Ha Ha Ha

He'll be here all week ladies and germs.
Dont forget your waitress
please try the veal.

The paper shortage in Iraq has forced shopkeepers to use older means to collect money from customers. However, one merchant was arrested for trying to bill two Kurds with one stone.

Please, please, hold your applause. If you think the veal is good, try the fish.

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "that'll be two fifty".
Duck says...............Put it on my bill.

Amy Winehouse walks into a bar. The bartender looks at her and says, "Gee. Why the long face?"

Peter and Mary are at the foot of the cross where Jesus is crucified. Jesus calls out in a weak voice, "Peter... Peter..."

Peter stands up. "Yes, my lord?"

"Peter... come closer..."

Peter walks right up to the foot of the cross. "Yes? What is it, lord?"

"Peter... come closer..."

Peter clambers up the cross until he can hook one arm over the crossbar. "Yes, my lord?" he pants.

"Peter... I can see your house from here..."

A little pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks.

He finishes them and the bartender says, "Don't you want to know where the toilet is?" The pig says,

"No, thanks, I go wee-wee-wee all the way home."

A woman walks into a bar carrying a duck under her arm.
A guy at a table calls out, "Where'd ya get the pig???"
She turns to him and indignantly replies, "It's a duck!!!"
He retorts, "I was talkin' to the duck!!!"

CATHOLIC HUMOR

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good
idea to replace the first four rows of pews with plush bucket theater
seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a
little more beat to the music would bring young people back to the
church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel
choir. We are packed to the balcony!!"

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest.

"I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"However," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with
the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father , protested the young priest, "my confessions and the
donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"I know, son, but that flashing neon sign, Toot 'n Tell
or Go to Hell," just can't stay on the church roof.

A man walks into a bar ... and stubs his toe.

Hoo ho ho Ha ha ha heeee heee

A dyslexic walks into a rab.

- - - - -

A baby seal wlaks into a club.

2 carrots are walking down the side of the road when one is tragically struck by a car.

The injured Carrot is rushed to the hospital where his friend waits nervously. Finally the doctor emerges and tells him there is good news and bad news. The good news - Your friend will live. The bad news - He will be a vegetable for the rest of his life.

Ok I stole this from CDarklock from a previous thread because I thought it was funny...


A Blind Man walks into a bar...

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a
pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient
was alive when you
began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in
a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still
been alive,
nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
alive and practicing law.

Alright, I gotta ask - Can someone explain the termite one to me

A Hollywood agent is driving down the road in Kansas, when he sees a herd of cows in a field with musical instruments - one at a piano, one at a set of drums, two with guitars, and one with a standing double bass. Amazed, he stops and rolls down the window, and to his udder - I mean, utter shock, they sound really good.

So he thinks to himself that they're playing in about the same range as a singer he represents, and she's a vegetarian, so it would be this incredible marketing coup if he could get the owner's permission to send these cows out on tour as her backing band. He's got half the marketing campaign already planned out in his head as he locates the farm's driveway, and drives up to the farmhouse. So he knocks on the door, and a little boy answers.

"Are those your cows?" asks the agent, trying to conceal his excitement.

"Nope," says the boy. "They're my paw's."

"Well, can I talk to him?"

"Nope. He don't get up till 'round midnight."

The agent scratches his head. "Midnight? Why so late?"

"Well," says the boy, "he's purty strange. I'm guessin' you want to buy them cows, right?"

The agent nods excitedly. "Absolutely, yes."

"Well, he's not gonna do business with you unless you do it his way... he's gonna want you to take a little marijuana with him."

The agent laughs. "Is that all? Oh, that's no problem."

"Yeah, but he takes it in a funny way... suppositories."

"Suppositories?!" says the agent. "I've never even heard of marijuana suppositories. I'm going to have to think about that one."

"Well, if you decide to do it, come back 'round midnight." And the boy shuts the door.

So the agent drives around for a while, and as midnight approaches, he decides to go back for the cows.

After all, a herd in the band is worth boo in the tush.

(Wisely runs away)

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's.
Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan..
There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley:

*
*
To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a nonpartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.

The Reagan family and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

After mass a young priest asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip. So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.


Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:


1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.


2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.


3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.


4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.


5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.


6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.


7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.


8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the **** out of him.


9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.


10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'


11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.


12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.


13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.


14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St.. Taffy's.

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products,that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock !

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6 Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.

Hope this brightened your day!

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'there's nothing wrong with them, sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely ......"ARE-MY-TEST-RESULTS-BACK?"

Thanks for the termite explanation - can't believe I was too obtuse to get that.

*adds joke to repertoire*

Three women are driving around enjoying the countryside one day when they are struck by a truck and killed.
At the pearly gates St. Peter tells them there is only one rule - don't step on the ducks.
As they walk in they are weeding their way through.....ducks everywhere.
One woman steps back and accidentally steps on one.
St. Peter comes to her with a very ugly man and straps them together by their wrists.
OMG the other two think and start shuffling verrrrry carefully.
In a couple of days a second of the two women makes a false move and steps on a duck.
St. Peter comes to her with the most terrible, frightening looking man they had ever seen and straps them together by the wrist.
For two weeks the third shuffles very carefully, scared to death to move at all.
Finally St Peter comes to her and straps the most gorgeous man she had ever seen to her wrist. She begins dancing and giggling "Oh what, oh what did I do to deserve this wonderful man to spend eternity with?" she cries with glee.
"Uh...I don't know what YOU did," he grumbles unhappily, "but I stepped on a duck".

Official motto of the Greek Army: 'Never leave your buddies behind.'