Who wants to tear my offline sales letter apart?

Wow, Rob, I just came up with a similar idea over the weekend. Something in the air? Ha ha!

Anyway, here are my thoughts. Bit rough, shooting from the hip, hope it helps:

The lead is a bit weak. I like the idea of letting them know that you were searching and they didn't turn up. But you might not want to tell them the exact keywords you were searching on.

Maybe something more like this:

============================================

Hi [biz OWNER's name -- ring and get this]

I was searching on the internet the other day for [mechanics] in [locality]. No one really uses the Yellow pages nowadays, do they?

Anyway, I notice that your business didn't come up. I've [insert something true: heard good things about your service / went by your business this morning and it reminded me / have been recommended to your business / done business with you in the past (although you may not remember me) and been very happy / etcetera ].

[Then lead into what you can do for them and why...]

So when I saw that you didn't have a listing on the internet, I thought I'd help you out.

My name is Rob Whisonant and I own [name of business], a consultancy firm that provides marketing advice -- especially online marketing advice -- to local businesses who'd like to leverage the massive power of the internet to boost their sales and reduce their advertising.

My company currently operates a local business portal which limits listing to just 10 businesses in each category. This is to maximise the exposure for our members. Once these spots are filled in each category, businesses go on a waiting list.

I noticed that we had a listing available in [xyz] category so I took the liberty of placing your business's details up there.

[Then move onto how this is (possibly already, but also) going to help them...]

I hope this is generating new visitors and phone calls to your enterprise based on local people searching (just as I did) and now finding you online.

[Then into the sale...]

To maintain fairness to other members of our [locality name] local business portal, I can only leave your complimentary listing live for 10 days.

If you would like to maintain your listing in the directory, your monthly investment to target local searches for [business type] in [locality name] is just $X. A far cry from advertising in the local newspaper, I'm sure you'd agree! And the beauty is that this is so affordable, you will still be able to do both if you like.

And here's the kicker... You'll probably double your visitors and sales without needing to pay anywhere NEAR double the cost. How's that for a winner?

[more reasons to sign up... This needs a tiny bit of research to determine whether they have an existing site or not. If yes, go with "Line A", if not, go with "Line B"...]

Line A: Additionally, as a member, your listing is automatically linked from our high-ranking local portal directly to your existing website!

Line B: Additionally, members enjoy the benefits of intercepting traffic from our high-ranking portal site to their business and their websites for further information. I notice that you do not currently have a website. As a member of [name of portal], you are able to take advantage of a significant discount for creating a simple 4-page website (Home, About, Contact, Privacy Policy). This discount is ONLY extended to members of [portal name] without an existing website.

The benefits of having your own website in today's technology-driven world are, I think, clear. Why pay thousands per year for a Yellow Pages ad when you don't even know if it's bringing you business? Having your own website can:

* reduce your advertising costs AND increase your sales
* expose your business to prospects who would never even think to look in the newspaper or phone book
* capture the attention of new families moving into the area, most of whom will turn to the internet to find out what services are in the local area
* enable you to track and test advertising campaigns in ways that traditional media simply cannot, which means you can dump what's not working and focus your hard-earned on what is


Every day, more people are moving away from traditional print advertising to the Internet. Ask anyone under 40 the last time they picked up the Yellow Pages! People use the Net now to locate information about just about everything, including local businesses just like yours.

Make sure they can find your business with ease. Remember, your complimentary listing is valid for the next 10 days. To register an ongoing listing at the incredible price of just $X/month, please call or email me today.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,
Rob Whisonant
[site name]
[phone number]
[email]


=======================================

Good luck with it!

TheNightOwl

TheNightOwl,

I like a lot of your ideas better. Thanks for posting them. Now if what you posted can be shortened to about 2/3 of a page I think we may have something a business owner will take the time to read.

What I am using these listings for is to get my foot in the door so I can provide other services to each business down the road. Kind of like building my mailing list.

Re's
Rob Whisonant

Yeah, not known for my brevity! ROTFL!

Still, having said that, I recognise and have long said:

"Good writing is in the editing"

I don't know if I coined that (I've been saying it for so many years) or whether I stole it.

Anyway, hope what I posted above will give you and others something to work with. Perhaps we could collaborate right here in this thread to tighten it all up.

Best,
TheNightOwl

This strategy seems a bit odd to me.

My first thought is without asking me you put my business up on a business portal for free?

This immediately puts your letter in the "too good to be true" or the "there's got to be a catch" catagory.

Then my suspictions are confirmed when I see that I will eventually have to pay you in order to keep my listing there.

It certainly does not make you appear to be a sincere person.


Why not send them a letter that explains who you are and what you do, and then explain how you couldn't find their website and how people not being able to find their website is costing them money.

**************

Hi (Biz owners name)

My names is XYZ. I realize that we do not know one another but I just had to send you this letter.

Why?

Well, a couple of days ago I was searching for [city state business type] and your website did not pop up at all on the first page.

Do you realize that if I can't find your business on the first page of google that means your customers can't find you either?

Do you realize how much money this can be costing you and your business?

Here test it out for yourself.

Go to google and type in...

[city state business type]
[city state business type]
[city state business type]

(give them 3 keywords to type in. Obviously you would check before hand to make sure that they are not ranking for those keywords)

(NOTE: the reason you would give them the keywords to type in is because if they are going to check then they might just type in their own URL and if they do and their site shows up then they are going to think why would they need you.)


After you explain the problem you provide the solution.

You explain how you can help them out.

Give an example of another business that you have helped out. How has that other business profited, or benefited from your service.

Then say for a limited time you are offering a FREE trial. Tell them if they call now they can test out your service with that FREE trial.


**************

Your letter I think focuses more on the services you provide and not enough on explaining how those services will benefit the business owner.

You wrote:

"I hope you are enjoying the exposure you are now receiving by being listed on a local area website that local people are visiting."

My first response is "what exposure?"

They are not going to know which customers are from you because they didn't even know you were sending them customers.

If they do get a boost of customers they won't know it is from you. And even then after they recieve your letter there is no way for them to be sure it was even from you.

That is why I would send them the letter first. Show them the problem, offer up the solution, and then set up a way to track the results. And then once you show them the results it will sell your portal for you.


Shane_K

Right you are, Shane!

GREAT advice!

I too think the approach is a little odd and possibly off-putting. Should have mentioned that, but felt it better to simply respond to what the OP was asking for. If he had been asking for advice on how to approach businesses, then I wouldn't have said anything because I have very little experience in that area.

Your advice is spot on regarding that. And I'm sure the OP will appreciate it as much as I do.

An excellent post. Not even my thread! Ha ha! But I thank you.

Best,
TheNightOwl

I've used this same business model, but not this approach to finding clients. Shane's suggestions are much closer to what I do, but I do it in person. Thanks Shane for taking your time to offer your suggestions.

Here is version two after incorporating all of the ideas posted. Especially what was posted by TheNightOwl.

Any help making it flow better while keeping it short will be appreciated. Also feel free to tear it apart again.

-------
Hi [owners name],

I was searching on the Internet the other day for [business type] in [City State] and noticed that your business didn't come up in the search results. I'm sure you are listed in the Yellow Pages, but let's be honest, who really uses it anymore? More and more people are using the Internet to find local businesses instead of hunting out the phone book and fumbling through it.

Once I saw that you could not be easily found on the Internet, I thought I would help you out. I hope you don't mind.

My company runs a network of local news and information websites that help people find events, news and local businesses in the [City State] area. One of the websites is a directory of the top [business type] in [City State] and is easily found when people search on the Internet for businesses like yours.

I noticed that we had an opening on [site url] and placed a free 10 day trial listing on it for your business, so you could see first hand the benefits of having your business easily found on the Internet.

I hope this listing has helped with sending new customers to your business, now that you can easily be found by people searching the Internet for [business type] in the [City State] area.

Having your business easily found by people searching for [business type] in [City State] has many benefits. Here are just a few.

* Business exposure to people that would never even think about looking at print newspapers or old fashion telephone books for you.
* Capture the attention of new family's moving into the area, most of whom will use the Internet to locate new stores and services in the area.
* Allow you to advertise and attract new customers in ways that would be cost prohibitive using old fashion advertising media like newspapers, TV, radio etc.
* Increased profits while reducing your advertising costs.

Every day, more and more people are moving away from traditional print advertising to the Internet to locate and find out more information about local businesses like yours. Ask anyone under 40 when the last time they picked up the Yellow Pages! The Internet being an interactive media makes it so much easier and enjoyable to find what you are looking for.

I can currently offer you a permanent listing on [site url] at a reduced price of just [price] per month. Just give me a call or drop me an email and I'll be happy to help you make sure your business can be found on the Internet with ease. Remember your current free trial listing expires in 10 days.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,
Rob Whisonant
[site name]
[phone]
[email]
-------

Here is version 3.

Hi [owners name],

I was searching on the Internet the other day for [business type] in [City State] and noticed that your business didn't come up in the search results. I'm sure you are listed in the Yellow Pages, but let's be honest, who really uses it anymore? Most people are using the Internet to find local businesses now instead of hunting out the dusty old phone book and fumbling through it anymore.

Once I saw that your business could not be easily found on the Internet, I thought I would help you out. I hope you don't mind.

My company runs a large network of local news and information websites that help people find events, news and local businesses in the [City State] area. One of our websites is a specialized directory that lists the top [business type] in [City State] and is easily found when people search on the Internet for businesses like yours.

I noticed that we had an opening on [site url] and placed a free 10 day trial listing on it for your business, so you could see first hand the benefits of having your business easily found on the Internet.

I hope this listing has helped with sending new customers to your business, now that you can easily be found by people searching the Internet for [business type] in the [City State] area.

Having your business easily found by people searching for [business type] in [City State] on the Internet has many benefits. Here are just a few.

* Business exposure to people that would never even think about looking at print advertising like newspapers or old fashion telephone books for you.
* Capture the attention of new family's moving into the area, most of whom will use the Internet to locate new stores and services in the area.
* Allow you to advertise and attract new customers in ways that would be cost prohibitive using old fashion advertising media like newspapers, TV, radio etc.
* Increased profits while reducing your advertising costs.

Every day, more and more people are moving away from traditional print advertising to the Internet to locate and find out more information about local businesses like yours. Ask anyone under 40 when the last time they picked up the Yellow Pages! The Internet being an interactive media makes it so much easier and enjoyable to find what you are looking for.

Are you ready to start advertising your business where people are now actually looking? Well if you are, I can currently, for a limited time offer you a permanent listing on [site url] at a reduced rate of just [price] per month. Just give me a call or drop me an email and I'll be happy to help you make sure your business can be found on the Internet with ease. Remember your current free trial listing expires in 10 days.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,
Rob Whisonant
[site name]
[phone]
[email]

JohnMcCabe,

Thank you very much. Looks like I'll be revising my letter again with your good ideas.

rosetrees,

Your right. I may need to take that line out. The sites are all ranked high on the first page of Google for the top search phrases being used to search for each type of business.

The stats also are showing hits from search engines that where actually searching for the businesses on the pages.

What I may do is take some screen caps of awstats and add a link to it in each sales letter.

Re's
Rob Whisonant

Well here is version 4.

Hi [owners name],

I was searching on the Internet the other day for [business type] in [City State] and noticed that your business didn't come up in the search results. I'm sure you are listed in the Yellow Pages, but let's be honest, who really uses it anymore? Most people are using the Internet to find local businesses now, instead of hunting out the dusty old phone book and fumbling through it.

My company runs a large network of local news and information websites that help people find events, news and local businesses in the [City State] area. One of our websites is a specialized directory that lists the top [business type] in [City State] and is easily found when people search on the Internet for businesses like yours.

We have an opening on [site url] and I placed a free 10 day trial listing on it for your business, so you could see first hand the benefits of being easily found on the Internet.

This listing will help new customers find your business on the Internet with ease when they are searching for [business type] in the [City State] area.

Here are just a few benefits of having your business easily found on the Internet.

* Business exposure to people that would never even think about looking at print advertising like newspapers or old fashion telephone books for you.
* Capture the attention of new family's moving into the area, most of whom will use the Internet to locate new stores and services in the area.
* Allow you to advertise and attract new customers in ways that would be cost prohibitive using old fashion advertising media like newspapers, TV, radio etc.
* Increased profits while reducing your advertising costs.

Every day, more and more people are moving away from traditional print advertising to the Internet to locate and find out more information about local businesses like yours. Ask anyone under 40 when the last time they picked up the Yellow Pages! The Internet being an interactive media makes it so much easier and enjoyable to find business information.

For a limited time I can offer you a permanent listing on [site url] at a reduced rate of just [price] per month. Just give me a call or drop me an email and I'll be happy to help with making sure your business can be found on the Internet with ease. Remember your current free trial listing expires in 10 days. Listings are limited to 10 businesses only and are first come first served.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,
Rob Whisonant
[site name]
[phone]
[email]

I haven't been on this forum long, but I have been impressed by the wisdom and time John puts into his posts. I would take his suggestion in personalizing it a bit more. Take two minutes more to do some research. I think it would go a long way.