My Battle Of Wits With That Stupid Black Cat

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OK, the black cat in back of my store is back, and I feed it every day now.

I go out there, the stupid cat is waiting. It walks away from me, making sure I'm never less than 8 feet from it.

I show it the food. It licks it's face... it knows I'm going to feed it.

I place the food in its dish. And it still sits there...maybe 10 feet from the dish. I go to the door, and walk inside...and then turn right around and look outside. The cat sees me, and he's standing right next to the dish of food.

And here is where we stare at each other.

Yesterday, I stood at the back door for about 20 minutes, while the stupid cat sat right next to its bowl of food. The cat sat down...then laid down....then closed it's eyes. Ignoring the food. And ignoring me. Of course, the second I went inside, it grabbed the food (chicken bones and scraps of meat)....and ran away.


Today, I wasn't going to budge. I put the food out, and stood by the door. The cat eventually walked up to the food, and sat down beside it. That darn cat looked completely disinterested in the food. I stood there for 30 minutes. No movement from the cat or myself.

Eventually a customer came in, and I had to go inside. Of course, I opened the door back up a second later, and the cat was already running off with it's meal.

One day, that cat and I are going to be friends....so help me God.
  • Profile picture of the author Kurt
    Busy day at The Creeper's Lair...um I mean The Sweeper Store?
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  • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
    I find it oddly fulfilling that you continuously get bested by a cat. At the same time, it doesn't surprise me.
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    • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
      Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

      I find it oddly fulfilling that you continuously get bested by a cat. At the same time, it doesn't surprise me.
      I absolutely positively knew that either you, Kurt, or Mark was going to say that exact same thing.

      Part of the enjoyment of posting it, was knowing the joke that would come out of it.


      I love dogs, I truly do. But a cat that ignores me? I find it about the funniest thing imaginable.


      Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

      I also find it funny that the cat is the one labeled "stupid" here.
      That's actually what was missing. I was worried that you would ignore the word "Stupid".

      I feel better now.
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      • Profile picture of the author Rod Cortez
        Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

        I absolutely positively knew that either you, Kurt, or Mark was going to say that exact same thing.

        Part of the enjoyment of posting it, was knowing the joke that would come out of it.


        I love dogs, I truly do. But a cat that ignores me? I find it about the funniest thing imaginable.

        .
        Trust me, cats aren't the only one.

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        • Profile picture of the author Kay King
          About 5 years ago I spent months semi-taming a feral cat. I'd been feeding it every day and - like you - I'd stay on the porch or watch from the door or window.

          Then I started putting real treats - some tuna, a little milk, etc - and sitting in a chair that I moved closer to the food.

          Backfired on me. Once I was able to pet the cat, he decided he LIKED that attention. Within a few weeks of his first touch by a human, he would come to the door and yowl until I came out to pet him. That went on for about a year and then he was gone. Turns out he was sick with a disease that was killing many unvaccinated cats - but he came back twice before he disappeared for good. He wasn't able to eat - but he did want to be petted.

          You don't forget animals like that.

          Claude - The cat comes to the door and you go get food. It waits and you go away so it can eat in peace....and you call the cat "stupid". He trained you, didn't he?
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          • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
            Originally Posted by Kay King View Post

            About 5 years ago I spent months semi-taming a feral cat. I'd been feeding it every day and - like you - I'd stay on the porch or watch from the door or window.

            Then I started putting real treats - some tuna, a little milk, etc - and sitting in a chair that I moved closer to the food.

            Backfired on me. Once I was able to pet the cat, he decided he LIKED that attention. Within a few weeks of his first touch by a human, he would come to the door and yowl until I came out to pet him. That went on for about a year and then he was gone. Turns out he was sick with a disease that was killing many unvaccinated cats - but he came back twice before he disappeared for good. He wasn't able to eat - but he did want to be petted.

            You don't forget animals like that.

            Claude - The cat comes to the door and you go get food. It waits and you go away so it can eat in peace....and you call the cat "stupid". He trained you, didn't he?
            Your right about Feral cat's Yowling. Far more vocal than domesticated ones.
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          • Profile picture of the author Joe Mobley
            Originally Posted by Kay King View Post


            Backfired on me. Once I was able to pet the cat, he decided he LIKED that attention. Within a few weeks of his first touch by a human, he would come to the door and yowl until I came out to pet him. That went on for about a year and then he was gone. Turns out he was sick with a disease that was killing many unvaccinated cats - but he came back twice before he disappeared for good. He wasn't able to eat - but he did want to be petted.

            You don't forget animals like that.
            Yea, but most women just call them ex-husbands.


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    • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
      Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

      I find it oddly fulfilling that you continuously get bested by a cat. At the same time, it doesn't surprise me.
      Do you know what surprises me?

      Shut up, that's what!

      Oh...and in other news...be quiet!
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      • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
        Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

        Do you know what surprises me?

        Shut up, that's what!

        Oh...and in other news...be quiet!

        See? This. This right here. This is why nobody wants to eat with you.
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        • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
          Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

          See? This. This right here. This is why nobody wants to eat with you.

          I have one word to say to you...Bib.
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          • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
            Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

            I have one word to say to you...Bib.
            I have one word for you:
            offertopaysometimejustoncewouldbeniceoratleastpick upthetiplordknowsyoucanpickupyoursandwichsoyourhan dsmustwork.

            [Editor's note: There is no space between "pick" and "up". WF is just screwing with my joke.]
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            • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
              Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

              I have one word for you:
              offertopaysometimejustoncewouldbeniceoratleastpick upthetablordknowsyoucanpickupyoursandwichsoyourhan dsmustwork.

              [Editor's note: There is no space between "pick" and "up". WF is just screwing with my joke.][
              Dan, my furry little friend;

              You may think that is one word...but if you look very carefully...you will see that it's actually a complete sentence.

              It mystifies me that you wrote it, but didn't know that.

              Apparently, given enough time, a monkey really can write the works of Shakespeare.
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    • Profile picture of the author whateverpedia
      Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

      I find it oddly fulfilling that you continuously get bested by a cat. At the same time, it doesn't surprise me.
      If I was a gambling man, my money would always go on the cat winning.

      Come to think of it, if it was a battle of wits between Claude and a slug, bookies would have the slug listed as the favourite to win.
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      • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
        Originally Posted by whateverpedia View Post

        If I was a gambling man, my money would always go on the cat winning.

        Come to think of it, if it was a battle of wits between Claude and a slug, the slug would be odds-on favourite
        I don't think you are honestly suggesting that a slug is smarter than I am.

        Seriously, are you just joking? I can never tell.

        Plus, I don't believe gambling is legal in my state. Thanks for trying to get me arrested!
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        • Profile picture of the author whateverpedia
          Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

          Seriously, are you just joking? I can never tell.
          I've edited the post to clarify the point I was trying to make.

          ALL my posts are meant to be taken seriously.








          And one day they actually might be taken seriously.
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        • Profile picture of the author Kurt
          Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

          I don't think you are honestly suggesting that a slug is smarter than I am.

          Seriously, are you just joking? I can never tell.

          Plus, I don't believe gambling is legal in my state
          . Thanks for trying to get me arrested!


          FYI...There's some form of legalized gambling in all but two states: Hawaii and Utah.
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        • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
          Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

          Plus, I don't believe gambling is legal in my state. Thanks for trying to get me arrested!


          For what it's worth, there are at least three casinos in the great state of Ohio.
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          • Profile picture of the author Kurt
            Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

            For what it's worth, there are at least three casinos in the great state of Ohio.
            Do you get the feeling that if Claude ever did go to a casino he'd play roulette and bet on yellow and then wonder why he never wins?
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            • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
              Originally Posted by Kurt View Post

              Do you get the feeling that if Claude ever did go to a casino he'd play roulette and bet on yellow and then wonder why he never wins?

              No, but only because he'd never make it past the buffet.
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              • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
                Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

                No, but only because he'd never make it past the buffet.
                Claude was never banned from a casino for cheating, just there buffets for eating as much as he liked.
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                • Profile picture of the author tagiscom
                  Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

                  I thought they were truck stops. That explains why I kept putting money in all those crazy vending machines, but never got my Doritos.

                  Hey! .......Hey! I have a glandular problem....and a food addiction. It isn't my fault. Show compassion. I thrive on the compassion of strangers.
                  Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

                  Claude was never banned from a casino for cheating, just there buffets for eating as much as he liked.
                  No, he got thrown out since he kept using his box of pink iced donuts as gaming chips!

                  Didn't work, too many crumbs!

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          • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
            Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

            For what it's worth, there are at least three casinos in the great state of Ohio.
            I thought they were truck stops. That explains why I kept putting money in all those crazy vending machines, but never got my Doritos.



            Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

            No, but only because he'd never make it past the buffet.

            Hey! .......Hey! I have a glandular problem....and a food addiction. It isn't my fault. Show compassion. I thrive on the compassion of strangers.
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  • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
    I also find it funny that the cat is the one labeled "stupid" here.
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  • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
    Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

    OK, the black cat in back of my store is back, and I feed it every day now.

    I go out there, the stupid cat is waiting. It walks away from me, making sure I'm never less than 8 feet from it.

    I show it the food. It licks it's face... it knows I'm going to feed it.

    I place the food in its dish. And it still sits there...maybe 10 feet from the dish. I go to the door, and walk inside...and then turn right around and look outside. The cat sees me, and he's standing right next to the dish of food.

    And here is where we stare at each other.

    Yesterday, I stood at the back door for about 20 minutes, while the stupid cat sat right next to its bowl of food. The cat sat down...then laid down....then closed it's eyes. Ignoring the food. And ignoring me. Of course, the second I went inside, it grabbed the food (chicken bones and scraps of meat)....and ran away.


    Today, I wasn't going to budge. I put the food out, and stood by the door. The cat eventually walked up to the food, and sat down beside it. That darn cat looked completely disinterested in the food. I stood there for 30 minutes. No movement from the cat or myself.

    Eventually a customer came in, and I had to go inside. Of course, I opened the door back up a second later, and the cat was already running off with it's meal.

    One day, that cat and I are going to be friends....so help me God.
    You mean a customer actually came into the store? Shirley you cant be serious.

    I am, and don't call me Shirley!

    KFC chicken bones (or other) are one sure way to choke a cat eventually. They splinter.

    You may find your misses may have more luck with it. After a certain age Ferrel Cats don't generally bond with humans but if they do it's likely to be someone of the opposite sex, is it male?. We have one who spends a lot of time in our back yard. The wife feeds it and it allows her to pick it up. When it see's me though it runs. Perhaps something to do with the Taser I used on it once. (kidding) We have two cats.
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    • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
      Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

      When it see's me though it runs.

      I always assumed that was the default reaction.
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    • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
      Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

      You mean a customer actually came into the store? Shirley you cant be serious.

      I am, and don't call me Shirley!

      KFC chicken bones (or other) are one sure way to choke a cat eventually. They splinter.

      You may find your misses may have more luck with it. After a certain age Ferrel Cats don't generally bond with humans but if they do it's likely to be someone of the opposite sex, is it male?. We have one who spends a lot of time in our back yard. The wife feeds it and it allows her to pick it up. When it see's me though it runs. Perhaps something to do with the Taser I used on it once. (kidding) We have two cats.

      The cat is male. it gets into fights, and it's ears are all torn up. At first, I suspected the cat was gay. But today, when I took out the food, I was naked except for a pink bow around my.. um..neck. The cat did not respond to my herculean build. So, I know the cat is not gay.....or at least, it isn't interested in me.

      Tomorrow, I'll ask my wife to feed the cat, in the nude. I'm sure she'll go for it. At least we'll know which way the tail swings.

      This cat is truly feral. I don't think it has any idea what petting is, or why it should let a human touch it. Oh well.

      I don't have a cat, but I still have Riffle...and that's close enough.


      Honstly, I thought chicken bones were OK for cats. I see raw bones are OK, but not cooked ones. Thanks for reminding me.
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  • Profile picture of the author Kurt
    Claude...if you were smart (is there any point in me continuing?) you wouldn't let the cat eat without you being there. When you leave, take the food with you.

    The cat should learn that it will only get to eat the food while you're there.

    Of course, eating in your presence does mean the cat will have to gag the food down and throw up in its mouth a few times, but we'll work on that when the time comes.
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    • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
      Originally Posted by Kurt View Post

      Claude...if you were smart (is there any point in me continuing?) you wouldn't let the cat eat without you being there. When you leave, take the food with you.

      The cat should learn that it will only get to eat the food while you're there.

      Of course, eating in your presence does mean the cat will have to gag the food down and throw up in its mouth a few times, but we'll work on that when the time comes.
      First, good advice.
      Second, I burst out laughing at (is there any point in me continuing?) Funny.


      Originally Posted by Kay King View Post

      Within a few weeks of his first touch by a human, he would come to the door and yowl until I came out to pet him.
      Yup, he yowls at me, if I just stand there with food in my hand. It isn't meowing. It's much louder. It's like he's yelling at me.


      Originally Posted by Kay King View Post

      He trained you, didn't he?
      Absolutely. I'm surprised that Kurt or Riffle didn't say that. But I know that you are brighter than they are....and probably brighter than my killer manipulative cat.


      Originally Posted by sbucciarel View Post

      ... and you call the cat stupid.

      Claude, please don't feed the cat chicken bones.
      Suzanne; I promise, I thought they we OK. Cooked chicken bones splinter. I just had the wrong information. I certainly won't do it again.

      I'm saving the chicken bones for the next time Riffle visits.
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      • Profile picture of the author Kurt
        Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

        Fuirst, god advice.
        Second, I burst out laughing at (is there any point in me continuing?) Funny.
        Fuirst?


        I do give god advice. On your knees before I smite you.
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        • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
          Originally Posted by Kurt View Post

          Fuirst?


          I do give god advice. On your knees before I smite you.
          Jeesh! I wait 8 seconds before I correct the spelling......Are you a sniper, just waiting for a shot?

          I'll get on my knees, if you get on your belly. Actually, no I won't. I think I just threw up a little.
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        • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
          Originally Posted by Kurt View Post

          Fuirst?


          I do give god advice. On your knees before I smite you.
          I saw that but just thought it was his Ohio accent.
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  • Profile picture of the author sbucciarel
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    Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

    Eventually a customer came in, and I had to go inside. Of course, I opened the door back up a second later, and the cat was already running off with it's meal.

    One day, that cat and I are going to be friends....so help me God.
    ... and you call the cat stupid.

    Claude, please don't feed the cat chicken bones.

    From a Vet: I used to give that to my cats, but a vet told me it wasn't good for them - he said slivers could become impaled in the mouth, throat, or even puncture the stomach or intestines.
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  • Profile picture of the author Joe Mobley
    My Battle Of Wits With That Stupid Black Cat


    Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

    OK, the black cat in back of my store is back, and I feed it every day now.
    Battle over!


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    • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
      Originally Posted by Joe Mobley View Post

      My Battle Of Wits With That Stupid Black Cat




      Battle over!


      Joe Mobley
      Indeed.

      This is actually an historic event in that it represents the least amount of firepower used in any "battle" in human history.
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    • Profile picture of the author Joe Mobley
      Claude's Wife: Do not... bother... that animal, I am not through training him.
      Claude: Honey... I'm just making a new friend.
      Claude's Wife: I was not... talking... to you.

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      • Profile picture of the author tagiscom
        Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

        OK, the black cat in back of my store is back, and I feed it every day now.

        I go out there, the stupid cat is waiting. It walks away from me, making sure I'm never less than 8 feet from it.

        I show it the food. It licks it's face... it knows I'm going to feed it.

        I place the food in its dish. And it still sits there...maybe 10 feet from the dish. I go to the door, and walk inside...and then turn right around and look outside. The cat sees me, and he's standing right next to the dish of food.

        And here is where we stare at each other.

        Yesterday, I stood at the back door for about 20 minutes, while the stupid cat sat right next to its bowl of food. The cat sat down...then laid down....then closed it's eyes. Ignoring the food. And ignoring me. Of course, the second I went inside, it grabbed the food (chicken bones and scraps of meat)....and ran away.


        Today, I wasn't going to budge. I put the food out, and stood by the door. The cat eventually walked up to the food, and sat down beside it. That darn cat looked completely disinterested in the food. I stood there for 30 minutes. No movement from the cat or myself.

        Eventually a customer came in, and I had to go inside. Of course, I opened the door back up a second later, and the cat was already running off with it's meal.

        One day, that cat and I are going to be friends....so help me God.
        My money is on the cat!



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