These will make you feel much smarter :-)

by JorgeD
4 replies
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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
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'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'

--Mariah Carey
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'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.'

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokes person for federal anti-smoking campaign.
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'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'

-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.'

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC
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'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.'

--A congressional candidate in Texas
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'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'

--Al Gore, Vice President
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'I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix '

-- Dan Quayle while campaigning
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'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?'

--Lee Iacocca
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'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'

-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor .
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'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'

--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.'

--Keppel Enderbery
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'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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  • Profile picture of the author KimW
    "The b**ch set me up!"
    --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC
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  • Profile picture of the author Patrician
    Those are hilaroius. Thanks for the belly laughs.

    Norma Einstein.
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  • Profile picture of the author Patrician
    I have one that will fit in this group perfectly. Saw it on a preview of a Jay Leno show.

    Jay: You have heard of the Gettysburg Address?

    Girl: Yes of course!

    Jay: Ok, well what exactly is the Gettysburg address?

    Girl: Man, I said I heard of it but I don't know the exact address.
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    • Profile picture of the author seasoned
      Originally Posted by Patrician View Post

      I have one that will fit in this group perfectly. Saw it on a preview of a Jay Leno show.

      Jay: You have heard of the Gettysburg Address?

      Girl: Yes of course!

      Jay: Ok, well what exactly is the Gettysburg address?

      Girl: Man, I said I heard of it but I don't know the exact address.
      GEE, I would have to look it up myself! All I could remember for SURE, literally was "Four score and 7 years ago our fathers...."! It turns out I would have gotten the first statement nearly perfect. At least I know what it is about.

      Seriously, did she really think it was a location, greeting, or a speech?

      Steve
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