FUNNY Jokes/Pics etc

lol ... that was funny.

So a man sees that someone new is moving in next door and decides to go over and introduce himself. They strike up a conversation and the man asks his new neighbor, "What do you do?"
The new neighbor replies, "I teach deductive reasoning at the local college."
The man states that he is unfamiliar with the concept and the new neighbor offers an example. The neighbor says"I see that you have a dog house in your back yard, by that I can deduce that you have a dog. Further I can deduce that you likely have a wife and children. So by seeing your dog house in the back yard, I have deduced that you are a heterosexual male with a wife and children."
The man digests this as they continue their conversation.
The next day at work the man tells a coworker about meeting his new neighbor. "He teaches deductive reasoning at the college" he tells his coworker. As expected, his coworker is unfamiliar with the concept and the man offers an example. He asks, "Do you have a dog house in your back yard?"
The coworker says, "no".
The man looks at him and replies "Fag". (No gay bashing intended, just a joke.)

While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!"
))))

Three little people have been out all night drinking and partying up a storm. As they're walking home, they stumble past the home office of the Guinness Book of World Records.

One of the midgets looks at another one and slurs, "John, you know what? You have the smallest feet I've ever seen. You should go in and show 'em!" John nods and toddles off inside.

A few minutes later, John comes running out and starts high fiving the other two. "Smallest feet in the world, baby!"

John eyes the third guy and say, "Mark, you have the smallest hands I've every seen. I bet they're the smallest in the world." Mark grins and runs inside.

A few minutes later, Mark runs out, jumping and hooting. "Smallest hands in the world."

After a couple minutes of celebration, the two new record holders start eyeing the first guy and giggling.

"What," he says.

"Well, Rick," says John, "Not that Mark and I spend a lot of time looking, but we're pretty sure you have the smallest penis in the world."

Rick turns bright red, thinks about it for a minute, shrugs, and stumbles off inside.

A few minutes later, Rick comes running out of the office, kicking over trash cans and punching walls.

"What? What is it," his friends ask.

"Who the hell is Claude Whitacre," Rick screams.

Claude walked into a bar.

Ok ... this is hilarious, but sadly, also hilariously true

Another true, but funny from Craigslist Missed Connections

The student comes up to the professor, "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?"


The professor looks at the exam again, "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve"


The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I'll bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?"


The professor is surprised, but still he agrees, at which point the student then takes out his glass eye - and bites it.



The shocked professor then takes the exam back, and marks it 85. The student then says

"If I'll bite my nose, will you give me a 90?"



The professor is once again shocked, "He can't pull out his nose" he thinks to himself. He looks at the nose and its real. He finally agrees, at which point the student takes out his dentures, and bites his own nose.




The professor then once again takes the exam, and marks the grade 90.
The student then makes another offer: "If I'll get up on this table, and pee the perfume

Coco Chanel on you, will you give me a 100?"


The professor now has to see what this kid can do, so he agrees. The student goes on the table, and pees all over the professor, the professor's shirt is soaking wet, as he goes to to sniff it. "What the hell?! This isn't Coco Chanel! This is piss!"


The student then goes "Fine, we'll leave it at 90".

Soooo funny but smart too.

Once there was a man that was promised a free fish.

He was told to come pick it up at 3'o clock sharp.

But, by the time he got there, the fish was gone.

He asked the man where the fish went and he said, 'I ate it'.

The man's name was Claude.