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Solitary Crow On Fence Post Portending Doom, Analysts Warn!

by TimPhelan
36 replies
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This is scary stuff:

GREELEY, NE--Experts confirmed Monday that a single black crow perched ominously on a fence post in rural Nebraska is almost certainly a harbinger of great doom and despair for all Americans.

The crow came eerily to rest on the rickety wooden post at 10:26 a.m. Monday, according to farm hands working in a nearby field at the time. Citing a vague but certain feeling that "something just wasn't right," one of the laborers contacted law enforcement officials, and within hours federal authorities had converged on the site.

By late afternoon, sources in the Pentagon had received intelligence corroborating their suspicions that the crow is in fact a dark omen foretelling widespread economic ruin, famine, pestilence, and perhaps even the total collapse of the national infrastructure.
"At this point, all we can say for sure is that the sudden appearance of this grim avian prophet spells disaster for our nation's banks, its roads, its schools, its health care system, its energy resources--for our entire American way of life," Defense Department spokesman Bryan Whitman told reporters while examining video footage of the crow. "Would you just look at the way it's sitting there, with those glassy, black eyes and that creepy beak. Christ. Something bad is going to happen, I just know it."
The whole terrifying report can be read here ( warning: very disturbing photo ):

Solitary Crow On Fence Post Portending Doom, Analysts Warn | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
  • Profile picture of the author ThomM
    A .22 long rifle can fix that
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  • Profile picture of the author R Hagel
    Guns... check.

    Ammo... check.

    Canned food and non-perishables... check.

    Fresh bottled water... check.

    Underground fallout shelter... check.


    Adios friends. I'm taking a leave of absence from the word for a while. *scurries away like a scared mouse*
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  • Profile picture of the author HeySal
    That IS funny. When I first read that report I thought it was going to turn out to be a warning from the middle ages or an ancient Sumerian tablet. But I'm really getting tired of hearing people Heckle Indy when he is right more often than wrong on the major events -- and the minor details can't be proven either way.
    Tim - you might not like Indy's ideas - but it's not great Warrior style to slam him for it.
    *Slaps Tim's Hands*


    BTW - don't run for shelter yet.......if the owls haven't perched in your own yard yet - it's all not going to effect you personally so terribly.
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    • Profile picture of the author R Hagel
      Originally Posted by HeySal View Post

      BTW - don't run for shelter yet.......if the owls haven't perched in your own yard yet - it's all not going to effect you personally so terribly.
      Well -- they land on my house and hoot really loud at night. (For real.)
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      • Profile picture of the author HeySal
        Originally Posted by R Hagel View Post

        Well -- they land on my house and hoot really loud at night. (For real.)
        Uh...well, we'll give you a shout when it's safe to come out again. See ya later!
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    • Profile picture of the author Kurt
      Originally Posted by HeySal View Post

      I'm just getting tired of hearing people Heckle Indy when he is right more often than wrong on the major events -- and the minor details can't be proven either way.
      Heckle? How do you know the crow wasn't Jeckle? I think you're profiling.

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    • Profile picture of the author TimPhelan
      Ouch! OK, I took out the Indy reference. Dang, what was that you hit me with?

      Originally Posted by HeySal View Post

      *Slaps Tim's Hands*
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      • Profile picture of the author HeySal
        Originally Posted by TimPhelan View Post

        Ouch! OK, I took out the Indy reference. Dang, what was that you hit me with?
        Justice stings, eh? LOL.

        Pat - out here in ID as soon as hunting season begins the deer go graze with the cow herds. They stand with the cows just smiling at the guys in the pickups driving by with their guns. They know that it would be a rare hunter who has the idiocy to shoot into a herd of cows and risk the farmer's revenge. Out here a farmer would shoot the hunter if he saw him aiming a gun into his herd for ANY reason.

        Seeing this kind of intelligence in animals should actually make us realize how much smarter they are than usually given credit for!
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        • Profile picture of the author ThomM
          Originally Posted by HeySal View Post


          Pat - out here in ID as soon as hunting season begins the deer go graze with the cow herds. They stand with the cows just smiling at the guys in the pickups driving by with their guns. They know that it would be a rare hunter who has the idiocy to shoot into a herd of cows and risk the farmer's revenge. Out here a farmer would shoot the hunter if he saw him aiming a gun into his herd for ANY reason.

          Seeing this kind of intelligence in animals should actually make us realize how much smarter they are than usually given credit for!
          That's common with deer everywhere Sal.
          When hunting season starts you will find them everywhere that hunting isn't allowed.
          Now I can understand how they know to do that I think that is simple, "Hmm if I stand here I can get shot, if I stand there I won't. I think I'll stand there." Now my question is, how the hell do they know when the first day of hunting season is:confused:
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          • Profile picture of the author seasoned
            Originally Posted by ThomM View Post

            That's common with deer everywhere Sal.
            When hunting season starts you will find them everywhere that hunting isn't allowed.
            Now I can understand how they know to do that I think that is simple, "Hmm if I stand here I can get shot, if I stand there I won't. I think I'll stand there." Now my question is, how the hell do they know when the first day of hunting season is:confused:
            Animals are not as dumb as some people think. It may be based on the season, the fact that people are tacking up flyers, or simply that so many people suddenly invade the area.

            As for staying with the cows, it MAY even be a "safety in numbers" type idea. Maybe they think the hunters won't see them, or that the cows make bigger targets.

            Steve
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            • Profile picture of the author ThomM
              Originally Posted by seasoned View Post

              Animals are not as dumb as some people think. It may be based on the season, the fact that people are tacking up flyers, or simply that so many people suddenly invade the area.

              As for staying with the cows, it MAY even be a "safety in numbers" type idea. Maybe they think the hunters won't see them, or that the cows make bigger targets.

              Steve
              To give you a little history to my reply Steve, I grew up in the country around dairy farms.
              As for the Deer it is primarily a food situation. Their wild food sources are drying up and they go to where the food is, cows always have food. Either the field grasses or hay from the farmer. There is usually a salt lick and water for them there also. They also start showing up in the Apple orchards and they'll let you know when your corn is ripe to the minute
              But knowing the first day of hunting season is still a mystery
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              • Profile picture of the author seasoned
                Originally Posted by ThomM View Post

                To give you a little history to my reply Steve, I grew up in the country around dairy farms.
                As for the Deer it is primarily a food situation. Their wild food sources are drying up and they go to where the food is, cows always have food. Either the field grasses or hay from the farmer. There is usually a salt lick and water for them there also. They also start showing up in the Apple orchards and they'll let you know when your corn is ripe to the minute
                But knowing the first day of hunting season is still a mystery
                Well, I figured the deer were going where the cows were. It is DIFFERENT if they are merely both following the food, etc... Of course, cows ARE generally left to graze a rather large area, and most I have seen aren't necessarily in large groups. But HEY, I am going by what I imagine the scenario to be like.
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  • Profile picture of the author Michael Motley
    I hear that there are 2 different sets of chicken bones that have verfied the op.
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  • Profile picture of the author KimW
    For some reason I kept reading it as Solitary COW on fencepost portending doom.
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  • Profile picture of the author Patrician
    It's called 'eating crow'... yukyuk

    Crows are so cool but people say they have been dive bombed by them and they are not nice. I can see why the FBI, CIA, PTA and everybody else would show up...

    I can never resist my 'Only in California' story about crows because I love to visualize it and laugh my ass off.

    Crows in California use the crosswalks. Yes - there is a town where they have a street called 'Crow Canyon Road'. Lots of major corporations have office complexes near there.

    Sometimes when you are rushing to get in on time in the morning, or back from lunch you will be impeded by a long line of cars at a dead stop. What the hell is going on here?

    It is a group of crows who prefer using the crosswalk and I guess they are either too fat to fly or I suspect laughing their asses off watching people fuming in their cars, as evidenced by the fact that they do not rush but take their good old time.

    Crows are cool, mean and fat, but I don't think one sitting on a fence will do much harm.
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  • Profile picture of the author Patrician
    You got that right, Sal. It is amazing how intelligent even the lower life forms are - we call it 'instinct' and they are very clever indeed. It does lend itself hugely to the concept of 'intelligent design' - harder to believe a big bang put all this information in the right place at the right time, but let me not go there lest I be attacked by **** well, life forms.

    I also love the Windex commercial where the sliding glass door is sooooo clean that this guy slams right into it and the birds (crows?) are up there on the telephone wires cracking up laughing at him.
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    • Profile picture of the author Dan C. Rinnert
      Quoth the raven: "Nevermore."

      Not sure what the Indy reference is that I'm missing, but maybe the next movie could be Indiana Jones and the Fence-Sitting Crow of Doom.
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      • Profile picture of the author KimW
        Originally Posted by Dan C. Rinnert View Post

        Quoth the raven: "Nevermore."

        Not sure what the Indy reference is that I'm missing, but maybe the next movie could be Indiana Jones and the Fence-Sitting Crow of Doom.
        You obviously need to frequent here more then.
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        • Profile picture of the author Dan C. Rinnert
          Originally Posted by KimW View Post

          You obviously need to frequent here more then.
          I'm usually over here only when one of my threads gets sent here. It's like the principal's office or a black hole or something.
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    • Profile picture of the author seasoned
      Originally Posted by Patrician View Post

      You got that right, Sal. It is amazing how intelligent even the lower life forms are - we call it 'instinct' and they are very clever indeed. It does lend itself hugely to the concept of 'intelligent design' - harder to believe a big bang put all this information in the right place at the right time, but let me not go there lest I be attacked by **** well, life forms.

      I also love the Windex commercial where the sliding glass door is sooooo clean that this guy slams right into it and the birds (crows?) are up there on the telephone wires cracking up laughing at him.
      What about the pidgeons in Dr. Doolittle with eddie murphy? 8-)

      Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author seasoned
    Did you ever see "THE CROW"? It's a pity THAT doesn't happen.

    Hagel, MY problem is with GEESE!

    heysal, An EAGLE once landed on my terrace. MAN did it land FAST! Does THAT mean anything?

    Steve
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    • Profile picture of the author HeySal
      Originally Posted by seasoned View Post

      Did you ever see "THE CROW"? It's a pity THAT doesn't happen.

      Hagel, MY problem is with GEESE!

      heysal, An EAGLE once landed on my terrace. MAN did it land FAST! Does THAT mean anything?

      Steve
      Well, considering the size of an eagle, I'd say it means it's time to clean your terrace! Kersplat.
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      • Profile picture of the author seasoned
        Originally Posted by HeySal View Post

        Well, considering the size of an eagle, I'd say it means it's time to clean your terrace! Kersplat.
        Naw, it eventually flew off. You couldn't even tell it was there.
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  • Profile picture of the author HeySal
    the fact that people are tacking up flyers
    Oh yeah - I bet they get furiously frightened when they read those! I would.
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    • Profile picture of the author ThomM
      Originally Posted by HeySal View Post

      Oh yeah - I bet they get furiously frightened when they read those! I would.
      Where's that big laugh my ass off smiley:confused:
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    • Profile picture of the author seasoned
      Originally Posted by HeySal View Post

      Oh yeah - I bet they get furiously frightened when they read those! I would.
      If they have a picture of deer, the deer MAY figure it out! ALSO, they MAY see a connection between the two. They don't have to actually READ! 8-)
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  • Profile picture of the author HeySal
    I'm more concerned about Kim's cow...
    I can certainly understand that, Kurt - a cow would certainly portend destruction - especially of that particular fence she was sitting on.

    Naw, it eventually flew off. You couldn't even tell it was there.
    Well you were lucky - I still wouldn't allow one to fly directly over my head - if you think the bluebird of happiness can drop a load on you, you would be surprised what a bird the size of an eagle can!
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    • Profile picture of the author seasoned
      Originally Posted by HeySal View Post

      I can certainly understand that, Kurt - a cow would certainly portend destruction - especially of that particular fence she was sitting on.


      Well you were lucky - I still wouldn't allow one to fly directly over my head - if you think the bluebird of happiness can drop a load on you, you would be surprised what a bird the size of an eagle can!
      I just heard a loud thud, like someone threw a heavy rock on my terrace, looked outside, saw the eagle, and saw it fly off. It was big and OBVIOUSLY heavy and strong. Yeah, I wouldn't want it to release above me. 8-/
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      • Profile picture of the author ConcordeWarrior
        Solitary Crow On Fence Post Portending Doom, Analysts Warn

        sources in the Pentagon had received intelligence corroborating their suspicions that the crow is in fact a dark omen foretelling widespread economic ruin, famine, pestilence, and perhaps even the total collapse of the national infrastructure.
        "At this point, all we can say for sure is that the sudden appearance of this grim avian prophet spells disaster for our nation's banks, its roads, its schools, its health care system, its energy resources--for our entire American way of life," Defense Department spokesman Bryan Whitman told reporters while examining video footage of the crow.

        How can anyone believe this?

        This is crap.
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        • Profile picture of the author R Hagel
          Originally Posted by ConcordeWarrior View Post


          How can anyone believe this?

          This is crap.

          You call it crap. I call it a good reason to go underground for a while with my lucky rabbit's foot and a case of good liquor.

          cheers,
          Becky
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        • Profile picture of the author KimW
          Originally Posted by ConcordeWarrior View Post

          Solitary Crow On Fence Post Portending Doom, Analysts Warn

          sources in the Pentagon had received intelligence corroborating their suspicions that the crow is in fact a dark omen foretelling widespread economic ruin, famine, pestilence, and perhaps even the total collapse of the national infrastructure.
          "At this point, all we can say for sure is that the sudden appearance of this grim avian prophet spells disaster for our nation's banks, its roads, its schools, its health care system, its energy resources--for our entire American way of life," Defense Department spokesman Bryan Whitman told reporters while examining video footage of the crow.

          How can anyone believe this?

          This is crap.
          Actually it's called humour.
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        • Profile picture of the author seasoned
          Originally Posted by ConcordeWarrior View Post

          Solitary Crow On Fence Post Portending Doom, Analysts Warn

          sources in the Pentagon had received intelligence corroborating their suspicions that the crow is in fact a dark omen foretelling widespread economic ruin, famine, pestilence, and perhaps even the total collapse of the national infrastructure.
          "At this point, all we can say for sure is that the sudden appearance of this grim avian prophet spells disaster for our nation's banks, its roads, its schools, its health care system, its energy resources--for our entire American way of life," Defense Department spokesman Bryan Whitman told reporters while examining video footage of the crow.

          How can anyone believe this?

          This is crap.

          There IS a guy, on the internet, selling a ring to make you immortal! So the question is almost like what WON'T people believe.

          Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author KimW
    Be quiet Steve, you're going to hurt my sales!
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  • Profile picture of the author seasoned
    Kimw,

    I wasn't talking about YOU! OK, maybe some think I am kidding, I found it in Google:

    Immortality Devices by Alex Chiu

    That guy claims to know like EVERYTHING, and says this will solve SO many problems.
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  • Profile picture of the author KimW
    He has his own Youtube channel too. And a video showing how HE can solve the financial crisis.The guys a genius (not).
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