What G-Rated Joke Always Cracks You Up?

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A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act. "You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket" But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket. "Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go." The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens.

Game warden: So where are the fish?

Fisherman: What fish?


What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.


What's brown and sticky?

A stick.


What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile


Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?

'Cause if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat.


What G-Rated Joke Always Cracks You Up?



Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and asks "Do you smell fish?"

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"





Joe Mobley
  • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
    Where does a king keep his armies?
    In his sleevies.

    What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
    Nacho cheese.

    Why is Six afraid of Seven?
    Because Seven Eight Nine.
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    Raising a child is akin to knowing you're getting fired in 18 years and having to train your replacement without actively sabotaging them.

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    • Profile picture of the author Joe Mobley
      Why don't blind people go skydiving? Because it scares the heck out of their dogs.

      Joe Mobley
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      Follow Me on Twitter: @daVinciJoe
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      • Profile picture of the author Joe Mobley
        What's blue and smells like red paint?

        Blue paint.

        Joe Mobley
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        Follow Me on Twitter: @daVinciJoe
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        • Profile picture of the author Frank Donovan
          Sad news. The inventor of predictive text has died.
          His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

          .
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          • Profile picture of the author positivenegative
            A little boy says: "Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her."
            "Son," says the dad. "That happens everywhere."
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            • Profile picture of the author positivenegative
              A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $500 to drop that towel."

              After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds Bob hands her $500 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

              When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $500 he owes me?"
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  • Profile picture of the author Khemosabi

    Hokey Pokey Creator Dies
    With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the life and death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.



    Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part, for his family, was getting him into the coffin.
    They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
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    • Profile picture of the author MissTerraK
      I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day!


      What do you call a fake noodle?
      An impasta


      10 Games For Seniors to Play

      1.) Sag, You're it
      2.) Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
      3.) 20 questions shouted into your good ear
      4.) Kick the bucket
      5.) Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over
      6.) Doc Goose
      7.) Simon says something incoherent
      8.) Hide and go pee
      9.) Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
      10.) Musical recliners
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      • Profile picture of the author Jill Carpenter
        Why couldn't the ghost have babies?

        He had a Halloweenie.

        (is that G rated?)
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        "May I have ten thousand marbles, please?"

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        • Profile picture of the author Zodiax
          Originally Posted by Jill Carpenter View Post

          Why couldn't the ghost have babies?

          He had a Halloweenie.

          (is that G rated?)
          Someone had to do it.

          Felt it comin'
          Signature

          'I hated every minute of training, but I said, 'Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion'
          -Muhammad Ali

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          • Profile picture of the author kenmichaels
            Originally Posted by Zodiax View Post

            Originally Posted by Jill Carpenter View Post

            Why couldn't the ghost have babies?

            He had a Halloweenie.

            (is that G rated?)
            Someone had to do it.

            Felt it comin'
            It might be best if you kept your fetish to yourself.
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            Selling Ain't for Sissies!
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  • Profile picture of the author Khemosabi
    Knock Knock!

    Who's There?

    Smell Mop.......

    Signature


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    • Profile picture of the author MissTerraK
      Originally Posted by Khemosabi View Post

      Knock Knock!

      Who's There?

      Smell Mop.......

      Clean up on 10, please.


      Terra
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      • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
        Most astronauts head for Saturn to take a dump. That's why there is a ring around the toilet.
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        Feel The Power Of The Mark Side

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        • Profile picture of the author Zodiax
          Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

          Most astronauts head for Saturn to take a dump. That's why there is a ring around the toilet.
          you should see Claude's toilet rings.
          Signature

          'I hated every minute of training, but I said, 'Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion'
          -Muhammad Ali

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  • Profile picture of the author Dennis Gaskill
    Ten men walked into a bar. They each had on a different colored shirt. The man in the blue shirt said give me a Beer. The bartender said, "We don't serve blue shirts here." Then the man in the white shirt said give me a Whiskey. The bartender said, "We don't serve white shirts here." Then the man in the red shirt said give me a Bloody Mary. The bartender said, "We don't serve red shirts here." Then the man in the brown shirt said give me a Margarita. The bartender said, "We don't serve brown shirts here." Then the man in the orange shirt said give me a Tequila Sunrise. The bartender said, "We don't serve orange shirts here." Then the man in the yellow shirt said give me a Rum and Coke. The bartender said, "We don't serve yellow shirts here." Then the man in the green shirt said give me a Mai Tai. The bartender said, "We don't serve green shirts here." Then the man in the purple shirt said give me an Old Fashioned. The bartender said, "We don't serve purple shirts here." Then the man in the black shirt said give me a glass of Wine. The bartender said, "We don't serve black shirts here." Then the man in the pink shirt said give me a sparkly water. The bartender said, "Hi Terra. How have you been?"

    What? Was it supposed to be funny?



    I got a chuckle out of thinking some of you might read the whole thing. Sorry Terra, you're the only person I could associate a favorite color with.
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    Just when you think you've got it all figured out, someone changes the rules.

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    • Profile picture of the author MissTerraK
      Originally Posted by Dennis Gaskill View Post

      Ten men walked into a bar. They each had on a different colored shirt. The man in the blue shirt said give me a Beer. The bartender said, "We don't serve blue shirts here." Then the man in the white shirt said give me a Whiskey. The bartender said, "We don't serve white shirts here." Then the man in the red shirt said give me a Bloody Mary. The bartender said, "We don't serve red shirts here." Then the man in the brown shirt said give me a Margarita. The bartender said, "We don't serve brown shirts here." Then the man in the orange shirt said give me a Tequila Sunrise. The bartender said, "We don't serve orange shirts here." Then the man in the yellow shirt said give me a Rum and Coke. The bartender said, "We don't serve yellow shirts here." Then the man in the green shirt said give me a Mai Tai. The bartender said, "We don't serve green shirts here." Then the man in the purple shirt said give me an Old Fashioned. The bartender said, "We don't serve purple shirts here." Then the man in the black shirt said give me a glass of Wine. The bartender said, "We don't serve black shirts here." Then the man in the pink shirt said give me a sparkly water. The bartender said, "Hi Terra. How have you been?"

      What? Was it supposed to be funny?



      I got a chuckle out of thinking some of you might read the whole thing. Sorry Terra, you're the only person I could associate a favorite color with.
      Haha! I read the whole thing and I've got to tell ya, I wasn't thinking "Terra" when I got to the pink shirt and sparkling water part. LOL!

      Wait! What?
      You think I'm a man?


      Terra
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      • Profile picture of the author Dennis Gaskill
        Originally Posted by MissTerraK View Post


        Wait! What?
        You think I'm a man?
        No darlin', but it was an unexpected finish that I thought might amuse some just a little bit.
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        Just when you think you've got it all figured out, someone changes the rules.

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    • Profile picture of the author positivenegative
      On the theme of Dennis' bar joke, here's a punny one . . .


      A piece of string walks into a bar and the bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here". So, the piece of string goes outside, twists himself around and ruffles up one of his ends, and then walks back into the bar.

      The bartender asks: "Aren't you the piece of string I just kicked out?"

      The piece of string replies: "No, I'm a frayed knot".

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      • Profile picture of the author MissTerraK


        My evil smiley would go right here if I had one, lol!

        Terra
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        • Profile picture of the author MissTerraK
          Oh, and to carry on with my love for coffee theme...

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  • Profile picture of the author Khemosabi
    You stink Dennis... you stink!

    Just so you know.... Terra would have had grenadine drizzled in it. Turns that sparkly water to PINK!

    So does Chambord... and oh is that good! Raspberry liquor! (pronounced liquoeeuuurrrrr).

    <-- Pink smileys for Terra. Not that anyone can see them...

    ~ Theresa
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  • Profile picture of the author Dennis Gaskill
    I'm just bumping this to make sure everyone got a chance to see the joke in post #17. It's so funny! Might be the joke of the year.
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    Just when you think you've got it all figured out, someone changes the rules.

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    • Profile picture of the author Khemosabi
      Originally Posted by Dennis Gaskill View Post

      I'm just bumping this to make sure everyone got a chance to see the joke in post #17. It's so funny! Might be the joke of the year.
      I quoted you so everyone will know bumping it was my way of nominating you for the joke of the year.

      ~ Theresa

      Part of the nomination comity. Badge #TVC15.
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      • Profile picture of the author positivenegative
        Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other, "Are we poisonous?" The other replied, "You're darn right we are! We're rattlesnakes. Why do you ask?" To which the first replied, "Because I just bit my tongue".
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        • Profile picture of the author positivenegative
          A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move.

          "Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor.

          "How much do I owe you?" the lady asks.

          "$345," says the doctor.

          "$345!!?" the lady asks.

          "Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."
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          • Profile picture of the author Jill Carpenter
            Originally Posted by Dennis Gaskill View Post

            Ten men walked into a bar. They each had on a different colored shirt. The man in the blue shirt said give me a Beer. The bartender said, "We don't serve blue shirts here." Then the man in the white shirt said give me a Whiskey. The bartender said, "We don't serve white shirts here." Then the man in the red shirt said give me a Bloody Mary. The bartender said, "We don't serve red shirts here." Then the man in the brown shirt said give me a Margarita. The bartender said, "We don't serve brown shirts here." Then the man in the orange shirt said give me a Tequila Sunrise. The bartender said, "We don't serve orange shirts here." Then the man in the yellow shirt said give me a Rum and Coke. The bartender said, "We don't serve yellow shirts here." Then the man in the green shirt said give me a Mai Tai. The bartender said, "We don't serve green shirts here." Then the man in the purple shirt said give me an Old Fashioned. The bartender said, "We don't serve purple shirts here." Then the man in the black shirt said give me a glass of Wine. The bartender said, "We don't serve black shirts here." Then Terra with no shirt on walked in and the bartender said, "What would you like to drink today dear?"
            Fixed that for ya.
            THAT is where I thought you might be going.
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            "May I have ten thousand marbles, please?"

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            • Profile picture of the author Dennis Gaskill
              Originally Posted by Jill Carpenter View Post

              Fixed that for ya.
              THAT is where I thought you might be going.
              I'm a good boy. I wouldn't think like that.

              . . . until someone paints that mental picture for me. Now every time I see Terra's avatar I'll be thinking . . . and its all your doing, Jill!


              Thanks.
              Signature

              Just when you think you've got it all figured out, someone changes the rules.

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              • Profile picture of the author positivenegative
                Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems. "Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy" I said..

                "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

                "How much do you charge?" I asked.

                "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

                "I’ll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," I said.

                Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street. "Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked. "Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new car."

                "Is that so", with a bit of an attitude he replied, then added: "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

                "He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!" I said.
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                • Profile picture of the author positivenegative
                  A married man went into the church confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

                  The man said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box."

                  The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!"

                  The man replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you that’s the same as putting it in."
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                  • Profile picture of the author positivenegative
                    A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $1,000 and he won't pay up. What should I do?"

                    "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.

                    "Nope," replied the man.

                    "OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $2,000 he owed you," said the lawyer.

                    "But it's only $1,000," replied the man.

                    "Precisely," said the lawyer. "That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof."
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Singletary
    John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender asks him "Why the long face?"

    Mark
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    • Profile picture of the author peter_act
      A doctor picks up the phone, to hear a panic stricken mother on the line.

      "Doctor, doctor", she cries frantically "my baby's just swallowed a condom!".

      "Don't worry", says the doctor. "I'll be right there".

      He puts on his coat, grabs his bag, and is just going out the door when the phone rings again.

      It's the same mother, but much calmer this time.

      "Oh doctor" she says, "I'm so glad I caught you. No need to come now, we've found another one!"
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      • Profile picture of the author positivenegative
        The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were "protecting." Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf and dumb person for this job because if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

        On his first week, the collector picks up over $70,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realize that their collection is late and send some of their hoods after the deaf and dumb collector. The hoods find the collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf and dumb collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.

        The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter then signs, "Where's the money?" The dumb man signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hoods, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

        One of the hoods then pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the dumb collector. "Now ask him where the money is", he says.

        The interpreter signs, "Where is the money? The deaf man nervously signs back, "The $70,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."

        The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."
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  • Profile picture of the author bizgrower
    A father and his young son see dogs going at it in the park.

    The boy asks what they are doing and the Dad says "Er, um, er...
    they are making puppies."

    Later that week, the boy walks in on his parents in the bedroom and asks what they are doing.
    Dad says "Er, um, er.. we are making a baby."

    The boy says "Turn Mommy over, I'd rather have a puppy."



    (Hope it's G rated enough.)
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    "If you think you're the smartest person in the room, then you're probably in the wrong room."

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  • Profile picture of the author Oziboomer
    Husband comes home...

    says

    "Honey, pack your bags, We won lotto"

    Wife: "Where are we going?"

    Husband: "Nowhere...you're leaving"


    ....follow-on

    Husband in bar with new wife...

    looks over sees woman at bar...

    Wife says " Who's that?"

    Husband replies "My Ex... she hasn't been sober in 8 years since we divorced"

    New Wife: " Wow...she's still celebrating!"
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    • Profile picture of the author positivenegative
      While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

      "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

      "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied.

      "How does it work?" his guest asked.

      "Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For f*ck sake, you wanker, it's 2am in the f*cking morning!!"
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      • Profile picture of the author positivenegative
        During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

        "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

        "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

        "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"
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        • Profile picture of the author positivenegative
          An archaeologist in Egypt was taking a walk in the town square one morning. He had to get back to the hotel for a meeting but had forgotten his wristwatch. He was walking by an old man sitting on a low stool by his camel and asked if he knew the time. The old man slowly reached over and pushed the camel's testicles to one side and then released them, letting them swing to a stop. "10:27" he said.

          The archaeologist was stunned as he had never seen someone tell time like that before. He rushed back to the hotel to find his colleagues and then brought them back to the town square to find the old man.

          Having found him again, the archaeologist said, "I will give you this $50 bill if you'll show me how you tell time. The old man pocketed the $50 bill and said, "OK, kneel down here with me and put your head close to mine. Now swing the camel's testicles out of the way. Now, can you see the clock on that building over there?"
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          • Profile picture of the author positivenegative
            The FBI had a position open for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun, then said: "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

            The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." he said. The agent replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home."

            Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. "Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks" he said. "I had to strangle that bitch to death".
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            • Profile picture of the author positivenegative
              Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, "Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife." Donnie says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

              Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Ronnie says, "Where did you get that beer, Donnie?" "Cooter's wife gave it to me," Donnie replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

              "Well, not exactly", Donnie says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Cooter's widow." She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow." Then I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."
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              • Profile picture of the author positivenegative
                A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" he asks.

                "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

                "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" said the man.

                "No, because he's really heavy," the vet replied.
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                • Profile picture of the author positivenegative
                  Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched with horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of them and he immediately fell to the ground clutching his hands together in his groin, and rolled around in obvious agony.

                  The woman rushed over and immediately began to apologize: "Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'll allow me", she told him." "Oh no I'll be all right, I'll be fine in a few minutes", the man replied, still lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

                  Following her persistence however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them at his sides, she loosened his trousers and put her hand inside. She administered tender and skillful massage for several long moments and then asked: "How does that feel?" He replied, "It feels fabulous, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
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                  • Profile picture of the author positivenegative
                    An old sailor was out walking on the dock one day when he met a former ship mate of his. They had not seen each other for many years so they had much to talk about and many old memories to renew.

                    After some time, one said to the other, "If you don't mind my saying so, you don't look very good, you must have experienced some bad luck." "Yes," the other one said, "I have. You see this peg leg? Well, one day I was out on deck and my leg become dangled up in a loose line and it was so badly mangled that they had to take it off at the knee." His friend agreed that was bad luck. The other one continued... "You see I have a hook for a hand. One day I was out on deck when a shipmate of mine fell overboard. I leaned over as far as I could in a attempt to rescue him and as I extended my hand to him a shark took my hand off." "My, you really did experience bad luck, the other responded, I see you have a patch over one eye, What happened to your eye?" "Well, I was out on deck again one day and just as I looked up, a seagull that was flying over, unloaded, and got me right in the eye." "My, My, and that took your eye out?" "No, that was the first day I had my hook," he replied.
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  • Profile picture of the author Tim3
    Here you go Joe...

    Two snowmen in the garden,
    one says to the other, "Can you smell carrots?"

    Secretary to boss: "Excuse me Mr Smith can I use your dictaphone?"
    Boss: "Certainly not, use your finger like everyone else".

    A white horse walks into a pub, and the barman says "We have a whiskey named after you"...
    and the horse says "What, Eric?".
    Signature

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    • Profile picture of the author positivenegative
      A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck. What in the world should I do now?"

      A man standing next to her, tries to calm her down and suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age on the next spin?" He then walks away. Moments later his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Thinking maybe she'd won, he rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.

      The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the croupier kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The croupier replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 27, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted."
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  • Profile picture of the author whateverpedia
    A bloke walks into a doctor's and says, "Doc, something strange is happening to me. Every time I walk on a lawn I start singing "The Green, Green Grass Of Home", and every time I see a cat I start singing "What's New Pussycat?"".

    The doctor replies, "Yep, you've got Tom Jones Syndrome".

    "Tom Jones Syndrome? I've never heard of that, is it rare?" the bloke asks.

    The doctor replies, "It's Not Unusual".
    Signature
    Why do garden gnomes smell so bad?
    So that blind people can hate them as well.
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  • Profile picture of the author Oziboomer
    Grandparents rush kid to hospital after he swallowed coins from Nana's handbag.

    Later Gran calls hospital to check up on kid.

    Nurse says...

    "Sorry no change yet"
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  • Profile picture of the author Oziboomer
    Grandparents rush kid to hospital after he swallowed coins from Nana's handbag.

    Later Gran calls hospital to check up on kid.

    Nurse says...

    "Sorry no change yet"
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[10545533].message }}

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