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Guy goes to the doctor and gets x-rays taken. Doctor tells him the bill is $100.

Guy says he has no money but would be glad to pay him with some chickens
from his farm.

Doctor says, "No thanks...I don't take personal chicks."

ba-da-boom.
  • Profile picture of the author Michael Motley
    He'll be here all week ladies and germs.
    Dont forget your waitress
    please try the veal.
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  • Profile picture of the author Michael Oksa
    The paper shortage in Iraq has forced shopkeepers to use older means to collect money from customers. However, one merchant was arrested for trying to bill two Kurds with one stone.

    Please, please, hold your applause. If you think the veal is good, try the fish.
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    "Ich bin en fuego!"
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  • Profile picture of the author HeySal
    A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "that'll be two fifty".
    Duck says...............Put it on my bill.
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    Sal
    When the Roads and Paths end, learn to guide yourself through the wilderness
    Beyond the Path

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  • Profile picture of the author Star69
    Amy Winehouse walks into a bar. The bartender looks at her and says, "Gee. Why the long face?"
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    • Profile picture of the author Killer Joe
      A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his belt. The bartender asks, "What's that for?" The pirate responds, "Aarrr, its driving me nuts".


      A drunk guy walks up to the bar and asks for a Scotch and soda. When the barkeep brings him his drink the drunk points to a woman sitting at the end of the bar and says "And give that duesch bag down there a drink."

      The bartender says "Hey buddy, that's no way to speak about someone. Want to try that again?"

      So the drunk says "Yea, can you give that duesch bag down there a drink?"

      Mumbling to himself the barkeep walks to the end of the bar where the drunks' female friend is sitting and asks "Your friend over there wants to buy you a drink, what will you have?"

      She slurs out "Yea, Give me a little vinegar and water."


      Who ate all the peanuts?

      KJ
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  • Profile picture of the author CDarklock
    Peter and Mary are at the foot of the cross where Jesus is crucified. Jesus calls out in a weak voice, "Peter... Peter..."

    Peter stands up. "Yes, my lord?"

    "Peter... come closer..."

    Peter walks right up to the foot of the cross. "Yes? What is it, lord?"

    "Peter... come closer..."

    Peter clambers up the cross until he can hook one arm over the crossbar. "Yes, my lord?" he pants.

    "Peter... I can see your house from here..."
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    "The Golden Town is the Golden Town no longer. They have sold their pillars for brass and their temples for money, they have made coins out of their golden doors. It is become a dark town full of trouble, there is no ease in its streets, beauty has left it and the old songs are gone." - Lord Dunsany, The Messengers
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    • Profile picture of the author Star69
      Originally Posted by CDarklock View Post

      Peter and Mary are at the foot of the cross where Jesus is crucified. Jesus calls out in a weak voice, "Peter... Peter..."

      Peter stands up. "Yes, my lord?"

      "Peter... come closer..."

      Peter walks right up to the foot of the cross. "Yes? What is it, lord?"

      "Peter... come closer..."

      Peter clambers up the cross until he can hook one arm over the crossbar. "Yes, my lord?" he pants.

      "Peter... I can see your house from here..."
      ....Boo...
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  • Profile picture of the author David Maschke
    A little pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks.

    He finishes them and the bartender says, "Don't you want to know where the toilet is?" The pig says,

    "No, thanks, I go wee-wee-wee all the way home."
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    I

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    • Profile picture of the author Dave Patterson
      Well Martha...looks like the corn's doing mighty fine this year, yes indeed!

      *In reference to this whole corny thread...*
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  • Profile picture of the author jacktackett
    A woman walks into a bar carrying a duck under her arm.
    A guy at a table calls out, "Where'd ya get the pig???"
    She turns to him and indignantly replies, "It's a duck!!!"
    He retorts, "I was talkin' to the duck!!!"
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    • Profile picture of the author Frank Donovan
      A white horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, we've got a whisky named after you".

      The horse says "You have a whisky named Eric?"




      Frank
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  • Profile picture of the author reikidad1961
    CATHOLIC HUMOR

    The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good
    idea to replace the first four rows of pews with plush bucket theater
    seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

    The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a
    little more beat to the music would bring young people back to the
    church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel
    choir. We are packed to the balcony!!"

    "Thank you, Father," answered the young priest.

    "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

    "However," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with
    the drive-thru confessional."

    "But, Father , protested the young priest, "my confessions and the
    donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

    "I know, son, but that flashing neon sign, Toot 'n Tell
    or Go to Hell," just can't stay on the church roof.
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  • Profile picture of the author gareth
    A man walks into a bar ... and stubs his toe.

    Hoo ho ho Ha ha ha heeee heee
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    • Profile picture of the author TimPhelan
      Was it a bar, as in an alcohol commercial establishment? Or a bar as in a relatively long, straight, rigid piece of solid material used as a fastener, support, barrier, or structural or mechanical member? I don't get the joke, but somehow there seems to be some masked humor. I didn't LOL, or chuckle, or giggle. I didn't even smirk. But I did have some activety in my stomach after reading it. Perhaps that was the burrito I had for dinner though.


      Originally Posted by gareth View Post

      A man walks into a bar ... and stubs his toe.

      Hoo ho ho Ha ha ha heeee heee
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  • Profile picture of the author Michael Oksa
    A dyslexic walks into a rab.

    - - - - -

    A baby seal wlaks into a club.

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    "Ich bin en fuego!"
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  • Profile picture of the author TeddyP
    2 carrots are walking down the side of the road when one is tragically struck by a car.

    The injured Carrot is rushed to the hospital where his friend waits nervously. Finally the doctor emerges and tells him there is good news and bad news. The good news - Your friend will live. The bad news - He will be a vegetable for the rest of his life.
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  • Profile picture of the author garyv
    Ok I stole this from CDarklock from a previous thread because I thought it was funny...


    A Blind Man walks into a bar...
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  • Profile picture of the author Rick McCombs
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
    did you check for a
    pulse?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient
    was alive when you
    began the autopsy?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in
    a jar.

    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still
    been alive,
    nevertheless?

    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
    alive and practicing law.
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    \"Person who say something cannot be done, should not interrupt person doing it.\"

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  • Profile picture of the author TeddyP
    Alright, I gotta ask - Can someone explain the termite one to me
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    • Profile picture of the author Michael Oksa
      Originally Posted by TeddyP View Post

      Alright, I gotta ask - Can someone explain the termite one to me
      Termites like to eat wood.

      Bars are often made of wood.

      A termite would likely prefer its wood to be tender, much like people prefer their steaks to be tender.

      Therefore: is the bartender here = is the bar tender here.

      Hope that helps.

      ~Michael
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      "Ich bin en fuego!"
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      • Profile picture of the author gareth
        Its the year 2030

        Three men are sitting at the table drinking and playing cards.

        One man puts his hand to his ear and speaks into his wrist breifly.

        "What are you doing ?" the other two ask - He replies, "I got a bionic phone implant.
        I recieve calls in the palm of my hand. Sorry about that, I just recieved a call."

        "Ohh cool" they reply.

        A little while on one of the other men starts making strange noises in his stomach.
        Next thing they can hear music and voices coming out of this dudes stomach.

        He lifts his shirt and there is a video screen actually implanted in this dudes abs.

        "Excuse me man" he says "I got a bionic implant too, its in my abs man -
        I was just recieving a video teleconference. I'll turn it off if its disturbing you"

        "Yeah - dont worry man its not disturbing us" they reply non chalantly.

        Some time later the third man excuses himself and retires to the bathroom.
        He returns after a while and goes to the kitchen to get some more drinks.

        The guys notice he has a long trail of toilet tissue hanging out of the back of his trousers.

        "Hey dude" they tell him "you left toilet paper in your pants"

        "Naaah man" he replies " I got a bionic implant too, I was just recieving a FAX"
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  • Profile picture of the author CDarklock
    A Hollywood agent is driving down the road in Kansas, when he sees a herd of cows in a field with musical instruments - one at a piano, one at a set of drums, two with guitars, and one with a standing double bass. Amazed, he stops and rolls down the window, and to his udder - I mean, utter shock, they sound really good.

    So he thinks to himself that they're playing in about the same range as a singer he represents, and she's a vegetarian, so it would be this incredible marketing coup if he could get the owner's permission to send these cows out on tour as her backing band. He's got half the marketing campaign already planned out in his head as he locates the farm's driveway, and drives up to the farmhouse. So he knocks on the door, and a little boy answers.

    "Are those your cows?" asks the agent, trying to conceal his excitement.

    "Nope," says the boy. "They're my paw's."

    "Well, can I talk to him?"

    "Nope. He don't get up till 'round midnight."

    The agent scratches his head. "Midnight? Why so late?"

    "Well," says the boy, "he's purty strange. I'm guessin' you want to buy them cows, right?"

    The agent nods excitedly. "Absolutely, yes."

    "Well, he's not gonna do business with you unless you do it his way... he's gonna want you to take a little marijuana with him."

    The agent laughs. "Is that all? Oh, that's no problem."

    "Yeah, but he takes it in a funny way... suppositories."

    "Suppositories?!" says the agent. "I've never even heard of marijuana suppositories. I'm going to have to think about that one."

    "Well, if you decide to do it, come back 'round midnight." And the boy shuts the door.

    So the agent drives around for a while, and as midnight approaches, he decides to go back for the cows.

    After all, a herd in the band is worth boo in the tush.

    (Wisely runs away)
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    "The Golden Town is the Golden Town no longer. They have sold their pillars for brass and their temples for money, they have made coins out of their golden doors. It is become a dark town full of trouble, there is no ease in its streets, beauty has left it and the old songs are gone." - Lord Dunsany, The Messengers
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  • Profile picture of the author HeySal
    You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's.
    Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan..
    There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley:

    *
    *
    To: John Hinckley
    From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

    My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a nonpartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.

    The Reagan family and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

    Best wishes,
    Nancy Reagan & Family

    P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.
    Signature

    Sal
    When the Roads and Paths end, learn to guide yourself through the wilderness
    Beyond the Path

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  • Profile picture of the author Donna Dueck
    After mass a young priest asked the monsignor how he had done.

    The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip. So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.


    Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:


    1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.


    2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.


    3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.


    4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.


    5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.


    6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.


    7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.


    8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the **** out of him.


    9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.


    10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'


    11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.


    12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.


    13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.


    14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St.. Taffy's.
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  • Profile picture of the author Donna Dueck
    The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
    The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products,that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

    About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

    10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

    9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

    8. Viagra, like a rock !

    7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

    6 Viagra, Be all that you can be.

    5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

    4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

    3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

    2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

    And the unanimous number one slogan:

    1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.

    Hope this brightened your day!
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  • Profile picture of the author Dave Patterson
    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

    Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

    He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

    Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'there's nothing wrong with them, sir !!'

    The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely ......"ARE-MY-TEST-RESULTS-BACK?"
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    • Profile picture of the author WendellC
      A duck is staying at a fancy hotel and has a feeling that he's going to get lucky that night.

      Being a duck of high moral fiber he walks up to the concierge and asks, "Say, do you know where I can get some condoms?"

      The concierge replies with a wink, "Sure, I have some for sale right here. Do you want me to put it on your bill?"

      The duck replies, "Hey, I'm not some kind of pervert."


      Wendell
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  • Profile picture of the author TeddyP
    Thanks for the termite explanation - can't believe I was too obtuse to get that.

    *adds joke to repertoire*
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    • Profile picture of the author Dave Patterson
      Originally Posted by TeddyP View Post

      Thanks for the termite explanation - can't believe I was too obtuse to get that.

      *adds joke to repertoire*
      LOL...don't fret Teddy...I didn't get it either. Duh.
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      • Profile picture of the author Killer Joe
        Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the nursery ward, eleven are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.

        A nurse comes by and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.

        "Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other. "All these unhappy babies and yet our baby is so happy. This just Proves the superiority of gay love!"

        The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the pacifier out of his ass.."


        KJ
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        • Profile picture of the author Jared Alberghini
          Originally Posted by Killer Joe View Post

          The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the pacifier out of his ass.."
          That's so wrong on so many levels, how come I can't stop laughing?


          I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.


          .jrd
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  • Profile picture of the author HeySal
    Three women are driving around enjoying the countryside one day when they are struck by a truck and killed.
    At the pearly gates St. Peter tells them there is only one rule - don't step on the ducks.
    As they walk in they are weeding their way through.....ducks everywhere.
    One woman steps back and accidentally steps on one.
    St. Peter comes to her with a very ugly man and straps them together by their wrists.
    OMG the other two think and start shuffling verrrrry carefully.
    In a couple of days a second of the two women makes a false move and steps on a duck.
    St. Peter comes to her with the most terrible, frightening looking man they had ever seen and straps them together by the wrist.
    For two weeks the third shuffles very carefully, scared to death to move at all.
    Finally St Peter comes to her and straps the most gorgeous man she had ever seen to her wrist. She begins dancing and giggling "Oh what, oh what did I do to deserve this wonderful man to spend eternity with?" she cries with glee.
    "Uh...I don't know what YOU did," he grumbles unhappily, "but I stepped on a duck".
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    Sal
    When the Roads and Paths end, learn to guide yourself through the wilderness
    Beyond the Path

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  • Profile picture of the author Star69
    Official motto of the Greek Army: 'Never leave your buddies behind.'
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