What do you think of my marketing email?

by MrLeN
23 replies
I wrote this email for one of my aweber follow-ups.

It's kind of unprofessional, but I am wondering if it might still convert (if people see the funny side)..


Santa fell off the chimney [AND BROKE HIS NOSE] - sorry..

Hi

Didn't you hear about Santa falling off the chimney and breaking his nose?

Poor old guy. He can't deliver any presents this year - sorry. Sucks hey?

But it doesn't mean you can't still put heaps of presents under the tree!

All you need is HEAPS of cash!

And that's what MyCompany specializes in - for everyone.

You don't have to rely on FATSO this year. Truth be known, he never gives me what I want anyway.

Pfft..

But MyCompany will give you what you want: HEAPS OF CASH!

http://www.mycompany.com

Just register on MyCompany [RISK FREE] and start making money with no money down.

Regards,

My Name

Administrator

P.S. No real Santa's were harmed in the making of this promotion email.
#email #marketing
  • Profile picture of the author WillR
    I think it's a pretty weak email if I'm to be honest.

    You spend 3/4 of the email going on about Santa which has nothing to do with the product or service you are offering.

    In sales don't mince words. Don't use 4 words when only 3 will do. Get to the point quickly.

    You haven't mentioned why they should use your product or service. What is the direct benefit to them? Get more money? That's far too vague and insignificant. Be specific. Tell them why they need to click the link. What exactly is in it for them and why should they click the link right away?
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    • Profile picture of the author MrLeN
      Originally Posted by WillR View Post

      I think it's a pretty weak email if I'm to be honest.

      You spend 3/4 of the email going on about Santa which has nothing to do with the product or service you are offering.

      In sales don't mince words. Don't use 4 words when only 3 will do. Get to the point quickly.

      You haven't mentioned why they should use your product or service. What is the direct benefit to them? Get more money? That's far too vague and insignificant. Be specific. Tell them why they need to click the link. What exactly is in it for them and why should they click the link right away?
      Well, the page I am sending them to has a sales video and comprehensive info on exactly whats the deal is - and this is also about the 12th email send out in the queue, so anyone reading it has very likely been well informed about my company by that point.

      My first dozen or so emails explain all the things you say I should be explaining

      What I really want to know is - do you think people will get offended/put off by the unprofessionalism of that email?
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      • Profile picture of the author retsced
        Originally Posted by MrLeN View Post


        What I really want to know is - do you think people will get offended/put off by the unprofessionalism of that email?
        Unprofessional in the way that it's childish and cheesy? then yes. But if you're worried because you called Santa "FATSO" - and said that he ad a broken nose, then no. You seriously need to get a life if you believe grown ass adults are going to get offended by what you say about a fictional character.

        oops, I didn't let the cat out of the bag, did I? You do know he doesn't really exist. I'm sure the men and women on your email list know this too.

        It's tame, and bordering on silly...to the point I'd unsubscribe immediately.
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      • Profile picture of the author WillR
        Originally Posted by MrLeN View Post

        Well, the page I am sending them to has a sales video and comprehensive info on exactly whats the deal is
        If that is the link/website in your signature (and I assume it is) then that page also needs a LOT of work. I'm just being honest with you. The page looks scammy and does not portray any authority or credibility. There is also no headline telling people exactly why they need to watch the video.

        "Build a residual income with absolutely no startup costs" is just way too weak and vague.

        What would get you to watch the video, your headline above or one that said...

        "Let Me Show You How to Make Your First $297 Online Staring Today..."

        That's just an example headline from one of my squeeze pages and it's not even that great but I'm just trying to show you how weak your headline is as it's not specific and doesn't command any interest, attention or desire.

        I hope you take this advice the way it is meant.
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        • Profile picture of the author MrLeN
          Originally Posted by WillR View Post

          If that is the link/website in your signature (and I assume it is) then that page also needs a LOT of work. I'm just being honest with you. The page looks scammy and does not portray any authority or credibility. There is also no headline telling people exactly why they need to watch the video.

          "Build a residual income with absolutely no startup costs" is just way too weak and vague.

          What would get you to watch the video, your headline above or one that said...

          "Let Me Show You How to Make Your First $297 Online..."

          That's just an example headline from one of my squeeze pages and it's not even that great but I'm just trying to show you how weak your headline is as it's not specific and doesn't command any interest, attention or desire.

          I hope you take this advice the way it is meant.

          I actually agree with you... I think I need to redesign the page. This is actually a second version. The first version really sucked. This one sucked less. But I am not very happy with the signup rate of this form, so it obviously needs work. Any advice is welcome.

          As for the marketing email - I decided not to go ahead with it. The prior 11 emails are all professional. S, I might as well stick with that - unless I lose a heap of people.
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          • Profile picture of the author WillR
            Originally Posted by MrLeN View Post

            I actually agree with you... I think I need to redesign the page. This is actually a second version. The first version really sucked. This one sucked less. But I am not very happy with the signup rate of this form, so it obviously needs work. Any advice is welcome.

            As for the marketing email - I decided not to go ahead with it. The prior 11 emails are all professional. S, I might as well stick with that - unless I lose a heap of people.
            No problems. That's what marketing is all about, testing and tweaking until you have something that works well.

            Quite honestly I would try a much simpler squeeze page.

            This is just one I found in Google Images but this is the sort of style I would test to start with.

            http://i257.photobucket.com/albums/h...queezePage.png

            I would probably also get rid of the video from the squeeze page and have that shown AFTER people opt in. It's not to say it will convert better but you should at least test both ways against one another.

            Keep it simple.

            ** FREE Video Reveals **

            "Watch Over My Shoulder as I Show You How to Make $XYZ
            Within the Next 24 Hours... No Investment or Skills Required!"

            Enter Email:

            Get Instant Access
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            • Profile picture of the author MrLeN
              Originally Posted by WillR View Post

              No problems. That's what marketing is all about, testing and tweaking until you have something that works well.

              Quite honestly I would try a much simpler squeeze page.

              This is just one I found in Google Images but this is the sort of style I would test to start with.

              http://i257.photobucket.com/albums/h...queezePage.png

              I would probably also get rid of the video from the squeeze page and have that shown AFTER people opt in. It's not to say it will convert better but you should at least test both ways against one another.

              Keep it simple.

              ** FREE Video Reveals **

              "Watch Over My Shoulder as I Show You How to Make
              Within the Next 24 Hours... No Investment or Skills Required!"

              Enter Email:

              Get Instant Access
              okies, I got rid of the dodgy text and made it in white text.

              What do you think now?
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              • Profile picture of the author WillR
                Originally Posted by MrLeN View Post

                okies, I got rid of the dodgy text and made it in white text.

                What do you think now?
                1. The video blends into the background way too much. You need it to stand out a lot more and look like a video. To someone briefly visiting the page they could easily miss the fact that is an actual video. I would give it a black background or border so it stands out a lot more. If you scroll though the video to the portion where you are talking, I think that screenshot would work much better for the video image. It makes it look more warm, real and personal rather than the current video image that looks a bit too corporate and cold.

                2. You have a big satisfaction guarantee seal up in the right hand corner yet you are telling people it is free information. You are contradicting yourself. If the information is free then there should be no need for a satisfaction guarantee. People equate that to when they buy something. So get rid of the guarantee seal.

                3. I would also get rid of the 'Cashopolis' title. I don't think it serves much purpose. Just have the headline at the top of the page only. Also get rid of the little sub-head (monthly income -- no money required to get started, etc) as it looks like terms or conditions since the text is so small and makes it look like your promise comes with some conditions.

                4. In your headline using a figure like $2,000 is again just to vague. Specific numbers command more trust and believability. So I would instead say something like 'Make $2,143 Per Month Working From Home'

                5. I would either change or get rid of the 'Request Information' text above the optin form. Either change it to something like 'Get Instant Access' or just remove it completely and instead change the 'Submit' button to a call to action such as 'Get Instant Access'.

                Anyway, they are just some things I would do if it were my page. I would also at the same time split test this version against another completely different version such as the one I linked to in my previous post. Only by split testing will you know which actually converts better.
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                • Profile picture of the author MrLeN
                  Ok, i'll make a page exactly how you describe, check it with you to see what you think - and then and split test it against my current one. What I'll do is go put $20 in 7search or something and spend $10 on each one and I'll see what happens.

                  I'm not arguing with you or anything. I literally don't know which one will be best, and you can't just go around taking peoples word for stuff

                  ..although, I cans see good logic in what you're telling me.

                  ..and that's not me in the video. It's a friend who helped me because he has professional cameras and mics and stuff, and can do a better job than me. I am an Aussie

                  ..anyways, this will be interesting. So that's my mission today.

                  *Off to make a page like WillR said!
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                  • Profile picture of the author MrLeN
                    Originally Posted by WillR View Post

                    1. The video blends into the background way too much. You need it to stand out a lot more and look like a video. To someone briefly visiting the page they could easily miss the fact that is an actual video. I would give it a black background or border so it stands out a lot more. If you scroll though the video to the portion where you are talking, I think that screenshot would work much better for the video image. It makes it look more warm, real and personal rather than the current video image that looks a bit too corporate and cold.

                    2. You have a big satisfaction guarantee seal up in the right hand corner yet you are telling people it is free information. You are contradicting yourself. If the information is free then there should be no need for a satisfaction guarantee. People equate that to when they buy something. So get rid of the guarantee seal.

                    3. I would also get rid of the 'Cashopolis' title. I don't think it serves much purpose. Just have the headline at the top of the page only. Also get rid of the little sub-head (monthly income -- no money required to get started, etc) as it looks like terms or conditions since the text is so small and makes it look like your promise comes with some conditions.

                    4. In your headline using a figure like $2,000 is again just to vague. Specific numbers command more trust and believability. So I would instead say something like 'Make $2,143 Per Month Working From Home'

                    5. I would either change or get rid of the 'Request Information' text above the optin form. Either change it to something like 'Get Instant Access' or just remove it completely and instead change the 'Submit' button to a call to action such as 'Get Instant Access'.

                    Anyway, they are just some things I would do if it were my page. I would also at the same time split test this version against another completely different version such as the one I linked to in my previous post. Only by split testing will you know which actually converts better.

                    Ok, so whaddayareckon?

                    Untitled

                    The form doesn't actually function yet - but that's the front end code done.
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                    • Profile picture of the author WillR
                      Originally Posted by MrLeN View Post

                      Ok, so whaddayareckon?

                      Untitled

                      The form doesn't actually function yet - but that's the front end code done.
                      Can't see anything, that url doesn't work.

                      Also, when split testing $20 really isn't enough. It's not about how much. You should be sending at least a few hundred visitors to each version before you make any judgements. You are best off to use a proper split testing service such as Google Website Optimizer so your split testing is accurate.
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                      • Profile picture of the author MrLeN
                        Originally Posted by WillR View Post

                        Can't see anything, that url doesn't work.

                        Also, when split testing $20 really isn't enough. It's not about how much. You should be sending at least a few hundred visitors to each version before you make any judgements. You are best off to use a proper split testing service such as Google Website Optimizer so your split testing is accurate.
                        Sorry, I forgot that I made the page so that it wont work unless an ID is there:

                        Untitled

                        --Edit:

                        I just launched 2 x $25 7search campaigns.

                        Surely $50 is enough.

                        I am not using a split testing service, but I think 7search will do. It will give me a reasonable idea (i think).
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  • Profile picture of the author Akogo
    If your readers are used to this style of writing or they know this is your personality, then it might work. The only way to know if it will work is to test it. But, it might seem out of character to some of your readers if they are used to your normal emails. Some sales copy writers believe being clever for the sake of being clever is not a good idea.
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    • Profile picture of the author MrLeN
      Originally Posted by Akogo View Post

      If your readers are used to this style of writing or they know this is your personality, then it might work. The only way to know if it will work is to test it. But, it might seem out of character to some of your readers if they are used to your normal emails. Some sales copy writers believe being clever for the sake of being clever is not a good idea.
      Well, all my fist emails are very professional and contain no childishness. I just figure that by the 12th email (since they haven't registered on my site yet), I might as well try coaxing them into clicking to my site with something that will make them raise an eyebrow and think: "is this guy for real?".. The way I see it, I've not got them interested by being serious and professional, maybe a bit of stupidity will loosen them up
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      • Profile picture of the author Frank Donovan
        Not sure why you're asking for advice, if all you're going to do is argue with the responses.

        In any case, here's where you should be posting any sales copy thread:

        The Copywriting Forum
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  • Profile picture of the author Max Anderson
    I like the style of the email, however I wouldn´t click your link.... because why should I? What are some of the benefits of your company and why should I use your company instead of company XY who promises similar benefits.

    HEAPS of cash! -> Once is enough...

    But MyCompany will give you what you want: <Benefits Here>

    <P.P.S. Why they don´t want to miss it and why they should take action now!>

    <link>
    Signature

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  • Profile picture of the author gcbmark20
    Hi,

    It's great that you're even willing to send out an email to your list.

    So many don't even bother emailing their lists after building lists into their 1000's.

    Even worse allowing their lists to go without even hearing from them
    after weeks on end.

    So at least you've made a start.

    I can see you've gone with a story to catch the attention of your
    readers.

    That's good!

    Though I would recommend you tell your readers YOUR STORY!

    Rather than Santas story.

    People want to know you, get to know what you're about, what you
    can do for them.

    Tell them what you're going to be sending them and how often with
    your emails.

    Be yourself! Find your 5% - 10% of followers who will follow you
    to the end.

    These are the ones who will get your business moving and give you that
    great belief and momentum in your business.

    The first few emails you send out to your lists are vital to how successful
    the rest of your emails are going to be.

    You must be others lists yourself right?

    What has impressed you when you've opened up other marketers
    emails?

    Were they open, did they tell you their story, did they help you?

    Get a feel for what works and use that as a way of getting your point
    across and allowing others to trust your views, opinions and recommendations
    as a marketer.

    Good luck and have a great day

    Gavin
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  • Profile picture of the author David Edwin
    Well, I like the fact that you're emailing your list regularly, (I'm on lists that go months without contact)! I thought at first you were aiming at a children's niche. Obviously not. You need to make the reader WANT to click through and to be honest it doesn't happen here. Find emails that made you WANT to click through and rewrite them. Just an idea!

    D:
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  • Profile picture of the author brutecky
    Not very good. You spend all your time trying to be funny(but its not) and no timr on pushing the product. Id click the unsub button if I got this one.
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  • Profile picture of the author muffty
    It wouldn't convert where I'm concerned - just like the above it would be the unsub button - sorry!!!!
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  • Profile picture of the author gasman
    I read the headline and I automatically thought "spam delete." Although you are on the right track in that your headline should get them interested, in my opinion that wouldn't be the way.
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  • Profile picture of the author RandyChen
    I don't think it will convert too well. Sounds like spam at first glance. 5 of your first lines contains description about Santa...I think it should at least explain something about your product or service in those first couple of lines.
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  • Profile picture of the author Randall Magwood
    I think the subject line needs work. More explanation about your company/products needs to be in the body. And get rid of the entire Santa story.

    And i'm a young dude... i have no idea what "Pfft.." means.
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