How do you bribe your cat into listening to you?

by Zodiax
20 replies
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So i tried picking up my cat while he was curled up on a warm luggage bag, and once I carried him to my bed and plopped him down and tried to snuggle.

Well, he bit my finger, jumped off the bed and curled right back up into his corner.

He only lays on my back or next to me when HE wants to, never when I want him to.

How can I bribe him.
  • Profile picture of the author kenmichaels
    Originally Posted by Zodiax View Post

    So i tried picking up my cat while he was curled up on a warm luggage bag, and once I carried him to my bed and plopped him down and tried to snuggle.

    Well, he bit my finger, jumped off the bed and curled right back up into his corner.

    He only lays on my back or next to me when HE wants to, never when I want him to.

    How can I bribe him.


    Pretend your cat is a immature teenage girl and Ignore him.

    The more you do, the more he will want to be near you.
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  • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
    Originally Posted by Zodiax View Post

    So i tried picking up my cat while he was curled up on a warm luggage bag, and once I carried him to my bed and plopped him down and tried to snuggle.

    Well, he bit my finger, jumped off the bed and curled right back up into his corner.

    He only lays on my back or next to me when HE wants to, never when I want him to.

    How can I bribe him.

    I don't think you can bribe a cat to want to lay next to you in bed.

    When I first met my wife, I used dinner and a movie. It worked on her.


    Honestly, it's probably something about the luggage that smells right, and something about your bed that smells wrong....at least to the cat.

    Watch "My Cat From Hell" videos on Youtube. I bet you'll find a solution there.
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    • Profile picture of the author kenmichaels
      Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

      I don't think you can bribe a cat to want to lay next to you in bed.

      When I first met my wife, I used dinner and a movie. It worked on her.


      Honestly, it's probably something about the luggage that smells right, and something about your bed that smells wrong....at least to the cat.

      Watch "My Cat From Hell" videos on Youtube. I bet you'll find a solution there.
      Yeah... and whatever you do, don't bribe your cat to do things.
      That's a game you won't win.

      Edit: My OP might have come off as flippant or a joke. It's not. It's real advice that WILL work.
      Just takes a little time and steadfastness on your part.
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      • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
        Originally Posted by kenmichaels View Post

        Yeah... and whatever you do, don't bribe your cat to do things.
        That's a game you won't win.

        Edit: My OP might have come off as flippant or a joke. It's not. It's real advice that WILL work.
        Just takes a little time and steadfastness on your part.
        I know! I read it and thought how spot on it is. And cats are just like teenage girls....


        Nobody chases you while you are pursuing them.
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  • Pout adoringly till you resemble a fish.

    This strategy has served me well in my dealings with innumerable mammals.

    Lyin' down an' lookin' helpless also works.

    Most animals gonna lick salt outta your eyes if they think ur dead.
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    Lightin' fuses is for blowin' stuff together.

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    • Profile picture of the author Jack Gordon
      Originally Posted by Princess Balestra View Post

      Most animals gonna lick salt outta your eyes if they think ur dead.
      Good advice, but it is likely to work much faster if you pour tuna juice in your eyes.
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      • Originally Posted by Jack Gordon View Post

        Good advice, but it is likely to work much faster if you pour tuna juice in your eyes.
        I would mebbe lie down dead next to a bowl of tuna juice an' then pounce when the cat came near.

        Prolly a sign readin' DELUXE TUNA JUICE $2 would entice the more resistant cats.

        Worst case scenario: tuna juice an' $10 sign sits in a corner of the room as a lure, an' when the cat appears, I wheel myself over real gentle, lyin' on a skateboard, all kinda sneaky, with mebbe turf spread over me to disguise me as a molehill.

        Hell, yeah, Jack -- we are gonna fix those frickin' cats.
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        • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
          Originally Posted by Princess Balestra View Post

          I would mebbe lie down dead next to a bowl of tuna juice an' then pounce when the cat came near.
          I'm sorry, but that's just nonsense.

          My suggestion is to simply dress up as tuna, and fool the cat.

          Or....

          Tell the cat that you are casting him in a movie. It's a romantic comedy, and he plays the loving cat...and you (disguised as tuna) play the deserving romantic interest.

          I have tried that with my cat, and it worked. Of course, I had to pay the cat scale wages...and he got final script approval.

          I'm serious guys.
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          • Profile picture of the author whateverpedia
            Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

            I have tried that with my cat, and it worked. Of course, I had to pay the cat scale wages...and he got final script approval.
            As the cat is still a minor and therefore far too young to appear in one of your "movies", I have reported you to the Wooster PD. Expect them to kick your door down in 10,9,8,7.......
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            Arguing with an idiot is like playing chess with a pigeon.
            It'll just knock over all the pieces, poop on the board, and strut about like it's won anyway.
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      • Profile picture of the author Kay King
        Your cat may well end up sleeping next to you or on top of you - but never because you want him to. It has to be his decision on his schedule.

        That's how cats are wired....and not all cats like to snuggle.
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        Saving one dog will not save the world....but will forever change the world for one dog.
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      • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
        Originally Posted by Jack Gordon View Post

        Good advice, but it is likely to work much faster if you pour tuna juice in your eyes.
        Thanks a lot, Mister Gordon!

        I just tried it myself...

        Bad Advice! Now my wife is calling me "Mister Tuna Smelling Eyes".
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        • Profile picture of the author Jack Gordon
          Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

          Thanks a lot, Mister Gordon!

          I just tried it myself...

          Bad Advice! Now my wife is calling me "Mister Tuna Smelling Eyes".
          That's Mister Gordon Sir to you.

          Remember, sleeping on the couch is just like camping, but without the bugs.

          And you are welcome.

          Originally Posted by Princess Balestra View Post

          I would mebbe lie down dead next to a bowl of tuna juice an' then pounce when the cat came near.
          In retrospect, Claude, PB's advice might have been better.
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        • Profile picture of the author David Beroff
          Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

          Bad Advice! Now my wife is calling me "Mister Tuna Smelling Eyes".
          The goal here was to attract the cat. As you have now seen, it's a whole different process to attract your wife. Figure out what it is you are trying to do here, and stick to it!
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          • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
            Originally Posted by David Beroff View Post

            The goal here was to attract the cat. As you have now seen, it's a whole different process to attract your wife. Figure out what it is you are trying to do here, and stick to it!
            Thank you David. But my wife is a loving, attentive person with a mind of her own, and I have no ability to influence her behavior.....so you can see how I get her mixed up with a cat.
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            • Profile picture of the author kenmichaels
              Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

              Thank you David. But my wife is a loving, attentive person with a mind of her own, and I have no ability to influence her behavior.....so you can see how I get her mixed up with a cat.
              That's cause you keep forgetting to scratch her itch.
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            • Profile picture of the author positivenegative
              Nothing will work. Cats like their own beds, anyway.


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        • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
          Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

          Thanks a lot, Mister Gordon!

          I just tried it myself...

          Bad Advice! Now my wife is calling me "Mister Tuna Smelling Eyes".
          Always thought there was something fishy about the way you look at people.

          And what's more, you might get Cataracts.

          The best way to get a cat to sit on the bed is to open a piece of luggage there and start packing some clothes into it, wooosh, within 5 minutes they will be sitting in your case depositing cat hairs over your nice clean shirts. Every single time we pack to go away for a trip they do that.

          Take me with you, or, don't go you think they are saying, nope just somewhere new to sit.
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          Where ever you go, there you are.

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  • Profile picture of the author Kurt
    Upgrade it to a dog.
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  • Profile picture of the author caymandiver
    catnip works for us most of the time, but you usually have to wait for them to calm down a bit first.
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    "I simply don't have time right now to procrastinate...I'll do it later"...
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  • Profile picture of the author mlrooney
    Originally Posted by Zodiax View Post

    So i tried picking up my cat while he was curled up on a warm luggage bag, and once I carried him to my bed and plopped him down and tried to snuggle.

    Well, he bit my finger, jumped off the bed and curled right back up into his corner.

    He only lays on my back or next to me when HE wants to, never when I want him to.

    How can I bribe him.
    The simplest answer is you can't. Your cat is going to want to things on his own terms the same way you want to do them on yours. Make an inviting space for him and make it easy and comfortable for him to relax with you and he will! Treats work too!
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