Bad Tasteless Jokes You Still Laugh At

by Kurt
77 replies
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Are there any jokes that are just bad, but you laugh at anyway?

Let's keep it clean...

Here's one I can't help but laugh at...

What kind of wood doesn't float?

Natalie Wood

(I know, but I still find it funny)
  • Profile picture of the author Killer Joe
    Appearently, you can now book a flight by Air France to see the Titanic...


    Here's something you don't see any more in public...dogs...with balls.

    KJ
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  • Profile picture of the author KimW
    I remember when that joke was going around.
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  • Profile picture of the author Lloyd Buchinski
    One that I like.

    Do you know why Ella Fitzgerald refused to marry Darth Vader when he proposed? She thought she could handle the evil forces stuff, but she really did not want people calling her Ella Vader.

    OK it's a pun and there is something about it that is about as dumb as a joke can get, but it is still funny.
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    • Profile picture of the author Emma Ngin
      Originally Posted by Lloyd Buchinski View Post

      One that I like.

      Do you know why Ella Fitzgerald refused to marry Darth Vader when he proposed? She thought she could handle the evil forces stuff, but she really did not want people calling her Ella Vader.

      OK it's a pun and there is something about it that is about as dumb as a joke can get, but it is still funny.
      Lol! I totally agree with you. I don't want to be called by that name too.. C",) thanks for sharing.
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      • Profile picture of the author Lloyd Buchinski
        Originally Posted by Emma Ngin View Post

        I don't want to be called by that name too.. C",)
        I know the feeling. Even if it is true love, there are some things that are just not going to happen.
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        Do something spectacular; be fulfilled. Then you can be your own hero. Prem Rawat

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  • Profile picture of the author HeySal
    The one that put me in stitches was:
    What did the robot say to the gas pump?
    Get your damn finger out of your ear and listen to me.

    A kid told me that one and I absolutely fell out over it.
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    Sal
    When the Roads and Paths end, learn to guide yourself through the wilderness
    Beyond the Path

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    • Profile picture of the author Steven Wagenheim
      Originally Posted by HeySal View Post

      The one that put me in stitches was:
      What did the robot say to the gas pump?
      Get your damn finger out of your ear and listen to me.

      A kid told me that one and I absolutely fell out over it.
      Sal, I love it!

      I gotta tell that one to my daughter and wife when they get home.
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      • Profile picture of the author Steven Wagenheim
        Okay, I got a few. These are really bad.

        Q. What do they call a guy with no arms and legs laying on your front stoop?

        A. Matt


        Q. What do they call a guy with no arms and legs floating in the water?

        A. Bowie or Bob


        Q. What do they call a guy with no arms and legs in a school?

        A. Jim


        Mommy-Mommy jokes.

        Mommy, mommy, I don't wanna visit grandma.

        Shut up and keep digging.


        Mommy, mommy, I don't want hamburger for dinner.

        Shut up and put your arm back in the meat grinder.


        I'll stop there before I start getting stuff thrown at me.
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  • Profile picture of the author BurgerBoy
    Did you hear about the blonde that was walking down the sidewalk.

    She walked into a building.
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  • Profile picture of the author KimW
    Thanks for making me feel real old Steven.
    The bad handicap jokes.
    The mommy mommy jokes.
    What's next, the pink elephant jokes?
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    • Profile picture of the author KimW
      What goes ha ha ha

      Thump?














































      A man laughing his head off.
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    • Profile picture of the author Steven Wagenheim
      Originally Posted by KimW View Post

      Thanks for making me feel real old Steven.
      The bad handicap jokes.
      The mommy mommy jokes.
      What's next, the pink elephant jokes?
      Kim, I remember being in grammar school back in the mid 60s and hearing
      the kids tell these jokes.

      I have no idea where they got them from.
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  • Profile picture of the author Jagged
    A guy walks into a Psychiatrists office...screeming....I'm a WigWam...I'm a TeePee....I'm a WigWam...I'm a TeePee....

    The Psychiatrist says......Calm down....calm down....your "just too tense" (tents)

    I was "very" drunk when I first heard this....laughed for well over an hour. Still cracks me up & I have no idea why....lol
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  • Profile picture of the author webpromotions
    Why do so many women like to wear big hooped earrings?

    ....

    So they have a place to rest their ankles.
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  • Profile picture of the author Michael Ellis
    Did you know beer makes you smarter?

    It made Bud wiser.
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    • Profile picture of the author netstarmobile
      It has been reported that because Michael Jackson had so much plastic in his
      body from all the surgeries, that instead of burying him. They are going to melt him down and make lego blocks out of him. That way little boys can play with him, for a change.



      Alright I know it's sick
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  • Profile picture of the author netstarmobile
    One of the sickest jokes of all time.
    What has 100,000 legs and can't walk?
    Jerry's Kids.
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    • Profile picture of the author Killer Joe
      Three archaeology students are walking through the jungle when they accidentally tread on a ferocious tribe's ancient burial ground.

      Suddenly they are surrounded by a group of fierce warriors and brought before the chieftain. The chieftain explains that they have commited a great crime against his ancestors and must pay for their mistake.

      He offers them one of two choices...either Death...or Magambo.

      The first student he singles out begs "Please don't kill me...I'll choose Magambo.

      So a group of warriors hurries him off into the jungle where the other two hear his screams of horror and anquish for over an hour.

      Upon returning the first student looks at the other two and cries "I should have chosen death! Twenty-six of those warriors tied me over a log and had their way with me. God, I wish I had chosen death!"

      Now the chieftain turns to the second student and asks "Well, Death or Magambo?"

      The second lad hears his buddy crying "Pick death, pick death, you don't want Magambo!" But fearing death he chooses Magambo and off he goes with another group of warriors dragging him into the jungle.

      Again the screams of agony and horror penetrate the jungle silence as the large group of warriors extract their revenge on the second student. Upon his being brought back to the others he also laments that he didn't choose death.

      Now the chieftain turns to the last student and asks "Death or Magambo?"

      The first two lads who are writhing in unbearable pain and suffering are screaming "Pick death, pick death, you don't want to go through this!"

      So the third student confused by all he has seen says "I'll pick death, give me death, I can't go through with what you did to my friends!"

      At which point the chieftain holds his spear high in the air and yells "DEATH!.....by Magambo!"


      KJ
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      • Profile picture of the author Killer Joe
        A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

        "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

        "Actually, no," he replied.

        "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

        "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?"

        "Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

        "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

        "Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

        KJ
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  • Profile picture of the author Robert78
    hi,
    what has legs; however, it cannot walk.

    answer-chair


    ha ha ha ha ,,,,,,,,
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  • Profile picture of the author Emily Meeks
    What's brown and sticky?

    A stick.

    >
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    In all that you do, know your True INTENT...

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    • Profile picture of the author garyv
      Originally Posted by moneysoapbox View Post

      What's brown and sticky?

      A stick.

      >
      I don't know why this one is cracking me up? I've read it 3 times and now I'm crying. I must be really tired.
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  • Profile picture of the author HeySal
    More of yours for you, Steve

    Mommy Mommy, I hate my sister's guts
    You shut up and eat whats on your plate.

    Mommy Mommy, Can I go see Grandma?
    You dig her up one more time.............

    Mrs. Johnson - can tommy come out and play baseball with us.
    That is mean, you know tommy has no arms and legs.
    Yeah we know - but we need a second base.

    WHat do you call a guy who hangs on the wall?
    Art

    What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
    Ilene
    What do you call her in Japan?
    Irene.

    Why did they stop the Leper's charity hockey game?
    There was a face off in the corner.

    What's easier to unload, a truck full of watermelons or a truck full
    of dead babies?
    The dead babies because you can use a pitchfork.

    Two cannibals are eating a clown. One looks to the other and asks
    "Does this taste funny to you?

    A priest a rabbi and a lawyer walk into a bar
    THe bartender says, is this a joke?
    Signature

    Sal
    When the Roads and Paths end, learn to guide yourself through the wilderness
    Beyond the Path

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  • Profile picture of the author garyv
    How do you catch a Polar Bear?

    You cut a hole in the ice, you empty a can of green peas in a circle around the hole and hide. When the bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.

    What do you call a guy with no arms or legs, but can still carry your lunch?

    Tray
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  • Profile picture of the author Kurt
    What's the difference between a brown noser and a butt kisser?

    Depth perception.
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  • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
    Little Johnny comes home from school early... Mom is in the shower.

    He walks into the bathroom to tell Mom he's home, and as he steps through the door, Mom steps out of the shower naked.

    "MOM!" Johnny gasps. "What is THAT between your legs?"

    "Oh, um... that's where Daddy hit me with an Axe", Mom replies.

    Johnny thinks for a second and says, "Hmm... Pretty good shot, he gotcha right in the c--t"

    The end.

    Equally tasteless...

    Killer Joe and his best friend are sitting on the front porch on a hot Virginia summer afternoon. Joe's Bluetick hound is lazily licking himself between the legs.

    Joe's buddy says, "Boy... I wish *I* could do that..."

    Joe looks over at the hound and then at his friend and says, "Ooohh he'd bite you..."

    Really the end.
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  • Profile picture of the author HeySal
    Did ya hear the Energizer rabbit was arrested? Charged with battery.

    Did you know Micky Mouse just divorced Mini?
    He said she was F**king goofy.

    A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but wrapped in seran wrap.
    Psychiatrist says: I can clearly see your nuts.
    Signature

    Sal
    When the Roads and Paths end, learn to guide yourself through the wilderness
    Beyond the Path

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  • Profile picture of the author derekwong28
    What has the KGB and oral sex got in common?

    One slip of the tongue and you are in the shit!
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    Do not get between a wombat and a chocolate biscuit; you will regret it dearly!

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    • Profile picture of the author myob
      Changing Light Bulb Jokes


      Q: How many KGB agents does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: Two. One to change it and the other to check for bugs.

      Q: How many Harvard students does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.

      Q: How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: Depends on what you want to change it into.

      Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinates to actually change it.

      Q: How many union members does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: 50. It's in the contract.

      Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: None. It's a hardware problem.

      Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: None. Any changes will have to be implemented in software.

      Q: How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.

      Q: How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: Only one, but it may take him/her more than five years to do it.

      Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: Only one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.

      Q: How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.

      Q: How many 'Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of Real Men around to do it.

      Q: How many IBM engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature.

      Q: How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
      A: Five. One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.

      Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
      A: Two. That's all that will fit.

      Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: How many can you afford?

      Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
      A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.

      Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
      A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile...

      Q: How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
      A: None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.

      Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
      A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?

      Q: How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?

      Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

      Q: How many technical writers does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: Just one, provided there is a programmer around to explain how to do it.

      Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.

      Q: How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

      Q: How many database programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to write a program insuring that no one else changes the bulb at the same time.

      Q: How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old one was.

      Q: How many military information officers doed it take to change a light bulb?
      A: At the present point in time it is against policy and the best interests of military strategy to divulge information of such a statistical nature. Next question, please.

      Q: How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: Seventeen. "Do YOU have a problem with that!"

      Q: How many environmentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: If the light bulb is out, that's the way Nature intended it!
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      “If I have seen further than others, it is by standing upon the shoulders of giants.” – Isaac Newton
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      • Profile picture of the author Alexa Smith
        Banned
        [DELETED]
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        • Profile picture of the author ThomM
          What's the last thing to go through a bugs mind when it hits the windshield of a car?






















          Their ass:rolleyes:
          Signature

          Life: Nature's way of keeping meat fresh
          Getting old ain't for sissy's
          As you are I was, as I am you will be
          You can't fix stupid, but you can always out smart it.

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          • Profile picture of the author Killer Joe
            A hunchback with no arms applies for a job to ring the bell in the local steeple.

            The steeple master asks him how in the world is he going to ring the bell when he doesn't have any arms.

            Without hesitation the armless hunchback goes running at the bell and slams his face hard into the bell sending it swinging for the rafters.

            Unfortunately, the hunchback couldn't get out of the way in time, and the bell comes back and knocks him clean out of the bell tower several stories onto the ground.

            As a crowd gathers around the fallen hunchback someone asks "Does anybody know who this guy is?"

            The steeple master says "No, but his face sure rings a bell..."


            KJ
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            • Profile picture of the author Lawrh
              A middle eastern king was down on his money and began to sell off his valuables. The last of these was the Star of the Euphrates, at that time the most valuable diamond in existence. He went to a pawnbroker who offered him 100,000 rials for it. "Are you crazy?", said the king. "I paid one million rials for this gem! Don't you know who I am?"



              The pawnbroker replied, "When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are."
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              “Strategy without action is a day-dream; action without strategy is a nightmare.” – Old Japanese proverb -

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  • Profile picture of the author netstarmobile
    A guy is standing on a street corner, talking to his best friend. They hear a commotion
    about 100 feet away. They look over and see six thugs beating up the guy's mother-in-law. The best friend says, aren't you going to help? No, he says, I don't think they need my help, six is enough to get the job done.
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  • Profile picture of the author The 13th Warrior
    While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over ), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge.

    The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"

    I replied, " I'm late for work ."

    "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

    I responed, "I'm a rectum stretcher."

    The cop said, "What!?!?.....a rectum stretcher?!?..and what does a rectum stretcher do?"

    I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I can get both hand's in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's 6 feet wide."

    The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"

    I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge..."

    The ticket---$95 dollars. The look on his face,
    PRICELESS.
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    • Profile picture of the author myob
      A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices the oil
      pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the
      motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

      After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He
      sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that
      something cold would really hit the spot. He sits down to eat. Having no
      hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

      After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the
      mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up from the engine
      and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

      "No, no," the penguin replies wiping his mouth, "it's just ice cream."
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      “If I have seen further than others, it is by standing upon the shoulders of giants.” – Isaac Newton
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  • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
    Here's a funny vid of that joke. I had forgotten it. : )

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    • Profile picture of the author Killer Joe
      Q: What's the difference between an Oral and a Rectal thermometor?

      A: The taste.


      KJ
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  • Profile picture of the author Dave Allen
    Did you hear about the recent heist?

    Just yesterday, three armed robbers held up a truck full of Viagra.

    Police are currently on the lookout for three hardened criminals.
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    • Profile picture of the author netstarmobile
      I got pulled over for speeding by a state trooper.
      When he came to my window and asked for my license and registration
      I said to him, you better call for backup because this is a stolen car,
      there's a gun in the glove box and a body in the trunk. He immediately
      pulled his pistol on me and called for backup. Within 10 minutes there were 15
      state troopers there. I was sitting in the back of a police car, when the police captain walked over to me. "What's going on here?" he asked
      "The trooped said this was a stolen car, The car is registered to you."
      "He said there was a gun in the glove box. There was no gun."
      "He report that there was a body in the trunk. There was no body"
      "You want to tell me what's going on." I looked up at the captain and
      said I bet that lying ******* said I was speeding too, and shook my head.
      They let me go.
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      • Profile picture of the author myob
        Here's Some Oldies But Still Goodies Daffynitions:

        Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
        Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
        Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
        Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
        Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
        Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
        Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
        Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
        Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
        Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
        Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
        Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
        Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
        Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
        Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
        Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
        Signature
        “If I have seen further than others, it is by standing upon the shoulders of giants.” – Isaac Newton
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  • Profile picture of the author HeySal
    A guy goes hunting and gets shot in the arm so goes to the doctor to have the bullet removed.
    The doctor tells him he needs anesthesia and the guy says no thanks, just take it out.
    The doctor starts to go to lengths to tell the guy how painful it's going to be to remove the bullet and insists on anesthesia.
    The Guy finally gets tired of arguing and tells the doctor - I'm not bothered by pain. Listen, this isn't as bad as other pain I've experienced. Why the second worst pain I've ever felt was when I was hunting and I had to go to the bathroom, so I squatted down behind this bush.....a bear trap caught me right by the balls.

    The doctor just cringes at the thought then asks: Uh - that was the second worst? What was the worst thing you ever felt?

    The guy responds: Oh, that was when the slack ran out of the chain.
    Signature

    Sal
    When the Roads and Paths end, learn to guide yourself through the wilderness
    Beyond the Path

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  • Profile picture of the author Phnx
    Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

    "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

    She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
    Signature
    In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane. ~ Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)

    Easy Weight Loss
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  • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
    When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did...
    peacefully, in his sleep.

    Not like the screaming passengers in his car.
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    • Profile picture of the author Killer Joe
      Two Aussie builders, Phil and Eric, are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a
      well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start
      to speculate about the occupation of the 'suit'.

      Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.

      Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

      Phil: - He's not a bloody stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

      The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the
      better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet, he sees
      that the 'suit' is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers
      get the better of the builder.

      Phil: - 'Scuse me... No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering
      what you do for a living?

      Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a by profession.

      Phil: - Oh! What's that then?

      Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

      Phil: - Er... mmm. Well yeah, I do as it happens!

      Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a
      pond. Which is it?

      Phil: - It's in a pond!

      Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden.

      Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

      Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a
      large garden then you have a large house?

      Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

      Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to
      assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite
      probably married?

      Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

      Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with
      your wife on a regular basis?

      Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!

      Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very
      often?

      Phil: - Me? Never!

      Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

      Phil: - How's that then?

      Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about
      your sex life!

      Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

      Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate...

      Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

      Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

      Eric: - What's that then?

      Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

      Eric: - Nope.

      Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker.



      KJ
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  • Profile picture of the author Michael Motley
    An elementary teacher decides to shake things up for her class by bringing in different kinds of meat and letting the kids taste and identify it.

    First she gives everyone a little piece of steak and says 'ok, does anyone know what this is?' One little girl in the front raises her hand and says 'It's steak'

    Next the teacher gives everyone a little bit of ham, and again it is identified quickly.

    The teacher then decides to throw them a curveball and gives everyone some deer meat. Everyone tastes it, but can't identify it. The teacher decides to give them a hint and says 'Ok, the name of this meat is the same as a name your mom sometimes calls your dad' and immediately a little boy in the back jumps up and says 'SPIT IT OUT EVERYONE, ITS A$$HOLE'
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    • Profile picture of the author myob
      A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birthmother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
      Her husband responds: "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
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      “If I have seen further than others, it is by standing upon the shoulders of giants.” – Isaac Newton
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      • Profile picture of the author The 13th Warrior
        HOW BIG IS A WHALE'S THROAT?

        A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

        The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

        The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

        Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human being; it was physically impossible.

        The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah".

        The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell"?

        The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
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  • Profile picture of the author jacktackett
    At a recent concert in Glasgow, Scotland, the lead singer of the band U2, Bono, asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds.

    While having everyone's complete attention, he said into the microphone,
    "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

    A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet:

    "Well, f*@#kin stop doin' it then, ya evil basturd!"
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    • Profile picture of the author Killer Joe
      A man died and went to Heaven.

      As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

      St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

      "Oh," said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

      "That's Mother Teresa's," replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

      "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

      St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln 's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."

      "Where's Obama's clock?" asked the man.

      "Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."


      KJ
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  • Profile picture of the author Michael Motley
    Two guys are getting ready to cross the desert, and they decided that they need a camel. They buy a camel, pack all their stuff on and take off across the desert.

    They are riding for a while and one says to the other 'hey, we've been out here for a while, we should stopo and let the camel get some water. So they stop, but the camel wont drink. So they get back on and head out back into the desert.

    After a couple more hours they decided to stop and let the camel drink again, and again the camel wont drink, so they get back on, and set out into the desert again.

    Hours have now went by and the riders are getting nervous. This camel hasn't had any water since they bought it, and no telling how long before that. They dont want to get farther out in th desert and have the camel die of dehydration.

    They come up with a plan to make the camel take in some water. One will hold the head down in the water, the other will suck on its a** and draw water into its mouth.

    So one holds the head down and the other starts sucking. After a few minutes the guy at the head of the camel says 'hey....hows it going back there?' the second one yells back 'HOLD THE HEAD UP A LITTLE I THINK ITS DOWN IN THE MUD'
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    • Profile picture of the author Killer Joe
      A guy is working as a bell ringer in a local church. One day he decides he's had enough so he quites the job.

      His twin brother who is unemployed decides he'll take the job. But on his first day he gets caught up in the bell rope and hangs himself.

      The janitor, who is making his rounds is the first one to find the body. He goes and asks the head priest "Have you seen the new guy up in the tower yet?

      "No" said the priest, "But I heard he's a dead ringer for the last guy."


      KJ
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    • Profile picture of the author The 13th Warrior
      Hey, man, don't stop the yucks......

      LITTLE JOHNNY


      L-JOHNNY: "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
      FATHER : "I think so. What do you want me to write?"
      L-JOHNNY: "Your name on this report card."

      *************************************

      TEACHER : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father did'nt punish him?"
      L-JOHNNY : "Because George still had the axe in his hand."

      ****************************************

      TEACHER : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
      L-JOHNNY :"A teacher".
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      • Profile picture of the author The 13th Warrior
        LAWYERS BLUNDER



        Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.



        In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand- a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

        He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

        She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy,and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

        The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

        She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster , too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

        The defense attorney almost died!

        At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, " If either of you *******s asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."
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  • Profile picture of the author CurtisN
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    Curtis Ng (blog) - Product Launch Manager
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  • Profile picture of the author joefazz9
    These are great!

    Here's a tasteless one that saved my butt at a music gig during technical difficulties...

    "Hey, well, how much does a Polar Bear weigh?"

    "Enough to BREAK THE ICE"

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  • Profile picture of the author CDarklock
    I've always loved this one because of the delayed reaction from the audience...

    A blind man walked into a bar.
    Signature
    "The Golden Town is the Golden Town no longer. They have sold their pillars for brass and their temples for money, they have made coins out of their golden doors. It is become a dark town full of trouble, there is no ease in its streets, beauty has left it and the old songs are gone." - Lord Dunsany, The Messengers
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  • Profile picture of the author R Hagel
    What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?

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    DAM!
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Strong
      Man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. Bartender says, "Hey, where'd you get that?"

      Duck says, "Beats me -- it started out as a pimple on my ass."
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      • Profile picture of the author Killer Joe
        A father is walking with his little boy in a park when he feels his son tugging at his shirt sleeve.

        "What is it my son" said the father.

        The little boy points across the park at two dogs who are in the act of mating. "What are those dogs doing, Daddy?"

        The father, a little embarrased to tell his young son the truth says, "Well the dog on top has hurt its' leg, and the dog on the bottom is helping his buddy across the field."

        The son looks up at his father and says, "Geez Dad, isn't that just like life. You try to help your friends and you get fu@ked."


        KJ
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  • Profile picture of the author Greg124
    Three men are in the jungle when they are captured by a savage tribe. They are taken to the tribal chief who explains that they have to face a challenge or they will be executed.
    If they fail in their challenge they will also be executed. If at any point during the challenge they either cry out or laugh they will be immediately be be-headed. The challenge is in two parts the chief explains, firstly they must go into the jungle and return with 10 samples of a fruit of their own choosing. The final part of the challenge will be explained after they return with the fruit.

    The three men go into the jungle and a few minutes later the first man returns carrying 10 apples. The chief explains that he will have the 10 apples inserted into his butt hole and he is reminded about crying out or laughing. He is bent over a fallen tree trunk and the apples are inserted one at a time. The pain is unbearable but he manages to refrain from crying out until the ninth apple is inserted, when it's too much for him and he cries out in pain and is immediately beheaded.

    The second guy comes out of the jungle with 10 strawberries. He has to face the same as the first man and as one might expect feels no discomfort with such a soft fruit. However when he is having his ninth fruit inserted he suddenly bursts into a fit of laughter and immediately his head is sliced off.

    The two men meet in heaven.
    The first mans says to the second "What happened to you? With me the pain was unbearable and I couldn't help myself, but you had just those soft strawberries, what on earth made you laugh like that when you were only a few seconds for completing the challenge and being set free?"

    The second man replied "I couldn't help myself either. As they were inserting the ninth strawberry, I happened to look at the edge of the jungle and saw the last guy returning. When I saw what he had I just cracked up."

    The first man said "Well - what did he have?"

    The second man replied "Ten large pineapples!"
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    • Profile picture of the author myob
      Headline News ....

      POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN
      Cops have nothing to go on.
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      “If I have seen further than others, it is by standing upon the shoulders of giants.” – Isaac Newton
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  • Profile picture of the author ecoverartist
    Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stuart said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?
    ----------------
    (told to me by a gay friend) Best pickup line in a gay bar?
    Do you mind if I push up your stool for you?

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    This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."
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    • Profile picture of the author Killer Joe
      An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

      After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

      The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

      The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

      The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

      The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

      The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

      "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

      "Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

      "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

      That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

      The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

      The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige.

      The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

      The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"


      KJ
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  • Profile picture of the author waloosh
    I found this in a book when I was at Barnes & Noble one day... It's better if you say it outloud and probably doesn't make much sense when it's written, but hopefully some of you get it!

    What do you call a fish with no eye?

    FSH.

    (Like I said, it's better when you tell it outloud, because now it just looks like three letters, lol.)
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    Waloosh.com

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  • Profile picture of the author BurgerBoy
    A Blonde walks into a Pizza Parlor and orders a pizza.

    The clerk asks her if she wants it cut into 6 slices or 12 slices.

    She says - oh, only cut it into 6 slices. I could never eat 12 slices all by my self.
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  • Profile picture of the author solardave
    This guy is laying in the hospital with his amputated leg still hurting. The DR. comes in and says:I've got some good news and some bad news. The guy says: Give me the bad news first.Doc says: We amputated the wrong leg. The good news is the bad legs getting better.

    I had this Aunt in W.Virginia who grew up poor but one day she bought a lottery ticket and won a million dollars.She decided that she'd throw a big party to show that even though she had been poor she did have class.She went down to the general store and wanted to buy some caviar. They didn't know what she was talking about.She got an idea though.She bought some buckshot and olive oil.When she got home she mixed it up in a big fancy bowl and put it way up high,hoping everyone would see it but not touch it.Well, her neighbor Maybelle spotted it and since she always wanted to try caviar she ate the whole bowl.
    The next morning my aunt called Maybelle to see if she was OK.Maybelle said: I'm ok but last night when I was leaving your party I got out on the porch and noticed my shoe was untied.When I bent over to tie it I shot your cat.
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    • Profile picture of the author Killer Joe
      Two ants are discussing politics and the first one says, "Once those idiotic humans manage to annihilate each other we ants can take over and rule the world."

      The second ant looks at his buddy and says, "The Red Ants, or the Black Ants?"


      KJ
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  • Profile picture of the author derekwong28
    Superman was crusing high in the sky one day when he noticed Wonder Woman in a suggestive pose on the ground.

    Superman immediately had a massve stiff and dived at great speed towards Wonder Woman.

    He was just about to reach her when "Kaboom" there was a big crash!

    It seems Invisable Man was already there!
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    Do not get between a wombat and a chocolate biscuit; you will regret it dearly!

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  • Profile picture of the author haikuangel
    Hmm does anyone know about the joke where there were a couple of fleas in a bar and they were talking about how they spent their summer. One flea shared about how he had spent his time nestling in a mans beard, and the other flea laughed at him because he sounded so pathetic.

    So the other flea says" this is what you do you go to the airport find a flight attendant, snuggle at her thighs and enjoy a world class trip"
    The other flea follows his advice and then they meet next spring in the same bar

    He was again, asked how his holiday went and gave the same answer.. that it sucked!
    When the other flea asked him if he followed his advice the first flea said " YEa! I did what you told me, i hitched a ride to the airport found me a great pair of flight attendant thighs, snuggled and went to sleep the next thing i know I wake up in the same mans beard!

    I know its really gross but cracks me up every time
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  • Profile picture of the author MizzCindy
    Q: How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose?
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    A: When she farts, her ankles swell up. :-)
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  • Profile picture of the author jrptr
    Two fish in a tank, one says to the other " how do you drive this thing"

    What do you call a man with a seagul on his head? ................ Cliff

    What do you call a man with a car on his head? .....................jack

    What do you call a man with a spade in his head? ................ dug

    What do you call a man without a spade in his head? ......................... dugless

    whats green and smells of pork? ............................ kermit the frogs fingers

    Guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 10 double rum and cokes.

    Bartender says are you celebrating something? .......... the man replies NO, actually I am very upset.

    The bartender asks why that is? ... The guy replies that he just found out his son was gay.

    The bartender sympathizes with the guy and gives him the drinks on the house.

    Next day the same guy comes in and asks for 10 double rum and cokes again.

    Bartender says to the guy " more bad news?" ...the guy replies YES, I have just found out my brother is gay.

    Bartender gives the guy the drinks for free yet again.

    next day the same guy walks into the bar and asks for the same order of 10 doubles.
    Bartender says damn man! you have more bad news? ............ the guy says yup! I just found out my uncle is gay.

    Bartender really feeling sorry for the guy gives him the drinks on the house.

    Next day the same guy walks into the bar and places the same order of 10 doubles.

    The bartender looks at the guy and says to him " is there anyone in your family that actually likes women?"


    The guy looks at the bartender and replies ............................yeah, The wife does apparently.
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  • Profile picture of the author CDarklock
    What's blue and sits in the corner?

    A baby in a plastic bag.

    What's green and sits in the corner?

    The same baby a week later.
    Signature
    "The Golden Town is the Golden Town no longer. They have sold their pillars for brass and their temples for money, they have made coins out of their golden doors. It is become a dark town full of trouble, there is no ease in its streets, beauty has left it and the old songs are gone." - Lord Dunsany, The Messengers
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  • Profile picture of the author Justin DSP
    What kind of meat does a priest eat ? Nun ...

    I was told this by my grandfather just a week ago. If it is not clean then let me know and I will delete.
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  • Profile picture of the author dotcompals
    ha ha ha. This is really a nice collection.
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  • Profile picture of the author CDarklock
    A young novice went up to the Mother Superior at her convent and said "Mother Superior, I am concerned."

    "Yes, what is it?" said the Mother Superior.

    "Well... you see... it's Father Daniels. When I first arrived here, he called me into his office, and he dropped his trousers. He told me that what he had there was the key to heaven, and that the gates were..."

    The novice discreetly pointed to her lap.

    The Mother Superior stood up, pounded her fist on the desk, and said "That *******.

    He told me it was the horn of Jericho, and I've been blowing it for years..."
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    "The Golden Town is the Golden Town no longer. They have sold their pillars for brass and their temples for money, they have made coins out of their golden doors. It is become a dark town full of trouble, there is no ease in its streets, beauty has left it and the old songs are gone." - Lord Dunsany, The Messengers
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    • Profile picture of the author Justin DSP
      Originally Posted by CDarklock View Post

      A young novice went up to the Mother Superior at her convent and said "Mother Superior, I am concerned."

      "Yes, what is it?" said the Mother Superior.

      "Well... you see... it's Father Daniels. When I first arrived here, he called me into his office, and he dropped his trousers. He told me that what he had there was the key to heaven, and that the gates were..."

      The novice discreetly pointed to her lap.

      The Mother Superior stood up, pounded her fist on the desk, and said "That *******.

      He told me it was the horn of Jericho, and I've been blowing it for years..."

      HAHAHA

      That is a good one!!
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  • Profile picture of the author teleam
    It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

    As he was checking a second hand car lot,
    he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.

    He stopped and asked them why they were sitting in the car.
    Were they trying to steal it? "Heavens no, we bought it."

    "Then why don't you drive it away."

    "We can't drive."

    "Then why did you buy it?"

    "We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed, so we're just waiting.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------
    I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

    I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"

    "No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.

    "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.

    "No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

    "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.

    "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. I havent had my hair done in 20 years!"

    "Well, I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, Im going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."

    The homeless Woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

    I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

    These are some of the jokes my daughter sent me.
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  • Profile picture of the author jrptr
    Plumber knocks on a womens door, the women opens the door and the plumber says, I hear you have a sh!thouse that does not work? women replies yes he is upstairs asleep in bed!
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    • Profile picture of the author Lawrh
      Italians might find this suitably tasteless....

      What happens when an Italian car gets a flat?

      Dago wop wop wop wop
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      “Strategy without action is a day-dream; action without strategy is a nightmare.” – Old Japanese proverb -

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