How to stop being a people Pleaser?

9 replies
Any tips to get rid of the habit of pleasing people and being more secure and confident?
#people #pleaser #stop
  • Profile picture of the author mikehuff
    Sometimes, don't let your spouse finish in bed.

    I'm just kidding, but it WILL have to start with something small. Next time somebody asks you to help them do something for them and you're in the middle of doing something yourself, tell them so.

    You've got to train people how you're going to act consistently. If it's really been a problem, this will take work and time. Good luck.
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  • Profile picture of the author JeniferStarr
    That's tough if you have the natural tendency to be a people pleaser. I suffer from this disorder as well.

    My greatest tip is to learn to say no. Before I say yes I make sure I'm saying yes to something that isn't harmful to me (for example, stealing work time or draining me of too much energy). It's hard at first, but with practice it gets easier. Then I can feel good about the things I say yes to.
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  • Profile picture of the author garyisonline
    If everybody had a little bit of people pleaser in them, the world might be a better place. So don't give it all up and do the it's all about me routine either.

    But, I think being a people pleaser is sometimes more about trying win peoples' approval and getting them to like us than it is wanting them to actually be pleased. And without confidence in ourselves we are afraid they will either not like us, or worse, tell everybody they know that they don't like us. So many times we go overboard trying to get that like and approval at a greater personal cost to ourselves. And many times that like and approval is fleeting and short lived, so it's going to cost us even more long term. Til we are completely miserable!

    So maybe the first step can be switching our mindset from wanting to be liked to instead wanting to be respected. Because very rarely does one's conditional like and acceptance come along with the same measure of respect. And most of the time the cost of pleasing them WAY outweighs the consequences of just sending them packing.

    So then maybe we can be more calculating with our relationships instead:

    1) Define what a potentially healthy long-term relationship would look like. One that has acceptable terms for both of us. If it's not possible, run! OR we move on to step 2.
    2) Communicate both ways to create a win-win.
    3) Proactively set boundaries and limits so that they are expectations and not surprises. Installing boundaries and expectations are much easier at the beginning than trying to painfully insert them into a wounded relationship later.
    4) Set a review date a month or so down the road. Then on that day ask, "So how do you feel it's going?"

    Many times I think our potential "pleasies" really don't want to cheat us. We can do it to ourselves plenty well enough, thank you very much! But usually we only think they will require so much. But in fact, for us to burn out or worse yet, wig out down the road is not pleasant for them either.

    So setting things up with thick lines from the start really does make relationships more fulfilling and peaceful for us people pleasers. It takes that self-imposed stress off because we know what they expect in advance...and visa versa.

    People pleasing is just like a lies to us, but then turns on us in a very bad way.

    But then at the same time, now that we know first hand the miserable plight of a people pleaser, let's not be one of those ding-dongs who preys on people pleasers.

    Good luck to us!
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  • Profile picture of the author venkateshk
    If you ask me, don't do things to please people. Your approach should be to think if you can give back to them what they need or ask for from you. If you want to offer or help someone, try to think if you can fulfil their requirements even before committing to the request, just to please them.
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  • Profile picture of the author Henri Lind
    All my life i've been trying to please people...And not in a good way.

    And was waiting for approval from them etc.

    This thing needed to stop. It was after graduation when i started realizing im not like that anymore and i knew that it wasnt because of me. It were the so called "friends" around me who made me like that. Not all of them obviously.

    Now i only surround myself with people who are positive people, who dont bring you down with them if they suck.

    Whenever i shared my opinion, it got loaded with bs. Then when this all started, didnt have much confidence.

    More than 2 years after graduation now, I don't care anymore what the negative people think, and i do and think what i want to do and think.

    It may not be totally your fault that your not confident and secure.

    Just my opinion.

    You just need to know that we are here for you!
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  • Profile picture of the author AmilieLarson
    Actually, I'm a little of that kind as well, I'm a bit confused as to what they might think and it would be rude if I reject what they ask for. But sometimes it has bought myself to trouble too, as doing what they want will only delay what we want,

    Yet I don't think having a little bit of people pleaser in you would be bad, just be confident and speak out at times. But don't give it all up, or you might turn into someone harsh? That's what I think.
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  • Profile picture of the author Michael Ten
    To stop trying to please others to the point of it negatively affecting your own life, work on caring less about what others think about you.
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  • Profile picture of the author ezinewriter
    I think, one should always learn to say no. You can't say yes to everything. It is very important to communicate our needs to others
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    • Profile picture of the author mikehuff
      Originally Posted by ezinewriter View Post

      I think, one should always learn to say no. You can't say yes to everything. It is very important to communicate our needs to others
      For sure. That said, there are a LOT of people that just ask and ask and ask. Be thankful you're not one of them! You have some sense.
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