Holy macaroni, I just read another thread in the vast reaches of WF where a poster wanted feedback on a direct mail letter--this one had more "I"s than an optometrist's office.
I did this and I did that. I want this and I that.
I, I, I, I.
Listen, no one cares about you. Well, maybe your family and your dog. And he likes you mainly because you feed him. Heck, you could say the same thing about your kids.
If you are going to send a direct mail letter for your services, get right to it.
In the headline, the first line, and the first paragraph.
Tell them what you can do for them...
And what they need to do next to move forward.
Take the world in a love embrace, fire all your guns at once, and explode into space. -Steppenwolf