How to Effectively Nuke Your Email List

by TimothyTorrents 11 replies
Note: Slight sarcasm below.

Did you ever wake up feeling the need to torment your email list and make them hate you?

Well, if you are looking for new ways to screw with your email list and force them to desperately search for the unsubscribe button, you came to the right place. In this article I am going to teach you how to successfully make every person on your list hate you and wish hell fire on your soul. These tricks will help you go from having a list of 10,000 subscribers to 0 in just a few days.

Step 1: Offer The Worst “Free Report” Possible.

One of the most common ways to build a email list is to offer a free report to encourage people to sign up to your list. Most people hype up their free reports making them sound like the most amazing chunk of text EVER.

One of the best ways to piss of new subscribers is to offer the worst possible free report known to the internet. There are plenty of terrible free reports out there so the competition will be tough. But I am sure, with some luck, you can secure your position. Bonus points if you let your cat walk all over your keyboard. Add 1 point for every typo. Rack up as many points as possible.

Step 2: Send Out Emails EVERY Hour

There is nothing people like more than finding thousands of promotional offers in their inbox every day. For extra kicks, send out promotional emails linking to virus filled porn sites. Everyone needs at least one virus on their computer. If you still have some left over subscribers after these two steps, the remaining steps will get rid of them for you. Don’t worry! You won’t have to deal with the email list for much longer!

Step 3: Over Hype EVERYTHING

Are you trying to sell a rock you found during one of your hikes? Well, now that rock is not just a rock, it is the most amazing chunk of dirt in the planet. For bonus points write up a story to back up your claims to the rock. Don’t bother with fact checks. That rock broke off a piece of meteorite from a distance planet and contains traces of alien life forms.

It contains a secret energy that kings and conquerors have harvested. Cradle the rock with your hands and you will absorb some of the energy and it will unlock the secrets of the universe. Use with caution. It is a secret that the government does not want you to know about!! (use as many exclamation marks as possible).

Still, there may be people who will be interested in buying this rock. Try promoting something like an electronic product. Bonus points for inventing your own scam and promoting it your list. Don’t forget to make it sound like the most amazing scheme ever and include lots of exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111.

Step 4: Add The Same Subscriber to Thousands of Lists.

By now your subscribers are desperately searching for the unsubscribe button. But you wouldn’t want to make it too easy for them to leave. Make sure to make thousands of copies of your list so you can promote the same offers over and over and your subscribers will have to jump through thousands of hoops to get off your list.

Step 5: Sell The List Multiple Times

Congratulations, your list officially hates you. But you can always make them hate you MORE. Sell the list as many times as possible. Try to sell the list to spam websites or create a website and offer your list to anyone who is interested in buying it. Don’t forget to over hyper your list. PLR lists for sell, anyone? The goal is to make sure everyone on your email list receives thousands of spam messages a day.

Got more steps to add? Help Warriors destroy their lists once and for all!
#main internet marketing discussion forum #effectively #email #list #nuke
Avatar of Unregistered
  • Profile picture of the author JohnMcCabe
    You forgot to mention oversharing about your personal life - what you ate for breakfast, that annoying rash you picked up after your last "date", the exact, word for word transcript of you buying a bus ticket to Nowhere for vacation, and make sure you include a graphic description of what you found in the toilet bowl the Wednesday after "Taco Tuesday" at the homeless shelter.

    Even if your life isn't as exciting as that, just make shit up. It's the Internet, after all. No one knows who you are.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8492991].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author TimothyTorrents
      Originally Posted by JohnMcCabe View Post

      You forgot to mention oversharing about your personal life - what you ate for breakfast, that annoying rash you picked up after your last "date", the exact, word for word transcript of you buying a bus ticket to Nowhere for vacation, and make sure you include a graphic description of what you found in the toilet bowl the Wednesday after "Taco Tuesday" at the homeless shelter.

      Even if your life isn't as exciting as that, just make shit up. It's the Internet, after all. No one knows who you are.
      Exactly.

      And write a bio that is full of absolute bs to back up your claims.

      "We have been providing SEO services for over 80 years now..."
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8493112].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author Randall Magwood
        Originally Posted by TimothyTorrents View Post

        "We have been providing SEO services for over 80 years now..."
        Hahahaha LOL... good one.

        Oh and you left one off...

        6) Offer them products that are totally unrelated to the reason that they signed up to your list in the first place
        Signature
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8494599].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Story
    I am getting nuked everyday, with bombs like "$2700 every week in your paypal".
    Then someone copy the swipe and nuke me with the same crap again.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8493150].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author PerformanceMan
      Originally Posted by Story View Post

      I am getting nuked everyday, with bombs like "$2700 every week in your paypal".
      Then someone copy the swipe and nuke me with the same crap again.
      'I'M' email lists are the WORST It's like a bunch of illiterate chimps were taught to use a keyboard and heard they'd get bananas if they sold someone something
      Signature
      Free Special Report on Mindset - Level Up with Positive Thinking
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8493160].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author HypnoHugh
    Most IM marketers are doing very well without your help - churn and burn

    Originally Posted by timbonitus View Post

    I originally wrote the article for my website but decided to post it here to help my fellow Warrirors destroy their years of hard work in just a few days.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8493996].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Mark Singletary
    Can you send more information about the rock?

    Thanks.
    Mark
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8494625].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author JohnMcCabe
      Originally Posted by Mark Singletary View Post

      Can you send more information about the rock?

      Thanks.
      Mark
      Watch your window. I'm sending you a review copy... :p
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8494626].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author TimothyTorrents
      Originally Posted by Mark Singletary View Post

      Can you send more information about the rock?

      Thanks.
      Mark
      I am glad you asked.

      Nikolai Tesla was out for a stroll in nature, pondering on ideas for his new inventions, he forgot to watch where he was walking, and slammed his big toe right into into a small boulder.

      After a series of insults he shook off the pain and continued with his stroll. Everyone knows that Tesla probably had thousands of watts of electricity running through his body at any given second and when he insulted the rock a bolt of electricity flew out of his mouth and shocked the rock.

      The boulder absorbed his insults infused with electricity and obsessed about it for years. Why would Tesla say such mean things and shock this poor rock who was just minding his business?

      Eventually the rock's health began to deteriorate due to depression. Slowly chunks of the boulder began to dissolve. Until, the boulder was no more than a pile of debris on the side of the road. Some teenagers thought it would be a good idea to experiment with a live grenade they found after World War 2, pulled the pin, and hastily buried the grenade into the pile of rubble, and ran for their lives. A few seconds later the grenade exploded, sending chunks of rock and dirt flying in every direction. Like most teenagers, these kids were reckless, and forgot to find adequate protection for their shenanigans and a couple of rock shards nicked the teenager's faces.

      The rock has absorbed the electricity powered insults of Tesla, was weakened due to depression, scattered by an explosion, and nicked a teenager's face. The rock includes: Tesla insults, depression, traces of an explosion, and DNA from a kid's face.

      Buy NOW!

      And get a truckload of rocks for free. We deliver straight to your doorstep!
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8495585].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author misterkailo
    Recent email I got was to tell me to mail out flyers to make $2000+ per week
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8495621].message }}
Avatar of Unregistered

Trending Topics