cause of:" That is making a pretty bold medical statement right there, and everything you say after that is medical advice, which puts you in the legal crosshairs. Are you a doctor? If you are, you will have to work hard to prove your hypothesis, since there's volumes of published evidence that give the 'root' causes of many of the ailments you list as something completely different. You would be laughed right out of the AMA if you made a statement like that.

Thanks to non-stop Big Pharma advertising for the last 50 years, most people nowadays have a decent bullsh*t detector when it comes to health remedies. If you don't want to come off like you're selling snakeoil, you will have to change your focus.

Go from this viewpoint: "everything that is wrong with you can be fixed by my miracle cure"

to this viewpoint: "do you suffer from X, Y or Z? Many people suffer from an underlying imbalance that is easily corrected. Here's what worked for me and these other great folks"

You can absolutely sell the materials, but you'll have to punch up your pitch first.

The text is NOT bold. In fact, there is bolding in the current text. The text IS "size +1" because I want it to be very easy to read.

I'll get around to everyone else's comments in an hour or three.


Essence

I like it, it is a simple sales page... But hey don't take my advise I know nothing about sales page, i just commented on the buyer's point of view... .D

I think the final paragraphs seem too be too much, overwhelming if you will. To be honest I didn't even read them.

Hey Mike,

I whipped up a header that may or may not work for ya--

Drew -- I appreciate your effort, but I think the actual flame in the background confuses the message and isn't terribly health-affirming.

ProductCreator - not in any particular order

* The whole headline is a testimonial. Note the quotes. ;p
* I realize that I'm not thin, but I AM healthy. Is it better to have no picture at all?
* I started with "Dear Fellow Human Being", but I suppose more specific is better.
* I had a PS and a PPS, but everyone told me to get rid of them, so I did.
* I'll swap out the earlier order buttons for a link if people agree that it's a better idea.


[quote=TDSMike]. In my opinion, stating that "homeostatic imbalance is the root cause of..." and then listing off 40 common ailments is a direct implication that correcting that imbalance will cure said ailments. [quote]

It will. Definitionally, these ailments are nothing more than manifestations of a homeostatically imbalanced body. The only question is "CAN homeostatic balance be restored", not "will restoring that balance solve my problem". In most cases, homeostatic balance can be restored by a correction in diet. In some cases, it's going to require changing what chemicals you use around the house, from cleanser to conditioner, and in rare cases, it might mean moving away from particularly strong EMF or geopathic energy fields. In the elderly, it may be uncorrectable.

But IF a correction can be made, it will always help -- and most people can be corrected through diet alone.


If I were a doctor, I would have been trained to faithfully follow a system that prevents me from even considering a notion like 'homeostatic imbalance' as a possible condition. Literally, modern medicine has diagnosis after diagnosis for SYMPTOMS. They call "high cholesterol" a disease -- it's not, it's a SYMPTOM. Ditto "obesity", "allergies", "cancer", and everything else on that list.

Ask a doctor sometime why you have allergies. They can tell you mechanically what happens in your body (histamines are reacting to substances in your environment), but they can't tell you why. They'll mumble about genetics, but they're out-and-out wrong. Histamines in your body react to substances that they shouldn't because there are hormones in your blood that make your histamines overactive, and other hormones that should calm them down aren't there -- and that hormonal imbalance is caused by disregulation of your endocrine system (the definition of homeostatic imbalance) -- and that disregulation is caused by (as a very common example) hyperinsulinemia which is, in turn, caused by decades of consuming fast-acting carbohydrates like flour and white sugar.

The solution, of course, is to start at the source -- the hyperinsulinemia -- by eating the right foods. In a few to several months, your endocrine system will stop overreacting to the constant overburden of insulin, and assuming that in addition to not over-carbing it, you're actually getting all of the essential nutrients your body needs, your endocrine system will begin producing the proper hormones in the proper amounts to keep your histamines in balance, and your allergies will vanish.

It's a very long, multi-step process that your doctor cannot and will not ever begin to address because they are trained from day 1 to look for the proximate cause and treat that (in this case, your histamine reactions), and not look any deeper -- because it's not a profitable business model to do so. Spending enough time and energy on one patient to cure their body of the root problem -- the homeostatic imbalance -- would be a massively expensive and time-consuming thing to do.

What I am trying to do with Fire Your Doctor is to alert people to the problem, and the cure that will work for 85% of them. I actually have other products on the drawing board that address the second and third most common causes of homeostatic imbalance (hormone-mimics in household objects and long-term, uncontrolled stress).


sarasayshi -- If you didn't read it, how do you know it's too much?

Freefor15 -- good points. I'll see what I can dig up.

I have to agree with the above people... it really need more help. It does not look medical at all.... I think it might be better without your picture or if you must then put on a suit.... the type also looks bad...take a look around, I am sure you have a good product, but you are missing telling people about it... Also a video might help....
Roger

Oh, and whoever asked about the sales button: it's not shark fins, it's a checkmark.

I changed the text to a different font. That was the problem -- it didn't look bold in Opera, but apparently FireFox and IE looked different.

You need to start from scratch. Why do you open 3 threads on the same subject? It seems to me you just want people to pat you on the back for a poorly done page. You got lots of great advice in your first thread and then implemented very little if any of that. You get defensive when folks make constructive comments. This is why people start to shy away from helping others. I truly wish you the best of luck, but you need to open your eyes and ears. This sales page might not "suck" per your title and other people's stated opininos, but it is not anywhere near good enough to be effective.

Hi again,

<quote>Vince, I'm reluctant to add headers to what is really a fairly short sales letter. It's visually space-consuming, but there's just not that many words in there. Is it really a good idea to do so?</quote>

I meant that the headers could be added along with additional copy related to benefits. You list a huge number of things on the page that may be prevemted.

I think that elaborating on the benefits under headings for each would be a constructive addition.

Sorry for being too vague there.

Regards,
Vince