Don't Argue, Agree, Ask Questions.

Hi Warriors,

Have you ever gotten into an argument with someone? Answer is probably yes. Did the argument ever turn out good in your favor? Chances are ... probably not.

Humans are emotional and prideful creatures. No matter what logic another person might use to persuade you, we will always want to believe we are correct; our feelings or pride get hurt when we are not.

For example lets look at the two outcomes of winning an argument.

1.) You might convince the other person you are correct and they might decide to change their ways.

2.) Your ego is satisfied having won the argument -- or if you lost -- your pride/feelings will be hurt and you will resent the other person even if he/she was actually correct.

Try to put yourself in the other persons shoes. We don't like to admit we are wrong and if you lost you would not feel very good at the end of it, and will probably not want to talk to that person anymore.

I would get in arguments with my dad all the time. Every-time he would prove me right about whatever he was talking about, like why my business idea was bad or why I should do this or that, but all it did was make me resent talking to him or getting his opinion for fear of being rejected and talked down to (even if he was correct). Who wants to talk to that kind of person?

So if we win or lose the argument we still ultimately lose...

Yes that is what I'm saying. There is no benefit to arguing at all.

"But... how do we convince the other person then if we can't argue?"

The Answer: "You Don't. Only they can convince themselves."

People don't like to be sold to or convinced on a subject; they would much rather be the one to make that decision.

Here are some of the most important things we care about as humans.

1. Health and the preservation of life.
2. Food
3. Sleep
4. Money and the things money will buy
5. Life in the hereafter
6. Sexual gratification
7. The well-being of our children
8. A feeling of importance.

A feeling of importance is really key. We all want to feel important. Even if our job is the janitor we appreciate it when someone says our name and acknowledges our existence. This is far more important than even money and in my opinion is really undervalued.

This is why even if you win the argument it does not help because you damage the opponents sense of importance.

So instead of arguing since it does not get anywhere, I would suggest first say 'Yes' to whatever they are saying and show them appreciation for their side of the argument. This will make most people put their guard down and make them feel important. Then you could take a different approach.

First, never lie, but find something that you truly find interesting in the other persons argument. Then...

I would say something like, "I believe you are correct about so and so, (or that is a really interesting opinion). I'm usually wrong, in fact I am most of the time, but here is some facts I found that I would like your opinion on regarding the subject so you can be even more informed. I'm curious your opinion?"

Doing this shows that you really value their opinion (importance) and will make it easier to talk with them. Also you are stating that you are wrong most of the time making them more sympathetic to your facts to prove that you might be right.

During the conversation you never want to tell the other person they are wrong. This will just put them on the defensive. For all you know, you could be wrong as well.

By doing this you can layout your opinions with facts and let them decide for themselves if their position is still what they thought it was without them feeling hurt or attacked. Since ultimately only they can really decide anyways.

This will put you in good favor with the person and you may even find that you were wrong and learned something new from the person, and if they do like your facts you brought to their attention they will take it to heart and actually change without their feelings being hurt and they will respect your opinions more.

During the conversation avoid giving opinions and ask questions. There was a friend I talked to once, where I literally didn't talk at all during the conversation. All I did was respond back with questions and just listened and at the end of the conversation he thanked me for being a good conversationalist. A good conversationalist? I didn't say anything though?

Point is, by just listening and asking questions people will feel important and better connected to you. People don't want to hear what you have to say, they want to hear what they want to say. If you keep this in mind you will keep yourself out of trouble and gain the good will of the other person which is far more important than the argument itself.

Either way it's a lot more fun to do this then to argue and be on the defensive. This is a much more friendly approach in my opinion to trying to get your points across and make a difference. The best part is the person will respect you more as well since you respected their feelings.

I'm curious your experiences with arguments in the past and if you think my approach would help the next time.

... maybe you can even practice what I just preached on me if you have a differing opinion. I'm open to everything and learning new things to improve my social skills.

Best Regards,
Joe