The Onion is Now Reading My Mind

by BigFrank Banned
15 replies
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As I awoke the morning, here's what I was thinking:

U.S. Populace Lurches Methodically Through The Motions For Yet Another Day


The wall-eyed, slack-jawed U.S. populace, beaten down into a state of near-catatonia by the relentlessly deadening banality of their joyless, insipid lives, dutifully trudged through the motions for yet another emotionally blank day Monday, sources reported.

Against all logic, the nation's citizenry, their insides withering away with each passing moment, somehow managed to continue filling out invoices, shopping for footwear, loading dishwashers, eating Whoppers, pressing buttons, watching reality-based TV programs, vacuuming floors, engaging in conversations about petty office politics, riding buses, sitting in traffic, mailing letters, and tending to the little rubber mats people wipe their feet on as they enter the lobby areas of vast, windowless industrial complexes. How they managed to do it, no one can say.

The populace's minor victory of continuing to participate in the meaningless charade that is their lives, sources said, was rendered all the more futile by the inescapable realization that they must do it again tomorrow, and the next day, and so on and so on unceasingly until the day they inevitably die.

Source - The Onion

Those folks are obviously intercepting my brain waves and converting them into text. If I weren't in such a state of perpetual, brain-numbing somnambulism, I would sue.

Cheers. - Frank
  • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
    When ever I read anything on The Onion it always makes me cry.
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    Where ever you go, there you are.

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    • Profile picture of the author BigFrank
      Banned
      Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

      When ever I read anything on The Onion it always makes me cry.
      It only gets worse as you peel back the layers of any particular story.

      Cheers. - Frank
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  • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
    Here's a tip for you: Never put The Onion in the fridge. It'll make everything else smell and taste sarcastic.
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    If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.

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    • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
      Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

      Here's a tip for you: Never put The Onion in the fridge. It'll make everything else smell and taste sarcastic.
      Dan; Sarcastic isn't a smell. And the Onion isn't an actual onion, it's the name of a satirical farcical newspaper. And a refrigerator would actually suppress the smell, because of the cold. Your statement makes no sense. It's almost like you were just trying to be funny.

      If you were joking, then the only way it would be funny, is if "The Onion" was meant to refer to the newspaper (by that name) and also mean the vegetable.........and if you meant 'smell sarcastic" wasn't to be taken literally. You would also have to ignore the fact that a refrigerator may be cold enough to suppress the smell. You also haven't told us what else was in the refrigerator. Was there fish? Fish would smell stronger than an onion. Have you thought of that?

      I suppose then, it may still be a joke. But after all the explaining I just had to do, I think your joke has lost most of its punch.

      And Dan; A joke is always funnier, if you take the time to explain, in great detail, why the joke is funny.

      It's always worked for me.

      You're welcome.
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      • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
        Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

        Dan; Sarcastic isn't a smell. And the Onion isn't an actual onion, it's the name of a satirical farcical newspaper. And a refrigerator would actually suppress the smell, because of the cold. Your statement makes no sense. It's almost like you were just trying to be funny.

        If you were joking, then the only way it would be funny, is if "The Onion" was meant to refer to the newspaper (by that name) and also mean the vegetable.........and if you meant 'smell sarcastic" wasn't to be taken literally. You would also have to ignore the fact that a refrigerator may be cold enough to suppress the smell. You also haven't told us what else was in the refrigerator. Was there fish? Fish would smell stronger than an onion. Have you thought of that?

        I suppose then, it may still be a joke. But after all the explaining I just had to do, I think your joke has lost most of its punch.

        And Dan; A joke is always funnier, if you take the time to explain, in great detail, why the joke is funny.

        It's always worked for me.

        You're welcome.

        Claude "The Hoover of Comedy" Whitacre, everyone! He can suck the funny out of anything - even Dane Cook.
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        If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.

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  • Profile picture of the author yukon
    Banned
    I was going to thank Claude but I didn't want to go first.
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    Hi
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  • Profile picture of the author Cali16
    Originally Posted by BigFrank View Post


    Those folks are obviously intercepting my brain waves and converting them into text. If I weren't in such a state of perpetual, brain-numbing somnambulism, I would sue.
    Frank, two suggestions if I may:

    1 - a tin foil hat
    2 - a really strong antidepressant

    That'll be 5 cents.
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    If you don't face your fears, the only thing you'll ever see is what's in your comfort zone. ~Anne McClain, astronaut
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    • Profile picture of the author Zodiax
      Sometimes reality can be hilarious.
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      'I hated every minute of training, but I said, 'Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion'
      -Muhammad Ali

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    • Profile picture of the author BigFrank
      Banned
      Originally Posted by Cali16 View Post

      Frank, two suggestions if I may:

      1 - a tin foil hat
      I never leave my cave without one.
      2 - a really strong antidepressant
      I'll be leaving for a drive in that in around an hour.
      That'll be 5 cents.
      Talk about an over-inflated sense of self-worth. This is how psychiatry developed such a bad name.

      Cheers. - Frank
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      • Profile picture of the author tagiscom
        Originally Posted by BigFrank View Post

        As I awoke the morning, here's what I was thinking:

        U.S. Populace Lurches Methodically Through The Motions For Yet Another Day


        The wall-eyed, slack-jawed U.S. populace, beaten down into a state of near-catatonia by the relentlessly deadening banality of their joyless, insipid lives, dutifully trudged through the motions for yet another emotionally blank day Monday, sources reported.

        Against all logic, the nation's citizenry, their insides withering away with each passing moment, somehow managed to continue filling out invoices, shopping for footwear, loading dishwashers, eating Whoppers, pressing buttons, watching reality-based TV programs, vacuuming floors, engaging in conversations about petty office politics, riding buses, sitting in traffic, mailing letters, and tending to the little rubber mats people wipe their feet on as they enter the lobby areas of vast, windowless industrial complexes. How they managed to do it, no one can say.

        The populace's minor victory of continuing to participate in the meaningless charade that is their lives, sources said, was rendered all the more futile by the inescapable realization that they must do it again tomorrow, and the next day, and so on and so on unceasingly until the day they inevitably die.

        Source - The Onion

        Those folks are obviously intercepting my brain waves and converting them into text. If I weren't in such a state of perpetual, brain-numbing somnambulism, I would sue.

        Cheers. - Frank
        So, nothing new then?

        I get the mindless masses, going through the motions, but l am sure that walking zombie like across freeways with an iphone stuck in your face, catching up on the next comotizing piece of mindless information on Sad Cat is exempt?


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