I am 28 year old female living with my grandmother in the ghetto and I have nothing that I accomplished worth mentioning other than staying alive.
I stop working a few months back and I am at the point where starting over is no longer an option.
I've been starting over all my years now and I am tired of my way of living, I have been a loser(or felt like one) for most of my life.
Depression has become my significant other so to speak, over a decade of misery and disappointment.
At the same time I wonder if it all matters sometimes, it seems as if its so obvious that life is of importance, but...
Why should I care?
Why do I care that I live in a dangerous enviornment filled with death, drugs and povetry?
As humans we adapt to our enviornments, however I don't want to die here!
I always wanted the best for my life and loved ones, but as I am getting older I see so many people are messed up mentally, physically, and spiritually I want to run away from it all!
Could never see myself committing immediate suicide, but a slow way out is what I put myself through.
Drinking, smoking, not taking care of myself while wasting time and money is still suicide in my eyes.
What does it matter though, im just another person right?
Those are my thoughts when I am depressed, then I realize how weak minded that is and I get frustrated and get a beer or two, or three.
I understand everyone has problems and things they go through, I am only venting before I make another bad decision.
Yes in the minds of some I'm just another spoiled intitled millenial, and to some extent that is true.
However I don't embrace that and I am ready to grow up and take responsibility!
I have jumped into so many opportunities and never stuck with anything in my life so you can imagine the mentality.
While being around people who are mentally poor!
If you didn't know, depression stinks and if/when I make it out of this I will dedicate my time to those who face depression!
For now, I am looking for a job while also keeping myself out of trouble within my enviornment, practicing martial arts and such.
I really had to vent for a moment before I gave up and walked the streets, and knowing I would end up on some weird drugs or dead!
Sometimes I really hate who I am and my life then sometimes I love it, very sad excuse for a person
All feedback is welcomed, I am numb to pain and being disrespected. I only wanted to let it out!
I do understand the contradictions in my life, heck I am a walking contradiction!
How do I fix it? Maybe I was born to die?
Time will reveal the truth, hopefully I come back here with better more positive news!
Have a great memorial weekend with your families!