A Happy Birthday To Claude, The Big One!

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Join me in congratulating the Bard on this milestone in his life!

Well, here we are at last. Happy Birthday Claude. 01/06/1955 - ????? (This tombstone to be updated)]

For sixty Inglorious years this man has walked the planet, apart from the first three where he crawled. It would have been a lot longer except his parents hit upon the idea of hanging snacks from the mobile above his cot.

Claude is a highly respected business man and public figure in his home town. The mayor once said to him: "Claude, this town aint big enough for the both of us, But You Are!"

Claude's hair was once 50 shades of grey. Then it turned pink.

Of late, a lot of female owls have been hanging about outside both Claude's store and at his home in the trailer park. It is rumored that they all find him attractive. Whenever one was asked what it was doing there, it would only ever say: "To Whit, To Woo"

I would now like to present to you an extract from my forthcoming book, a completely unauthorized biography of Claude, over 1600 pages long, now nearing completion.

Title: "Claude Whitacre, No Loss Of Ego"
Subtitle: " The Man, The Myth, The Doughnuts"
Chapter 1: "A Difficult Birth"

It was the 6th of January 1955. In the little Shire of Wooster Ohio a massive storm was raging overhead. It seemed to be centered over the local hospital. However, inside no one was aware of it. The thunder had been completely drowned out for the last 6 hours by the incredibly loud screaming and wailing of Mrs Whitacre in the delivery room, trying to push this Massive Head out through her cervix.

Eventually the thunder said to the lightning, I'm off, just no appreciation here and the storm moved away.

The medical team had tried everything to get this baby to come forth. (it eventually came 5th) They had used butter, I can't believe it's not butter, margarine, surely you can't be serious, this is never margarine, cooking oil, crude oil. They had even called in Jiffy Lube and a road widening crew, but to no avail. It would not budge. After the laying out of high saturated fat snacks at the opening failed they decided to take a break.

Mrs Whitacre was covered in sweat by this time and feeling a little hoarse. The nurse shooed the pony out of the room and told her to take a rest.

The medical team sat back down in their folding beer chairs to ponder the situation and wait. Sipping on her Pina Colada, nurse Chappell engaged the handsome young doctor in conversation about the recent spate of flying saucer sightings in the area. Lighting a big cigar shaped object, the doctor skillfully steered the conversation away to the state of modern physics and the recently discovered, Quantum Theory concepts.

It was like a catalyst. Suddenly there was movement. The top of a pink, pudgy, bald head was protruding through the opening. I can see the head, exclaimed the nurse. Ten minutes later she said, I can still see the head, the eyes have just come into view, a further 10 minutes passed and the nose was visible. Nurse Chappell likened it to waiting at a crossing for one of those mile long freight trains to go by. Five minutes later the double chin finally exited the building.

The rest of the body was so narrow by comparison, Mrs Whitacare literally squirted it out with ease. Such was the force that it shot a few feet across the room into the net they had waiting.
The doctor scooped it up a and laid it on the nicotine stained couch for closer examination. There was a problem, the baby was turning purple and the umbilical cord was wrapped tightly around its neck and choking it.

Dr Ralph Riffle whipped out his rusty Swiss army knife to cut it away. Suddenly, just as he was about to start, he hesitated. He had a premonition wash over him. For some reason he felt that this helpless child would one day be persecuting a future son of his. It was so strong he clenched his fists and was saying, tighter, tighter, in his mind.

Nurse Chappell nudged him, he snapped out of it, he dismissed these strange thoughts and feverishly cut away the chord to free the obstruction to the windpipe.

The baby gasped for air and began to breathe. The first thing that came out of its mouth though was not the expected, normal baby sounds. Shivers went up the spines of the medical team as it was heard to say: "Oh No, Not Again" Then, nature kicked in and this remnant, past life memory was instantly lost. The baby started crying. Even that was not quite right though as it went: Blaaaahhh, Blaaahhh, Blahhhhhh!

The nurse picked up the baby and bathed it, washing away the pizza from its body. This child was the only occurrence in recorded history that had been taking food directly from its mothers stomach to its mouth.

The nurse wrapped it in an old blanket they found in the wash basket and handed it to the waiting arms of its mother. She stared down adoringly into those large, jet black (rather alien) almond shaped eyes.

At that point Mr Whitacre came in the room. Well, he said, that baby certainly Clawed its way into this world. Let's call it Brenda. Don’t be silly, said Mrs Whitacre, it’s a boy. Oh, said her husband, It was an honest mistake, I had not noticed anything much Down There……….
  • Profile picture of the author Richard Van
    Happy Birthday Claude.

    Will you do a video of Hunter running around the vacuum shop in your bubble wrap suit while you sing "Happy Birthday to me"?

    I'd like to see it's response on YouTube.

    Have a splendid day.

    Ian, I fear, like your name, that you may have too much time today. Very funny post though.
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  • Profile picture of the author Kurt
    Claude is so old, he bet $10 on Ben Hur to "show" in the 4th.
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    • Profile picture of the author Richard Van
      When you said "A Happy Birthday To Claude, The Big One!" were you referring to his age or his waist?

      From the last bit his Dad said when he was born I'm assuming it's not the other thingy WC would be thinking of.
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  • Profile picture of the author WalkingCarpet
    Banned
    Obi Wan said 'That's no moon, that's Joseph'
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  • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
    Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

    Join me in congratulating the Bard on this milestone in his life!

    Well, here we are at last. Happy Birthday Claude. 01/06/1955 - ????? (This tombstone to be updated)]
    .
    Ian; First, I'm honored that you posted this. It was a very pleasant surprise when I first got to my office.

    And yes, it was a difficult birth. How difficult? My Birthday is actually the 6th, 7th, and 8th of January.
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    • Profile picture of the author Richard Van
      Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

      Ian; First, I'm honored that you posted this. It was a very pleasant surprise when I first got to my office.

      And yes, it was a difficult birth. How difficult? My Birthday is actually the 6th, 7th, and 8th of January.
      Not that this means anything but it's my Dad's birthday today, my sisters on Friday and I'm next week. And my best friend is the day after mine. My cousin in Sydney is the 4th.

      What on Earth it is about April I'll never know but it's clearly been going on for quite some time.
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      • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
        Originally Posted by Richard Van View Post

        Not that this means anything but it's my Dad's birthday today, my sisters on Friday and I'm next week. And my best friend is the day after mine. My cousin in Sydney is the 4th.

        What on Earth it is about April I'll never know but it's clearly been going on for quite some time.
        Maybe "April showers" means something other than what we thought it meant.

        Your Dad and I share the birthday of Sherlock Holmes....unless...

        Richard. I am your Father!

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        • Profile picture of the author whateverpedia
          Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

          Richard. I am your Father!
          Richard is probably heaving a sigh of relief over that since the baldness gene skips a generation.
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        • Profile picture of the author Kurt
          Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

          Maybe "April showers" means something other than what we thought it meant.
          Wouldn't that make you Claude Rains?
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          • Profile picture of the author tagiscom
            Originally Posted by Kurt View Post

            No one is ever willingly in the same room as Claude. The only time there's someone in the same room is if they are chained to a wall in Walking Carpets basement.
            FIxed that one!

            Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

            All Claude sees in that pic, Shane, is a phallic donut mountain. It will confuse and confound him because he won't know whether to eat it or, well...
            No, on the day of the photo shoot, we had bought a donut truck full of dunuts in, but Claude had got to them all by the time we were ready!

            Realizing that costs for the Cover shoot were skyrocketing, we made the momentous decision to go down to the nearest 7/11 and buy some display donuts that had been there for years!

            We thought that he won't eat these, but found him taking a bite none the less. After all strong lights and donuts with a coating of Furniture Varnish is too tempting by far!

            But as a last resort we put him in a mirror booth with one donut and let nature take its course!

            The whimpering and howling got a bit too much, (especially since he threated us with legal action, if he wasn't on set) so we gave him his cherished donut, and eventually let him out!

            Arrrr,....we had to pay a professional cleaner to clearn up the mess, though!

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          • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
            Originally Posted by Kurt View Post

            Wouldn't that make you Claude Rains?
            Damn it! That was Brilliant.
            added later; Actually, I'd spell it "Claude Reigns"

            Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

            All Claude sees in that pic, Shane, is a phallic donut mountain. It will confuse and confound him because he won't know whether to eat it or, well...
            Dan; I'd flirt with it, either way.
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    • Profile picture of the author Mike Anthony
      Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

      And yes, it was a difficult birth. How difficult? My Birthday is actually the 6th, 7th, and 8th of January.
      Was that because it was hard for you to come into this world or because they were trying hard to keep you from it?

      I never know with threads about you but if it really is your birthday. Happy Birthday to you my man and may you have many more
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  • Profile picture of the author Kurt
    Claude is so old, women (and men) no longer date him. They carbon date him.
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  • Profile picture of the author whateverpedia
    When Claude was born, the doctor slapped his mother.
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    • Profile picture of the author tagiscom
      Originally Posted by whateverpedia View Post

      When Claude was born, the doctor slapped his mother.
      And his Father went to the nearest pub, shaking his head thinking, "I am the destroyer of worlds"!



      I gotta find the cover for this one, Happy Birthday, Joe, oh, ummm, Claude, (Joe is your alias, keep forgetting)!

      Now you can go get that Tuxeto Bubble Wrap suit you always wanted!

      But don't show the video for that one here, we have been scarred for life enough times, he, he!

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  • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
    Claude, happy birthday and many less.
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    • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
      Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

      Claude, happy birthday and many less.
      Yup..Claude Whitacre...one year closer to death.

      You and I should write greeting cards.
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      • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
        Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

        Yup..Claude Whitacre...one year closer to death.

        You and I should write greeting cards.
        You could certainly both write Grating Cards
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        • Profile picture of the author BigFrank
          Banned
          When Claude was born his parents sent a picture in to Ripley's Believe It Or Not.

          They responded, "Sorry. We don't believe it."

          Happy Birthday, Claude. Many happy returns.

          Cheers. - Frank
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          • Profile picture of the author Enfusia
            Happy Birthday Claude,

            Today is also my Birthday too!

            Mine only took one day I'm told.

            Patrick
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            • Profile picture of the author Kurt
              Originally Posted by Enfusia View Post

              Happy Birthday Claude,

              Today is also my Birthday too!

              Mine only took one day I'm told.

              Patrick
              Happy birthday Patrick. It's too bad you share a birthday with Claude. It's like having a birthday on the anniversary of a catastrophic event, like Pearl Harbor.
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              • Profile picture of the author Enfusia
                Originally Posted by Kurt View Post

                Happy birthday Patrick. It's too bad you share a birthday with Claude. It's like having a birthday on the anniversary of a catastrophic event, like Pearl Harbor.
                Agreed, only I was thinking more like Bastille Day!

                Thank you Kurt.
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                • Profile picture of the author positivenegative
                  To the man who lights up the OTF (60 watt you'll note - one for each of your years), and hails from the land of the mighty Superman (according to this daft bulb).

                  Many happy returns, Mr Hoover.

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              • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
                Originally Posted by Kurt View Post

                Happy birthday Patrick. It's too bad you share a birthday with Claude. It's like having a birthday on the anniversary of a catastrophic event, like Pearl Harbor.
                ......or the day Kurt was released from Guantanamo.
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                • Profile picture of the author Dennis Gaskill
                  .
                  Happy Birthday, Claude!

                  Originally Posted by Kay King View Post

                  Yayyyyyyyyy

                  Claude is old now!
                  Kay, look at him. He was old before he was old.


                  Originally Posted by Enfusia View Post

                  Happy Birthday Claude,

                  Today is also my Birthday too!

                  Mine only took one day I'm told.

                  Patrick
                  Happy Birthday to you, too, Patrick.
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            • Profile picture of the author Cali16
              Originally Posted by Enfusia View Post

              Today is also my Birthday too!

              Mine only took one day I'm told.

              Patrick
              And Happy Birthday to you, Patrick!

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            • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
              Originally Posted by Enfusia View Post

              Happy Birthday Claude,

              Today is also my Birthday too!

              Mine only took one day I'm told.

              Patrick
              Patrick;

              The guys are teasing me, because I'm that kind of guy. But really, you're the one that should have his own Birthday thread. You served our country, and put yourself in harms way. That beats anything I could come up with, by a mile.

              It's an honor to share our Birthday.
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              • Profile picture of the author Enfusia
                Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

                Patrick;

                The guys are teasing me, because I'm that kind of guy. But really, you're the one that should have his own Birthday thread. You served our country, and put yourself in harms way. That beats anything I could come up with, by a mile.

                It's an honor to share our Birthday.
                Thank you very much, very kind of you to say.

                Patrick
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              • Profile picture of the author Jack Gordon
                Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

                Patrick;

                The guys are teasing me, because I'm that kind of guy. But really, you're the one that should have his own Birthday thread. You served our country, and put yourself in harms way. That beats anything I could come up with, by a mile.

                It's an honor to share our Birthday.
                You, sir, are out of line.

                The OT forum is no place for naked displays of humility and class.

                Naked cheerleaders would be more appropriate.

                You, sir, should be ashamed.

                P.S. Patrick, no offense is intended towards the completely separate issues of your birthday or your selfless service. Happy birthday, and thank you.
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                • Profile picture of the author tagiscom
                  Originally Posted by HeySal View Post

                  Well, see now, Claude - you insulted me only a few months too early. You've now reached the stage of geeserhood that you can say anything to anyone and they will just pass you off as a senile old koot. I rather enjoy the age myself.

                  Happy Birthday.

                  Patrick - Happy Birthday to you, too. The senile old koot is right. You do deserve your own thread..

                  Senile old koot, studmuffin, God, Joe, too many names, we might have to ask the mods for a new section,....?

                  Yes, the hatchet is buried, but if you hope to see your face next to a sexy screen siren, nope, maybe in 6 months?



                  Donut King is another one, hmmmmm, l have heard that before?

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                  • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
                    Originally Posted by tagiscom View Post

                    Senile old koot, studmuffin, God, Joe, too many names, we might have to ask the mods for a new section,....?

                    Yes, the hatchet is buried, but if you hope to see your face next to a sexy screen siren, nope, maybe in 6 months?



                    Donut King is another one, hmmmmm, l have heard that before?

                    One who has many names is known as Legion or God, or Lucifer. Your post is food for his ego and his grin will grow wide and stay like that for many days, frightening his customers and will cause him to lose business.

                    The Ouija board has spoken.
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                    • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
                      Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

                      One who has many names is known as Legion or God, or Lucifer. Your post is food for his ego and his grin will grow wide and stay like that for many days, frightening his customers and will cause him to lose business.

                      The Ouija board has spoken.
                      Lucifer wishes he was me. And I head the Ouija Board Of Directors.


                      I've kept a list of everyone here who did not wish me a happy birthday.

                      Next Christmas? A lump of coal in their diaper. I am Santa Claude. Hear me roar.

                      And I am known by many names. My enemies (who are legion) call me "The Man With No Name...Claude Whitacre".

                      (I got that from my favorite Futurama character, Zapp Brannigan.)

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                      • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
                        Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

                        Lucifer wishes he was me. And I head the Ouija Board Of Directors.


                        I've kept a list of everyone here who did not wish me a happy birthday.

                        Next Christmas? A lump of coal in their diaper. I am Santa Claude. Hear me roar.

                        And I am known by many names. My enemies (who are legion) call me "The Man With No Name...Claude Whitacre".
                        "Ouija Board of Directors"

                        That's a good one.

                        A lump of coal in their diaper? Looks like the adult baby fetishists have stayed away in their droves this year. Still, Dennis showed up finally and that more than makes up for it.
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                        • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
                          Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

                          "Ouija Board of Directors"

                          That's a good one.

                          A lump of coal in their diaper? Looks like the adult baby fetishists have stayed away in their droves this year. Still, Dennis showed up finally and that more than makes up for it.
                          The fact that you actually said "Adult baby fetishist" means that they probably really exist. That thought is hilarious to me.
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                          • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
                            Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

                            The fact that you actually said "Adult baby fetishist" means that they probably really exist. That thought is hilarious to me.
                            No joke, Bill Gates was and probably still is one of them. He used to frequent a London Fetish club that catered for it. And no, was not just for a laugh.

                            Let the jokes begin...
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                      • Profile picture of the author Frank Donovan
                        Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

                        I've kept a list of everyone here who did not wish me a happy birthday.
                        Alright already! Happy Birthday, Claude.

                        Now can I please have my ball back?


                        .
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                        • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
                          Originally Posted by Frank Donovan View Post

                          Alright already! Happy Birthday, Claude.

                          Now can I please have my ball back?


                          .
                          OK, but only one. I sold the other one to Riffle, after convincing him that it was a Jawbreaker.
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                          • Profile picture of the author BigFrank
                            Banned
                            Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

                            OK, but only one. I sold the other one to Riffle, after convincing him that it was a Jawbreaker.
                            M & M. - F.
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                            • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
                              Originally Posted by BigFrank View Post

                              M & M. - F.
                              Riffle just sits there, waiting for it to melt in his mouth.....as he does with everything.
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                • Profile picture of the author AprilCT
                  I'm late to the party, as usual. Happy Birthday to Claude and Patrick.
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  • Profile picture of the author sbucciarel
    Banned
    Happy Birthday Claude ... after Lanfear's post, that's all I got. Who could top that?
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    • Profile picture of the author Kay King
      Yayyyyyyyyy

      Claude is old now!
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  • Profile picture of the author Jack Gordon
    Q: What did Claude say when he got a comb for his birthday?
    A: Thanks. I'll never part with it!

    Happy birthday Claude. You should feel warm from all the roasting you get. But the moment it feels hot, run like hell because that is likely an angry mob with torches and pitchforks.

    And don't listen to these people - 60 ain't so old. I've owned houses older than that.
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  • Profile picture of the author ghost209
    happy belated birthday to you!!
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    • Profile picture of the author discrat
      Happy Birthday to my Favorite Atheist
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      Nothing to see here including a Sig so just move on :)

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      • Profile picture of the author Cali16
        Happy Birthday, Claude! You're just 10 days (and several years) older than me!

        Hope it's been a good one and don't party too hard!

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        • Profile picture of the author WalkingCarpet
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          Originally Posted by Cali16 View Post

          Happy Birthday, Claude! You're just 10 days (and several years) older than me!

          Hope it's been a good one and don't party too hard!

          So it should be Cali61 not 16?
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  • Profile picture of the author whateverpedia
    Hmm. Claude and Patrick share the same birthday, eh? Has anyone ever seen them in the same room together?
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  • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
    All Claude sees in that pic, Shane, is a phallic donut mountain. It will confuse and confound him because he won't know whether to eat it or, well...
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    Raising a child is akin to knowing you're getting fired in 18 years and having to train your replacement without actively sabotaging them.

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    • Profile picture of the author whateverpedia
      Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

      All Claude sees in that pic, Shane, is a phallic donut mountain. It will confuse and confound him because he won't know whether to intake them orally or, well...
      There. Fixed that for you.
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      Why do garden gnomes smell so bad?
      So that blind people can hate them as well.
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      • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
        Originally Posted by Dan Riffle
        All Claude sees in that pic, Shane, is a phallic donut mountain. It will confuse and confound him because he won't know whether to intake them orally or, well...


        Originally Posted by whateverpedia View Post


        There. Fixed that for you.
        I'm very sorry. Your fantasy of me will go unfulfilled. I gave myself this promise...no new men after my 60th Birthday. If you wish, I'll send a photo of myself, to slobber over. Or, you can borrow Riffle's copy...pre-slobbered on.

        It's me in my new donut textured bubble wrap outfit. Very retro.
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        One Call Closing book https://www.amazon.com/One-Call-Clos...=1527788418&sr

        What if they're not stars? What if they are holes poked in the top of a container so we can breath?
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        • Profile picture of the author positivenegative
          Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post


          It's me in my new donut flavored bubble wrap outfit. Very retro.

          There's a business in there somewhere.


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        • Profile picture of the author whateverpedia
          Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

          <horrific mental picture snipped to prevent mass barfing and/or laughing> Very retro.
          Erm, urr, no thanks. Just send a new copy to Dan.

          Spoken on behalf of all past, present denizens of the OT Forum. In fact, why not send all the copies you made for past, presnt and future denizens of the OT Forum, to Dan. We know you want to give as much as he wants to revieve. Which of course, raises an even more horrific mental image that could induce mass barfing and/or laughing.
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          Why do garden gnomes smell so bad?
          So that blind people can hate them as well.
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  • Profile picture of the author bizgrower
    Happy Birthday, Claude!
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    "If you think you're the smartest person in the room, then you're probably in the wrong room."

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  • Profile picture of the author laurencewins
    Happy Birthday Claude!!!!! It's the 7th here so I couldn't wish you best wishes on your actual birthday as the messages didn't appear.
    Now you're well and truly roasted, you can have a feast.
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    Cheers, Laurence.
    Writer/Editor/Proofreader.

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    • Profile picture of the author Alexa Smith
      Banned
      Oooh, he's older than I thought/expected ... soon be retiring? (Not that I'd ever seen you as "the retiring type", Claude ).

      Many happy Action Replays of the Day's Play ...
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  • Profile picture of the author Diana Lane
    Belated good wishes to the birthday boys - hope you both had a great day
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    Plot short fiction, long fiction, even outline non-fiction * Edit the question prompts to suit your genre * Easily export text and image files for use with your word processor or Scrivener.
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  • Profile picture of the author HeySal
    Well, see now, Claude - you insulted me only a few months too early. You've now reached the stage of geeserhood that you can say anything to anyone and they will just pass you off as a senile old koot. I rather enjoy the age myself.

    Happy Birthday.

    Patrick - Happy Birthday to you, too. The senile old koot is right. You do deserve your own thread..
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    Sal
    When the Roads and Paths end, learn to guide yourself through the wilderness
    Beyond the Path

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